Day 9 On Time- A Man with Heart

Tonight, after a day filled with rehearsals and 2nd day of spring doldrums, I sat staring into my wood stove, building a fire. I watched flames dance on fractured logs as they resisted surrender . Pangs of sadness pulled when I thought about springs progression and how this means this stove would soon sit empty. It is unused for anything other than clutter in our blazing hot Nelson summers. I SO love having fire in my house, I miss it all summer long. I suppose this is the trade off for being able to swim outside in glacial lakes. Nelson is a truly amazing place to live. Life here is so filled experience and connection. I spent last night with friends celebrating equinox. We sat in circle, danced, shared a feast, did ceremony and the best part was it evolved completely organically. Living in Nelson makes it easy to see God in everything.

I was sent this video by someone I love very much, he knew how much it would mean to me. The man in the video one of my Guru’s. He would DETEST being called one so I won’t tell him, I will tell you instead. And while I love singing with him, it is not his voice that makes him someone I honour, it is his big Bhakti heart.

Jai Uttal "Babies for Bhakti" from Omega Institute on Vimeo.

“Who has influenced your work?” is the question in 12 days journal #343

Day 1 Gift of Presence- Ordinary Miracles

Today I saw Jahan Khalighi. No word of a lie, I know it seems too crazy to be true. He showed up at the studio and watched us dance, waiting for the space to open up for some sort of drumming event. He played downstairs while we got ready to free up the space for him and a friend. I am in awe of the alignment of the universe. I mean I know it happens all the time, I imagine you have experienced it too, the thinking about someone and then them showing up thing. It is actually quite ordinary, still seems amazing to me each and every time though. The ordinary things quite often seem to be the most miraculous.

My gift of presence today was singing and being completely present with my lovely friend K.D and with Jai Uttal. We went to sing Kirtan with him at Open Secret in San Rafael. When he came out to play he asked what I was doing there, something he asks each and every time I am in the audience. I always answer the same thing, “I came to sing with you Jai.” I love this little ritual, love being seen and appreciated by a man who made a huge difference at one of the hardest times in my life. In 5 days it will be exactly 3 years ago that my father in law died. Quite possible it was EXACTLY 3 years ago today that I walked into a rock and gem shop to buy sage for the inevitable funeral and heard Jai’s voice, he was speaking about LOVE. His words touched me deeply, I begged to buy the store copy of the CD, the only one they had left, and listened to his invocation over and over again, it gave me the strength the get through the loss my children's grandfather, my husbands father, my mother in laws husband of over 30 years, and of a man who for 14 years was a father to me. I met Jai 6 months later, just weeks after Chris’ accident. He was delightful and humble, a bhakti King. We formed a bond and now 2 1/2 years later I feel so blessed to be able to give him the gift of my voice, dance and presence, responding to his call in the Kirtan with love and devotion for God.

Today was a very good day indeed, and I got to share it with a couple members of my chosen family; Jai, and Krishna Devita...I love you both very much.

“Is there someone who came into you life when you were struggling who helped you through it?” is the question in 12 days journal #251

Day 11 Visual Creation- Bhakti Shakti

Bye bye Ashram. 

I still can not decide whether I liked being at the Ashram or not. It is a peculiar thing, I WANT to like it, the place just seemed so solemn, rigid, cold. This is not to say that there were not lovely people there, I was treated very well, cared for even. Still I can’t shake the idea that people were not being themselves.

Swami Sivananda Radha Saraswati, the founder of Yasodhara  and creator of many teaching centres (Radha Yoga Centres) in North America, Mexico and England, has such a fascinating story. She was a dancer, eventually through her devotion to Swami Sivananda of Rishikesh she came to see dance as a way to celebrate and devote oneself to the divine. There is singing everyday at the temple which is such an amazing sanctuary to sing in. Yet the Satsangs were morose, just as a mantra was about to begin to rock out, it would end. I sang, and put my hands in the air, felt the pull to move to the back and dance, but I got the feeling this was not acceptable. I did not see any dancing while I was there, well except for my own reflection in my bedroom window when I was bustin' a move to the Ghost Brother version of Hare Krishna. How could the work of this womyn, who had so much Kali fire, have become so mundane? This temple, devoted in so many ways to the Goddess, seems to be so lacking in femininity.

I know I was only there for three days, it is coming on winter and things are at their sleepiest. Perhaps if I show up in the Spring I will find what it is I crave: a spiritual community which accepts and celebrates all aspects of the Divine and focuses on the feminine, from the nurturing of Gaia to destructive nature of Kali. Perhaps  the mantra’s will last longer, allowing us all to really make it cellular. Maybe the Swami playing the harmonium will smile and make eye contact, and I will dance with wild abandon, devoted to all. Maybe this spring Shakti Bhakti will flow. This would make me very happy. 

