April 13, 2009

Day 3 Pulpit Rock- Dream doldrums

I woke up this morning after dreaming much of the night about art. In the last dream I was to FINALLY put some of my work in a gallery. When I got there to hang it, I found I had only brought two pieces. The gallery was now also being run as a warehouse discount store. There was very little space left on the walls for art. When I located some space, I took my pictures out of a plastic grocery bag to find they were very small, and not the art photos of the installations I made this year but funny family shots. The womyn in the gallery came to help me hang them and informed me I had printed them on the wrong paper so they would never sell. Finally when I went to hang them up the one that had now shrunk to a 2 inch square, got a price tag stuck to it and ruined the picture. In my dream I was frustrated, I wanted this so badly and yet my mind created so many obstacles to get in the way of my own success. This is a pattern in my life, I recognize this. I know how talented I am in many ways, specifically artistically, but I don’t put myself out there. That would be saying “I think I am good!”, “I think I am worth it!”. It is stifling, maddening.

I think I will hike Pulpit alone today. I am feeling the need for a walking meditation. My mood is brightened somewhat by the thought of reading what was written the “12 days journal” I left at the top last night. We started our way up just before 6 p.m., walking the whole way through mist and rain. The view at the top was eerie, a drop over the edge into a misty abyss. Without this 12 day commitment I would likely have never climbed to the top in these conditions, I would have waited for “better” weather and a “better“ time. As it turned out the weather was perfect, the mist made the greens of the forest other-wordly. The lighting made it all seem magical and the trail was deserted. Only 15 days into a year and I can already see how this adventure is going to change my perspective on so many levels. What a gift!

1 comment:

  1. Wow, Bernice! (Don't mind me...I'm reading from the beginning to get caught up. LOL.)

    It really IS amazing and beautiful how positive this adventure has been already! I can't wait to join you!