Day and Night, Noche y Día

It is New Years Day... in the wee hours. I can’t sleep.

I had a wonderful time with my family in Old Mazatlan. There were people dancing in the streets, the Plazuela Machado was filled with hundreds of Mexican families dressed in their finest to celebrate.



I was there most of the time. Some of it though I was off in the past remembering last New Years.

This day last year fell on a full and blue moon, a celestial celebration! That night Ayla and I danced while Michael drummed in the New Year of 2010... what a year it was! While the Eve was a delicious one to remember, New Years Day was an unexpected day of mourning. Anniversaries can sneak up.

I sat in the hot tub earlier today. I felt so alone despite being surrounded by hordes of people. I was the only English speaker, I am getting to experiencing how isolating this can be. It was more than that though. I felt just awful. Eventually I clawed my way through the gloominess and put into play some of what I learned in 2010. I closed my eyes and felt into what was going on inside. I didn’t try to push any of it away, rationalize it or explain it. I didn’t go into stories or judge myself for what I was feeling... I just let it float up to the top to make it conscious.

And once I did, well...no wonder felt so horrible! I found serious self doubt. Fear of my life returning to a way it had been in the past, a way I was deeply frightened of repeating. I found a fear of losing control of my body, either gaining or losing weight again and not being able to stop it. I had deep tragic thoughts of not being enough. Again the idea of my breasts being not enough to make me a womyn. I found fear of not being loved the way I want to be and under it all I felt a deep fear of loss.... yes there was a deep fear that I had lost something dear to me.

I reminded myself that the moon was just coming new, a natural time of self doubt especially for womyn. I reminded myself that these feelings would pass, that the stories I had attached to them were there so I would pay attention, these feelings were acting out because they wanted understanding. I coached myself to keep perspective, not let my fear create a downward spiral, especially on this night when there was a huge fiesta planned. My moon is due in a few days, maybe I am just experiencing pre moon sadness? But where was I to put my focus and self love. There was something so deep that I could quite figure out...

And there is was, an anniversary that I had forgotten came to the surface. I lost a baby, one I didn’t even know I was pregnant with until it was all over. It happened on New Years Day 2010, it was the first of two lost last year.

The rhythms of life, the cycles that orchestrate all things from our smallest cells to the furthest planets, are always at play. We all have our place in these spirals and they can not be escaped. I imagined that maybe being this far away from the frozen ice and snow, I might have been able to trick my body into passing this anniversary over. But the body remembers, my body remembered. Eventually my mind finally did too, and though it is painful I am grateful. Knowing the root of my murky mood, making it conscious and then letting myself mourn the loss (again) allowed me to move through the grief with grace. Loss needs grief. It needs to be felt as grief and so it can become praise. All that is beautiful dies and to honour it with grief is to sing praises to God. This was taught to me by a friend last year. I had to learn it many times to really get it.

Knowing where this pain was coming from I could NOW rationalize, see clearly that I will not go back to a past I fear, the idea is actually absurd. I am enough and God knows this, only I ever doubt it. My body being controlled is what brought me the pain in the first place! I can let go of wanting to control this beautiful body of mine and let it flourish. I am enough. I am enough. I am enough.

By the time we were counting in 2011 I was happy, dancing in the streets with my girls. Though the loss was still with me, I will never get to dance with the baby who flew away January 1st 2010. I love all my babies, those who dance in the streets and those who dance in the ether.

2010 was certainly a fertile year for me. I am so very excited to see what 2011 will bring.

Feliz Año Nuevo Everyone!

“What did you learn last year that really sticks out?”

109th Bead

Om Namah Shivaya Gurave: I offer myself to Lord Shiva,the Auspiscious One, who is the true teacher Within and Without.
Saccidananda Murtaye: Who Assumes the forms of Reality, Consciousness and Bliss.
Nishprapanchaya Shantaya: Who is never absent and is full of peace.
Niralambaya Tejase: Independent existence, the vital essence of illumination.

I prayed today, 108 times as I sang the full Om Namah Shivaya mantra. My fingers prayed on each bead of my mala for this miscarriage to end. Today is 49th day of this miscarriage, 7 weeks, 7 sevens, seven completions of the life cycle, a good day for this lesson to be embodied.... fort this lesson to end... I am ready.



Eventually in the evening on this peaceful new moon my body let go, my baby let go and came out of me. It was non-eventful, no great pain or bleeding. He just quietly said good-bye. He is as big as a peanut and from the shape of his head, spine and limbs I know he made it to about 6 weeks. He left me before I took the herbs to end the pregnancy at 7 1/2 weeks. It was over before I even knew I was pregnant. He didn’t come to become my child in the flesh, but to teach me, he came as my 109th bead... my completion bead.. Thank you little one... Om Namah Shivaya.

