Day 12 Listen- Samhain

Samhain, is the time of year when the veil is the thinnest between the living and the non living, between us and those who have come before, and those who have yet to come, if there is in fact a difference. It is a time to honour our ancestors, past and future. We give thanks to the generations of shoulders we have stood upon, and prepare our own to be mounted by those who will take what we have done, learned, and dreamed, and decide for themselves where to go with it all.



Halloween as we culturally know it, the eve of the Holy, has become a festival of costumes and candy. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE Halloween; an unrivalled festival of community and fun where without any emails or newsletters everyone knows just what to do. As soon as the sun goes down the festivities begin, all the kids (and those adults lucky enough to have kids) must do is walk out their front door, go find someone else's and sing “Trick or Treat!”. My kids sing other songs too, ones learned from me, from school, from friends. They spend hours traipsing from door to door and, every year it seems, announce to me at the end of the night that “Halloween is the best day of the year!” Yes I do love Halloween, but it doesn’t really resemble Samhain any more.

Usually we celebrate Samhain on November 1st, which technically is still a holy day, until the sun goes down. (Pagan festivals run sun down to sun down). I have to tell you though, things are not looking good. I am feverish again, shaky and uber tired. I admit, I ate some candy, terrible for the immune system. I have a feeling tomorrow I will pay the price. If I am sick, there will be no official celebration of the ancestors this year.Ugh.

“How do you honour your ancestors?” is the question in 12 days journal #202

Day 11 Listen- Easy Peasy

My fever finally broke today. After much tea, toast and tenderness from so many members of my family, I was finally able to venture out of my house...ok I know I was only home bound for a day but it really was terrific to get out! I had no expectations, I wanted to drink a coffee, and get some expectorant tea. With no expectations or check list to adhere to I just sort of floated. First down with Michael to Oso Negro, then visited with Kim and Sage. Chris came by and picked me up so we could go get Rose from school and kiss Lily before horseback riding. Chris, Rosy and I went for spaetzle, then walked down to buy my tea. We stopped in a Jill’s shop to show her Rosy’s Halloween costume, and got a yummy surprise, Michael was there. Rose and he growled and hissed at each other, playing like they often do, I kissed him and Jilly Bean good bye, we made our way to Sidewinders to get tea. By this time I really needed to come home and sleep, while the fever is gone and I am on the mend, I know tomorrow is going to be a big day so I need to rest up...Halloween is NO day to be sick!

I got home, made tea, wrestled with the fire (wet wood teaches patience I continually tell myself) and am now sitting on the bed in the living room working, no not quite sleeping, but I am on a bed. Today was just one of those easy days...God I love easy days.

“If you could have a day to yourself to do whatever you wanted, what would it look like?” is the question in 12 days journal #201

Day 10 Listen- Pathetic

I haven’t got out of bed yet today, well except once to hug my girls and another time to make toast which my dog ate before I could. I am feeling a tad pathetic.

“How do you care for others?” is the question in 12 days journal #200 ...wow 200...I would have celebrated or come up with something pertinent if my body weren’t on fire and sweating out all my bodily fluids....I will do something fun for #250 promise.

Day 9 Listen- Goosebumps

Ugh...I am sick. We are driving home, an epic journey which, with very few stops, will take us 15 1/2 hours. I am so grateful to Michael that he is driving the whole way. My sacrum in on fire, I can’t stop shivering and my head is pounding. Considering how miserable a drive this could be, we have talked a lot, laughed a little, stopped to cuddle, making the best of a tough situation we are.

I always wondered what would happen if I got sick during this project, I haven’t been yet. Expect my entries to be pretty slim till I can type while sitting up for long periods of time.

“How do you like to be cared for?” is the question in 12 days journal #199

Day 8 Listen- Mending

Yesterday was rough day. Today things are mending, love is making its way back to the surface.

We are in Victoria, Michael's home town, or at least home-base for the last 8 years. The order of the day was to see as many friends, and soak up as much connection and love as possible.

