Day I am not Sure

Wow...what a trip. I completely dropped out of computer land, I am not even doing emails. The project ended, I came out for my ,as per usual, long drawn out encore and even the "show after the show" ....then BAM!... I really got to feel what it was like to be at the end of the project.

"What I Have Learned; a check list."

-Damn did I need a break from the computer!!

-Damn was that hard! I had no idea until I was out of it for real how different I now was, that even my fingers are different from tying for so long. They are now distressed that I have stopped typing actually. I keep getting nerve pain in the hand I broke punching a wall shortly before I began this project. (long story)

-I learned that I am terrible when not engaged!! I fret so much over not being on track, or growing, or contributing (right now mostly financially which is killing me, damn do I want to make my own money!!!)

-That I want to do another blogging project and am struggling to come up with something that is lucrative, relatively stress free and growing from the success I gained of my own accord. I DID it! I built 12days2inspire.com on my own and I did really well, I want to build on this! I also know that I want the new project to mean me writing and doing art and dancing...yes dancing!!

-I learned that despite all the growth that the project and blog brought into my personal life, that I still have some old patterns which are stuck. I still struggle with how to see through the veils. I still have baggage and I still strive for perfection which I espouse to only "exist with flaws".... I learned that I am my own worst critic. obstacle, and disbeliever.

-I learned that I really do believe in myself...eventually. That believing in myself is not a finite destination but a journey where I still fuck up (the word fuck only used for literary emphasis). I learned that believing in myself means picking myself up, recommitting to myself and believing again. I believe in myself even when I don't, this is my practice, one of many.

-I learned that I have a very strong, varied and unorthodox practice that doesn't fit in a box or on a Soul Motion application form very well. I often have a difficult time explaining it, this makes it difficult to communicate. I also learned that even when I can't explain something it doesn't change that I know it, that it is my truth.

-I learned that I love my sisters, and that I love my brothers, and that ultimately what is left to learn for us here on this sweet beautiful planet is to GET ALONG!. Divine female, Divine male, regardless of sexual orientation or choices, womyn and men need to learn to get along. Sisters need to learn to get along, to not believe in scarcity of love, because we all know that what we have in common as sisters is how much we want love. And the brothers need to learn to get along so they can talk, understand each other, trust each other to trust the sisters to love each other, so we can honour our brothers. It's time.

Day 3 Visual Creation- Journal Check

Today I had to fudge my commitment a little. My visual art piece was done on a wood floor. The medium was wood filler. We are filling the cracks so that people can roll around, bare skinned on our beautiful old fir floor without the threat of slivers. I will take picture of the floor and post it here eventually, this will lend credibility to its visual art status.

I wanted to mention something about the 12 days journals. I have noticed a number of people are using the 12 days journals to jot down notes, shopping lists phone numbers, I just want to say...GOOD!! My friend Andreas was a little embarrassed when I saw that he had been using his 12 days journal for doodles and phone numbers. I want you all to know that I want the journals to come back filled with authenticity and wonder. I love whatever they are being used for. Please don’t feel embarrassed, I love you and your journal just as you are! The only thing that really matters is that they COME BACK TO ME!

PLEASE SEND YOUR JOURNALS HOME...when they are ready of course.

“Are there things in life that you use in ways other than their intended purpose?” is Michael Sheely’s question contribution, it lives inside 12 days journal #217. Perhaps another good question might have been “What do you constantly put off that you could take care of in the moment and be more comfortable in doing so?”, I will answer that one right after I go pee!

Day 7 Pulpit Rock- Journal in the flesh

The 12 days journals look like something like this. Though they are all slightly different. This is 12 days journal #6, in the flesh.

The front of the journals say:

This journal is part of a year long experiment which is recorded at:

www.12days2inspire.blogspot.com

If you feel inspired please participate in this journal. Then either leave it for others to do the same, take with you and leave it somewhere exotic (even if this is just two blocks away), give it to a friend, take it to a party, you decide. If it is full PLEASE send it to one of the addresses on the back of the journal.

How do you participate? Read inside the front cover, there will be a question. Write an answer, poem, song, story or draw a picture, anything that you are inspired to add.

When the journal comes home it will be entered into the blog. Remember the number of this journal (look at the top of the inside front cover) to make it easier to track your entry.

Hearing about journal sightings is always exciting, send an email to:

12days2inspire@gmail.com

Thank you for being an inspiration!

I use only Moleskine cahiers. They are durable, relatively inexpensive and I can write all over them to make them highly visible. They have WRITE IN ME! written on the front and the back, and have my email address 12days2inspire@gmail.com and blog address www.12days2inspire.blogspot.com on them a number of times as well. And most importantly they are cheap to mail back! They can be mailed for the cost of a letter if put inside an envelope. I know that sending a journal back costs you something. I really appreciate it, and so do many others. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!

Day 6 Pulpit Rock- How can I participate?

