Day 8- Ask 3 times...

Hot on the heels of Yom Kippur, the day of atonement, I find this poem. It was given to by one of my Teachers, a man who gives of his spirit endlessly.

The Healing Time

Finally on my way to yes
I bump into
all the places
where I said no
to my life
all the untended wounds
the red and purple scars
those hieroglyphs of pain
carved into my skin,
my bones,

those coded messages
that send me down
the wrong street
again and again
where I find them
the old wounds
the old misdirections
and I lift them
one by one
close to my heart
and I say
holy
holy
holy.

Pesha Gertler




Tomorrow is Mabon or Fall Equinox, a time of balance between light and dark. As the time of high festivities comes to an end, as the summer takes her youthful place behind Autumn, we honour equanimity. After 3 months of packing in all that summer brings we stand in awe of the majesty of our abundance. Whether it comes as this festival is often know in the form of food from the ground or from some other area of the hearts planting and tending, now is the time to honour what we have created in our own lives. There are always times for “should have” and “could have”, now is not one of those. If you find yourself judging what “mistakes” may have lessened your bounty, remember lessons are learned in tricky ways sometimes, don’t be so quick to dismiss those mistakes as wrong doings. Forget all of that and instead look at your life.... and whisper
...holy
holy
holy.

This is the wisdom of Yom Kippur, ask atonement of your bones and forgiveness is given so long as you yourself grant it. It can happen in an instant. It is just that simple... no t’s to cross, no i’s to dot.

I forgave myself today. I love you Will.

“For what do you ask or give forgiveness?“

Day 2 Lovin Nelson- Shine 324

The everyday dance is essential to keeping alive what was created in the dome by the ocean where I danced with so many loved ones. So many beautiful people who opened their hearts and said YES to the world, to God, to me, to themselves. Jill helps to remind me to do the everyday dance.

She saw me in Oso this afternoon while I was reconnecting with one of my beautiful brothers, a peaceful warrior ready to take the sword when the time comes . Actually scratch that last part, he already taken the sword time and time again, he has shown up to be his glorious self, even in the face of fear. Jill danced in and reminded me to dance. We set a date, when I was done my conversation and coffee I was to make my way to her shop to dance.

I walked in and told her what I needed. I need support in staying on track, in finishing this project. I need someone to kick my ass out of conversation and down to a quiet space to write. I need to take all the love that I have conjured in the last 11 days and use MY medium, this blog, to spread that love. Love is infectious, I see it time and time again. I saw it last night with my family when I stood up to Chris with a powerful dose of love as our children watched. It was a little tense at first but by the end we were all in a big love cuddle pile. Lily beamed from ear to ear as she witnessed the proof of our families love. Love truly is the way, it is the answer. So simple.

In honour of the everyday dance here is a link to a beautiful sister who is doing a similar project to my own. She is committing to filming a dance everyday, doing her everyday dance and sharing it with the world. She is a bright beautiful light. Shine sister shine! And for the rest of you who enjoy watching Mary’s dance, or reading my words and who are finding your own way to spread love...you shine too!!. Infect the world with your own personal elixir, intoxicate others the way that only you can, because there is only one you. If you do not let your personal love shine it will be lost to the world. This world needs you.

Shine brothers and sisters....SHINE!!



“How do you make the world a better place?” is the question in 12 days journal #324

Day 8 Photo Op- Mac Fest

What a trip this place is. It is process land, like a huge multi layered onion. So many beautiful folk filled with light and questions, shadow and yearning. So many on a path of discovery for self, discovery of the source eternal, trying to reconcile the two as one. Letting go of the idea of duality is a process with many layer, and Esalen has a way of tearing them away in quick succession.

I didn’t go to dance this morning. I went instead to help Rachel pack up Skylah and all the stuff babies require when travelling. After cuddles and aknowledgments of each others wonder, she left, on her way back to LA. Then I called my family. There were tears, onions are known for causing tears. I spoke with Michael, Chris and Ayla, it was so nice to speak with all of them. Each gave me a piece of what I needed to remember that I am whole here, even as I delve through so many layers. I love my family, we are so very beautiful, what we have created is magical.

