Day 11 Just Breathe- Worst Case Scenario

I read something comforting today. I found it in the book, Why Can’t I Just Be Happy, by Rolf Nabb. I found the book on the net, by using the search words “Worst case scenario thinking”. Google books allowed me to read 7 pages of the book. From these 7 pages I learn that highly intelligent people often fall victim to something he calls the “unhappiness of the overly analytical” AKA “worst case scenario thinking”. Apparently intelligent folks ability to be creative, to look at things from many angles, can have a darker side, those many angles can becoming overwhelming and tangled, leaving the thinker feeling frayed. I seek solace in knowing that I get to cushion my ego a little when owning my “worst case scenario thinking” with the “highly intelligent” moniker. Perhaps I will get a button saying so, put it on my jacket. This way when I am walking down the street, tear stained and confused, all around will know I am not loosing my marbles, I am merely highly intelligent and susceptible to grandiose thought. Really it is all in how you package things.



While I do not buy that my weight loss and stress level are as a result of “worst case scenario thinking”, I do acknowledge that I engage in it, and that when I do, I feel worse. I admit that when I am not doing well physically, haven’t been eating or sleeping enough, my thinking can border on paranoid. The book talks about “worst case scenario thinking” being a tool learned as children to buffer us from disappointment which can be so overwhelming for kids. In adulthood though it can become a habit, “sucking the joy” from situations. Damn my uber intelligence!

So the first step is awareness.. Ok got it, I SOMETIMES have the tendency to look at the “worst case scenario”. With awareness comes the ability to over analyse myself when I engage in this behaviour...wait that is what got me here in the first place. How about having awareness and then rather than going into thinking about it or judging it, I will use my creative highly intelligent nature to dream up a best case scenario, or even a probable case scenario? So this is my intention, to lay down some new patterns and alleviate the stress of dreaming up impending doom trusting it will help me in many ways. And so it is!

“What patterns do you have that you think it is time to change?” is the question in 12 days journal #237

Day 10 Just Breathe- Dance Differently

This video is for ANYONE who claims they “can’t dance”.

There is a Zimbabwean proverb that goes

“If you can walk you can dance; if you can talk you can sing”

This guy is pushing boundaries, living big and accepting what is with grace and passion. Remember him next time the “I can’t....” emerges.

This one is for you Steve...love you brother.



“What can’t you do?” is the question in 12 days journal #236

Day 9 Just Breathe- Blankie

“Your love
Should never be offered
to the mouth of a Stranger,
Only to someone
Who has the valor and daring
To cut pieces of their soul off with a knife
Then weave them into a blanket
To protect you.
~ Hafiz”

I think I will give a copy of this to each of my daughters; this is how I want them to be loved, how I want them to want themselves to be loved.

“How do you want to love and be loved?” is the question in 12 days journal #235

Day 8 Just Breathe- The Baby has a Name!

So today I decided I needed another blog, this one wasn’t quite enough.

My name is Bernice and I am a blog addict.

The new blog is actually not just mine, it is a blog for Michael, me and our studio, which is called...
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.....wait for it.
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I am not going to give you the internet address to the blog yet, we are still ironing the virtual edges, but it is out there in internet land I assure you. We also have new facebook group for the studio so we can send out events and news. Ah facebook, the networking tool of our times!

Here is the link if you are interested in joining.

Things are humming along, thank goodness I am committed to breathing.

“What major change have you made in your life recently?” is the question which lives in the front cover of 12 days journal #234

Day 7 Just Breathe- Children of God

It is hard for me to believe I am going to put a Martina McBride song on my blog, but I am.

My friend Ruthie sent this to me, three times I think. Ruthie is one of those life time kinda friends. We could not speak for years and I know I would be welcomed, no questions asked, into open arms if I needed her. Our spiritual paths are seemingly opposing, our politics very different, we live in completely different communities, in most every way we do things differently from one another...And none of this matters, she is a sister, and a friend for life.

And so for you Ruthie here is Martina McBride’s, Anyway, the song you have dedicated to me, have sent to inspire me. I know it took you three times to get it through my head, and thank you for your persistence. I love you with all my heart. Most of all I want you to know am so very inspired by your commitment to God, your faith and your trust. As always I believe any difference in how we see God is purely semantical and culturally influenced. That we are both children of the same loving, accepting God...but you knew that already didn’t you?