I want more than anything for people to feel inspired to participate in this experiment in whatever way they can. If you are reading this, you are participating! What you read here will in some way inform your actions, even if it is just to close your browser! There are many ways to participate, and plenty that I haven’t even thought of yet. Here are a few:

• Read the blog
• Subscribe to this blog,or become a follower (link in the right hand sidebar). Read it daily
• Leave comments please! You can search the journals by clicking on the tags at the bottom of the entries. If you feel inspired respond to one of the 12 days journal questions in the entry when it was released into the world.
• Send me emails! about anything! I want to hear from you.
• Commit to something for 12 days
• Commit to something for 12 months!
• Start you own blog!
• Start a journal of you own and answer the 12 days journal question everyday. I started doing this by answering in the journals just before sending them out....but I almost never write on the front page, just to be sneaky! Or answer in the comments section of an entry which contains the question you want to respond to.
• If you find a journal WRITE IN IT! Leave it for others to answer OR take it. Place it in a new location, take it to a party, fill the whole gosh darn thing up if you feel inspired to do so!
• Join my facebook group, I update the links section nearly everyday. Click here to go join!
• If you find a journal, PLEASE email me, I love to know my little journal babies are alive and well on their journey.
• Tell your people about this experiment, give them the www.12days2inspire.com link so they know where to find me.
• AND last but most definitely not least if you find a full journal. PLEASE mail it to one of the addresses on the back of the journal. I know this will cost you postage, I haven’t figured out a way to prepay the postage on them yet BUT they are very small and will mail for the price of a standard letter. If you have mailed one back, thank you so much, it means the world to me, and to others who are following this experiment.

The more participation, the more fun, the more inspiration, the more ripple effect we send into the world. Come play!

Day 4 Pulpit Rock- Logistics, anonymity, and entries.

I went up alone today. Well kind of, my thoughts and my dog kept me company. One was definitely quieter than the other. I was so deep in thought I reached the top without really noticing my progress. I found people I know from around town. The womyn was writing in the journal. I hung back, not wanting them to see that I had replacement journals (new fangled ones instead of ones pilfered from my kids rooms). I have decided I want to stay as anonymous as possible for as long as I can. I want this to be about the experiment. I imagine people will edit what they are willing to share if they have preconceived ideas about who I am. I know eventually people will figure it out but hopefully by then there will be a momentum to carry the experiment beyond personalities.

I forgot to write “WRITE IN ME!”on the outside of the journal I left up top. I think this maybe why there was only 3 entries. I had already prepared new journals before going up. I am going to work tonight on how to label them. Also I am going to start numbering them. I have recycled my score already and the experiment is beginning to take shape. Which reminds me I need to work on the “What’s the Score” section of the blog so when people read this they will have an idea of what I am talking about when I use terms like “recycling the score”. This is getting exciting.

The three entries in responds to “What have you lost that still pulls at your heart?”

First a funny guy...imagine if it had been his shirt! :P
“I lost my left shoe, it was so close to my heart and now I will never see it again :( ”

Sweet!
“I lost my inner child but I am trying to find her. he he he :) “

Again the first entry in the journal was profound. I wonder if it is at its most potent right when it is left behind with a set intention? Something to ponder.
“Travis Steeger. Gone from us, but shredding pow in heaven.

Travis was a young local hot shot powder skier who had recently received sponsorship. He was involved in a hit and run accident while crossing the street in a near by ski town on Feb 22nd 2009. The night he was killed also happened to be his 19th birthday. I did not know Travis Steeger personally. But having spent my entire youth on a set of skis I recognized that freedom and exhilaration of riding two sticks down frozen water, something we shared. He obviously loved to ski and from what I saw was damn good at it too. Have a shralping good time up there Travis. I imagine the powder in heaven is...well heavenly!

Day 4 Pulpit Rock- Love and loss.

I don’t know why I still find it so amazing. How the universe always aligns to give me exactly what I need. It is amazing in a completely ordinary sort of way. The way that carrots and peas that sprout from seed are still amazing to me no matter how many times I sow them. Yesterday when I left the journal at the top of the hike asking “Tell me about something you have lost that still pulls at your heart”, I didn’t imagine I would lose something the next day. And yet I did, and now I get to answer my own question.

I woke up this morning to an email from a dear friend saying that he felt the need to remove me from his life to a certain degree. Due to what he called a “danger of slipping into compulsive behaviour”. While I understand he is taking steps towards wellness, that this has nothing to do with him not loving me, that in fact his love for me is what makes this necessary. None of this stopped me from balling my eyes out, from feeling as though I had lost something so very dear to me. This loss pulls at my heart like the moon pulls at the tides, with an ancient intensity that overwhelms. This morning I couldn’t stop crying, I hid in my bathroom “getting ready” trying to hide from my children the pattern of abandonment that was triggered. They of course knew anyway. Got ready without argument. My eldest made breakfast, my middle was eager to help me, getting me what I needed. They mothered their mother, though it all went unspoken. They knew my heart was shattered and they loved me in the way I needed in that moment. I am so very very blessed.