With so little time left in the morning class I came to the lodge to write. It took till nearly noon for this to happen because it is so very hard not to get drawn into amazing conversations in this place. When I finally did find a place to settle down and write I found myself in a room full of my own people...Mac people. If there was an Olympics for new age sensitive types it would be sponsored by Mac. I am currently sitting in a room with 8 macs, 9 if you include the iPhone I took the picture with. It is such a funny phenomenon, this Mac revolution...I do so love my mac.



“What tools do you use to help you in your day to day life?” is the question in 12 days journal #318

Day 5 Just Breathe- Womyn from Florida

Back in October I wrote an entry which expressed my gratitude for a “womyn from Florida” whom I danced with at the Madrona BodyMind Institute. Later I wrote a peice for the Soul Motion newsletter and included the internet address of this blog. I got the following email today from the “womyn from florida” , she received the newsletter and followed my byline here to the 12 days 2 inspire blog.

Dear Bernice,

Thank you for sharing your journey in 12days2inspire. I didn't get it until the Soul Motion Newsletter arrived. I started reading your entries and was so touched that our meeting at MMI resonated with you.

I thought I would share my story of the workshop with you. I am a Nia teacher and my love is to create a space for people to discover their own dance and to love it. This summer I was diagnosed with stage 2 malignant melanoma. It was a life changing time as I did not know what the rest of my life would look like. Thank goodness it had not spread, however the surgery was so invasive and the loss of control so frightening, I literally felt that I no longer was in my body. I did not know if I could still dance. I certainly did not feel I could hold the space or High watch for anyone.

One day I came home and my husband said - don't kill me but I called Aletia and booked Vinn's workshop for you. What a gift it turned out to be. The weekend was magical - on Saturday Vinn walked into the room and said I am going to show you how to get into your bodies - he read from A Gift From the Sea - I had brought him a shell as a gift and on and on it went. (yes I love to collect shells) I felt overwhelmed by the warmth and love that surrounded me.

Your part - when you grabbed my hand at the edge of the witness circle and we danced around it together!

The rest of the week was wonderful as well - stayed with good friends in Seattle, connected with womyn I danced with long ago and connected with family and a friend dying of brain cancer. I was able to be open to all of it. It is still resonating within my being.

Now I haven't seen you on your blog in 3 days. The mother in me is concerned. In my heart I know your are well. You have inspired me to start my own 12days2inspire for at least 12 days lol!

I love you so....

This letter was just what I needed today, to remind me of who I am, why I am enough, perfectly me. That I make a difference in positive ways, that I have grown so much, and continue to do so, that there is no need for me to go any faster than I am. It also helped to kick my butt into taking care of myself and not ignore the obvious, that which I have a feeling others around me see and are not telling me. Tell me the truth of what you see, let this be your gift to me.

“What is the greatest gift you have been given?” is the question in 12 days journal #231

Day 5 Visual Creation- Everyday Dance

I wrote the following for the Soul Motion quarterly newsletter. There is a column called “Everyday Dance”. Here dancers speak of how we take what is learned in the dance out and into our everyday lives. Soul Motion is a practice, a tool, like meditation or mantra, to be used in realizing oneself without veils, at least for me it is. This is an account of one of the many ways I use the dance in my life, one that is very pertinent to both the time of year and state of my health in this moment.

”On the ground, head hanging, hair tendrils sweep the dance floor from side to side. My eyes are closed, both look inward. There is a call to rise, a call to duty, I feel it in my body, feel it second only to the call to stay here, on the floor. Like a seed, I remain closed, filled with potential and faith, know that eventually I will heed the call and come back into community, find the together part of ”alone together“. Until then I enjoy the sweep sweep sweep of my hair, use my body to prepare this holy space. I came here to hold the ”high watch“, as it turns out I found the grace and necessity of holding the low watch instead. I can not hold the group until I can hold my own sweet self. Giving myself this restorative pause, held in the pulsation of so many souls in motion, honouring exactly where I am, is holding the place of witness, witness to self.

