Day 8 On Time- Flying Down

I just wrote a whole post about the beauty of the world, the beauty of my day, it was such an inspired beautiful post, a masterpiece!....and then...my blogging software dropped the ball and DELETED IT!! Ok so I am going to try and recreate, but know it will NEVER be as good as the one I wrote in the moment...oh the agony of loss! (Yes I am being dramatic)

This is my friend Ben.


He and Jill kicked my ass out of bed this morning, used every trick in the book to get me to commit to going up Pulpit Rock. Even my claims at having to “be mindful of energy expenditure” didn’t deter them. Jill even offered to carry me up the mountain. Getting up was a little harder than it used to be. I used to function like a diesel engine when I had my old body. My beautiful old body that was often a little cranky and didn’t want to get started would then run for hours on mountain trials. My new body functions more like a “crotch rocket” (Jill’s words). Ben went up higher than we did, he was planning to paraglide off the top of the mountain. Jill and I sat in the sun in our bras, journalling and eating muffins as we waited for his call from the sky. Jill heard it first. She jumped up and we waved and danced on the earth as Ben waved and danced in the sky. He was 5 minutes from the ground, we on the other hand had to make it down the mountain to the car and drive to the soccer field...we had to move it! We gathered our stuff and did our own flying. One glorious benefit to my new body is its amazing agility, with all these muscles and little weight to slow me down I can FLY!! It felt glorious to control fall the whole trail all the way down. It was like gliding over the land. Jill had a hard time keeping up to me, even with her long legs. I do have to admit at this point that she also was left holding all our gear, part of the deal to get me up the mountain. She is such a good friend. I feel alive today, this glorious first day of spring.

WE DID IT!! We got through winter! HOORAY!


(Jill, Ben and I this morning on top of Pulpit Rock)

It is going to be a good summer, I can feel it.

Happy Eostar everyone. Celebrate today, celebrate life, rebirth, new beginnings, new love, old love, love, love!

Love is what it is all about. <3

"What is one of the best days you can remember experiencing?" is the question in 12 days journal #342

Day 2 Decision Time- Grumpy Time

I actually had 4 commitments that I considered starting yesterday. I am nearing the end of this project; I have a mere 5 commitments left. I am already 2 days into this one...crazy!

I had to kibosh the original plan, I knew it was way too much for me right now. I was going to do art with Kelly everyday for 12 days.

Another idea was to give up something (nope, I am not telling you what it is... hee hee) for 12 days, I had to be really honest with myself and admit that this is one of the ways I am coping, to cut it out while I am walking this thin line would not be smart.

The other idea, the one other than simply giving myself 12 days to decide how to move forward with this decision, was to focus on what I CAN do right now. I have felt so limited lately. Yesterday Michael went skiing, I LOVE skiing, I chose not to go. Today he is up climbing Pulpit Rock, that lovely trail which I climbed 12 times, my second ever commitment, the first commitment where I knew I was going to do this project. He asked me if I wanted to go with him and our friend Judy. I WANT to go, but I am choosing not to. Tonight we have plans to go dancing, I have to conserve energy right now which means not doing a bunch of things I WANT to do in order to serve my larger goal of getting healthier. This has become very daunting.

I have been an athlete my whole life, even when I was stuck under nursing children for hours and not logistically able to get the outside time and exercise I craved I still had the ability. Even at times when I was a little out of shape, I could still drag myself up a mountain. This is the first time in my life that I have had to admit that I am not physically able. I mean that is not 100% true, I know through shear determination and pride I could get to the top of Pulpit...but then tonight I would want to sleep instead of going to the party, instead of dancing.....BLAH!

So...this is me grumpy. This is me with a bunch of little things from the morning and the big things of this last 6 months stuck inside my head creating a gooey yucky mood.

I had an extraordinary experience two Thursdays ago, in an instant something changed and I felt a palpable shift in my being. It was a simple thing, a lightning of the spirit, the best description I can give is that I felt like I was swimming in appreciation. Even with the struggle of this big decision I am making, all the sadness and confusion, I have managed to float through most of it in a blissful cloud. Today is my first day of feeling grumpy...I really don’t like it. I had a fantasy that this new blissful floaty feeling would last and last, overcome all, all the time...yes fantasy. Being human doesn’t work this way I realize, but it was a nice fantasy while it lasted.

Anyway in order to get back the blissful floaty feel I am going to focus not on what I can’t do, but what I CAN do, what I WANT to do. I am going to Bent Over Leather to get the rest of my Burlesque costume for the Valentines Day show I am in. Then I am going to Strutters, our local cool consignment store, to go get a couple pairs of pants...again. Remember the ones I got before, when none of my pants fit me anymore? These are now baggy in the butt...ugh...size 0 here I come.

