~ A constantly evolving project in truth, transparency, delusion, humour, pain, praise, grief, beauty, frustration, elation, joy and most of all LOVE... my story as it unfolds. (I am in the process of revamping the lay out of the blog, please bear with me)
We are finally in Mexico! And it was no small feet! While waiting for our papers we did $300 damage to the camper, endured a torrential rain storm in the dessert, and Chris and I had our first real fight in months.
It was great actually. We both had so much pent up on this pressure cooker of the trip that it needed releasing. By the end we were cuddling while I cried tears which desperately needed to flow.
I have been through a lot in the last 5 months. The admission to myself that my relationship with Michael while incredible and loving was also debilitating and abusive; the pregnancy that came just weeks after the break up while I was in the midst of a painful hip injury that STILL has me grounded from performing or even dancing. Top that off with the miscarriage that lasted 49 days and then leaving my home for a 7 month journey.... and ya... I needed to let some emotions flow!
I know that conflict has to exist in a healthy growing relationship but I had become VERY shy of it. The way Michael and I dealt with it was not effective, in fact I would go so far to say it was destructive. I realized I was shying away from sharing myself with Chris because I had come to fear conflict. Well it showed up 2 nights ago when I could no longer deal with the sadness which is still seeping along with the anxiety of Ayla being in Mexico without us. She flew into Mazatlan yesterday with my mother in law, we were suppose to pick them up at the airport, but were still stuck in Tucson when they landed. My mama bear came out and so did my claws! Luckily Chris and I have almost 2 decades of experience dealing with conflict and in the end it was just what we needed.
With all the drama out of the way the Universe opened up the gates for us and Chris’s papers arrived yesterday afternoon. We set out this morning at 6 am to take full advantage of daylight hours, we are only travelling in the day for safety reasons. At the moment we are in San Carlos, Sonara.
WE are leaving tomorrow at 5am, so I am going to finish up my Chamomile tea and head to bed in the newly fixed camper, and dream of tomorrow night when I get to sleep in a BED!!
I am not writing this entry on this actual day. I spent this “April Fools Day”, which I consider to be the Pagan New Year, driving from Clairsholme, Alberta back home to Nelson, an 8 hour trip. I travelled with my friend Richard. The trip just kinda happened. Tuesday morning I saw him in Oso Negro, we talked about me going to Alberta and the next thing you know we were meeting at noon to leave town and go get my new car. Driving out was a blast, we had such an amazing time, we connect really deeply, a couple of Aquarian with big hearts. On the way back we had to drive separate vehicles, which made me appreciate him that much more. So now I have my car but I am behind and I NEED to catch out to finish this commitment the way it needs to be done...on APRIL 5th... I WILL make this happen. Here I go!
November 6th. http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/11/day-6-sacred-space-orange.html Orange. Michael and I were having such fun painting our brand new studio. It was mostly Michael’s doing that got us the studio. It was also him who put in most of the work. Thank you for everything you did for us baby. I love you.
November 7thhttp://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/11/day-7-sacred-space-blue.html Blue. The first signs that our landlord was less than worthy of our trust. The up side of this entry is, I can see that I WAS aware of my weight loss being an issue. Not only that I learned a damn good lesson about belief in my own beauty being the key to a fantastic body image, not the size of my thighs. I also managed to wrap it up in an empowering package of words and deliver it to my sisters! I loved this post, I am darn proud of having voiced this to the world. (BIG GRIN)
And to round off all the colours here is November 8thhttp://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/11/day-8-sacred-space-red.html Red. Passion. I am a passionate womyn. I see as I read this entry how hard I was working to deal with all the passion, across the spectrum. I want to go back to that time, take myself in my arms and hold me, caress my skin, my skin that so longs for slow mindful touch. From this entry:
“This is passion, this is the red, it is the stillness attained amongst the worlds emotional chaos while staying open to it full glory. This is the place is I am living towards.”
November 12thhttp://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/11/day-12-sacred-space-dry-kindling.html Wow, I am beginning to feel like I am closing the gap between past and present. This entry lets the world know Kelly and Chris have decided to split. Kelly is so great, I really love her. She threw herself into her art when they went their separate ways, and her art work SOARED! I also address in this entry the fundamental issue with which Michael and I go round and round and round. It is funny, I have been heard often saying how “I hate words”. Truth is I LOVE words, look at all the ones I have pieced together here on the blog. It is the dominance of words that I can’t stand. The imbalance that is created when words are not used to explain what is going on inside and instead are used as tools to navigate without embodiment or at its worst manipulate within a strategy. Non-violent Communication (NVC) distinguishes needs from strategies, which are specific plans to try to meet needs.... and then ironically comes up with a strategy to mitigate this. NVC has some amazing principles, it is when the words don’t match the body, then it ceases to be non violent because it lacks honesty. I don’t have the words to describe how mind fucked I have often felt this last year by words, words, words.