I do this same thing here in my everyday. I am frail at the moment, not strong like the womyn you may know, the one who gyrates, shakes and sweats for hours in a state of ecstatic bliss. Living big and ”out there“ has taken its toll. Like the trees outside my window, I have had to drop my leaves and turn my focus inward. It is time to let the sap I have cultivated soothe my weary body. I am taking a break from the ”high watch“, instead I am choosing another mantra, one I hear repeated over and over when travelling between school in California, and a home life in Canada filled with family, community and this work. ”Securely fashion the oxygen mask over your own mouth before attempting to assist others“. In this moment I am going to simply be mindful of how I am being breathed.”

Bernice Raabis is the commitment maker behind www.12days2inspire.com and is presently attending the Tamalpa Institutes Movement-based Expressive Arts, Embodied Leadership Program, in Marin County, California. She lives with her BIG family in the mountain town of Nelson, British Columbia, and is co-owner of Nelson’s newest movement studio, set to open this month.“

It was a real challenge to be limited to 300 words. I am grateful for both the experience and to have been asked by both Vinn and my curly haired Devi Dasi sister Steph. I love you both very very much.

”Do you feel you have a bigger purpose for being here?“ is the question in 12 days journal #219

Day 6 Listen- Listening to the Mystic

I listened today. Not in a new way, I have listened this way before, but today was different. I let go of the embarrassment, the ideas, the worries about what others might think, let go of not trusting that they want me to shine.

“Let your beauty shine, the world needs it“. I was told this by a womyn from Florida, a womyn I have met before but do not remember her name. I love her so, she came to me today completely vulnerable, tears streaming, not because she wanted anything from me, but to tell me that she sees me, encouraged me to keep it up, the being me thing that I have going on. Why not? I am the only one I can be.

So this me, this imperfect, vulnerable, self judging me, danced with a boy named Sage today. The first time I noticed him in the room, I saw a boy with autism, he had curved his hands smooth, with holding and rubbing, hand over hand. His eyes saw what lay above us all but could not muster the connection right here...or so I thought, this was my idea about Sage. His father took him lovingly round the dance floor, so much love. It was palpable how much this man loved his son, I didn’t have to ask to know Sage was his son, it was right there on the surface. Sometime later after an experience in the dance where I tapped into a moment from my past, a moment of fear and reclamation, I found myself kneeling before Sage, my teacher. I imagine him a mystic, and asked him, with my body, with my heart, if he would teach me. I noticed that we were connected in movement, mine was big and measured, his smaller, subtle, yet there, along with mine, we moved in unison. He lowered his eyes, not quite to mine, but enough. He began to let go of the grip of hand holding hand, his arms began to rise up. Then spontaneous laughter, like music! We danced, and I listened, listened to his body with my body, and we connected in a rare way, a sweet rare beautiful way. What a gift, what a glorious gift.

I saw his father later, a ceramic artist with a gentle way. He thanked me, I thanked him. I didn’t see Sage again. I remember his eyes though, and his gentle soft hands, hand holding hand, in such a particular way. I wonder what it might be like to walk amongst this world as a mystic in the way that Sage is, to see the world through those eyes, through those hands.

The less I talk, the more I listen, I see, or perhaps hear the mystics, and I am so overjoyed that they are everywhere. Such beauty in this world, such beauty.