We danced from 7pm till nearly 11pm then drove to the ferry terminal. We are catching the first ferry and then driving home to Nelson. Tomorrow is going to be a long day.

“When was the last time you spent the day with a friend? What did you do?” is the question in 12 days journal #198

Day 7 Listen- Same Old

Same old, same old....sigh. I won’t bore you with the details.

“What do you wish you could change?” is the question in 12 days journal #197

I am sure I have asked this one before...it is all I can come up with.

Day 6 Listen- Listening to the Mystic

I listened today. Not in a new way, I have listened this way before, but today was different. I let go of the embarrassment, the ideas, the worries about what others might think, let go of not trusting that they want me to shine.

“Let your beauty shine, the world needs it“. I was told this by a womyn from Florida, a womyn I have met before but do not remember her name. I love her so, she came to me today completely vulnerable, tears streaming, not because she wanted anything from me, but to tell me that she sees me, encouraged me to keep it up, the being me thing that I have going on. Why not? I am the only one I can be.

So this me, this imperfect, vulnerable, self judging me, danced with a boy named Sage today. The first time I noticed him in the room, I saw a boy with autism, he had curved his hands smooth, with holding and rubbing, hand over hand. His eyes saw what lay above us all but could not muster the connection right here...or so I thought, this was my idea about Sage. His father took him lovingly round the dance floor, so much love. It was palpable how much this man loved his son, I didn’t have to ask to know Sage was his son, it was right there on the surface. Sometime later after an experience in the dance where I tapped into a moment from my past, a moment of fear and reclamation, I found myself kneeling before Sage, my teacher. I imagine him a mystic, and asked him, with my body, with my heart, if he would teach me. I noticed that we were connected in movement, mine was big and measured, his smaller, subtle, yet there, along with mine, we moved in unison. He lowered his eyes, not quite to mine, but enough. He began to let go of the grip of hand holding hand, his arms began to rise up. Then spontaneous laughter, like music! We danced, and I listened, listened to his body with my body, and we connected in a rare way, a sweet rare beautiful way. What a gift, what a glorious gift.

I saw his father later, a ceramic artist with a gentle way. He thanked me, I thanked him. I didn’t see Sage again. I remember his eyes though, and his gentle soft hands, hand holding hand, in such a particular way. I wonder what it might be like to walk amongst this world as a mystic in the way that Sage is, to see the world through those eyes, through those hands.

The less I talk, the more I listen, I see, or perhaps hear the mystics, and I am so overjoyed that they are everywhere. Such beauty in this world, such beauty.

”Where do you see beauty in this world?“ is the question in 12 days journal #196

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(The Soul Motion Crew at this years Madrona MindBody Institute Vinn Marti Workshop, what an amazing group of beings! Picture Taken by David Conklin)

Day 5 Listen- I Am My Teacher

The pain of not being able to drop into the dance, while I know fleeting and easily forgotten, at the time feels like deep lonely isolation. If we were to be dancing the “alone together” dance it would be easier to take, the alone dance is easy to muster when I feel alone. Today though we are doing the “common union” dance, the ephemeral duet. I know that to feel it as tragic may seem self indulgent, a mountain out of a mole hill. I do have perspective. I know that by lunch, maybe even in a moment, after a hug, just the right words, a glance, this feeling of quiet sad desperation will abate and likely give way to a new delicious mood. This is why I write about it, to capture it, know it, bring it to the light so I can recognize it instantly, honour it, its connection to the string of times I have felt it before and will feel it again. A bead in the endless mala of moments. I write about it because it matters, alone times, sad times are not to be tucked away, ignored, gotten over, fixed. They are a part, they connect, they teach, hold wisdom and answers.

I sit before a room of 75, many with eyes closed, moving slowly, repetitively, expressively, God faces, God movements, tapping into the Divine. I sit. I write. I know this, what I am watching, felt it just yesterday, but today tapping it is a mystery. So i tap this instead, what you are reading . Something that just yesterday I couldn’t touch, I couldn’t tap.