When this is over, whatever this is and if there is such a things as over, I am going to get my booty back; my sexy round bottom that looked great 3 sizes ago...skinny is not all it is cracked up to be womyn...believe me.

Oh look I am still grumpy....BLAH!!!



Oh hey! On the non grumpy side of things, do you know what journal today's question goes into? 300!!! Can you friggen believe it?! I am almost done.

“What have you achieved that you are proud of?” is the question is...DRUM ROLL PLEASE.... 12 days journal #300 ...wow.

Day 8 Community Support- New Moon

I invite you in this very moment, to look up into the sky, no matter where you are or what time of day it is, and set an intention for the coming 29 1/2 days. For tonight is the new moon, a time to quietly plant a seed, and know that as the seed is planted the deed is done. That now it is a matter of being open to receiving the shoots and leaves which arise from the ground bearing us the exact fruit we chose. An ordinary miracle!

Just as I was imagining the waters had become shallow, I see that this was to allow a long cool sip of air before diving deep! Tonight I attended a New Moon Sister Circle. These circles are as old as the moon herself. When the night is at it’s darkest it is a natural time for us to gather in tight, speak our plans. Tonight there was much talk of beauty. The beauty of the apple blossom. The diversity of beauty, how it is not a static state but one that comes in so many seemingly incongruent forms. We spoke of the beauty of blossoming sexuality, and how fear and shame have cloaked the simple beauty of being divinely, sensually human. As I sat in this circle which is not lead by one but by all, I saw that “local talent” like beauty has so many forms. That while some is showcased on a stage, or classroom, so much more than that goes on every day in living rooms and parks and about anywhere you or I could imagine. That everyone of us is an amalgamation of so many skills, of so much wisdom, that we are all “local talent”. That without a neighbour to show us how to turn off our water intake when the pipe has burst, or the friend who knows how to deal with those pesky cabbage moths, or that brother who knows just what to say when all seems lost, that we would all be just that... lost. Community is a combination of the words common and unity. As we come together in union and share the skills that we have, teaching them to others until they are truly common, until they colour our everyday. As we evolve first as families, then as villages, nations and finally as humanity. Standing on each others shoulders while giving a hand up, that this will be the ultimate manifestation of all local talent. If you want to find local talent to support, go into you living room or step out your front door, the next person you meet has something to teach you.

Our circle tonight was at first an apple blossom of 5, then when Pamela arrived it was a 6 pointed Star of David. I was full of joy when I discovered that there was 3 of us in the circle who knew of this experiment, that had experienced it out in the world. The circle was held at my friend Eau Vive’s home, she took home 12 days journal #36 which I had left last week in dance class. The other was a womyn I met for the first time tonight, Anna. She found one of the journals I left on Pulpit Rock, over a month ago. I was of course the third. I took from this experience that since half of us knew about the project that it must be growing roots. During check in Nicky spoke of the tangle of roots under the surface, she spoke to the tenacity of quack grass. Yesterday I felt like throwing in the towel. No journals have returned, comments on the blog have been waning, I was feeling less enthusiastic. Nicky's reminder of roots, helped me to visualize the roots of this project, that they are silently taking hold beneath the ground. That my intention was set with the commencement of this commitment, I planted the seed, my job now is to be open to whatever fruit is borne of this mystery seed. 12 days journal #41 will be given to my sister Nicky. Inside is written “What is you intention for the next month?”. I know what hers are as they were spoken in circle, but I would like her to have the journal as a token of how much I love her, of how grateful I am that she welcomed me, included me, when I moved her 2 years ago. Thank you Nicky, I am so very blessed to have you in my life!

And finally a song. A song I sing for the New moon, for those who long for lovers far away, and for the spring that gives way to summer as Solstice approaches. My intention for this moon is to Let Love Rule! And so it is Bernice, and so it is!

Day 7 Open Heart Letter- Unstoppable!

Ah facebook, the networking tool of our times. My “status” currently reads:

Magdelene just ran 7 kilometres in the barely lit night to swim in Kalamalka Lake, stood naked on the shore howling at the waxing crescent moon...and is UNSTOPPABLE!

I do this to proclaim to the world that I feel fan-friggen-tastic! My morning did not start well. I stayed in bed far longer than I like to. There were harsh words in my house this morning. Family life is not always easy. Sullen faces, avoidance of eye contact, grunted verbal retorts seemed to be on the breakfast menu...not that I ate any. Then slowly the day began to wash away the anger of the morning. There was sweet milky coffee, and a shared joke with the womyn who made it for me. I cracked my first smile. Then some Laddhu’s from the local Krishna food joint. Sugar is so gosh darn comforting. After a shared Indian wrap and a long car ride we were back on speaking terms.