"The main thing I try to do is have my students bring quality into their lives. To me, people are not spiritual if this quality is not there in their lives-even if they meditate six hours a day. By quality I mean that which comes from deep inside and shows up in their actions, their treatment of others and the way they do their jobs.
~ Swami Sivananda Radha Saraswati“

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   ”What qualities of the feminine do you identify within yourself?“ is the question in 12 days journal #225

Day 8 Committed To Self- Devotion

I am feeling a little sheepish to admit I have never really read any Osho. Seems a staunch new ager like myself, really should have dedicated some time to this Indian mystic and spiritual teacher, luckily I no longer believe in “should”. It is only 9:30 in the morning and I am already making confessions. I might as well keep them coming.

Sexuality is a very important form of spiritual expression for me. Bhakti, active involvement in Divine worship, is the stream of yoga which I resonate with most, the one which comes naturally. I consider lovemaking to be Bhakti, sex can be the ultimate act of devotion to God. I feel more connected during lovemaking than I do participating in any other form of worship, even singing and dancing, which says a lot! I have waded through some Tantric readings, and am usually left with a feeling of befuddlement, the rules and information often seem contradictory, out of alignment with my experience. Reading for knowledge and understanding has long been a struggle for me, I am much more of a hands on sort of womyn, I learn by doing. In this case doing “it” is how I have come to understand God, and perhaps some form of Tantra. When I make love I hear things, understand things, come to know things, I suppose it could be called channelling. I become aware of what works to bring me closer and what makes the Divine harder to reach. In this way I have navigated my way towards an ability to orgasm repeatedly, in varied ways. My connection is such that I have had an orgasm from hearing poetry read, inhaling my partners breath, thinking of my partner,or simply being touched through clothing, to name just a few of my glorious experiences. To be clear orgasm is in not the destination, lovemaking is the point of love making, paradoxically though keeping this intention seems to increase the orgasms. They certainly are a delicious perk, one which I believe opens a portal, to what I don’t know, but I know it is God.

Lately I have stumbled across a lot of ideas about sexuality which I resonate with. Michael is reading The Passionate Marriage,by David Schnarch, he has been reading me bits and pieces from its pages. What he reads to me is often information I already know, I don’t know how I know it, I just do. Like the idea that having an orgasm with my eyes open, looking with full reveal into my partners eyes can bring ecstasy and connection from allowing myself to be completely seen and that this will flow over into the rest of my relationship, allowing me to find healing through lovemaking. I knew this without knowing I knew it, something that David himself says is rare, and wonderful for those of us who are blessed to have found it.

This morning I was sent this quote of Osho’s by my friend KD:

“People are against me because I'm telling people how to love. I'm telling people how to love so deeply that love itself becomes your religion - that your woman one day disappears and you find God there; that your man one day disappears and you find God there; that one day, in deep communion, in deep orgasmic experience, in that ecstasy, for a moment you both disappear and there is only God and nothing else.

You have been taught down the ages to be against sex and that has made you very sexual. That's what has happened to the whole humanity: repressed sex has become the obsession.

People think I am teaching sexuality? I am teaching transcendence.



Remember, there is no need to be afraid of women, no need to be afraid of men. We are all alike, the same God. We have to learn how to love each other. We have to come closer to each other because that is the only way to come close to God. Love is one of the greatest doors to God, just as awareness is another. I teach you both: a loving awareness, a conscious love. And with this you will become integrated, you will attain individuation. - Osho”

Never were truer words spoken.

These words of Osho’s describe how I make love; knowing that my partner IS God, IS me, that WE are a beautiful manifestation of God, of ALL, in a glorious act of devotion. I have been asked what my secret is, how I do what I do in the act of making love, how I find such ecstasy. My secret is, Bhakti. A secret I want to share, have it be a secret no more, that making love with complete devotion is how I have attained glorious fulfillment within my soul, spirit, mind and body. Some others may have found this through toys, techniques, positions, rules, and I am so happy for anyone who is satisfied and fulfilled. I choose transcendence instead.

There is still plenty left to learn, I certainly don’t have all the answers, which is delightful and exciting! I am committed to fully accepting my sexuality and supporting others to do the same. I know that this is part of my calling, my reason for being here this time around.

My God, I can’t believe I am going to submit this, I am blushing at the idea. Truth, truth, and more truth...this is what I am here to do.....(clicking “Send to Blog” on my MacJournal blog program)

ACK!

“How do you believe a person attains sexual fulfillment?” is the question in 12 days journal #186. I can’t wait for this one to return.