“Do you remember a time when you were grateful for a friends support?“ is the question in 12 days journal #233

Day 6 Just Breathe- No Contact

I don’t know what to write about. Anything authentic is either too personal to share or too hard to take back should I feel differently in an hour, which judging by how I have felt most of today, is very likely. If I let myself think about things too much I decide there is no answer, no solution. So today I tried really hard to be busy, not think too much, take care of the things which thankfully need taking care of.

Recently I made a decision that I had to make getting well my priority, I took steps, but I don’t know if they are making things better or worse!

I went to contact improv tonight, I spent a lot of the time at the back of the room “stretching”, which is a very common thing people do when they don’t want to more into contact with others, or are nervous about it. I didn’t want to touch anyone, the dynamics in the room were funky, or at least I imagined they were. Not only that I am embarrassed by my bony body, when I roll over people my bones stick into them. Finally a friend came and touched my foot. I took the bait. I had a beautiful dance with him. We are connected by some common circumstances at the moment, dancing with him was my way of expressing gratitude and accepting comfort all without words. I left after that one dance, again to deal with “dynamics”. I didn’t want to leave with the entire group, sit around talking afterwards and have them notice the awkwardness of things. I was grateful to have had that one dance though, one body to roll around with, a body that was tender and kind.

Right now I just want to cuddle up with “tender” and “kind” and drift off to sleep, be held all night without worrying what dynamics the morning will bring. I am tired of having all this stress in my life. This stress is what is causing all this pain and weakness in my body, I want out from under it, and I have no idea how to do that, too many “dynamics” involved.



“How has stress effected your life?” is the question in 12 days journal #232

Day 5 Just Breathe- Womyn from Florida

Back in October I wrote an entry which expressed my gratitude for a “womyn from Florida” whom I danced with at the Madrona BodyMind Institute. Later I wrote a peice for the Soul Motion newsletter and included the internet address of this blog. I got the following email today from the “womyn from florida” , she received the newsletter and followed my byline here to the 12 days 2 inspire blog.

Dear Bernice,

Thank you for sharing your journey in 12days2inspire. I didn't get it until the Soul Motion Newsletter arrived. I started reading your entries and was so touched that our meeting at MMI resonated with you.

I thought I would share my story of the workshop with you. I am a Nia teacher and my love is to create a space for people to discover their own dance and to love it. This summer I was diagnosed with stage 2 malignant melanoma. It was a life changing time as I did not know what the rest of my life would look like. Thank goodness it had not spread, however the surgery was so invasive and the loss of control so frightening, I literally felt that I no longer was in my body. I did not know if I could still dance. I certainly did not feel I could hold the space or High watch for anyone.

One day I came home and my husband said - don't kill me but I called Aletia and booked Vinn's workshop for you. What a gift it turned out to be. The weekend was magical - on Saturday Vinn walked into the room and said I am going to show you how to get into your bodies - he read from A Gift From the Sea - I had brought him a shell as a gift and on and on it went. (yes I love to collect shells) I felt overwhelmed by the warmth and love that surrounded me.

Your part - when you grabbed my hand at the edge of the witness circle and we danced around it together!

The rest of the week was wonderful as well - stayed with good friends in Seattle, connected with womyn I danced with long ago and connected with family and a friend dying of brain cancer. I was able to be open to all of it. It is still resonating within my being.

Now I haven't seen you on your blog in 3 days. The mother in me is concerned. In my heart I know your are well. You have inspired me to start my own 12days2inspire for at least 12 days lol!

I love you so....

This letter was just what I needed today, to remind me of who I am, why I am enough, perfectly me. That I make a difference in positive ways, that I have grown so much, and continue to do so, that there is no need for me to go any faster than I am. It also helped to kick my butt into taking care of myself and not ignore the obvious, that which I have a feeling others around me see and are not telling me. Tell me the truth of what you see, let this be your gift to me.

