Day 12 On Time- Reality Check

I can’t believe it...

Tomorrow I will make my very last ever 12 days commitment. Once I have done everything necessary to launch the last commitment all I will have to do is carry it out and ...Bam...it is done. Over. Kaput. I did it. Holy shit.

Thing is I am kinda sad. A huge part of what has brought me to this point disappears that day. I have never had a good answer to the question “What do you do for a living?”. At least this year I could say in good conscience that I was a writer, I do it for hours (nearly) every day. As for how it contributes to my “living“, it hasn’t brought me fame and fortune (yet) but it has brought so much unbelievable love into my life, makes it such a joy to live. I have reconnected with old friends, made so many new ones. There was also all those emails I got from readers that I never got around to replying to, I feel terrible about those, when I remember them, I just didn’t have enough time. This project took over my life, or perhaps the way to look at it is I managed to record one of the most fantastic years of my life...who knew? I have been humbled by the number of you who have stuck with me through the whole thing, and surprised by the number of times I get ”I read you blog“ from people I never would have imagined to wanna know. You have become my geeky internet family....AND I AM GOING TO MISS YOU WAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH....

Ya it really hit me today that this will end in just 12 more days...

Wow...



wow...

”What do you do for a living?“ is the cheeky question in 12 days journal #346

Day 11 On Time- NDE

I have a stronger appreciation for my sisters now than I ever have. If I knew that being this connected to my fellow Goddesses could bring this much comfort and ease I would have given over years ago! Phew!

Now just in case it is coming across that I am fresh out of break up and hitting the “Goddess Train” in a backlash towards the more masculine of our species, this is not the case. I still love the men of our species AND I am NOT fresh out of break up. Michael and I are talking, working, playing. A new beginning with no expectation, just being in the moment and letting our trust in one another to ask for what we want, and talk about how we feel drive where we go next. Relationship self determination.



Back to my sisters. Angela is a sister who I have never met but who has followed me through this project, she has held my hand on this journey. She once commented that I always seemed to be writing about something specifically in her life. Then yesterday she commented about her 2 near death experiences. This came the same day that I fully began to understand the importance of my own near death experience, how it has shaped me. I am not talking about fear as I was a few days ago, but faith.

It was a near drowning, and it went largely unnoticed by anyone in my family because of the circumstances in which it happened. It was traumatic as you might imagine, but there was another side to it, a beautiful side. There is a picture in my mind that I still see of the water turning sunlight into rainbows right before my eyes, of the texture of the bark on the trees which were preventing me from reaching air. This moment brought me faith, so much faith in beauty; not the least of which was knowing that if in that moment I could find beauty it would be mine to access always.



“What happens when you die?” is the question in 12 days journal #345

Day 9 On Time- A Man with Heart

Tonight, after a day filled with rehearsals and 2nd day of spring doldrums, I sat staring into my wood stove, building a fire. I watched flames dance on fractured logs as they resisted surrender . Pangs of sadness pulled when I thought about springs progression and how this means this stove would soon sit empty. It is unused for anything other than clutter in our blazing hot Nelson summers. I SO love having fire in my house, I miss it all summer long. I suppose this is the trade off for being able to swim outside in glacial lakes. Nelson is a truly amazing place to live. Life here is so filled experience and connection. I spent last night with friends celebrating equinox. We sat in circle, danced, shared a feast, did ceremony and the best part was it evolved completely organically. Living in Nelson makes it easy to see God in everything.

I was sent this video by someone I love very much, he knew how much it would mean to me. The man in the video one of my Guru’s. He would DETEST being called one so I won’t tell him, I will tell you instead. And while I love singing with him, it is not his voice that makes him someone I honour, it is his big Bhakti heart.

Jai Uttal "Babies for Bhakti" from Omega Institute on Vimeo.