”Where do you see beauty in this world?“ is the question in 12 days journal #196

​
(The Soul Motion Crew at this years Madrona MindBody Institute Vinn Marti Workshop, what an amazing group of beings! Picture Taken by David Conklin)

Day 5 Listen- I Am My Teacher

The pain of not being able to drop into the dance, while I know fleeting and easily forgotten, at the time feels like deep lonely isolation. If we were to be dancing the “alone together” dance it would be easier to take, the alone dance is easy to muster when I feel alone. Today though we are doing the “common union” dance, the ephemeral duet. I know that to feel it as tragic may seem self indulgent, a mountain out of a mole hill. I do have perspective. I know that by lunch, maybe even in a moment, after a hug, just the right words, a glance, this feeling of quiet sad desperation will abate and likely give way to a new delicious mood. This is why I write about it, to capture it, know it, bring it to the light so I can recognize it instantly, honour it, its connection to the string of times I have felt it before and will feel it again. A bead in the endless mala of moments. I write about it because it matters, alone times, sad times are not to be tucked away, ignored, gotten over, fixed. They are a part, they connect, they teach, hold wisdom and answers.

I sit before a room of 75, many with eyes closed, moving slowly, repetitively, expressively, God faces, God movements, tapping into the Divine. I sit. I write. I know this, what I am watching, felt it just yesterday, but today tapping it is a mystery. So i tap this instead, what you are reading . Something that just yesterday I couldn’t touch, I couldn’t tap.

Now the floor pounds, feet hit shiny wood, hips gyrate, arms flail, smiles of bliss everywhere. Still I sit and write, watching Vinn, my love, my Teacher as he moves and know him in a way that awkward conversation out side of this room will not allow. Am even resentful that writing this pen in hand means transcribing it to the computer later, as though this was his fault, as though my decision not to bring the computer into the witnessing circle is his decree, rather than simply what is necessary to capture this sacred space. I know this and I put the resentment elsewhere to hide that it is actually still just the pain of not tapping into the divine, my mind plays tricks. The resentment spreads, I want to dance! Feel the euphoric abandon, yet here I sit. Watching Michael now, how i love the way this man moves, hands strong, flexed at the wrist, taunt belly peeking from beneath his shirt, pink drawstring below. I wonder in another moment of magnified desperation if i will ever dance again.

Who? Who has loved with all their heart something, someone, and has not known this fear? This fear of what we love being lost to us? It is almost more than i can bare....

And yet i know that by the time you read this, what I am describing, this feeling of desperation and yearning, will be gone, transformed. This is why I write this, to capture this moment, one I believe so many have experienced, and maybe never shared, maybe out of embarrassment or fear. I want you to know, I have felt it too.

I pull out my “What i want” journal and write;

“I WANT TO DANCE”

Michael moves past me. Jade moves past me.
I watch many others, but still do not shake and quake, there is no impulse to follow.

I know the only way is to get up, start, and so this is what I am going to do.



I was going to leave it there, but it would have been incomplete, here is the rest:

I dance closed, trying to be open, hands over eyes, gaze turned down. Many tried to commune, I tried back. TRYING though is not the best recipe for ecstatic experience, it is paradoxical that the opposite is generally what brings ecstasy.

Up dances a sweaty smiling womyn of such beauty. She pushes up on her cheeks, to create a smile, an invitation. I smile. I hug her and say “thanks for noticing”. She tells me I am absolutely beautiful, open eyed, no walls, she let me in and told me she saw beauty. The ice is broken. Being seen is so powerful a thing. I spy Michael and know I can find connection there, something that has not always been easy for me with male partners here on the dance floor. I endure the slightly awkward beginning, accept the clumsiness of emerging from this shell. Then we click. His body listens to mine, mine to his. I feel safe.

I was not as connected in the dance this morning as I was yesterday. Exceptional experience becomes mundane if it inhabits the everyday. This wanting which I experience today is very much a part of the ecstatic, ecstatic foreplay. I know it will return, today was a reminder of its sweetness.

“Who do you consider to be your greatest Teachers in life?” is the question in 12 days journal #195


P.S. In the afternoon session I had one of the most ecstatic experiences I have had on or off the dance floor yet...so there you go.

Day 4 Listen- At a Loss

“Dancing in ever widening circles.”

“Concentrating on the shared space, the space between you and I.”

“Everyone one deserves....”