My tiny teacher, my son is now wrapped in a ceremonial pouch, a new one which I found today because this morning something inside me knew it would end. Eventually there will be another ceremony to say good bye ... I am not sure when. This whole ordeal has brought so much pain... and so much healing. I will never be the same.

“What have you endured that has changed you forever?”

Day 12- Please let go little one

I have not posted in over a month. I have been consumed by what is going on inside my body, which apparently wanted a baby more than I realized. The miscarriage I induced did not complete. I have been bleeding for 47 days now, waiting to pass something that is still inside me. I suspect it is my baby. I really do want another child, a son this time, but not like this. Not with this much pain. Please let go little one. Please let go body... He will come again when the time is right.

Day 11- Weeds

Praying

It doesn't have to be the blue iris,
it could be weeds in a vacant lot,
or a few small stones;

just pay attention,

then patch a few words together
and don't try to make them elaborate,
this isn't a contest ....
but the doorway into thanks,
and a silence in which another voice may speak.

-Mary Oliver



I have a friend, a gorgeous human being both inside and out, who recently said to me “I don’t really know how to go into ceremony”. I had a hard time not laughing, which would have been very inappropriate given her delicate state. This womyn knows how to go into ceremony with such beauty, focus and devotion that I kneel down in awe of her abilities as a Priestess. Not the kind of Priestess that holds gathering or facilitates groups, but an everyday Priestess who ceaselessly prays with her every action, thought and word. She KNOWS how to go into ceremony, she just don’t know that she knows.

She told me about a night when she found herself half way up a mountain DEMANDING God give her what she asked for. This is something I struggle with. I pray more in the style of “You tell me what is needed of me and I will do my very best” . I meekly ask God for things here and there but am more likely to wait to be told God’s will and see what happens. She explained to me how important it was to help God out, let him (her) know what I really want. That when the time comes when I ferociously KNOW what I need that I must actually DEMAND it! I admit to fearing wrathful spite at being so firm with God, but then remembered that I don’t believe in a wrathful God and take heed of her wise words.

So what do I want right now? I don’t know... I don’t know that to ask for. I know I want peace, but nothing more specific is percolating. Peace is in short supply these days, though turmoil is teaching me to find peace within the intensity. To find it even when there are just a tiny little pockets of it. To relish it, crawl deep inside and let it take care of me.

On the day this friend told me she didn’t know how to go into ceremony, she was dealing with the life and death cycle which plays out in the female body. She had begun to bleed at 9 weeks pregnant, she miscarried a week later. She took her baby to the river and went into ceremony to say good bye, just as I did days ago. When she told me how she and her partner honoured their child we wept together. We are sisters now in a way we could never have been without a similar grief that was shared at the same time in our lives. Our journeys were different. She is 12 years younger than I and has no children. Her pregnancy was a surprise but a welcome one, this couple was ready to share their love with a baby. I already have 3 beautiful children. My pregnancy was also a surprise and while there is deep love for this baby and between his father and I, our relationship is fraught with conflict to the point that there is no longer contact between us. I chose my miscarriage, my friend did not, regardless we are both grieving. So we took our grief and went into ceremony, we honoured our babies.

So next time you feel grief, or immense joy, or anything at all that pulls at you to be celebrated or honoured. Find some weeds and small stones, say some words, express to source what is in your heart. Know that this is prayer, this IS ceremony. No one has to show you how, there is no manual or right way to bring yourself to God... all you need is right there within you.

“How do you go into ceremony?”, because I know you do, even if you haven’t called it that before.

Day 12 Photo Op- The Blessing Way

Imagine how we as womyn may have looked at pregnancy and birth if we got to participate in Blessing ways as little girls. These little Goddesses that you see here washing my friend Melissa feet each are wearing have a strand of yarn around their wrist. All of us who were at the blessing way have one. We sang a song and created a web with yarn, it was symbolic of the web of support every birthing mother needs around here, especially when she does it on her own with a 2 year old. We each cut a strand and will wear it until Melissa’s new baby comes into this world.

Now I better hurry up and get my earlier journal entries edited so I can post this pic before she has a baby!

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“What are you currently way behind on?” is the question in 12 days journal #322

Day 1 Pleasure Revolution- Jank

My life will never be the same. I did something today that has changed the way I look at the world, broadened my horizons, made me wonder what I have been doing with my time. Today I went to the Olympic Spa Korean Bathhouse. For those of you who have never been these claims may sound absurd. For those of you who have been, I can hear the resounding “That’s what I am talking about!”



Let me set the stage. We drive up to the spa, the valet takes our car...this is a near first for me, save the couple of times we stayed at the Fairmont in Vancouver. Next we walk in and pay our 15 dollars, plus 2 for the little magic scrubby, which I would not fully appreciate until hours later. Then we walked into a room which looked nothing like I imagined, found our locker and took off all our clothes. Rachel versed me on all the rules:

“Don’t get your hair in the water...they will yell at you!”