“Who has influenced your work?” is the question in 12 days journal #343

Day 7 On Time- Water Love

So much has happened today, why can’t I think of what to write? Oh wait I got a message from my friend Rachel, something about how to love a womyn! If it comes from Rachel then it must be good, not only that if it is good then I can simply do a repost. It is what I do when I am feeling lazy. Today was a hard day, a delightful day, but also hard. Ok I am going to look at the thing Rach sent now.

(very little time passes)

I only read the beginning quote and the first line, I am posting it without reading the rest, I don’t need to know anymore to know it belongs on my blog. I will read the rest once I submit this entry.



If You Want to Change the World… Love a Woman

"When a fairly spiritual male friend of mine who had finally found and was deepening into committed relationship with his soul mate confided in me he was thinking of being single again, and in the next breath expressed his latest idea for raising consciousness worldwide, I wrote this poem." - Lisa Citore


If you want to change the world… love a woman-really love her.
Find the one who calls to your soul, who doesn’t make sense.
Throw away your check list and put your ear to her heart and listen.
Hear the names, the prayers, the songs of every living thing-
every winged one, every furry and scaled one,
every underground and underwater one, every green and flowering one,
every not yet born and dying one…
Hear their melancholy praises back to the One who gave them life.
If you haven’t heard your own name yet, you haven’t listened long enough.
If your eyes aren’t filled with tears, if you aren’t bowing at her feet,
you haven’t ever grieved having almost lost her.

If you want to change the world… love a woman-one woman
beyond yourself, beyond desire and reason,
beyond your male preferences for youth, beauty and variety
and all your superficial concepts of freedom.
We have given ourselves so many choices
we have forgotten that true liberation
comes from standing in the middle of the soul’s fire
and burning through our resistance to Love.
There is only one Goddess.
Look into Her eyes and see-really see
if she is the one to bring the axe to your head.
If not, walk away. Right now.
Don’t waste time “trying.”
Know that your decision has nothing to do with her
because ultimately it’s not with who,
but when we choose to surrender.

If you want to change the world… love a woman.
Love her for life-beyond your fear of death,
beyond your fear of being manipulated
by the Mother inside your head.
Don’t tell her you’re willing to die for her.
Say you’re willing to LIVE with her,
plant trees with her and watch them grow.
Be her hero by telling her how beautiful she is in her vulnerable majesty,
by helping her to remember every day that she IS Goddess
through your adoration and devotion.

If you want to change the world… love a woman
in all her faces, through all her seasons
and she will heal you of your schizophrenia-
your double-mindedness and half-heartedness
which keeps your Spirit and body separate-
which keeps you alone and always looking outside your Self
for something to make your life worth living.
There will always be another woman.
Soon the new shiny one will become the old dull one
and you’ll grow restless again, trading in women like cars,
trading in the Goddess for the latest object of your desire.
Man doesn’t need any more choices.
What man needs is Woman, the Way of the Feminine,
of Patience and Compassion, non-seeking, non-doing,
of breathing in one place and sinking deep intertwining roots
strong enough to hold the Earth together
while she shakes off the cement and steel from her skin.

If you want to change the world… love a woman, just one woman .
Love and protect her as if she is the last holy vessel.
Love her through her fear of abandonment
which she has been holding for all of humanity.
No, the wound is not hers to heal alone.
No, she is not weak in her codependence.

If you want to change the world… love a woman
all the way through
until she believes you,
until her instincts, her visions, her voice, her art, her passion,
her wildness have returned to her-
until she is a force of love more powerful
than all the political media demons who seek to devalue and destroy her.

If you want to change the world,
lay down your causes, your guns and protest signs.
Lay down your inner war, your righteous anger
and love a woman…
beyond all of your striving for greatness,
beyond your tenacious quest for enlightenment.
The holy grail stands before you
if you would only take her in your arms
and let go of searching for something beyond this intimacy.

What if peace is a dream which can only be re-membered
through the heart of Woman?
What if a man’s love for Woman, the Way of the Feminine
is the key to opening Her heart?

If you want to change the world…love a woman
to the depths of your shadow,
to the highest reaches of your Being,
back to the Garden where you first met her,
to the gateway of the rainbow realm
where you walk through together as Light as One,
to the point of no return,
to the ends and the beginning of a new Earth.