Now the floor pounds, feet hit shiny wood, hips gyrate, arms flail, smiles of bliss everywhere. Still I sit and write, watching Vinn, my love, my Teacher as he moves and know him in a way that awkward conversation out side of this room will not allow. Am even resentful that writing this pen in hand means transcribing it to the computer later, as though this was his fault, as though my decision not to bring the computer into the witnessing circle is his decree, rather than simply what is necessary to capture this sacred space. I know this and I put the resentment elsewhere to hide that it is actually still just the pain of not tapping into the divine, my mind plays tricks. The resentment spreads, I want to dance! Feel the euphoric abandon, yet here I sit. Watching Michael now, how i love the way this man moves, hands strong, flexed at the wrist, taunt belly peeking from beneath his shirt, pink drawstring below. I wonder in another moment of magnified desperation if i will ever dance again.

Who? Who has loved with all their heart something, someone, and has not known this fear? This fear of what we love being lost to us? It is almost more than i can bare....

And yet i know that by the time you read this, what I am describing, this feeling of desperation and yearning, will be gone, transformed. This is why I write this, to capture this moment, one I believe so many have experienced, and maybe never shared, maybe out of embarrassment or fear. I want you to know, I have felt it too.

I pull out my “What i want” journal and write;

“I WANT TO DANCE”

Michael moves past me. Jade moves past me.
I watch many others, but still do not shake and quake, there is no impulse to follow.

I know the only way is to get up, start, and so this is what I am going to do.



I was going to leave it there, but it would have been incomplete, here is the rest:

I dance closed, trying to be open, hands over eyes, gaze turned down. Many tried to commune, I tried back. TRYING though is not the best recipe for ecstatic experience, it is paradoxical that the opposite is generally what brings ecstasy.

Up dances a sweaty smiling womyn of such beauty. She pushes up on her cheeks, to create a smile, an invitation. I smile. I hug her and say “thanks for noticing”. She tells me I am absolutely beautiful, open eyed, no walls, she let me in and told me she saw beauty. The ice is broken. Being seen is so powerful a thing. I spy Michael and know I can find connection there, something that has not always been easy for me with male partners here on the dance floor. I endure the slightly awkward beginning, accept the clumsiness of emerging from this shell. Then we click. His body listens to mine, mine to his. I feel safe.

I was not as connected in the dance this morning as I was yesterday. Exceptional experience becomes mundane if it inhabits the everyday. This wanting which I experience today is very much a part of the ecstatic, ecstatic foreplay. I know it will return, today was a reminder of its sweetness.

“Who do you consider to be your greatest Teachers in life?” is the question in 12 days journal #195


P.S. In the afternoon session I had one of the most ecstatic experiences I have had on or off the dance floor yet...so there you go.

Day 4 Listen- At a Loss

“Dancing in ever widening circles.”

“Concentrating on the shared space, the space between you and I.”

“Everyone one deserves....”

“As a dance community we will.....“

”Holding the high watch”

“Become cleaver at noticing“

”Come back, Come back, share what you have found“

Dancing with Vinn is a mystical experience, one that is hard to explain once I have left the room where the magic happens. I can remember snippets, feelings, quotes, but trying to convey exactly what went on in the room seems impossible. Especially when there is so little time to write and so many people I want to connect with.

Perhaps I will try again tomorrow.

”What do you contribute to your community?“ is the question in 12 days journal #194

Day 3 Listen- A Dancing We Will Go

8:40 AM- Woke up this morning by the side of the road near Spokane, Washington. I find this part of road tripping to be kind of eerie. I told Michael this morning that I kept imagining someone coming to tap on the car window, get us to move along. Time to get up!

