Day and Night, Noche y Día

It is New Years Day... in the wee hours. I can’t sleep.

I had a wonderful time with my family in Old Mazatlan. There were people dancing in the streets, the Plazuela Machado was filled with hundreds of Mexican families dressed in their finest to celebrate.



I was there most of the time. Some of it though I was off in the past remembering last New Years.

This day last year fell on a full and blue moon, a celestial celebration! That night Ayla and I danced while Michael drummed in the New Year of 2010... what a year it was! While the Eve was a delicious one to remember, New Years Day was an unexpected day of mourning. Anniversaries can sneak up.

I sat in the hot tub earlier today. I felt so alone despite being surrounded by hordes of people. I was the only English speaker, I am getting to experiencing how isolating this can be. It was more than that though. I felt just awful. Eventually I clawed my way through the gloominess and put into play some of what I learned in 2010. I closed my eyes and felt into what was going on inside. I didn’t try to push any of it away, rationalize it or explain it. I didn’t go into stories or judge myself for what I was feeling... I just let it float up to the top to make it conscious.

And once I did, well...no wonder felt so horrible! I found serious self doubt. Fear of my life returning to a way it had been in the past, a way I was deeply frightened of repeating. I found a fear of losing control of my body, either gaining or losing weight again and not being able to stop it. I had deep tragic thoughts of not being enough. Again the idea of my breasts being not enough to make me a womyn. I found fear of not being loved the way I want to be and under it all I felt a deep fear of loss.... yes there was a deep fear that I had lost something dear to me.

I reminded myself that the moon was just coming new, a natural time of self doubt especially for womyn. I reminded myself that these feelings would pass, that the stories I had attached to them were there so I would pay attention, these feelings were acting out because they wanted understanding. I coached myself to keep perspective, not let my fear create a downward spiral, especially on this night when there was a huge fiesta planned. My moon is due in a few days, maybe I am just experiencing pre moon sadness? But where was I to put my focus and self love. There was something so deep that I could quite figure out...

And there is was, an anniversary that I had forgotten came to the surface. I lost a baby, one I didn’t even know I was pregnant with until it was all over. It happened on New Years Day 2010, it was the first of two lost last year.

The rhythms of life, the cycles that orchestrate all things from our smallest cells to the furthest planets, are always at play. We all have our place in these spirals and they can not be escaped. I imagined that maybe being this far away from the frozen ice and snow, I might have been able to trick my body into passing this anniversary over. But the body remembers, my body remembered. Eventually my mind finally did too, and though it is painful I am grateful. Knowing the root of my murky mood, making it conscious and then letting myself mourn the loss (again) allowed me to move through the grief with grace. Loss needs grief. It needs to be felt as grief and so it can become praise. All that is beautiful dies and to honour it with grief is to sing praises to God. This was taught to me by a friend last year. I had to learn it many times to really get it.

Knowing where this pain was coming from I could NOW rationalize, see clearly that I will not go back to a past I fear, the idea is actually absurd. I am enough and God knows this, only I ever doubt it. My body being controlled is what brought me the pain in the first place! I can let go of wanting to control this beautiful body of mine and let it flourish. I am enough. I am enough. I am enough.

By the time we were counting in 2011 I was happy, dancing in the streets with my girls. Though the loss was still with me, I will never get to dance with the baby who flew away January 1st 2010. I love all my babies, those who dance in the streets and those who dance in the ether.

2010 was certainly a fertile year for me. I am so very excited to see what 2011 will bring.

Feliz Año Nuevo Everyone!

“What did you learn last year that really sticks out?”

109th Bead

Om Namah Shivaya Gurave: I offer myself to Lord Shiva,the Auspiscious One, who is the true teacher Within and Without.
Saccidananda Murtaye: Who Assumes the forms of Reality, Consciousness and Bliss.
Nishprapanchaya Shantaya: Who is never absent and is full of peace.
Niralambaya Tejase: Independent existence, the vital essence of illumination.

I prayed today, 108 times as I sang the full Om Namah Shivaya mantra. My fingers prayed on each bead of my mala for this miscarriage to end. Today is 49th day of this miscarriage, 7 weeks, 7 sevens, seven completions of the life cycle, a good day for this lesson to be embodied.... fort this lesson to end... I am ready.



