September 9, 2009

Day 8 Walkabout- Bloody Confusion

Has there ever been a time when you thought you were in one place then suddenly found yourself somewhere completely different? I am not talking about a physical experience. I am talking about when I am feeling loving and connected then... BOOM I realize I have somehow been transported a million miles away. An unpleasant and inextricable melange of emotions envelopes me. I often do not communicate this to others around me, out of confusion, not knowing what is going on for me or, as is more often the case, because of self judgement, deciding that I am too sensitive is usually what pops up and attacks my weepy heart. I come up with lots of reasons to not communicate in these moments, decide it might start a fight, or am fearful that I am imagining the disconnect and will look neurotic or dramatic, and there is of course the ever present inarticulation which seems to accompany my sadness....sigh.

This morning was a combination of all I mentioned and an idea that my drama would make Michael late(r?) for work, so I didn’t say anything. Reading this may even make you believe something B_I_G happened, it didn’t, it is quite possible I suppose that this IS all in my head. Did I mention I am in my moon time? How cliché is all of this? So now I am left with what to do, go for coffee? Meet up with friends, let a new conversation take the place of this mornings events. Will this reveal to me that nothing really happened, that this was all in my moon time sensitive mind? Or is this me running away, not dealing, cursing myself to live this dynamic out time and time again, until I deal with it and put it to rest? I am so bloody confused...ha...pun most definitely intended.

Right now I am hiding behind this computer screen , not dealing, well I am, I am dealing with this journal writing software and the keys of my mac. I am NOT dealing with the person in the kitchen. I won’t be able to hide for long though, since this is going up on the net any minute now. I have discovered that there are not a lot of places to hide when you post your life’s story on the internet, imagine that.

“What confuses you about life?” is the question in 12 days journal #149


(It is actually cellulose fibre dye...but I love the pic and wanted to both share and shock! tee hee)


  1. What confuses you about life? I find that things change within me or around me although i don't appear to change, and that things appear to motivate me that I am unaware of. Some days, like the last few, people have been appearing around me and hugging me and we are enjoying each others company and then a few days later nothing much at all. It's like this switch goes on and off. Maybe if I knew all about astrology I could explain it, I could always ask my friend Dave the astrologer. As for motivation, that is clearer. Either I am motivated by what I want or need or I am motivated by some past experience, now relegated to the unconcious. The former is what I am after but all too often the latter takes over. A week ago or so I discovered how much fear I held in myself and have been unaware how much that emotion has directed my life. I acknowledge that fear has helped keep me safe and at the same time how it has restricted me. I am shifting the balance inevitably in my desire to be closer to others and to achieve what I want in life.

  2. I'm right there with you, sister...we are apparently moon cycling together this time! How crazy is that?! LOL. And you didn't fool me with the photo...the color wasn't quite right. Nice try, though! LOL!

    I am confused about why it's so hard for people to find happiness in their lives. I'm confused about why so many people seem to choose unhappiness and think that's the best they can hope for.

  3. As with everything it's about survival. If at one time you survived by being miserable, when anything like that shows up again you will be miserable because you know you will survive. Obviously the opposite is true and happiness associated with survival will ensure happiness in subsequent similar events.

    the thing is is to get control back from these past events which seems risky as you're not sticking to your known survival techniques. I find that talking to complete strangers, performing in front of an audience and letting my friends in on my emotional state breaks some of those barriers. Scary but exhilarating.

  4. I hear you, Anthony. I spent almost 10 years living in survival mode and miserable and unhappy. It was hard when I first changed my circumstances to move out of that mode or mindset. Now that I have, though, and I see how much happier and fuller my life is, it is kind of hard to understand why anyone would choose to stay in that place. But no, I haven't forgotten how hard it is, believe me.

    I'm pretty much a complete can talk to me if you need to.