April 26, 2009

Day 4 Open Heart Letter- Self doubt Sundays

What is it about Sundays? Most often Sunday is the day I am unusually riddled with self doubt. This morning I had thoughts of “Why am I doing this experiment? No one will read this blog! It is silly” These thoughts are fleeting and I know enough about the Loki nature of my mind to not believe self deprecating stories, especially those told to me on Sundays. So why do I experience these self doubt Sundays? Is it because of my history? As a kid they meant a new week of school. School was hard for me, I was little, had a funny name, was one of the youngest, this recipe made for a fair amount of bullying. Is this why? Or perhaps it was my history as an adult? Chris worked most weekends, when other families were together, we were apart. Could this be it? Or is it something else? Perhaps Karmic? Maybe in a former life I was executed on a Sunday for some horrible crime I committed. Maybe this life time I am paying that debt? Perhaps the weekly debit from my karmic account is withdrawn on Sundays? Or maybe it is a collective thing? In our culture a large number of people consider today to be the day of the week set aside to honour the sacred. I love the idea of this, I would love to celebrate with my community in a way that feels sacred for me on Sundays. When I travel to California, something I do monthly, I am blessed to spend the odd Sunday whirling round a room in silent prayer. We dance for about 2 hours together, in reverent communion. This is my spiritual practice. Here where I live most often this does not exist. Perhaps I am confusing a lack of connection to the divine, to my community, with self doubt. Maybe it is not self doubt at all, but merely that Sunday is a day I need more than self. Since I have always lived in a culture where Sunday is the Sabbath, perhaps it is deep ingrained in my psyche that today is the day to gather and give/recieve strength to/from my community to rejuvenate my sense of self?It is my goal to start a Sunday Dance church here, inspired by the work of the amazing visionary who created Soul Motion. I am asked often by people in my community “WHEN?!”. I am not sure. And today of all days is not a good day for me to ponder too deeply why I have yet to create this event. I feel I still have work to do before I can do justice to the awesome responsibility of holding sacred space. I believe I will know when that time comes, and I figure it will probably happen on a Monday.

I will be writing today to the friend and Teacher who is my inspiration for creating a Sunday Dance Church. He inspires me to create a safe haven for those who feel they don’t have a place they belong when the church bells ring out. A place to commune in a way that celebrates and honours the divine, using our bodies as our prayer wheel. A place to walk into the room with self doubts, or any other of a myriad of emotions, let them loose on the dance floor and trust whatever personal journey results. Surrounded by a community who are doing the same. A place to be “alone together”.

“Do you have a dream that you are working towards?”, is the question being sent out into the world in 12 days journal # 13. It will be send off today to my friend who lives in Portland, Oregon. Which is perfect because it just so happen that Sunday in his FAVOURITE day!

1 comment:

  1. My long-time dream that I am working toward is to write a novel and, hopefully, have it published. I have always dreamed of being an novelist, ever since I was a child. Like you with your art, I know I have talent. I put it off to start my family but have taken it up again.

    Related to your dream above, I am getting so much out of kirtan...I have a wish list of Indian instruments I want to learn how to play. I would love to start doing informal kirtans in my living room (for starters). I have a lot to learn before I can do that, but my heart yearns to go in that direction.