Eventually in the evening on this peaceful new moon my body let go, my baby let go and came out of me. It was non-eventful, no great pain or bleeding. He just quietly said good-bye. He is as big as a peanut and from the shape of his head, spine and limbs I know he made it to about 6 weeks. He left me before I took the herbs to end the pregnancy at 7 1/2 weeks. It was over before I even knew I was pregnant. He didn’t come to become my child in the flesh, but to teach me, he came as my 109th bead... my completion bead.. Thank you little one... Om Namah Shivaya.

My tiny teacher, my son is now wrapped in a ceremonial pouch, a new one which I found today because this morning something inside me knew it would end. Eventually there will be another ceremony to say good bye ... I am not sure when. This whole ordeal has brought so much pain... and so much healing. I will never be the same.

“What have you endured that has changed you forever?”

Day 12- Please let go little one

I have not posted in over a month. I have been consumed by what is going on inside my body, which apparently wanted a baby more than I realized. The miscarriage I induced did not complete. I have been bleeding for 47 days now, waiting to pass something that is still inside me. I suspect it is my baby. I really do want another child, a son this time, but not like this. Not with this much pain. Please let go little one. Please let go body... He will come again when the time is right.

Day 11- Weeds

Praying

It doesn't have to be the blue iris,
it could be weeds in a vacant lot,
or a few small stones;

just pay attention,

then patch a few words together
and don't try to make them elaborate,
this isn't a contest ....
but the doorway into thanks,
and a silence in which another voice may speak.

-Mary Oliver



I have a friend, a gorgeous human being both inside and out, who recently said to me “I don’t really know how to go into ceremony”. I had a hard time not laughing, which would have been very inappropriate given her delicate state. This womyn knows how to go into ceremony with such beauty, focus and devotion that I kneel down in awe of her abilities as a Priestess. Not the kind of Priestess that holds gathering or facilitates groups, but an everyday Priestess who ceaselessly prays with her every action, thought and word. She KNOWS how to go into ceremony, she just don’t know that she knows.

She told me about a night when she found herself half way up a mountain DEMANDING God give her what she asked for. This is something I struggle with. I pray more in the style of “You tell me what is needed of me and I will do my very best” . I meekly ask God for things here and there but am more likely to wait to be told God’s will and see what happens. She explained to me how important it was to help God out, let him (her) know what I really want. That when the time comes when I ferociously KNOW what I need that I must actually DEMAND it! I admit to fearing wrathful spite at being so firm with God, but then remembered that I don’t believe in a wrathful God and take heed of her wise words.

So what do I want right now? I don’t know... I don’t know that to ask for. I know I want peace, but nothing more specific is percolating. Peace is in short supply these days, though turmoil is teaching me to find peace within the intensity. To find it even when there are just a tiny little pockets of it. To relish it, crawl deep inside and let it take care of me.

On the day this friend told me she didn’t know how to go into ceremony, she was dealing with the life and death cycle which plays out in the female body. She had begun to bleed at 9 weeks pregnant, she miscarried a week later. She took her baby to the river and went into ceremony to say good bye, just as I did days ago. When she told me how she and her partner honoured their child we wept together. We are sisters now in a way we could never have been without a similar grief that was shared at the same time in our lives. Our journeys were different. She is 12 years younger than I and has no children. Her pregnancy was a surprise but a welcome one, this couple was ready to share their love with a baby. I already have 3 beautiful children. My pregnancy was also a surprise and while there is deep love for this baby and between his father and I, our relationship is fraught with conflict to the point that there is no longer contact between us. I chose my miscarriage, my friend did not, regardless we are both grieving. So we took our grief and went into ceremony, we honoured our babies.

So next time you feel grief, or immense joy, or anything at all that pulls at you to be celebrated or honoured. Find some weeds and small stones, say some words, express to source what is in your heart. Know that this is prayer, this IS ceremony. No one has to show you how, there is no manual or right way to bring yourself to God... all you need is right there within you.

“How do you go into ceremony?”, because I know you do, even if you haven’t called it that before.

Day 9 Final Commitment- 6:40

I only just got off stage. I am in the green room (which is actually pale salmon). Our ensemble is really sweaty; post performance glow spread cross our faces. It is a dynamic flocking piece, improv dance theatre. Everyone else is debriefing, but not me, I am beginning yesterdays entry today at 4:14. If I can get through this and at least begin today’s I will be on track. So I am off to read.

​
(This picture is entitled “3 Kings”, it made me chuckle)

December 5th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/12/day-11-just-breathe-worst-case-scenario.html Michael was right. I engage in worst case scenario thinking. I didn’t like hearing it either. I didn’t like the way it was presented to me as the “cause” of my weight loss. This aside, it was true and looking at it full in the face helped me to turn this habit around. I am not self actualized or anything, I still engage, but I recognize it as what it is now. Thank you again Michael for what you have brought to my world.