-Lisa Citore

“How do you love women?“ is the question in 12 days journal #341

I love Jill.

I can’t wait to read (or perhaps write) “If You Want to Change the World....Love a Man”

Day 6 On Time- Oops

Oops!

“When have you not lived up to your commitments?“ is the question in 12 days journal #340

I may not have written and submitted this entry on time but I did receive the following response to yesterdays entry on fear. It comes from my very new friend Keith and since IT was written on time I am going to let myself off the hook. I wanted to share it with you all because I think it is brilliant.

“haha. ok I'm getting a little chuckle here...I'd like to suggest you approach your fear not as a horrible something to get rid but as an important part of yourself that is desperate to be heard...the problem with not listening to your fears is that a) they are part of you so it's a form of self-hatred to ignore or deny them their proper place in your conscious expression...this leads to a repetition of of karma because a fear that is held and not given full and proper release will draw back the same types of experiences until this happens..

the second issue is that without hearing your fears in a way that is non-judgmental towards them, your conscious mind is often unable to discern whether it is an old fear that is being triggered and is seeking release or a new and real threat that needs to be treated and responded to as such..

this is further complicated because fear and anger have a very bad rap in a lot of spiritual teachings..keep in mind that many of these teachings/traditions were originally practised by men who've never been laid and which reflect serious denied inferiority complexes towards all things feminine, especially emotional expression.”

Yes yes yes. Such a good reply! Especially the last paragraph. It is so true that our spiritual teaching from the east come nearly exclusively from men, celibate men at that! There is nothing wrong with this, celibate men have a lot to teach. What I want to know is where are the spiritual teachings from the womyn who loved to make love as a spiritual practice? Now there are some teachings I could really learn from!

Day 5 On Time- My Truth?

I have stifled myself for too long. I know that may seem a laughable comment from me, here on the blog I speak so boldly, courageously. What I have noticed since Michael and I split is just how often I don’t speak my mind out of fear, fear of verbal conflict. It is not lost on me that fear of conflict creates conflict. This awareness doesn’t seem to change that am still unclear how to deal with it. Stay out of relationships? Forge ahead in spite of fear? Find out how to rid myself of this fucking fear which takes over my heart again and again and again. I am so tired of it.

Two days ago it felt like I had all the answers. Today I feel distant from God and confused.

There is one thing I am not confused about though. I know it is time to start speaking MY truth, MY way, not just here on the blog but in all my relationships.

“The most courageous act is still to think for yourself. Aloud.”
-Coco Chanel


No one messed with Coco, she knew how to speak her truth aloud.

NOTE: Once I had submitted this entry I started looking at the tarot card website I still had up from yesterday when I was researching the number 18. It took 2 minutes of reading to find out that the moon card, number 18 in the deck, is the card which represents... FEAR..damn it! I had to add this in, to tell you, to share this confusion. This was the last line in the description of this card.

“When we experience the fear of the Moon card we need to take courage, ignore our well-wishers and tread our own path, for only we know, in our own hearts, what is right for our highest good.”

Talk to me heart, tell me what is right for my highest good...please.

“Do you speak your truth?” is the question in 12 days journal #339

Day 4 On Time- Not yet

What do the number 18, the tree of life, the moon and me all have in common? No really...do you know? Can you help me connect the dots? How about one female black cat and one male, both who love to commune with me when I am at my most tender, when I am fully open. Or the number 12? People ask all the time...why 12? Why not 18 days 2 inspire or 9 days 2 inspire? I have answers, things I have decided to explain it, but the truth is I don’t really know.

I know I am 36. I know 2 18’s are 36 and 3 12’s are 36. I know that the number 18 in the tarot is the moon. I know that I follow the moon, trust in the wisdom of waxing and waning eternally. I know that the moon pulls the water, and that water is a symbol of emotionality. I know I am an emotional being, I say this with much pride.