November 13thhttp://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/11/day-1-visual-creation-do-you-believe.html As I began to reconnect with visual art as a medium of expression in this 12 days commitment, I was also beginning to feel safe enough to come out about this curious transformation which was happening to my body, mind and spirit. I am still a little reluctant to talk about it, what I am experiencing is divine and scary. This entry tells of a day I spent with Richard. We listened to music and drew pictures together in Oso Negro, it was magical. It is funny to read about our friendship on the blog after having just spent 3 days together, we are kindred, that is for certain.
November 16thhttp://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/11/day-4-visual-creation-truth-about-truth.html Stripping myself more and more naked. I am not sure when exactly this project became about absolute truth. I know Michael Sheely had a big part to play in it all. He taught me about truth and, as is my way, I took the torch and RAN. I really do feel much more at ease now about how truthful I am, at this time though in November it was really really hard. I remember the stress, how it tied my stomach in knots. The night I write about in this entry was a a real reckoning. It took going to the Royal scantily clad for 80’s night for me to really face myself, it was so intense. Did I mention it was full moon?
November 21sthttp://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/11/day-4-visual-creation-truth-about-truth.html I didn’t go to California this month. I went to stay at the Ashram across the lake instead. God I think about that time, I was a complete mess. And JUST beginning to understand that I was having an awakening. It was actually here at the ashram that I got my first clue. I read my words and see how on fire I was for the Divine. I have always been a God junkie, things were shifting though. I felt like I was literally coming out through my own shell, like I was a caterpillar on a journey. While I didn’t travel to California this time, I did journey, and it was only the beginning.
November 24thhttp://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/11/day-12-visual-creation-bucks-and-drivin.html He did it! Chris got a buck and we have been eating deer ever since. I know it has been part of what got me through the body “crisis” I was having. Having high quality, organic, local meat which is native to the environment I exist in is just what the medicine man ordered. I love Chris with all my heart. He is my King. Him becoming a lone hunter would have been hard had my life not been so full, we used to spend so much time together, missing him is made easier by distraction. I know we will be closer again soon, when the time is right. For now he just loves me up and supports me. We had a fight a few days ago, I see this as a healthy sign. We almost never fight anymore, it is good to know we can raise our passion for each other if we want to. It took us less than 10 minutes to be in each others arms apologizing for our role. I have spent 18 years with this man, half my life, and I am blessed beyond measure to be his Queen.
November 25thhttp://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/11/latest-commitment-just-breathe.html I committed to simply focusing on how I was breathing. Here is a little reminder from Alexi Murdoch. I tried sending him an email today but it didn’t work, maybe he will find this blog and email me back. I have a question I need to ask him about the song “12”.
Oh how this man moves my kundalini with his velvet voice, amazing talent and God speak lyrics.
December 1sthttp://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/12/day-7-just-breathe-children-of-god.html As I wind down this entry with a knowing that I must do one more today, even if it takes until 4 in the morning like it did last night, that. I am feisty, committed and while flaky at times, can get the job done on time when art and God are the motivators. This entry is dedicated to a womyn who taught me about God. She is a Christian. I am for want of a better descriptor, a Pagan, a follower of the wheel of the year, the planet, the environment, the moon. While it may seem that we would not see eye to eye, it is her eyes I remember most, behind glasses, blue and beautiful. So filled with spirit, so on fire with the love of God. I love you Sister. Thank you for always believing in me, even at time when it tested your faith to its very limit. I am honoured to have been the one to take you there.
“Your love Should never be offered to the mouth of a Stranger, Only to someone Who has the valor and daring To cut pieces of their soul off with a knife Then weave them into a blanket To protect you. ~ Hafiz”
“What would you protect with your life?” is the question in 12 days journal #354
I feel fucking awesome. I am on the Salmo-Creston pass heading towards Alberta to get my new old car. I just did my full payers on a stone in the middle of a creek. This creek by any other world standard would likely be called a river. I could feel its vernal pull, its knowing that soon the sun would be melting the winter snow pack. This creek, now winter weary and parched, will soon explode into her full glorious self, coursing down the mountain side filled with the promise of fertility.
“Its full moon and spring baby!” says nobody.
“Balanced light” is the message which came during my prayers. I have 3 days to figure out what that means. That is how long this road trip will last.