I know from my friends brave and tender email that he feels he has lost me. He courageously admitted that watching me blossom was too much for him to take. That he needed to take control of this loss in order to protect his heart. I understand. Understanding does not make it any easier to take.

Writing about my life has always been a salve for me, and having the opportunity to answer my own question is the beginning of healing this hurt. I feel as though I am in service for offering others the opportunity to do the same with the 12 days journals. And grateful to the universe for inspiring yesterdays question, something I thought was for others, but turned out to be for me. Within an hour I will begin my hike and go read about what others have lost. These are things which connect us all, things every human has experienced, love and loss.

Day 3 Pulpit Rock- They wrote in it!!! But first my friend Dana.

I went up to Pulpit Rock today with a dear friend. Our kids are best friends from way back. She and her girls just moved here. She has always been an inspiration to me and is one of the toughest womyn I have ever met. Most of the time I have known her she has lived without running water and other modern day “necessities”. She recently returned from Central America where she travelled by local bus with her two young children for 3 months, with very little cash and all their belongings on her back. She is a farmer, I have seen her work harder and more efficiently in a morning than I have in a week. She is sensitive and loving, all with a self admitted hard and crusty crab shell. She is feisty, sometimes to the point where I get scared of her passion (which can be seriously angry passion), but I know that despite any quarrel we might have, (which is rare) she would give me the shirt off her back, even though she needs it more than I. I love her. Today while we walked she told me something that made me ponder what it means to be strong. She told me *I* was the strongest womyn SHE had ever met. Said that what I had been through in my life amazed, and inspired her. That it was done with grace (Or maybe I added that part). There are so many different ways of expressing strength. I may not have toiled and struggled in the same ways Dana has, but she reminded me today that I have struggled and toiled in my very own distinct ways. And my secret? Well I have always been a “silver lining”, “everything happens for a reason“, ”I am given what I can handle“, ”this too shall pass“, kind of gal. I am proud of us both.

So, so, so...I was excited when I reached the top, on yet another drizzly cold day, to look in the journal I had left. At first I couldn’t find it, then I looked over the first ledge and there it was. I opened it and was delighted to find a BUNCH of people had written in it! The journal said:

”Tell me about someone, something, anything that you love“

Many children responded.

”My sister Piper and my sister Sadie, they are both so cute. I love chocolate!“

”I love all my friends and family, and my dog and cat“

”I love my fish, I love my old fish. i love the whole world. Most of all i love my family“

Made my heart sing and my eyes tear. One boy even wrote a story called The Smallest Frog, who was bullied but overcame adversity by using the skills he had learned from being the smallest ”ex-tadpole“. The adult entries included (an assumption based purely on hand writing)

”I love hockey!“

”I love my town“

”I love the clean air and a chance to dream. I love my husband and my daughter, who give me smiles everyday“

”I love life! What’s not to love. Life is what you make it. It is not about the situation you are put in but how you act and react to those situations. If you choose to love you will!“

So very very true. The following was the first entry in the journal, it read;

”My adult daughter who won’t speak to her dad. She has an eating disorder and it disrupts her whole life“

I choose to believe that being able to put this into words, at an unexpected moment, brought this womyn strength, or solace, or something else I cannot put a name to. I believe it helped her in some way. I wanted to invite people to talk about loss and grief, the necessary shadow side of love that make the light so very sweet. This inspired me to ask:

”Tell me about something in your life that you have lost that still pulls at your heart“

I can’t wait to go up again tomorrow and find out.

Day 3 Pulpit Rock- Dream doldrums

I woke up this morning after dreaming much of the night about art. In the last dream I was to FINALLY put some of my work in a gallery. When I got there to hang it, I found I had only brought two pieces. The gallery was now also being run as a warehouse discount store. There was very little space left on the walls for art. When I located some space, I took my pictures out of a plastic grocery bag to find they were very small, and not the art photos of the installations I made this year but funny family shots. The womyn in the gallery came to help me hang them and informed me I had printed them on the wrong paper so they would never sell. Finally when I went to hang them up the one that had now shrunk to a 2 inch square, got a price tag stuck to it and ruined the picture. In my dream I was frustrated, I wanted this so badly and yet my mind created so many obstacles to get in the way of my own success. This is a pattern in my life, I recognize this. I know how talented I am in many ways, specifically artistically, but I don’t put myself out there. That would be saying “I think I am good!”, “I think I am worth it!”. It is stifling, maddening.

I think I will hike Pulpit alone today. I am feeling the need for a walking meditation. My mood is brightened somewhat by the thought of reading what was written the “12 days journal” I left at the top last night. We started our way up just before 6 p.m., walking the whole way through mist and rain. The view at the top was eerie, a drop over the edge into a misty abyss. Without this 12 day commitment I would likely have never climbed to the top in these conditions, I would have waited for “better” weather and a “better“ time. As it turned out the weather was perfect, the mist made the greens of the forest other-wordly. The lighting made it all seem magical and the trail was deserted. Only 15 days into a year and I can already see how this adventure is going to change my perspective on so many levels. What a gift!