“What is the greatest gift you have been given?” is the question in 12 days journal #231

Day 4 Just Breathe- Love Like That...

If It Is Not Too Dark

Go for a walk, if it is not too dark.
Get some fresh air, try to smile.
Say something kind
To a safe-looking stranger, if one happens by.

Always exercise your heart's knowing.

You might as well attempt something real
Along this path:

Take your spouse or lover into your arms
The way you did when you first met.
Let tenderness pour from your eyes
The way the Sun gazes warmly on the earth.

Play a game with some children.
Extend yourself to a friend.
Sing a few ribald songs to your pets and plants -
Why not let them get drunk and wild!

Let's toast
Every rung we've climbed on Evolution's ladder.
Whisper, "I love you! I love you!"
To the whole mad world.

Let's stop reading about God -
We will never understand Him.

Jump to your feet, wave your fists,
Threaten and warn the whole Universe

That your heart can no longer live
Without real love!

-Hafiz”

My heart only wants to live with REAL love,

REAL reciprocation,

real willingness,

REAL caring,

shared decision making,

real respect,

and REAL empathy.

“What is some of you favorite poetry?” is the question in 12 days journal #230. I am really excited to read both the journal AND the comments that get left here on the journal, oh how I love poetry.

Day 3 Just Breathe- Jus Dance

I put together the music for Jus Dance tonight. It was wonderful to see so many dancing, smiling, shaking to a musical tapestry of my making. I tasted my calling, it was delicious.

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The other side of this dirty coin is that putting together the playlist set off a series of events which took away my “full spectrum”. How do you know when to say “Uncle”?

Uncle.

“How do you know when to walk away?” is the question in 12 days journal #229

Day 2 Just Breathe- Baby

“Baby, I don't understand
Why we can't just hold on to each other's hands.

This time might be the last, I fear
Unless I make it all too clear
I need your soul.

Take these broken wings
And learn to fly again, learn to live so free.
When we hear the voices sing
The book of love will open up and let us in.

Take these broken wings.

Baby, I think tonight
We can take what was wrong and make it right.
Baby, it's all I know
That you're half of the flesh and blood makes me whole.
I need your soul

~Mr. Mister”

“What gets in the way of your happiness?” is the question in 12 days journal #228

Day 1 Just Breathe- Jerk and Dancing babies

God...sometimes I am so blind to the interior of my own cocoon, my drama and antics, that I nauseate myself. I would tell you details, and they are juicy, especially when I spin them up right and stack the story in my favour, but to be honest it is as simple as...I was a jerk. I had reasons sure...but how many acts too terrible to even think about are justified just the same way? Maybe all terrible things done in the world are justified this way. Ugh...

I trust it all...I WANT to take it back, but I know to trust it, that whatever the consequence, it is necessary for me to “get it”. Fuck being human is hard.

Being human is also wonderful, sweet and such a wild ride. Which is a good thing, because judging by my behaviour yesterday I will remain human a lot longer. I still have work to do before enlightenment catapults me out of being human....sigh.

Ok to make this entry a little more up beat, I want to dedicate this video to my Lily Rain. The cooler than cool 11 year old who went and skinned a deer with her dad yesterday, then brought the hide (sp?) home to make an alter cloth. This is for you kid.

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“What triggers you?” is the question in 12 days journal #227

Latest Commitment! Just Breathe

Is the world speeding up everywhere or just in the crazy Nelson vortex? My newest commitment is so simple and so necessary, it is to simply breathe. Of course I do it all day long, but often not very effectively or mindfully. There is not a lot of room for the extraneous in my life at the moment, two long term commitments, a new intense friendship, 3 glorious and busy children, this blog, healing, and cultivating joy, ease and fun. I barely have room to breathe...which is why I am committing to Just breathe.

I commit to be mindful of my breathing for the next 12 days, to use it as a resource when feeling strong emotion, to cultivate better breathing habits, and for my health! I promise I will always breathe while writing my entries which means I will do better with this commitment than I have been with my others lately.

I don’t usually put video’s into my “Latest commitment” entries, but given how much this guy has sung to me while I write, it seems appropriate. Enjoy the transportive voice of Alexi Murdoch in his song...Breathe.