“Don't’ talk too loud..... or they will yell at you!”

“Take a shower after coming out of the sauna BEFORE going into the tubs...or else...They will yell at you!“

We entered the main event. A tiled room filled with 3 good sized tubs; one a warm mineral pool, one a cold tub filled with spring water to bring down the temperature and tighten the pores, the last filled with Mogwart tea to detoxify, among other things. Then there was the Jade steam room filled with delicious scents and the dry sauna with all it cedar metallicy goodness.

We moved from pool to pool speaking with the other womyn, mostly about Rachel's overdue pregnancy. They all gushed and told her their stories, treated her with love and showered her with attention. Which is what every very pregnant mom needs when she is playing the waiting game and trying not to wait.

Hot, cold, herbal, cold, sauna, cold, sauna, cold, herbal, cold, steam, cold. This is the work to be done while in the Korean bathhouse. We did a good job.

On to another conversation with some of Rachel's friends, this time about sex and men. It may be cliché but cliché is cliché for a reason, because it is true. When womyn sit around and do ”girlie“ spa things we often talk about men and sex...it is the way of the world.

The next part of the ritual was to scrub. We were stealthy, went into the Jade steam room to start the process, a no no, we were running the risk of being yelled at by doing so. The little scrubby blew my mind, it was taking off layers of skin that may have died back when I was at Shambala, dancing in the dirt. It may not be TMI to mention this on the net but I took off a whole lot of dead skin...or ”jank“ as I have come to know it. Worried about getting busted scrubbing in the Jade room we made our way out to the rinsing/scrubbing area. Here there is a trough into which you can run fresh water, stools and shallow buckets. The idea is to sit on the stool, scrub with the scrubby, then use the bucket to throw water over your body to wash away the ”jank“. By the end my skin was as exfoliated as it has ever been, I was cleaner than I thought possible. It might seem like this would be the end, and I thought it was...I was wrong.

We exited the bath area, spread out a blanket and lay on a warmed tile floor to relax and integrate the experience. Rach and I talked about men some more, finally succumbing to our appetite. We slathered, primped and scented ourselves before leaving, refreshed butterflies emerging from a chrysalis experience.

Did I mention the toilets all had bidets? With an option for the spray to be directed at either the ”front“ or the ”rear“. The place was amazing.

This experience was the inspiration which led me to dub the next 12 days commitment the ”Pleasure Revolution“. It is gunna be a GREAT 12 days!

”What do you do to indulge?” is the question 12 days journal #154

Day 11 Walkabout- L.A.

I haven’t really been speaking about my current commitment a whole lot, I notice this as I fly through the air towards Sacramento, California, my last stop before Los Angeles. I have walked a little more than normal, but I fully admit the vague nature of this commitment has translated into a vague level of commitment. Lesson learned.

I did walk yesterday, walked away from my house in anger and found the swing which has brought me much solace in this turbulent time. Later I walked back to the house, calmer, having spent a good amount of energy pumping away my tumble of emotions. Swings are great for this. When I arrived home I ended up in a heated conversation with my husband and his partner, there were tears, accusations, hugs and expressions of understanding. Eventually Michael came home from work and then there were four of us talking. We talked and talked and talked until we all went to bed. There were pit stops along the way, one to sample the mash potatoes Rosy had made all by herself and eat a quick dinner with my mom and the girls; another for Michael to read to Rose before bed and for me to lie with her until she fell asleep. And then we all talked some more. Perhaps I should have made this the commitment of talking rather than walking, at least that way I would be doing the commitment in a manner which didn’t feel kinda like faking it.

That was yesterday, today I am en-route to LA, to be with my VERY pregnant friend Rachel and her talented partner James, of Puppetji fame. They are having a baby, and if I have any say (which I don’t) the baby will be born while I am there. Today is actually Rachel's due date, which means nothing since babies come when babies are ready. The plan for the 4 glorious days I get to spend with these 2 (3?) is to frolic, have fun, kick back, hang, and if I am blessed, be there for the birth of a wonderful little light being.

Preparing for the birth of 3 babies has taught me that WALKING is great for bringing on labour. So I will finally be making good on my commitment. I plan to walk round Venice Beach with a glorious pregnant Goddess and my favourite puppeteer, and walk a baby right on into this world. Imagine that?! If the final day of the walking commitment culminated in the birth of a baby...wow. Makes me think that maybe I want to do it again...maybe ;o)

In case you are not familiar with Puppetji...have a look.



Oh right a question, I almost forgot. Hmmmm. How about.....“What is the story of your birth?“ for the question in 12 days journal #152