December 7th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/12/latest-commitment-12-days-of-avoiding.html I was just under 9 months in and seriously burnt out. I took steps to remedy this with humour by doing the 12 days of Christmas and giving myself a break.

December 8th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/12/day-2-twelve-of-twelve.html With the floor in the studio done and only lighting and shelving left to acquire, Michael and I made a mad dash to Alberta. Like most of our road trips it was both deliriously wonderful and agonizing. I met his mama for the first time, what a trip that was showing up at my lovers mothers place while still happily married!

I managed to hide on the blog until December 15th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/12/day-9-twelve-of-twelve-bye-bye-baby.html I remember this time, there was big stuff going on, I suppose I just got tired of exposing to the world that I was struggling so much. My struggles were mostly in my relationship with Michael. How is it possible to love someone so much and not be able to get along so often? We had so many beautiful times, so many, our relationship was truly magical, yet there was so much conflict...there still IS so much conflict...Ugh! Then on this day we were told we were being evicted from our studio. It was now painted and furnished. The floor had been renewed and was beautiful, I never really loved a floor until that one, Michael put so much work into it.

December 16th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/12/day-10-twelve-of-twelve-dancing-men.html Ah dancing men. I included this one just so you could click and go look at the pictures. Oh how I love to see men dance with wild abandon, with passion, with tenderness. The piece I am performing this evening (and already did this afternoon) has quite a few dancing men in it. It really is becoming more acceptable in our culture, and it is about time. Dancing is one of Gods greatest gifts.

December 19th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/12/day-1-gift-of-presence-ordinary.html I felt such love in my heart when I read my own description of my appreciation for Jai Uttal, for his music and his heart. I got to read it as though it was written by someone else. I wrote about things on this blog that I have forgot all about. Writing everyday meant I couldn’t collect all the info and ideas I had written, so I got ok with forgetting, which meant I got to learn again! I learned about a book for Chris by reading my own words today, like learning it anew. What a trip.

December 20th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/12/day-2-gift-of-presence-blessed-be.html I can’t come up with anything to say. I feel such a swirling, incoherent, incongruent melange of emotions, feeling and thoughts when I read this entry, I can’t even begin to explain how I feel or what I think about it. I gave up trying.

December 22nd http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/12/day-4-gift-of-presence-loosing-family.html We were officially evicted from our studio, the negotiation had come to an end, I had 9 days to enjoy Sanctum Studio before all our hard work disappeared.

December 25th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/12/day-5-gift-of-presence-under-my-tree.html On Christmas day and I gave myself this gift. This, what I am doing right now. Reading my herstory, reading this year documented, this CRAZY year. If I were going to choose the most transformative year of my adult life, this one would have been it, and what do you know...I chose it. Though I must say that going through all this reading, at a break neck pace, intertwined with road trips, performances, break ups, and Easter, has not been the relaxing, reflective process that I imagined. In a way it has been mildly traumatizing, having my shit all up in my face like this. I trust though that it is perfect, I might as well, I am not quitting. Here it is at 3:20am Easter morning, after two performances and I am still up. I am going to finish writing this entry, then go to sleep. I will edit it tomorrow, then write two other full entries so I can have Monday to do nothing but take an honest look at the last month of my life.....oh my God, Monday is going to be a trip!

December 28th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/12/day-10-gift-of-presence-alberta-bound.html Ayla, Michael and I were off to Alberta at this point going to the Intention gathering. It was a phenomanal experience of community and co creation. At the same time Chris, Lily and Rose were back home in Nelson suffering from what we now know was whopping cough. At the time we thought they were merely sick, that they would follow us out a few days later and spend New Year with us. As it turns out Chris and Lily stayed sick for months. Times were rough!

December 30th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/12/day-12-gift-of-presence-circle.html For years I have been obsessed with understanding the alchemy of the male/female relationship. I feel I need to state for the record, that if it ever seems with all this talk of Divine Male - Divine Female balance that I am not acknowledging same sex relationship, this is not the case. It is a moot point actually because I am not necessarily talking about romantic connection, though romantic connection is often the most potent union regardless of sex. I am talking about the male and female of our species understanding each other, us learning to get along and thrive! I truly believe that the time has come for us all to put away our ideas and judgements of the other sex and mover towards understanding. Let go of ideas about how “all men” are or how “womyn are emotional” using the “e” word with disdain and distrust. This work, this desire to understand the yin yang dynamic is what keeps me committed to my relationships, with both men and womyn. Commitment is something I know a lot about.