I live in a wonderful mountain town of 10, 000 people that is situated on a pristine lake. Lovely skiing in the winter on gobs and gobs of pillowy powder. With our many lakes, streams and rivers there is much fun to be had during our smoking hot summers as well. The one thing our town does not have is full medical services. We have what anyone might need if they say, got hit by a bus, but for more specialized needs we must travel five hours to the city of Kelowna. Home of the notorious OgoPogo, Canada's answer to the loch ness monster. My partner sustained a head injury nearly 2 years ago and so we make regular visits to his Neuro-Psychologist in this lively vineyard city. So when I say a long car ride I wasn’t kidding!

By the time we neared Kelowna the morning had been forgotten. Since completing my 12 day Pulpit Rock commitment I have been missing daily sweating in the outdoors. So we stopped at a trail near one of my favourite lakes and set off for a hike before dinner. Originally we had not planned to run all the way to the Lake, it was 3.5 kilometres each way and the sun had just set. Once we got going, though, we just couldn’t stop. And once I got to the shore I still couldn’t stop. There is something about a natural body of water that always has me tearing off my clothes no matter the weather or circumstance. There is still snow up on the dessert mountains here in the Okanagan, the water was chilly, but my body was coursing with warm blood and it felt fantastic. My whole life I have had this, this soul salve, the transformative feeling of raising my heart rate, blood coursing, bringing my body alive, it is a gift. I love being active. It boosts my confidence, my love for my body, my love of the outdoors. I have known my partner for nearly 17 years, and for most of that we have been a couple. We have many things we do well together, and this is one of them. Being active together has meant sharing the times that our confidence and awareness is at its peak. He has encouraged me through three children, many injuries and general inertia, with love and humour, to get off my butt and claim this natural endorphin high. And so less than 12 hours from a nasty morning fight we stood on the shore of a beautiful mountain lake, naked and dripping wet as a happy couple. We are a formidable set, strong and committed. We do things a little differently in our relationship, some of our ways seem strange to others. We are certainly not ordinary, but we work, and the proof is in the pudding, old pudding from 1993! Everything from this mornings argument is not forgotten, there are still things to be worked out, there always will be, such is the nature of relationship. But at the end of this day our love is strong with roots that run miles deep. This is the power of a 17 year commitment.

12 days journal #16 will be hand delivered in Kelowna, BC to my naked swimming partner. Inside the front cover it asks “What do you do that makes you feel really alive?”

Day 5 Open Heart Letter- Calling

What happens when you realize your calling is something that scares you to death? I get these moments, more and more often lately, where I see it clearly, what I am meant to do. Where my strengths lie, where I can do the most good. I wish I could say it were accounting, or farming. Something with a defined label, a skill set that can be easily listed on a resume, a history not fraught with gross misunderstanding. In these moments the fear often propels me back towards denial, back into believing I have been overcome with fanciful ideas. That a degree or a certificate is the way to go, walk the path that is well worn, established, understood. Then something happens and there it is again, the clarity round what I am meant to do this time around, attached to a huge pile of self judgement. My RE-realization of my calling today comes as a result of messing up. Of entering into something lightly, ignoring the responsibility that comes with knowing. My mind is then filled with the many many famous quotes about messing up, about mistakes, about “nothing ventured”. I know this “mess up” comes as a beacon, screaming out, “Move forward!! Commit!”. I am motivated in this very moment to commit, to own what my calling is, move boldly forward. The problem? Well that would be the paralysis that overcomes me when I imagine explaining my choice to just about anyone...oh believe me there is a reason this entry is so cryptic! How do I stand in the world as I really am? And if I apply all the “advise” I might give if I were asked this question by another, I retort...“you don’t understand! This is different!” A friend today told me she felt like a caged animal...I know this feeling, I too am a caged animal. I also know the door to my cage is wide open, the only thing keeping me in here is me.

I have not decided who to write to yet today. I am going to go climb Pulpit rock...go see if I perhaps left the answer to my troubles up there.


The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one.
-Elbert Hubbard

Day 1 Open Heart Letter- My muse.

I have known since about halfway through the Pulpit rock 12 day commitment what I would be committing to next, but it took until today for me to know exactly how it looked. It took writing my first open heart letter to know exactly how I wanted to take this next step.

