Day 8 Walkabout- Bloody Confusion

Has there ever been a time when you thought you were in one place then suddenly found yourself somewhere completely different? I am not talking about a physical experience. I am talking about when I am feeling loving and connected then... BOOM I realize I have somehow been transported a million miles away. An unpleasant and inextricable melange of emotions envelopes me. I often do not communicate this to others around me, out of confusion, not knowing what is going on for me or, as is more often the case, because of self judgement, deciding that I am too sensitive is usually what pops up and attacks my weepy heart. I come up with lots of reasons to not communicate in these moments, decide it might start a fight, or am fearful that I am imagining the disconnect and will look neurotic or dramatic, and there is of course the ever present inarticulation which seems to accompany my sadness....sigh.

This morning was a combination of all I mentioned and an idea that my drama would make Michael late(r?) for work, so I didn’t say anything. Reading this may even make you believe something B_I_G happened, it didn’t, it is quite possible I suppose that this IS all in my head. Did I mention I am in my moon time? How cliché is all of this? So now I am left with what to do, go for coffee? Meet up with friends, let a new conversation take the place of this mornings events. Will this reveal to me that nothing really happened, that this was all in my moon time sensitive mind? Or is this me running away, not dealing, cursing myself to live this dynamic out time and time again, until I deal with it and put it to rest? I am so bloody confused...ha...pun most definitely intended.

Right now I am hiding behind this computer screen , not dealing, well I am, I am dealing with this journal writing software and the keys of my mac. I am NOT dealing with the person in the kitchen. I won’t be able to hide for long though, since this is going up on the net any minute now. I have discovered that there are not a lot of places to hide when you post your life’s story on the internet, imagine that.

“What confuses you about life?” is the question in 12 days journal #149



(It is actually cellulose fibre dye...but I love the pic and wanted to both share and shock! tee hee)