“As a dance community we will.....“

”Holding the high watch”

“Become cleaver at noticing“

”Come back, Come back, share what you have found“

Dancing with Vinn is a mystical experience, one that is hard to explain once I have left the room where the magic happens. I can remember snippets, feelings, quotes, but trying to convey exactly what went on in the room seems impossible. Especially when there is so little time to write and so many people I want to connect with.

Perhaps I will try again tomorrow.

”What do you contribute to your community?“ is the question in 12 days journal #194

Day 3 Listen- A Dancing We Will Go

8:40 AM- Woke up this morning by the side of the road near Spokane, Washington. I find this part of road tripping to be kind of eerie. I told Michael this morning that I kept imagining someone coming to tap on the car window, get us to move along. Time to get up!

10:42 AM- North Eastern Washington is a bit sparse. We couldn’t seem to find a locally owned, organic, wholesome delicious place for breakfast, so instead we hit the Starbucks and drank coffee, while cutting up avocados, spreading them on corn-cakes. Delicious. Michael and I eat very similarly, corn cakes have played a major role in our relationship. I am sitting typing as Michael reads. The girls behind the counter are speaking about Halloween and the Bible. We have had more than a few stares and questioning looks, we don’t exactly fit in here. I love this about road tripping, how in an hour the whole social climate can change, we will be in Seattle before long, the birthplace of this Starbucks, the town where I could sit here drinking coffee and still be supporting local entrepreneurship. A city where Michael and I can walk in decked out in hemp, feathers and funky shoes and go relatively unnoticed...relatively.

3:46 PM- We are on the Coast! Our car is filled with groceries for our workshop. Trader Joe's sells Organic Butter for 4.59 a pound...can you believe it? And our Canadian maple syrup is about half the price here. I know the cost difference is accounted for somewhere, perhaps in lower wages or unfair trade...I am weak, what can I say. I would go on about the cost of feeding a family of 6, but would only be justifying to myself so I will save you the reading. We sit here in a cafe doing the internet thing, we are somewhere in Seattle, not sure where, but google map will get us where we need to go.

4:20 PM- SHIT! We didn’t realize Port Townsend was still 2 hours away! We are now racing to make the workshop on time.

4:31 PM- DOUBLE SHIT! We just realized there is a ferry to take into consideration...man this ocean stuff is hard for a land locked girl like me!

6: 13 PM- TRIPLE SHIT! I was up on deck changing and putting on some make-up when the ferry docked. The Captain forgot to make an announcement, it was the womyn cleaning the bathroom who let me know the cars were already getting off. I ran like a bionic womyn to catch up with Michael, who was of course patiently waiting for me down the road with only some little funny remark. He accepts and loves my flakiness, this I love about him.

10:20 PM- Ahh... In our room after dancing with Vinn. Heaven. More Tomorrow.

“What do you struggle with while travelling?” is the question in 12 days journal #193

Day 2 Listen- MMI

Michael and I are off today to Port Townsend, Washington. Just below Canada, on the Pacific Coast is the Madrone MindBody Institute (MMI), where we will be attending a Soul Motion workshop. MMI was started by two dance friends, Allison and Aletia, it is their baby, a converted Military base gymnasium come movement studio. The whole military base has been turned into an eclectic Conference Centre, MMI being but one of the fantastic centres for change that now sit on this land. What a great reclamation of old buildings on a beautiful site; making a place for personal growth out of a former centre for the war machine is a step in the right direction!



“What has war taught us?” is the question in 12 day journal #192.

This question is dedicated to my wonderful, quirky, and ever so alpha husband Chris, I love you sweet man.

Day 11 Committed To Self- Tired

I am flying home from school today. The weekend has been incredibly intense, I feel like a I need to sleep for a week. That is not going to happen though. I am going home to unpack the house, then leave on Wednesday for Port Townsend, Washington, to go dance Soul Motion.

With all the amazing experience there is so much to write about, art installations, passionate conversation, environmental work (going out into the community and doing improvised movement based on a score set before hand) in both a city setting and by the raging ocean. There was barely a moment where some amazing thing didn’t happen!