I wrote a letter to my muse today. He is part of how this whole experiment came to be. We have known each other a relatively short time, 7 months. He has inspired and challenged me in so many ways. We were going through a rough patch in our friendship when I was cleansing (the first 12 day commitment). I was throwing myself into whatever I could as a distraction. This distraction took on a life of its own and became this experiment in the ripple effect of inspiration and self discovery, so it seemed fitting that he be the first I write an open heart letter too. By open heart letter I mean putting pen to paper and just beginning to write what is in my heart in regards to that person. No editing! No need to make it prosy or even literate! Just pour the heart onto the page! For the duration of this 12 day commitment the question for the daily 12 days journal arises from the writing of this letter. The journal then goes in with the letter and is mailed. What the receiver of letter does with the journal is of course up to them, they can hike it up a mountain, leave it at a book store, fill the whole thing up and mail it back to me, whatever they are inspired to do.

Today is a special day for me. I had decided to keep this project quiet until I could feel the momentum and had all the wrinkles ironed out. In a fashion that is very “me” I decided upon a ritualistic way of releasing to the world what I am doing. When my muse receives his letter and has a chance to log into this blog and read what he has helped to inspire, I will then start telling the world.

As for you my wonderful sweet intelligent loving muse. You came up the mountain with me for the last 12 days and my heart shouted from the top how much I love you...in many many languages.

The question in side 12 days journal #10 reads, “How do you want to be loved?”

Day 12 Pulpit Rock-Beauty!

I had plans of how today would go. It is the final day of the first bona fide commitment. My youngest had different ideas though. Her dad is leaving for 5 days and there was no way she was going to school this morning. We bargained, we attempted to bribe but she wouldn’t budge. So the plans changed, and am I ever glad they did. After a breakfast bun and a cappuccino, the official breakfast of the Pulpit Rock commitment, the three of us headed to the trail head. Right at the bottom we saw Bob! The man who had returned 3 journals to me thinking they were lost. He told me he had been looking for more every time he went up. I also found out he collects any garbage he finds on his almost daily hikes. It is nice to know that when I go back to only visiting Pulpit occasionally that Bob will still be around cleaning up and taking care. My goal for today was to savour this last hike. My little Rose facilitated this. It was not that she was slow, she had me running a number of times. It was how she saw the trail, she looked forward to different mile stones than I did. The “painted rock”, the rope assist to get up the steep parts, “the place where the dogs had a fight last time“. She had a different perspective, I think this coupled with the pangs of sadness at this being my last day, had me seeing all the incredible beauty. There were scads of yellow glacier lilies. They carpeted the ground at the top. On my first hike up I saw 1, barely in bloom. What a difference 12 days makes. Then there was my beautiful family, the view of my beautiful home town, all the beautiful people who came up the trail, I was overwhelmed by it all. Most of all it was my baby girl’s smile, her beauty shines from deep inside her being. 12 days journal #9 read ”Tell me about something you think is beautiful“ I wrote about the authenticity of a smile, beauty like no other.

I can feel this experiment really taking hold. Tomorrow I get to release my newest commitment. This week I will begin to come out to my friends, and family about what I am doing. In a little kudos from the powers that be I got my first email today. It was from one of only 5 people who know about this experiment. He found 12 days journal #2 sitting on a bench outside a local cafe. He wrote in it and left it for the next person. Thank you friend for letting me know, it made my day :o*

Day 11 Pulpit Rock- Drawing to a close

As I walked up the trail today I was simultaneously relieved and saddened that tomorrow would be my last day. I am tired. I need a break from this intensity for a few days. The trail is relatively short, but very steep in places. We had to make it up and down in an hour today, so this made it extra intense. These are the reasons for my relief. My sadness comes at knowing that this experience of walking in the woods everyday for 12 days will likely not happen again for a while. That without a commitment to do so, it will likely fall behind on the list of things to do. My life is like that, I suspect many peoples lives are like it too. There are so many wondrous and delightful things to do in a day and only so much time. I am going to set an intention to really slow down on tomorrows journey up, soak it all in, enjoy this last day of my first consciously completed 12 day commitment. The cleanse was certainly an accomplishment, but not in the same way that this one was. A commitment to commitment itself .

On the inside cover of 12 days journal #8 is written “What are you committed to?”. Apparently I am not committed to accurate spelling though, I spelled the word COMMITTED wrong in the journal, how is that for irony?

Day 8 Pulpit Rock- Waking sadness.

