And because I am so tired I am going to keep today's entry short.
This is a quote from one of May’s entries, it helped me to see two things about myself. Number 1, fear has been an issue for me for a long time. Two, I love that I was so “out” about my relationship with God in those first months, I love that I never hid this. I can tell from my reading that I was beginning to get more comfortable with blogging at this point.
”I love my fear and know it is there to protect me, but I quiet it down so I can only hear my heart voice. This voice, that I often find when I am dancing, NEVER leads me astray. This voice tells me the things I am meant to do with this life. Leading movement is one of those things. Raising my babies with love, boundaries and a commitment to communication is one of those things. Loving with a wide open heart is one of those things. Writing this blog, committing to this experiment, sending out journals into the world is one of those things. I don’t know what all of that makes me, but that is OK. God knows, and that is good enough for me.”
The other thing I noticed was just how friggen wordy I was! LOL LONG POSTS! Holy cow. I hope for my own sake I stopped writing so much so that it doesn’t take me hours every day just to get through the reading part!
***EDIT- I posted something and decided a couple of hours later that I didn’t actually want to be that honest, or actually it is not about honesty, it is about wanting to keep it for myself. Thanks Deborah for the perfect advise.***
*** EDIT- I am adding the removed text back into entry at 10:30 the next morning, after a nights sleep and a new morning complete with birds singing, I know I put this in my entry for a reason. I trust.
One last reflection. I am reading the months from the 6th to the 5th so that I will end up exactly on April 5th when the project is done. So for instance today I read May 6th to June 5th. Want to know what day I met Michael? June 5th. I have just entered Michael land full force. From now on I will get to read all about my excitement and passion for this man, veiled as it was from all of you in the beginning. I have to tell you it was all a bit much to take today. Reading about the 2 weeks which led up to our meeting, seeing our picture so happy and in love, add all this to today being my first moon day, and I had myself an UGH afternoon. I am sure at some point reading about our love story will bring me joy, I KNOW this for certain. Today though I scroll quickly past our picture on the blog, not wanting to see, wondering how we went from there to here in 10 months. Despite a deep deep love for one another we just can’t seem to get along. I wish I knew what to do.
“Is there a period of you life which is hard to think about?“ is the question in 12 days journal #348