...and I am tired, and while not uninspired, certainly feeling a little numb. I don’t have a lot for you right now. In an effort to make this entry worth reading here is a excerpt from what I wrote this weekend. Perhaps if I get my stuff together I will also get a picture from Ue to add before I submit this.

“Oh we never do that!” she said.

I now realize, many months later, that what I saw was wistfulness. Wistful for what I wonder, fresh perspective alive and banging at the door. It was not judgement of me as I had imagined, but a soft silent plea for the days of bliss and ease. I am instantly convinced that the memories of those days bring such a strong desire for return that they are what is making her smaller and smaller, and in a pathetic sort of way, ever hopeful.“

I wrote this on a collage I made, a depiction of my ideal self as a facilitator, one that turned out to be about framing and reframing. I burnt the collage on Diwali, sent my intentions up the chimney, after I ripped off this writing that is, I have a harder time letting go of creative writing than visual art. This piece came from one glance into the eye of a man I don’t know very well, with the glance I created a story, and wrote this little snippet. I was thinking of starting a novel when I am finished with this project. Seems like such a mountain to climb though...a book, a WHOLE book!

”If you wrote a book what would it be about?“ is the question in 12 days journal #189

Day 12 Walkabout- Set My Soul in Motion

I am on hold with the Esalen reservations office. I am calling to cancel my reservation for the Vinn Marti Soul Motion workshop which begins on September 25th. I have known for a while now that I am no longer going to dance at Esalen with my tribe, I just couldn’t make the phone call before now because I don't want it to be true. I want to go, I also want to go home and celebrate my Lily’s 11th birthday. Recently Lily expressed to me how important it was that I be with her on her birthday. It happens to fall right between the workshop and my monthly classes at Tamalpa. Since returning to Canada, then turning around and flying back to California is not an option due to finances and logistics, I had to make a choice.

For the last two years I have danced with Vinn, each September, on the magical land of the Essalen people. I discovered Soul Motion within weeks of Chris’ accident, and I KNOW it was a gift sent to me from God, to help me dance my way through his injury and into my new life with grace. I am grateful beyond expression for Soul Motion, for all the family it has brought me, for all the lessons and joys.

Rachel and James, who are upstairs talking when the are SUPPOSE to be napping, are part of the tribe. I met James first, he introduced me to Rachel...a womyn who is frequently mistaken as my sister. We have had a bit of a funny relationship, intense at times. We live thousands of miles away from one another and yet here I am, in their living room, being given the honour of being present at the birth of the baby who will make them both parents for the first time.

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(My first time at Esalen, my first time dancing Soul Motion, my first time for so many things)

Rachel and James are not the only friends who I have become very close to through the dance. I met Jeremy, my first ever long term lover since I was married over 12 years ago, on the floor, in the dance dome on the Big Sur Coast line. I remember the first time he danced past me, his fleece neck warmer making him look a little like a turtle emerging from his shell, and emerge he did. This September will be the 1 year anniversary of our meeting, sadly it will not be marked by an anniversary dance in the dome. He has promised to take along the magic mushroom I felted for him and put it on the altar. If any of you reading this see it, please pick me up and dance with me round the room. I would be so very grateful.

There are so many more I have met, Aletia, JJ, Tory, Hollie, Josie, Phillip, Lamara, Shems, Katie, Elizabeth, Zuza, Walter, Mara, Jenz, Kincade, Jovinna, Lance and and AND...so many more I want to name, but I want to go see the beach before this baby is born, so instead I am going to go for a walk. I have a feeling that I will cry a little when I see the Pacific; imagine that just a hundred miles up the coast the tubs, lodge and dance dome are waiting for the dancers to arrive on the 25th. I will imagine you all sitting on the deck, long glass tables filled with abundant food grown by Tareck and Benjamin et el. I will imagine the fascinating conversations, the laughter, the luxury of only having to decide where to sit and when to go tubbing. I will imagine the floor of the big marshmallow dance dome, bodies strewn in warm up positions of 50 different kinds. I will imagine Vinn's voice, a whisper through the mic and over the speaker, repeating words that speak of presence and acceptance and “begin again”. I imagine this scene as I have witnessed it dozens of times, each time the same, each time different. I imagine all of this without me there. It makes me sad, it makes me ecstatic, it makes me all the things that exist between these two.