I woke up sad this morning. I dreamt of a close friend last night. I had many dreams and he was in them all. When I awoke I had that funny phenomena of feeling like I had been through a huge emotional upheaval, but no one around me knew where I was at. When i get like this I can be cranky. I feel misunderstood, sometimes even like I am not cared for. The thing is it is all based on dreams, something that didn’t even happen except in my head. Got me to wondering about real life situations which I may have experienced in a very skewed way, perhaps misinterpreting the actions or words of another. Emotions get stirred in me and feel real, just like after the dream, but in relation to a perception of someone else's actions or words that didn’t really happen the way I experienced them.

On the way up the trail I thought about this friend. It seems as though he has so much that he wants to say, but doesn’t. Keeps it inside. I imagine him to be a prisoner in a jail created by his truths that he sees as too.....something, to share. I don’t know what that something is. At the top I decided on the question for 12 days journal #5. “Is there something you have been longing to tell someone that you still haven’t been able to?” maybe one day it will reach him.

I found 12 days journal #4 still at the top. It had a mixture of writings in it. Some silly, bordering on rude, which is fine, I really invite any responses. There was one very touching entry, again on the first page, this is a very interesting phenomena how the first entry is quite often very steeped in emotion. I am staying true to the commitment I made a few days ago, and not posting the journal entries until the journals are sent back to me full.

Day 7 Pulpit Rock- Herb girls!

At this point in the experiment there are only 4 official 12 days journals out there in the world. At some point today I had all four in my hands. #1 and #2 were back with me because of the valiant Bob tracking me down and returning them. I left 12 days journal #1 in Oso Negro. I figured that since most days it has been part of my Pulpit Rock ritual to stop there for coffee, that it seemed fitting. I left 12 days journal #4 up at Pulpit Rock along with 12 days journal #2 which makes this its second time up. I thought all were free and roaming, when I got another call from Bob. Bob caught another journal, 12 days journal #3, and wanted to give it back to me. I imagine Bob might think I am a little crazy and forgetful. I explained that I was doing an experiment, and that if he found another he could leave it up there. See Bob is quite a bit older than me, of another generation, and what I realized today was, he would never be so rude as to read any more of the book than necessary to get it back to me. I am such a curious creature it would never occurred to me NOT to read anything that was right out there in plain sight! He kept assuring me he had not read any of it and when I asked him that if he saw another book to please write in it...well again he just gave me a look as though I might be a couple coconuts short of a load, but of course with a nice big grin. Thanks again Bob, you are wonderful. With 12 days journal #3 in hand, I was walking downtown. I saw a newspaper box and on an impulse put it inside. I am not sure why.

It was a coldish walk up Pulpit, but I had lots of company to keep me talking which keeps me warm. Two six year old girls joined Chris and I and they brought their dog along. They chatted all the way up, stopping only now and then to catch their breath or get pebbles out of a shoe. They marvelled at the tiny streams which appeared out of nowhere, drank with wet grins, exclaiming how good the water tasted. Collecting treasures, a square rock, a four leaf clover, a ball of old mans beard, they happily made their way along the trail. Right before the top they begun to run ahead, so excited for the view. Standing atop the highest rock, which made me a little queasy, they rested fists on hips and smiled. Confidence and self esteem oozed out their pores, mixed with sweat they had earned with their perseverance. There is nothing that will take a child further in this world than a belief in their own abilities, of this I am certain. This feeling, this knowing, this being, is what I want for every child on this planet...and all it took was going up a mountain. Simple, attainable, enjoyable. I am planning a picnic with my whole family this weekend.....I want more of this kind of joy!

12 days journal #4 was left at the rock with the question, “What are your hopes for your children and/ or the children of the world“. I am finding that letting the journals go is always a little hard. Like children, I want to protect them, worry harm might come to them, that they may never return! But it is of course by setting them free that they are able to blossom....I will see you soon little journal...maybe even tomorrow if Bob finds you!

Day 6 Pulpit Rock- Clarity

Last night at 2:00am things became much more clear. How this is all going to work is falling into place. I think I have finally worked out the score for the entire project.

The 12 days 2 inspire experiment is an ongoing 12 day experiment lasting a full year. I will choose an endeavour and commit to undertake it for 12 days. When I am done I will commit to something new. What will I choose next? I don't know, I am not there yet. During each day I will be mindful of what my current 12 day commitment evokes; questions, themes, ideas, conclusions, musings and more. From this I will pose a question that I will write in a journal. In undertaking my 12 day commitment I will find a way to send this journal out into the world. So that by the end of the experiment there will be roughly 365 journals that have roamed freely asking questions spawned from my own personal experiment in self discovery. When the journals are returned, I will enter them into this blog. I do this to commit to commitment for the sake of passion, love and discovery. And know that in doing so I will inspire the same and more in peoples lives in whatever capacity they choose to experience this experiment.