Today felt like a new beginning. Today was easy. “Easy” is the intention I set last night on the new moon. That is one fast turn around don’t ya think? I am surprised, somewhat puzzled by this ease that showed up today. I had ideas that today would be hard, luckily I am not easily tricked by “ideas”, I trust my feeling. Today was easy...and that is all I needed to know, think and feel to stay in the easy.

​

This symbol is called “chai”, pronounced “hai”, it is a Jewish symbol which means “living”. It also adds up to the number 18...I don’t know how or why, I am not Jewish and just discovered this symbol today. I do know when I find one, a beautiful one, I will wear it as a piece of jewellery. I will wear it to symbolize myself in this 36th year of my life, I will wear it until it no longer serves me. Why? I don’t know...yet. I can’t explain it...yet. What I do know is it is important. It is a celebration and moniker of where I am at right now. The fact that I can’t explain it YET doesn’t make it any less important or real.

Thinking, Knowing and Feeling are all important, equally important. They are the sacred 3 which form the triangle of existence on this plane, the keys to understanding love. 3 times 12 is 36.... I will leave it at that because I can’t make it any clearer....YET.

“How do symbols show up in your life?” is the question in 12 days journal #338

Day 3 On Time- Let's Talk

Fridays picture caused a stir.

Thank you, to all of you who commented, sent emails or simply thought about me. I know you are all concerned. I know the look on my face in the “before” shot one is happy and the other is not so much so. Know that these are captured moments with back story. In the first I am regarding my Rosy, my little creation, my walking, talking art exhibit born of my own body. She has a light that colours this world in a way no other could, and I am her mother...of course I look happy! In the other I am scrutinizing my iPhone, trying to make it work with the light AND coming to terms with my new body which is an active effort. I was happy in my life when the “before: shot was taken, I was sad sometimes too. I am happy now, and sometimes I am still sad. I am happy more often now than than I was when the “before” was taken, it may not look that way in these two moments, but they are not representative of my entire experience.

Here is a pic taken today. I have the same body (give or take 3 days) as the “after” shot. This picture was taken by Rosy. I asked her to be my photographer while I typed this entry. We are hanging out together this afternoon because she is on spring break. I am working to keep my daily commitment. We are working and playing together at Oso Negro. I was trying to see her behind the camera while she was taking shots, we were laughing, having fun. The picture was taken right before I accidentally put my hair in my mushroom soup. Look at my face...do I look happy?



Lets talk about my body.

I want to be really clear with everyone. I did not have an intention to lose this amount of weight. It is something that started happening 7 or 8 months ago. At first I was happy. I have struggled with body image issues my whole life, this should not be surprising given it is a cultural obsession. I was happy to loose a little weight, liked the way I was looking in my bathing suit, I am sure most of you womyn can relate to this. Then as the weight loss continued I began to get alarmed. I sought medical advice, fear of the unknown was driving a deep need for answers, I never found any, no definitive medical ones anyway.

This weight loss is a combination of many factors, one of these factors is stress. This blog has changed my life, it requires a crazy amount of dedication, this causes stress. My relationship with Michael, one I have no model for because it is completely out of the box, has been stressful. The blog and Michael have also changed my life in ways I never could have imagined, AMAZING positive way. I have a level of self love I did not have a year ago. This coupled with the reality of being this thin has forced a new relationship with my body, one that means being more mindful. My body pulls me into presence, “Feed me NOW!” it says and I listen, I have made it my priority. I ignored my body before, actually to be perfectly honest I HATED my body before. Through this experience I realized this hatred had NOTHING whatsoever to do with my body. It was merely a way of keeping alive stories that no longer served me, a way to run from self love. Loving myself, accepting the transformation both inside and out has brought such relief and ease.

I don’t have all the answers, I still have to live with the ambiguity of exactly why and what is causing this transformation. Trusting ambiguity is a huge lesson in faith, one I am thankful for.

I can not be the “before” shot so many of you seem to feel comfortable with. I am not that person any more. I am brand new, a scaled down version. I am new and this presents me with a choice of how I am going to think of myself.

