Today I danced with tears streaming down my face....again. This time I was in the park. It was one hell of a day today, many crying breakdowns, in between lawyers visits and navigating the continued judgement and sticky, bumpy, twisting goo of coming out as polyamourous. Throw in my eldest daughters 14th birthday and the day was REALLY FULL. So full in fact that one small comment about my parenting style on the walk home from a well meaning member of my family, tipped the scales. It was just too much. I couldn’t handle what I perceived as one more finger pointed at an area where I am remiss or could do better. I had hit full and this comment spilled over me, engulfing me in sadness and a desire to run away. I walked to the park and sat on the swing, too numb yet to cry. I began to swing. I pumped my body hard, feeling my abdominal straining, I swung higher and higher. I was filled with the remembering of my childhood, how when things got hard, which they often were, I would swing. I spent so much time at the park. Most of it on the swing, working the pumping, filled with hope that if I swung hard enough I could wrap myself all the way around, that somehow this would make things all better. I tried again, for the first time in probably 20 years to achieve the wrap around...it still didn’t work. I remembered at this point that I had also failed in achieving my commitment, so after what felt like the 600th failure of the day, i got off the sing and began to dance to my internal song. I spiralled round the basketball court, tears finally flowing. I would like to report that it made things all better, it wouldn’t be true though, I was still sad when I was done, but at least I had completed my commitment. Ah success!
Happy Birthday Ayla Bayla Boo....14 years ago today I became a mother. The hardest job I have ever done....and the most amazingly fulfilling one too, even when I feel like I am failing all over the place.
"Do you think of life in terms of failures and success?"Why?“ is the question in 12 days journal #128
I've been changing my internal monologue to NOT think of life in terms of failures and successes. For me, focusing on failures only discourages me and prevents me from continuing toward my goals. Contrarily, focusing on my successes makes me too complacent and also prevents me from continuing toward my goals because of the illusion of having already achieved them or having gotten far enough along on them. I say now, "That was bad, but keep going and do better," or "That was good, YAY! now keep going and keep up the good work!" I do so much better and am so much happier if I don't have a success vs. failure mentality. If I am happy with something, I need to keep it up, and if I am not happy with something, I need to change it.
ReplyDeleteAnd Happiest of birthdays to your Leo girl, and happy birthing day to you!
ReplyDeleteAlso, huge {{{{{HUGS}}}}} for the stuff you're dealing with right now (or at the time of this post, that is).