Last night I got an email from a man named Bob. He had found 12 days journal 1 and 2 at the top of Pulpit Rock. They were not very well marked and he thought I had left them up there by accident rather than by design. He also posted a note at the bottom of the trail. He was very very sweet in giving them back to me and the lengths to which he went out of his way to do so. THANKS BOB!! this gave me the chance to better label them. I will be releasing them back into the wild tomorrow...not sure how yet. They had some wonderful things written in them. I am grappling with whether to enter them into this blog entry, or waiting for it to come back by mail as per the instructions on the back of the journal....hmmm. I will decide by the end of this entry.

I was reflecting today about how many times in my life I have wanted to do something like this experiment, but didn’t for one hundred and one reasons. I got to speaking with my friend Anthony who was lamenting how he wished he would buckle down and work on his music. I thought about the times I have been uninspired, lacking in motivation, caught in paralytic inertia. These times have never been as a result of a lack of good ideas! I have plenty of those. It has always been a lack of action. I am not talking about the chores I put off because they are tedious and fairly uninspiring like laundry and taxes. I am talking about that half painted picture, which I know exactly where the next stroke of paint goes. Or the afghan squares that I have knitted only a measly 2 out of 24 needed (far cooler than it sounds I assure you, take a look it is so funky!)

“What have you been putting off, procrastinating, that you would likely get much enjoyment out of doing?” became my question for 12 days journal #4. This is to help remind me that when I feel depressed as a result of lacking motivation to do things I love, I need to push through. That the sense of accomplishment, excitement, feelings of inspiration, fiery mind, feisty spirit, lowered stress levels, not to mention the end result (be it a painting, an afghan or a 1 year commitment to self discovery) are so very very worth it.

Oh...ok... here is what was written, but from now on we have to wait until the journals come back from the wild....OK?....OK.

12 days Journal #1 “How do you express love in your life?”

“Love. I like to smile at people. To see their response. That’s love!”

“Dancing”

“Every thought- Prayer
Every Move- Mindful
Everything- With Spirit in Heart”

Sigh, I couldn’t agree more. You guys rock!

12 days journal #2 “What inspires you?”

“What inspires me? I think it is pretty cool that this book w/ this question is sitting in a pretty inspiring spot!! Connection inspires me. To nature, to others, to animals. All connections. All that is in this world”

“Strawbale houses”

“Meeting my needs. Seeing someone make the best with what they have. Music“

”Impermanence.
the mystery unfolds
the magic appears
and I am inspired to watch
one present moment
evolve into the next“

”Color inspires me. My color is yellow.“

”Nelson inspires me to leave. Pulpit rock inspires me to see the beauty in Nelson“

What inspires me? This project, I am so glad I chose to do it. ;o)

Day 5 Pulpit Rock- Feral journals

As we were getting ready to go up the trail head I asked Chris to put a replacement journal in the camera case. We made our way towards the top, which is getting easier and easier. The first 600 feet or so is crazy steep but after that the assent become somewhat gentler. There is a rope to assist hikers at one especially steep part right near the top. It is at this point I have started getting quite giddy at the prospect of reading the journals. This is where Chris realized in making a last minute decision to carry just the camera and not the case that he had left the replacement journal behind. I figured it would be ok, we could just leave the other ones up for another night. I could input them on the blog tomorrow. I went to where I had left them. They weren’t there. I looked all around, figuring people might put them in a spot they thought was more protected or visible. No journals to be found. I was sad. this had become a much anticipated moment of my day, and now with no replacement journal I would not have this moment of delight tomorrow either. Lesson, lesson...what is the lesson? I searched the bushes for a while. Chris felt terrible, suggested the he would run down to the car and get it. Which would mean 3.2 extra kilometres (2 miles) , 300 (984 feet) meters down, 300 meters back up. Sweet gesture but from a guy who just got over conjunctivitis yesterday, I couldn’t accept. I considered doing it myself. It would have felt like quite the accomplishment. The thing was though the more I thought about it, this, these events that were happening ARE the experiment. I have set up the parameters, decided on variables, what happens when these are combined is what this is all about. The score was not to make sure that there was a journal left at every destination at all times, it was to commit to 12 day undertakings, leave journals places in relationship to that undertaking and leave the rest to the universe. So there you have it. 12 days journal 1 , and 12 days journal 2 are wild! Feral, out there in the world and making there way to God knows where. They were the first journals I ever numbered or put the blog URL on so it is fitting that they be the first to wander off. God speed little books!