10:42 AM- North Eastern Washington is a bit sparse. We couldn’t seem to find a locally owned, organic, wholesome delicious place for breakfast, so instead we hit the Starbucks and drank coffee, while cutting up avocados, spreading them on corn-cakes. Delicious. Michael and I eat very similarly, corn cakes have played a major role in our relationship. I am sitting typing as Michael reads. The girls behind the counter are speaking about Halloween and the Bible. We have had more than a few stares and questioning looks, we don’t exactly fit in here. I love this about road tripping, how in an hour the whole social climate can change, we will be in Seattle before long, the birthplace of this Starbucks, the town where I could sit here drinking coffee and still be supporting local entrepreneurship. A city where Michael and I can walk in decked out in hemp, feathers and funky shoes and go relatively unnoticed...relatively.

3:46 PM- We are on the Coast! Our car is filled with groceries for our workshop. Trader Joe's sells Organic Butter for 4.59 a pound...can you believe it? And our Canadian maple syrup is about half the price here. I know the cost difference is accounted for somewhere, perhaps in lower wages or unfair trade...I am weak, what can I say. I would go on about the cost of feeding a family of 6, but would only be justifying to myself so I will save you the reading. We sit here in a cafe doing the internet thing, we are somewhere in Seattle, not sure where, but google map will get us where we need to go.

4:20 PM- SHIT! We didn’t realize Port Townsend was still 2 hours away! We are now racing to make the workshop on time.

4:31 PM- DOUBLE SHIT! We just realized there is a ferry to take into consideration...man this ocean stuff is hard for a land locked girl like me!

6: 13 PM- TRIPLE SHIT! I was up on deck changing and putting on some make-up when the ferry docked. The Captain forgot to make an announcement, it was the womyn cleaning the bathroom who let me know the cars were already getting off. I ran like a bionic womyn to catch up with Michael, who was of course patiently waiting for me down the road with only some little funny remark. He accepts and loves my flakiness, this I love about him.

10:20 PM- Ahh... In our room after dancing with Vinn. Heaven. More Tomorrow.

“What do you struggle with while travelling?” is the question in 12 days journal #193

Day 1 Listen- Conception

Dance Church is something I have been promising the people of my community for a long time now. Getting it together always seemed like such a grand task, this is not to say I wasn’t going to do it, but I certainly was coming up with reasons to put things off. In walks Michael.

I have heard it said that the Ying Yang symbol is a depiction of the female energy carving out space for creation, that then there is room for masculine energy to move in, giving the space form. This describes how our Dance Church is being conceived. Today Michael made the radical suggestion that we get out a piece of paper and a pen and begin writing things down...I know...crazy!

We have attempted to talk about Dance Church before, and noticed pretty quickly that this project was near and dear to both of our hearts. As can often be the case when two people are passionate about the same thing, the sparks began to fly. This happened when something as seemingly simple as music began to hold a magnifying glass to the differences in our ideas. It became an off topic, which meant back burner for Dance Church.

The questions from the community never stopped though, people kept asking about the “dance thing we were going to start on Sundays”. “WHEN?” became the reoccurring question. We wondered too.

Today we sat down with the little moleskine notebook which had been slated to become 12 days journal #191 and instead wrote “DANCE CHURCH et el.” on the front cover, the last two words being added in one of the many silly and light hearted moments during our 2 hour long collaboration. We drew pictures, talked about dreams, ideas, and really listened with care and attention, knowing the other was revealing their heart.

And so while we do not have a date for you, we are hoping for sometime in November, near the end I believe. Wow, owning this makes it seem that much more real, soon I will be be in a studio with you all, sweating and rhythmically calling in our prayers. Divine.

“How do you pray/meditate/connect with the divine?” is the question in 12 days journal #191

Latest Committment! Listen More

Ok so in a nut shell...talk less, listen more. In this spirit of this I am going to keep this short.

I commit to talking less and listening more for the next 12 days. To let what I hear, and might not have without this commitment, inform my writings for the duration of the commitment.

Tell me what you think about that...I will listen :oP