I will see you all in January. I love you

“Was there a time when you had to choose between two things that you cared deeply about?” is the question in 12 days journal #153

Day 3 Community Support- Dance Ugly

As I spiralled round the room this morning, eyes wide open behind closed lids, I thought about how much I appreciate having this safe space to “dance ugly and drool”. I first heard this saying in the dance dome at Esalen. Actually it is where I first read it. I womyn from Boulder, Colorado had knit a whole string of prayer flags pulling inspiration from her Soul Motion practice. The one that caught my eye had this mantra knit into the pattern, one that kept rolling round my brain while I danced my 5 Rhythms practice this morning. “Dance ugly and drool”.

I love dance, nearly all forms of dance. I believe every sort has it’s very own window to the answers beyond. I love to dance like I did yesterday at the May festival, fully conscious of the flow between musician and dancer. Feeding the band my energy , that they in-turn feed into the music which feeds me back, a wonderfully symbiotic relationship. One where I am dancing with my attention focused outwardly, fully present to the crowd, my fellow dancers and musicians, part of the creation of an inclusive environment of celebration. I love to dance at night clubs too. I find my spot on the floor early, enjoying the wide open space which will soon be filled with sweaty bodies. Club music here in Nelson is often a blend of live musicians and dj’s. I make a game of finding all the different lines within the music, gliding between being driven by the beat to snaking round a melody. In both of these dancing situations I feel a need, for the most part, to stick to my “look good”. Certainly in a night club atmosphere there are social morays, I don’t HAVE to adhere to them, but it does make my life easier. If I were to end up laying flat on the floor in the middle of the Spirit Bar, shaking my legs in the air, concentrating on keeping my jaw relaxed by letting out a long slow tone, well management would likely send over a door man to escort me off the floor, assuming I had had too much of.... SOMETHING. But this morning in 5 Rhythms this is exactly how I moved, and no one blinked an eye. More to the point it is in no way out of the ordinary. Being able to hold a space where movers can do pretty much anything, where they are not questioned, mocked or ridiculed, this is talent. Maryanne, our local 5 Rhythms guru, has this ability. She is soft spoken, somewhat shy, and understated. So much so she doesn’t have a single page online that I can link to to showcase her work. Yet she can move with wild abandon and encourage us to do the same. She has led the 5 Rhythms here in Nelson for a very long time, with a dedicated following. She danced in New York with Gabrielle Roth, the Diva creator of the 5 Rhythms. I have never spoken with Maryanne in depth about these times. I am not sure how long she danced with Gabrielle, or in what capacity. I do know she danced with Vinn Marti the creator of the Soul Motion movement practice, the work I am presently studying. I also know she is able to seamlessly hold a sacred movement practice for her students. One of the things I know I am meant to do in this lifetime. I am so blessed to have elders to show me the way. I imagine I might have to duck if I were to tell her this face to face! Maryanne is beautiful, young and feisty! By elder I mean that Mary-Anne and Vinn are wise and strong, that they walked the path, step after step even when they were weary. They continued to follow what it was they somehow knew they were mean to do in this life. In a brilliant moment of synchronicity Maryanne spoke aloud the “Dance ugly and drool” mantra long after I had been pondering its wisdom. We were flailing around in chaos, jaws open, hair flying. I didn’t occur to me earlier that she would know this mantra. Somehow she always knows what to say.