On the practical side of things I am reminded that there is no day like today. I am going to make up full labels with great explanations, email address, blog URL’s, physical address, the works! So that next time this happens, because there will be a next time, the little journals have a batter chance of making it home.

So thank you Chris, for leaving the journal in the truck. Inspiration comes in many many ways.

One last note. I have to say what a wonderful and abundant part of the world I live in and how grateful I am for this. Though the Pulpit rock trail has no streams that cross it, the earth at the moment is like a sieve. Every once and a while a little running stream with form from water seeping through the ground. I was struck by what a blessing it was to live in a place that is so abundant with fresh running water. We drank from these little streams and at the bottom of the trail drank again from the overflow of someone's water system. there are places in the world, many many places where water is a luxury. I truly love living in the mountains and the forest. I am so very very blessed.

Day 4 Pulpit Rock- Love and loss.

I don’t know why I still find it so amazing. How the universe always aligns to give me exactly what I need. It is amazing in a completely ordinary sort of way. The way that carrots and peas that sprout from seed are still amazing to me no matter how many times I sow them. Yesterday when I left the journal at the top of the hike asking “Tell me about something you have lost that still pulls at your heart”, I didn’t imagine I would lose something the next day. And yet I did, and now I get to answer my own question.

I woke up this morning to an email from a dear friend saying that he felt the need to remove me from his life to a certain degree. Due to what he called a “danger of slipping into compulsive behaviour”. While I understand he is taking steps towards wellness, that this has nothing to do with him not loving me, that in fact his love for me is what makes this necessary. None of this stopped me from balling my eyes out, from feeling as though I had lost something so very dear to me. This loss pulls at my heart like the moon pulls at the tides, with an ancient intensity that overwhelms. This morning I couldn’t stop crying, I hid in my bathroom “getting ready” trying to hide from my children the pattern of abandonment that was triggered. They of course knew anyway. Got ready without argument. My eldest made breakfast, my middle was eager to help me, getting me what I needed. They mothered their mother, though it all went unspoken. They knew my heart was shattered and they loved me in the way I needed in that moment. I am so very very blessed.

I know from my friends brave and tender email that he feels he has lost me. He courageously admitted that watching me blossom was too much for him to take. That he needed to take control of this loss in order to protect his heart. I understand. Understanding does not make it any easier to take.

Writing about my life has always been a salve for me, and having the opportunity to answer my own question is the beginning of healing this hurt. I feel as though I am in service for offering others the opportunity to do the same with the 12 days journals. And grateful to the universe for inspiring yesterdays question, something I thought was for others, but turned out to be for me. Within an hour I will begin my hike and go read about what others have lost. These are things which connect us all, things every human has experienced, love and loss.

Day 3 Pulpit Rock- They wrote in it!!! But first my friend Dana.

I went up to Pulpit Rock today with a dear friend. Our kids are best friends from way back. She and her girls just moved here. She has always been an inspiration to me and is one of the toughest womyn I have ever met. Most of the time I have known her she has lived without running water and other modern day “necessities”. She recently returned from Central America where she travelled by local bus with her two young children for 3 months, with very little cash and all their belongings on her back. She is a farmer, I have seen her work harder and more efficiently in a morning than I have in a week. She is sensitive and loving, all with a self admitted hard and crusty crab shell. She is feisty, sometimes to the point where I get scared of her passion (which can be seriously angry passion), but I know that despite any quarrel we might have, (which is rare) she would give me the shirt off her back, even though she needs it more than I. I love her. Today while we walked she told me something that made me ponder what it means to be strong. She told me *I* was the strongest womyn SHE had ever met. Said that what I had been through in my life amazed, and inspired her. That it was done with grace (Or maybe I added that part). There are so many different ways of expressing strength. I may not have toiled and struggled in the same ways Dana has, but she reminded me today that I have struggled and toiled in my very own distinct ways. And my secret? Well I have always been a “silver lining”, “everything happens for a reason“, ”I am given what I can handle“, ”this too shall pass“, kind of gal. I am proud of us both.

So, so, so...I was excited when I reached the top, on yet another drizzly cold day, to look in the journal I had left. At first I couldn’t find it, then I looked over the first ledge and there it was. I opened it and was delighted to find a BUNCH of people had written in it! The journal said:

”Tell me about someone, something, anything that you love“

Many children responded.

