Day 1 Walkabout- Get Out of Jail Free

I am back from 12 days of not blogging. Refreshed? Renewed? ReAnything? I don’t know. Seems to be my mantra lately.

“I don’t know”

“I don’t have an answer”

“I can’t be more specific“

I have been contemplating charting my inability to express myself verbally, seeing if it is connected with the moon, or my own moon cycle, or crop circles, ANYTHING, SOMETHING!? I just want to understand why there are these times where my articulate self takes an unexpected vacation. Perhaps rather than looking for answers, which is part of the struggle to begin with, I could just become ok with these times, ride them out, trust that they are as fruitful as the clear, rational times.

The tricky part is that when I get into this gooey ”feelings only” place I often get sad and feel extremely vulnerable, I feel like crying a lot. Why? Well... I DON’T KNOW! This is part of the whole dynamic. When I am here, in this emotional la-la land where even writing this causes an aching right under my sternum, my nose to sting, my eyes to blur, I want to be held, understood, loved. I long to lie on a shady lawn with someone I love, their arms around me as my tears feed the grass. Yet there is some crazy pattern that exists in my life which tends to result in the opposite, instead I am often estranged from those I love at these times. Those arms feel so far away. I long for support, no requirement of explanation, just to be held safely, with no verbal rally which could result in misspoken words. How can I communicate my needs and deep confusion and sadness when they are partially caused by an inability to communicate? I am not trying to be difficult, hiding, not copping to my stuff, I am just sad and feeling extremely vulnerable and want to feel safe and supported. Perhaps I should have some ”get out of jail free“ cards made up, when I am having a day, I could just hand it over to my companion.

”Do not pass go, do not collect $200, just hug me, listen to me, don’t expect anything rational, trust that I will work this out as I always do, when I find my strong self assured self again, which will be soon...maybe when the moon is past full.“

This is me asking for what I want and answering yesterdays question. When I am feeling sad and vulnerable I want for those in my life to hold loving space for me. PLEASE don’t get angry at me, it will not get either of us what we want, I will likely pull away or come out with claws bared, things will not get any better and in the past have often gotten worse. This is what I am asking for, you of course have the option of doing whatever you choose to do. This is my part in this, asking for what I want even though I am struggling to not just crawl away and cry, please know that this is hard for me to do, and it is all I have in this moment.

I have a story that this dynamic in my life is because when those I love see me sad and vulnerable it pushes a button, maybe fear at seeing me weak, maybe they have a person in their past who they felt used tears or sadness to manipulate, maybe it is something I create to feed this story. Maybe, maybe, maybe. For whatever reason my sadness feels like it is often met with frustration, irritability, lack of understanding, and hardest of all, anger. It is a dynamic I no longer want in my life. Perhaps when my articulate, rational self shows back up we can work on this, for now I am going to hang in the sad, confused, vulnerable space, with or without arms around me.

”Is there something in your life that you would like to change?“ is the question in the front cover of 12 days journal #142

I have to end this entry by telling you how fricken hard this was to write...putting into words my frustration around my inability to put things into words...was well.....never mind, I am sure you understand.