I used 12 days journal #36 during the movement practice to write down some lyrics that grabbed me. Something like “I want to talk to God but I am scared cause I ain’t spoken with him for so long”. I know this fear. I wrote these lyrics in the journal because it was the only thing I had to write in, but later it was clear this was by design . The question “How did you know what things you were meant to do in your life?” came to me later while I was dancing. For me the answer is to follow the voice of God. That might seem like a pretty hefty statement, but it is simple really. We are all connected to the source, we have many different names for this source. After years of resistance I took to calling this source God...simple enough. The way it works for me is I just listen to my heart. I love my fear and know it is there to protect me, but I quiet it down so I can only hear my heart voice. This voice, that I often find it when I am dancing, NEVER leads me astray. This voice tells me the things I am meant to do with this life. Leading movement is one of those things. Raising my babies with love, boundaries and a commitment to communication is one of those things. Loving with a wide open heart is one of those things. Writing this blog, committing to this experiment, sending out journals into the world is one of those things. I don’t know what all of that makes me, but that is OK. God knows, and that is good enough for me.

I had left the journal on the counter at the studio in my haste to get back to dancing. A friend from class picked it up and then agreed to take it. If you read this I want you to know how much I loved dancing with your feet today, I felt the connection. And I want to say, sister to sister, all hippy languaging aside, that you are an inspiration, someone I am honoured to know. I love you.

Day 4 Open Heart Letter- Self doubt Sundays

What is it about Sundays? Most often Sunday is the day I am unusually riddled with self doubt. This morning I had thoughts of “Why am I doing this experiment? No one will read this blog! It is silly” These thoughts are fleeting and I know enough about the Loki nature of my mind to not believe self deprecating stories, especially those told to me on Sundays. So why do I experience these self doubt Sundays? Is it because of my history? As a kid they meant a new week of school. School was hard for me, I was little, had a funny name, was one of the youngest, this recipe made for a fair amount of bullying. Is this why? Or perhaps it was my history as an adult? Chris worked most weekends, when other families were together, we were apart. Could this be it? Or is it something else? Perhaps Karmic? Maybe in a former life I was executed on a Sunday for some horrible crime I committed. Maybe this life time I am paying that debt? Perhaps the weekly debit from my karmic account is withdrawn on Sundays? Or maybe it is a collective thing? In our culture a large number of people consider today to be the day of the week set aside to honour the sacred. I love the idea of this, I would love to celebrate with my community in a way that feels sacred for me on Sundays. When I travel to California, something I do monthly, I am blessed to spend the odd Sunday whirling round a room in silent prayer. We dance for about 2 hours together, in reverent communion. This is my spiritual practice. Here where I live most often this does not exist. Perhaps I am confusing a lack of connection to the divine, to my community, with self doubt. Maybe it is not self doubt at all, but merely that Sunday is a day I need more than self. Since I have always lived in a culture where Sunday is the Sabbath, perhaps it is deep ingrained in my psyche that today is the day to gather and give/recieve strength to/from my community to rejuvenate my sense of self?It is my goal to start a Sunday Dance church here, inspired by the work of the amazing visionary who created Soul Motion. I am asked often by people in my community “WHEN?!”. I am not sure. And today of all days is not a good day for me to ponder too deeply why I have yet to create this event. I feel I still have work to do before I can do justice to the awesome responsibility of holding sacred space. I believe I will know when that time comes, and I figure it will probably happen on a Monday.

I will be writing today to the friend and Teacher who is my inspiration for creating a Sunday Dance Church. He inspires me to create a safe haven for those who feel they don’t have a place they belong when the church bells ring out. A place to commune in a way that celebrates and honours the divine, using our bodies as our prayer wheel. A place to walk into the room with self doubts, or any other of a myriad of emotions, let them loose on the dance floor and trust whatever personal journey results. Surrounded by a community who are doing the same. A place to be “alone together”.

“Do you have a dream that you are working towards?”, is the question being sent out into the world in 12 days journal # 13. It will be send off today to my friend who lives in Portland, Oregon. Which is perfect because it just so happen that Sunday in his FAVOURITE day!