April 27, 2009

Day 5 Open Heart Letter- Calling

What happens when you realize your calling is something that scares you to death? I get these moments, more and more often lately, where I see it clearly, what I am meant to do. Where my strengths lie, where I can do the most good. I wish I could say it were accounting, or farming. Something with a defined label, a skill set that can be easily listed on a resume, a history not fraught with gross misunderstanding. In these moments the fear often propels me back towards denial, back into believing I have been overcome with fanciful ideas. That a degree or a certificate is the way to go, walk the path that is well worn, established, understood. Then something happens and there it is again, the clarity round what I am meant to do this time around, attached to a huge pile of self judgement. My RE-realization of my calling today comes as a result of messing up. Of entering into something lightly, ignoring the responsibility that comes with knowing. My mind is then filled with the many many famous quotes about messing up, about mistakes, about “nothing ventured”. I know this “mess up” comes as a beacon, screaming out, “Move forward!! Commit!”. I am motivated in this very moment to commit, to own what my calling is, move boldly forward. The problem? Well that would be the paralysis that overcomes me when I imagine explaining my choice to just about anyone...oh believe me there is a reason this entry is so cryptic! How do I stand in the world as I really am? And if I apply all the “advise” I might give if I were asked this question by another, I retort...“you don’t understand! This is different!” A friend today told me she felt like a caged animal...I know this feeling, I too am a caged animal. I also know the door to my cage is wide open, the only thing keeping me in here is me.

I have not decided who to write to yet today. I am going to go climb Pulpit rock...go see if I perhaps left the answer to my troubles up there.

The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one.
-Elbert Hubbard

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