I like this tricky and fun commitment Made on December 31st http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/12/latest-commitment-resolution.html I see how I was continually attempting to use levity to deal with how rough things were. The next day I had a miscarriage. January 1st http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2010/01/day-2-resolution-angels.html. Maybe, or maybe it was a well aligned occurrence, a crazy painful moon time driven by a blue moon meeting a New Year on the Gregorian calendar. To bleed on the full moon after performing is a whole lot for me to handle at the best of times. Through in cultural and planetary significance and it is a wonder I didn’t sprout wings that night, to fly fly away. I will never know for sure, I don’t really know that it matters. Having the experience and learning from it, this is what matters.

January 3rd http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2010/01/day-4-resolution-mountain-sanctuary.html This entry ends on a sad note. This whole month of reading in fact was really hard. The struggles I endured seemed endless. Loosing the studio, challenging road trips, miscarriage, my entire family coming down with whooping cough. I know there was a whole lot of magic, I remember the magic. It was because of this magic that I continued to have an optimistic attitude, that or I was so caught up in it all I couldn’t see it for what it was. I don’t know. The gap between the past and present is beginning to close, I am loosing perceptive, or at least I am as I write this. I am weary and tired from doing far too much. Tuesday is going to be a good day.

“Have you endured a time in your life which was more challenging than you realized it to be at the time?” is the question for 12 days journal #355

Day 2 Resolution- Angels

This is a hard entry to write, it was written days after the event. I want to be truthful, transparent, but sharing some things is hard. I know I don’t have to, I do know this. It seems important though...big. Like I would be not honouring my commitment to transparency if I omitted this days events. And to be honest if I write it here in this little box and hit the “Send to Blog” button on my journalling software it goes out into the world, everyone knows and it is done. Simple. Well except for the delayed reaction that I have become accustom to when submitting detailed revealing entries; the uncomfortable conversations, lack of eye contact, even avoidance at times. I mean I am not sure, perhaps I imagine all this, but I don’t think so. So if you read this, and want to give me some loving, just come up and hug me, please.

I believe I had a miscarriage. I will never know for sure. I haven’t had a proper moon (period) in a long time now, chalked it up to how low my weigh had become. Then this morning I started to bleed, thought my moon had finally come. Then it got painful, really painful, and I recognized the pain was following a pattern, peaks and valleys...labour. I was bleeding heavily, I didn’t know what was happening. By the time I had some clarity on what was happening I was in an altered state, felt like an animal, couldn’t convey to those around me what was going on. I had moments of being fine and thinking I was imagining it, then BOOM back into the pain. If it was a miscarriage I could have been only just pregnant or up to 10 weeks. My cycle has been all over the place since the summer, it is a possibility that I what I experienced was simply the most painful moon of my entire life, but when I add up all the signs it points to miscarriage, my heart says miscarriag. Like I say I will never know for sure.

The hardest part was that Michael and I argued right before it began. We have been deeply connected since coming back together 4 days ago, then things got hairy. I couldn’t communicate what was going on, how could I? I didn’t know. How could he have known either? I just seemed to be going wild. In the end we reconnected, we made the best of the situation, but it was far from the kind of love and communion we are capable of. I know we both feel a lot of regret and sadness at how things went down.

The second hardest part is that Michael wants a child really badly. This was hard on him, for many reasons.

In a way it was a terrible thing to experience at a winter gathering. There was nowhere to go, no privacy. Bleeding behind a curtain while workshops were going on was rough. But there was also this swelling of so many hearts, people came together to support both Michael and I, which was especially needed since we weren’t able to fully connect through it. Jennifer, a mama with 3 kids who has had an unassisted birth and understood my birth ethic was an angel from heaven, she was my rock. Emilo, Joey, Linda, Casey, Tad, Remo, Acaiah, Terra, all people who 4 days ago I didn’t even know, swooped in like family and carried us. Thank you all, I am so grateful for you.

I found this picture on the Intention website. I am not sure who created it, or the story behind it. I do know that when I look at it, it feels VERY familiar. Ease will eventually emerge, I know this, right now though I feel as though I am weathering the storm.



“What do you do when you are not getting the support you desire?” is the question in 12 days journal #264