The summer is coming to an end as I read Septembers entries. It may have been the best summer of my life...actually it was, it was the BEST summer of my life. I could fill up a hundred entries with the stories of dance camp, festivals, camping. I am so happy that summer is coming again, and here I am on the first road trip of the year. Hooray!!..and... Why on earth did I decided a road trip is what I needed right now? I mean I actually do know, I needed to get out of Nelson, but working under these conditions is crazy challenging!
September 10thhttp://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/09/day-9-walkabout-screamer.html Well this post sums up the whole month pretty well, maybe even the whole year. It is such a crazy thing how I set out to document a year of my life and chose THIS year...what a wild year! Another way of saying exactly what this entry says, in a slightly abbreviated version, as was done by the Hopi elders, is:
”You have been telling people this is the Eleventh Hour. Now you must go back and tell the people that this is THE Hour. Here are the things that must be considered: Where are you living? What are you doing? What are your relationships? Are you in right relation? Where is your water? Know your garden. It is time to speak your Truth. Create your community. Be good to each other. And do not look outside yourself for the leader.“
We need to start a better garden in our back yard...close to the house.
(six degrees of separation)
I admit there is something on the blog which really pulls at me to speak to it. The thing is I feel pulled just the tiniest bit harder to just leave it alone. Sometimes it is really hard for me to know which parts of myself to listen to. I know there is that stock answer of ”the heart“...what I want to know is which part of my heart? I feel like it is too big for my ribcage, perhaps this is why my ribcage is changing.
As I read September 12thhttp://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/09/day-11-walkabout-la.html I become aware of just how much Michael and I were beginning to fight. I want to write the word ”conflict“ instead of fight...because I don’t want to see it, how often we struggled to get along, to understand one another. Our struggles have never had anything to do with lack of love, just lack of understanding. And as is my way I have to add...and there were amazing times as well, many actually stemming from the conflict... we were beginning to learn how to understand one another, I just never imagined it would be this hard, or that we would loose sight of how far we have come.
Pleasure revolution! September 14thhttp://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/09/day-1-pleasure-revolution-jank.html Now this was a commitment! My only wish was that I had endless funds to fuel it! I would have gone off. I did have a great time though and connected with how important pleasure is for me. I firmly believe that lessons can be learned anywhere along the spectrum between pain and pleasure. Working through life's lessons with pleasure as a back drop is far FAR easier than going the pain route...ask me how I know.
Oh the country mouse city mouse post! September 15thhttp://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/09/day-2-pleasure-revolution-county-mouse.html This one brought me so many more ”fans“. As I read over the blog I am thinking maybe I could write a little more about the fun(ny) parts of life. Or at least write with more humour about the struggles. I will keep this in mind for the next blog...did I just type ”next blog“? YIKES
”She smiled contentedly, pointing to one piece in particular, one of the paintings bound for the Italian church, and tells how in all of her years this was the first time she simultaneously captured the essence of birth and death as she imagines them in one face, in one body, in one mass of extraordinary colour. As I gazed at the multidimensional face of infinite possibilities I had to agree, she had captured this singular event that is thought of as two.“
I am hard on myself and my writing. I have so much appreciation for my craft, for my talent since beginning to re-read my own work. I love Bernice, she is my muse.
Oh Tamalpa! September 17thhttp://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/09/day-4-pleasure-revolution-shiny-metal.html how I love you so. How dedicated I am to the life/art process.... this project was set up as a Tamalpa score after all... as I read and write about my time at Tamalpa feelings of being misunderstood arise...but I notice being more ok with it now than I was a month ago...sigh
September 21sthttp://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/09/day-8-pleasure-revolution-simple.html Baby Skylah is born, exactly 11 years and 1 day after Lily Rain Raabis. Skylah’s middle name is Rain. Rachel and I spent the night recently in room 111 in Big sure California. On the same trip that Jill and I dubbed ourselves ”11“ meaning two ”1’s“ standing side by side. Rachel made another ”1“ when she arrived with Skylah who was born on the 1st day of fall. That is a whole lot of 1’s, and a whole lot of Rain.
October 4thhttp://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/10/day-9-sans-coffee-help.html THANK GOD!! I got writers block...God knew that SOMETHING had to stop me! LOL and right now I am grateful since I am FINALLY finished reading for the day. (wy)Man am I a prolific writer! Which I think is well illustrated by this entry which is 1300 words long! (and finished a day behind schedule...ugh, now it is 1313)
”What do you do a lot of?“ is the clever question in 12 days journal #352
Ok we have to hit the road again. I have 40 minutes to edit this, find a picture, add in tag words upload it and flog it on facebook, all to have it up just one day late. Do you think I can do it? I guess we will see. (1389)