This is my body RIGHT NOW, I can choose to judge it, continue the cycle of self violence by saying I need to be something other than what I am....or I can love it. I choose to love it. I accept that my body has changed and will change again, and again, and again, this is a certainty. I will take the lessons I have learned, apply this self love no matter what shape my body takes on. This is the gift.

Again, thank you all for your concern, for loving me. Oh and as I type this I am sharing a sandwich and soup with Rose. I am eating bread, cream and butter all at once, along with carrots, mushrooms, fish and peppers. I promise you I am taking care of myself, I am asking you to trust me.

“What lessons have you learned from your body?” is the question in 12 days journal #337

Day 2 On Time- Truth Time

ACK!!! Well that was a miserable failure. I totally flaked on the commitment and didn’t get the entry up in time. I was exhausted after Chris’ surprise party. I could barely get undressed let alone work. But TODAY, today and EVERY other day I am going to get the entry up ON TIME! Only 22 days more...wow what a year this has been.

One more thing. It is time.

Time to tell you that Michael moved out. I strive to be transparent and truthful with this blog, but it was just too close to my heart to say so before now. He left on March 6th. I am still unclear what our relationship will look like in the future. I have grieved then let my anger rise up and am working on acceptance. I don’t have the clarity to say any more.

“What are you committed to?” is the question in 12 days journal #336

Day 1 On Time- HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHRISSY!

We had to stay in a tiny town called Greenwood last night. As we left Kelowna there was a terrible blizzard. We were rounding a corner covered in slushy snow when our truck began to slide. Hurdling downhill in the middle of driving snow as a semi truck is approaching is a nerve wrecking experience. We hit the concrete embankment on my side, I could feel the momentum of the vehicle continue as I peered over the rocky cliff into a black hole. I thought to myself, ‘if we go over this glass window next to my head is not going to offer me any protection, this could get ugly!’. The momentum toward the cliffs edge abated as Chris pulled us out of the skid. Thank you Chris, thank you God.

Our truck was a heirloom. Passed down from my father-in-law to my husband. His name was Alfred, we called him Opi. Opi said to Chris on his death bed, “The truck is yours now”. This was a big deal, that man loved his truck. As we were skidding again right after the initial impact, Chris started lamenting the damage done to the truck. I was thinking to myself, ‘You have got to be kidding?! Let’s get out of this alive first and then we can worry about the truck!’. I wasn’t taking into account how much this truck means to Chris, I can forgive myself this, I was after all watching my life flash before my eyes! I wondered in that moment as I looked over the cliff who would take care of my kids if we both went on to our next lives? No easy solution came to mind. Lucky for us this is not an issue. We are alive and well and travelling back to Nelson a day late.

And what a day it is! March 13th, the day my husband was born, 38 years ago! We will be going out for dinner tonight, just he and I....or so he thinks. There will actually be a group of friends waiting at the restaurant for him.....IT’S a SURPRISE PARTY! WOOHOO! Lucky for me I am behind again so I won’t be able to actually post this until tonight after it is all over.

Happy Birthday Chrissy! I am so blessed to share my life with you...oh and thanks for being such a good driver....I do appreciate your driving...even when you increase speed around corners while I am writing. :oP

​
(Chris this summer with Rose and Lily at the beach in Seaside, California)

“Who do you appreciate?” is the question in 12 days journal #335

Latest Commitment! On Time

Yikes, I am behind on uploading entries.....AGAIN! I promised myself I would be better about getting the entries up daily as this is the second to last commitment before I am DONE DONE DONE! So that is the commitment, to write and post each entry each day, back to the way I did it in the beginning. This is no easy feet considering I am three days behind on editing. To fulfill this commitment I need to submit 4 entries by tonight. Today is Chris’ birthday, so this is going to be extra tough. Lucky for me I AM extra tough, resourceful and can pull my butt out of a sling. So I am off to edit and write as we drive over the snowy mountain pass between Grand Forks and Castelgar.

Wish me luck!!