109th Bead

Om Namah Shivaya Gurave: I offer myself to Lord Shiva,the Auspiscious One, who is the true teacher Within and Without.
Saccidananda Murtaye: Who Assumes the forms of Reality, Consciousness and Bliss.
Nishprapanchaya Shantaya: Who is never absent and is full of peace.
Niralambaya Tejase: Independent existence, the vital essence of illumination.

I prayed today, 108 times as I sang the full Om Namah Shivaya mantra. My fingers prayed on each bead of my mala for this miscarriage to end. Today is 49th day of this miscarriage, 7 weeks, 7 sevens, seven completions of the life cycle, a good day for this lesson to be embodied.... fort this lesson to end... I am ready.



Eventually in the evening on this peaceful new moon my body let go, my baby let go and came out of me. It was non-eventful, no great pain or bleeding. He just quietly said good-bye. He is as big as a peanut and from the shape of his head, spine and limbs I know he made it to about 6 weeks. He left me before I took the herbs to end the pregnancy at 7 1/2 weeks. It was over before I even knew I was pregnant. He didn’t come to become my child in the flesh, but to teach me, he came as my 109th bead... my completion bead.. Thank you little one... Om Namah Shivaya.

My tiny teacher, my son is now wrapped in a ceremonial pouch, a new one which I found today because this morning something inside me knew it would end. Eventually there will be another ceremony to say good bye ... I am not sure when. This whole ordeal has brought so much pain... and so much healing. I will never be the same.

“What have you endured that has changed you forever?”

Day 12- Please let go little one

I have not posted in over a month. I have been consumed by what is going on inside my body, which apparently wanted a baby more than I realized. The miscarriage I induced did not complete. I have been bleeding for 47 days now, waiting to pass something that is still inside me. I suspect it is my baby. I really do want another child, a son this time, but not like this. Not with this much pain. Please let go little one. Please let go body... He will come again when the time is right.

Day 11- Weeds

Praying

It doesn't have to be the blue iris,
it could be weeds in a vacant lot,
or a few small stones;

just pay attention,

then patch a few words together
and don't try to make them elaborate,
this isn't a contest ....
but the doorway into thanks,
and a silence in which another voice may speak.

-Mary Oliver



I have a friend, a gorgeous human being both inside and out, who recently said to me “I don’t really know how to go into ceremony”. I had a hard time not laughing, which would have been very inappropriate given her delicate state. This womyn knows how to go into ceremony with such beauty, focus and devotion that I kneel down in awe of her abilities as a Priestess. Not the kind of Priestess that holds gathering or facilitates groups, but an everyday Priestess who ceaselessly prays with her every action, thought and word. She KNOWS how to go into ceremony, she just don’t know that she knows.

She told me about a night when she found herself half way up a mountain DEMANDING God give her what she asked for. This is something I struggle with. I pray more in the style of “You tell me what is needed of me and I will do my very best” . I meekly ask God for things here and there but am more likely to wait to be told God’s will and see what happens. She explained to me how important it was to help God out, let him (her) know what I really want. That when the time comes when I ferociously KNOW what I need that I must actually DEMAND it! I admit to fearing wrathful spite at being so firm with God, but then remembered that I don’t believe in a wrathful God and take heed of her wise words.

So what do I want right now? I don’t know... I don’t know that to ask for. I know I want peace, but nothing more specific is percolating. Peace is in short supply these days, though turmoil is teaching me to find peace within the intensity. To find it even when there are just a tiny little pockets of it. To relish it, crawl deep inside and let it take care of me.

On the day this friend told me she didn’t know how to go into ceremony, she was dealing with the life and death cycle which plays out in the female body. She had begun to bleed at 9 weeks pregnant, she miscarried a week later. She took her baby to the river and went into ceremony to say good bye, just as I did days ago. When she told me how she and her partner honoured their child we wept together. We are sisters now in a way we could never have been without a similar grief that was shared at the same time in our lives. Our journeys were different. She is 12 years younger than I and has no children. Her pregnancy was a surprise but a welcome one, this couple was ready to share their love with a baby. I already have 3 beautiful children. My pregnancy was also a surprise and while there is deep love for this baby and between his father and I, our relationship is fraught with conflict to the point that there is no longer contact between us. I chose my miscarriage, my friend did not, regardless we are both grieving. So we took our grief and went into ceremony, we honoured our babies.

So next time you feel grief, or immense joy, or anything at all that pulls at you to be celebrated or honoured. Find some weeds and small stones, say some words, express to source what is in your heart. Know that this is prayer, this IS ceremony. No one has to show you how, there is no manual or right way to bring yourself to God... all you need is right there within you.

“How do you go into ceremony?”, because I know you do, even if you haven’t called it that before.

Day 9- Thank You for this Day Spirit

The Birth of Will.

There are two ways to give birth. To give birth to body and spirit together or to give birth to spirit alone.

When I discovered in early September that I was pregnant I had to make a choice between giving birth to spirit in body form, a living breathing magical human being, or giving birth to a glorious spirit in spirit form, letting my child fly back to source. I chose spirit in spirit form.

I made this choice by listening to my highest authority and asking “How do I best serve?”. This decision we as womyn make is one of the few black and white choices which actually exist for a human being, we choose to let the baby live in our womb or to surrender the spirit back to our heart. There is no grey, no middle ground, this can make the decision heart wrenching. Often there is no clean clear yes or no instead there are a million reasons all weighed against one another on an often impossible choice which can not be undone. We must somehow boil things down to a choice of staying pregnant or ending the pregnancy, there is no middle ground.

I asked my son to wait for another time, one when I was not in so much pain, where we could be supported in the way we deserved. I whispered to him as I held my hands cross my full womb,

“Come again little one if it is really important we meet in the flesh, I trust you to know when. For right now your mama needs to serve in the way she knows best, and this time I choose giving birth to your spirit alone. I love you little one, thank you for choosing me. You are holy.... holy... holy”

In the quite of the night as the moon was coming full, on the last day of summer with the aid of herbs and a powerful vow to the Divine I went through labour as I have before. The contractions felt different without a full grown baby inside my belly but similar enough to know this process and to trust my bodies wisdom. This birth was different, there was no breathing baby at the end this time. There was human flesh though, clots and membranes, evidence that my sons spirit had released, tangible proof of my pregnancy. I wrapped the flesh in a leather pouch and went to the river. I went in ceremony and gave the flesh back to the mother, where we all go eventually when our bodies no longer serve us. I said good-bye and told my son, Will, how much I loved him and whispered... holy... holy... holy ... because we are.

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Too many womyn feel ashamed to tell their stories of choosing abortion. Even the word abortion sounds harsh and accusing. Too many womyn hide their truth because we still live in a culture where abortions are generally tolerate but only to be spoken of in wispers. There is still silence, and with this silence an implied shame. I chose an induced miscarriage. I feel it is not only my right but my duty as an empowered womyn who has known fertility and sexuality in so many of its forms to tell my truth. I choose to speak out and do my part to create a culture where womyn are no longer judged or merely tolerated but supported and cared for no matter what we choose to do with our wombs.

A simple “What are you thankful for?” seems appropriate. I am sure I have asked it before, and will again...