”My sister Piper and my sister Sadie, they are both so cute. I love chocolate!“

”I love all my friends and family, and my dog and cat“

”I love my fish, I love my old fish. i love the whole world. Most of all i love my family“

Made my heart sing and my eyes tear. One boy even wrote a story called The Smallest Frog, who was bullied but overcame adversity by using the skills he had learned from being the smallest ”ex-tadpole“. The adult entries included (an assumption based purely on hand writing)

”I love hockey!“

”I love my town“

”I love the clean air and a chance to dream. I love my husband and my daughter, who give me smiles everyday“

”I love life! What’s not to love. Life is what you make it. It is not about the situation you are put in but how you act and react to those situations. If you choose to love you will!“

So very very true. The following was the first entry in the journal, it read;

”My adult daughter who won’t speak to her dad. She has an eating disorder and it disrupts her whole life“

I choose to believe that being able to put this into words, at an unexpected moment, brought this womyn strength, or solace, or something else I cannot put a name to. I believe it helped her in some way. I wanted to invite people to talk about loss and grief, the necessary shadow side of love that make the light so very sweet. This inspired me to ask:

”Tell me about something in your life that you have lost that still pulls at your heart“

I can’t wait to go up again tomorrow and find out.

Day 3 Pulpit Rock- Dream doldrums

I woke up this morning after dreaming much of the night about art. In the last dream I was to FINALLY put some of my work in a gallery. When I got there to hang it, I found I had only brought two pieces. The gallery was now also being run as a warehouse discount store. There was very little space left on the walls for art. When I located some space, I took my pictures out of a plastic grocery bag to find they were very small, and not the art photos of the installations I made this year but funny family shots. The womyn in the gallery came to help me hang them and informed me I had printed them on the wrong paper so they would never sell. Finally when I went to hang them up the one that had now shrunk to a 2 inch square, got a price tag stuck to it and ruined the picture. In my dream I was frustrated, I wanted this so badly and yet my mind created so many obstacles to get in the way of my own success. This is a pattern in my life, I recognize this. I know how talented I am in many ways, specifically artistically, but I don’t put myself out there. That would be saying “I think I am good!”, “I think I am worth it!”. It is stifling, maddening.

I think I will hike Pulpit alone today. I am feeling the need for a walking meditation. My mood is brightened somewhat by the thought of reading what was written the “12 days journal” I left at the top last night. We started our way up just before 6 p.m., walking the whole way through mist and rain. The view at the top was eerie, a drop over the edge into a misty abyss. Without this 12 day commitment I would likely have never climbed to the top in these conditions, I would have waited for “better” weather and a “better“ time. As it turned out the weather was perfect, the mist made the greens of the forest other-wordly. The lighting made it all seem magical and the trail was deserted. Only 15 days into a year and I can already see how this adventure is going to change my perspective on so many levels. What a gift!

Day 2 Pulpit Rock- BLOGGING blog!!

I have almost nothing to say about the actual wonderful experiences involved in creating, executing, tweaking, fantasizing, working on this fantastic new adventure I am on...because I spent all my time tonight working on making a blog....ARRRGGGHHHH!!

It is late, my back and brain hurt and I need to go to bed so I can climb to the top of Pulpit tomorrow for the 3rd time. What I am excited about is the little journal I left at the top, inside a couple of baggies that asks the question “Tell me about someone/something/anything you Love”. I will let you know what was shared in tomorrows post. And hopefully get this blogging blog stuff all straightened out so I can begin the poetic part of this journey. Good night all! Wondrous wondrous dreams.

P.S. Before I go here is some info on Pulpit Rock

Day 11 Cleanse- Conception

Today while sitting in Oso Negro, I came up with an idea for an experiment. A wonderful fun experiment!

My husband and I are doing a 12 day cleanse. Yesterday I was thinking about how I have not exercised since we started. I don’t like this. A group of womyn from school were talking about hiking up to pulpit rock every Tuesday. This got me thinking about a cleanse of another kind, one where I could eat chocolate and drink cappuccino with impunity! How about a sweat cleanse, sweat hard for 12 days. Why not go up pulpit rock everyday for 12 days? And so it was decided we would do another 12 days of something new. We were unsure when to start. Maybe Saturday...no no too early, we will just be done the cleanse. Tuesday? The kids will be in school again, but that is to far away. We didn’t settle on a particular day, but commited to do it.

Later in Oso I got a brilliant idea. Why not choose a new 12 day ritual every 12 days for 12 months. It could be anything! Whatever emerges, whatever seems pertinent at the time, whatever would (theoretically) work with my schedule. It could be something big like silence for 12 days, or little like committing to floss for 12 days (I know I should be doing it daily anyway). The real story would be in not what I chose but what emerged from the ritual. So today is the first day...well technically it is the 11th day, of the first 12 day ritual which is a 12 day Wild Rose Cleanse. Tomorrow we finish the cleanse. On Saturday we climb pulpit rock for the first of 12 days. What a score!