Day 9- Thank You for this Day Spirit

The Birth of Will.

There are two ways to give birth. To give birth to body and spirit together or to give birth to spirit alone.

When I discovered in early September that I was pregnant I had to make a choice between giving birth to spirit in body form, a living breathing magical human being, or giving birth to a glorious spirit in spirit form, letting my child fly back to source. I chose spirit in spirit form.

I made this choice by listening to my highest authority and asking “How do I best serve?”. This decision we as womyn make is one of the few black and white choices which actually exist for a human being, we choose to let the baby live in our womb or to surrender the spirit back to our heart. There is no grey, no middle ground, this can make the decision heart wrenching. Often there is no clean clear yes or no instead there are a million reasons all weighed against one another on an often impossible choice which can not be undone. We must somehow boil things down to a choice of staying pregnant or ending the pregnancy, there is no middle ground.

I asked my son to wait for another time, one when I was not in so much pain, where we could be supported in the way we deserved. I whispered to him as I held my hands cross my full womb,

“Come again little one if it is really important we meet in the flesh, I trust you to know when. For right now your mama needs to serve in the way she knows best, and this time I choose giving birth to your spirit alone. I love you little one, thank you for choosing me. You are holy.... holy... holy”

In the quite of the night as the moon was coming full, on the last day of summer with the aid of herbs and a powerful vow to the Divine I went through labour as I have before. The contractions felt different without a full grown baby inside my belly but similar enough to know this process and to trust my bodies wisdom. This birth was different, there was no breathing baby at the end this time. There was human flesh though, clots and membranes, evidence that my sons spirit had released, tangible proof of my pregnancy. I wrapped the flesh in a leather pouch and went to the river. I went in ceremony and gave the flesh back to the mother, where we all go eventually when our bodies no longer serve us. I said good-bye and told my son, Will, how much I loved him and whispered... holy... holy... holy ... because we are.

​

Too many womyn feel ashamed to tell their stories of choosing abortion. Even the word abortion sounds harsh and accusing. Too many womyn hide their truth because we still live in a culture where abortions are generally tolerate but only to be spoken of in wispers. There is still silence, and with this silence an implied shame. I chose an induced miscarriage. I feel it is not only my right but my duty as an empowered womyn who has known fertility and sexuality in so many of its forms to tell my truth. I choose to speak out and do my part to create a culture where womyn are no longer judged or merely tolerated but supported and cared for no matter what we choose to do with our wombs.

A simple “What are you thankful for?” seems appropriate. I am sure I have asked it before, and will again...

Day 12 Photo Op- The Blessing Way

Imagine how we as womyn may have looked at pregnancy and birth if we got to participate in Blessing ways as little girls. These little Goddesses that you see here washing my friend Melissa feet each are wearing have a strand of yarn around their wrist. All of us who were at the blessing way have one. We sang a song and created a web with yarn, it was symbolic of the web of support every birthing mother needs around here, especially when she does it on her own with a 2 year old. We each cut a strand and will wear it until Melissa’s new baby comes into this world.

Now I better hurry up and get my earlier journal entries edited so I can post this pic before she has a baby!

​

“What are you currently way behind on?” is the question in 12 days journal #322

Day 8 Pleasure Revolution- Simple Pleasures Three!

You and me and baby makes 3!

My friend Rachel, who gave me the gift of 3 1/2 days of relaxation and nothing to do but wait for baby, wrote the following as her status on facebook this evening.

“Skylah Rain arrived this morning @ 6:57. I am totally in love.”

Congratulations James, and Rachel, enjoy your wonderful little simple pleasure.

​

“What happened on the day you were born?” is the question in 12 days journal #161

P.S. If you don’t know, google it. I did this, it was very interesting.

Day 12 Walkabout- Set My Soul in Motion

I am on hold with the Esalen reservations office. I am calling to cancel my reservation for the Vinn Marti Soul Motion workshop which begins on September 25th. I have known for a while now that I am no longer going to dance at Esalen with my tribe, I just couldn’t make the phone call before now because I don't want it to be true. I want to go, I also want to go home and celebrate my Lily’s 11th birthday. Recently Lily expressed to me how important it was that I be with her on her birthday. It happens to fall right between the workshop and my monthly classes at Tamalpa. Since returning to Canada, then turning around and flying back to California is not an option due to finances and logistics, I had to make a choice.

For the last two years I have danced with Vinn, each September, on the magical land of the Essalen people. I discovered Soul Motion within weeks of Chris’ accident, and I KNOW it was a gift sent to me from God, to help me dance my way through his injury and into my new life with grace. I am grateful beyond expression for Soul Motion, for all the family it has brought me, for all the lessons and joys.

Rachel and James, who are upstairs talking when the are SUPPOSE to be napping, are part of the tribe. I met James first, he introduced me to Rachel...a womyn who is frequently mistaken as my sister. We have had a bit of a funny relationship, intense at times. We live thousands of miles away from one another and yet here I am, in their living room, being given the honour of being present at the birth of the baby who will make them both parents for the first time.

​
(My first time at Esalen, my first time dancing Soul Motion, my first time for so many things)

Rachel and James are not the only friends who I have become very close to through the dance. I met Jeremy, my first ever long term lover since I was married over 12 years ago, on the floor, in the dance dome on the Big Sur Coast line. I remember the first time he danced past me, his fleece neck warmer making him look a little like a turtle emerging from his shell, and emerge he did. This September will be the 1 year anniversary of our meeting, sadly it will not be marked by an anniversary dance in the dome. He has promised to take along the magic mushroom I felted for him and put it on the altar. If any of you reading this see it, please pick me up and dance with me round the room. I would be so very grateful.

There are so many more I have met, Aletia, JJ, Tory, Hollie, Josie, Phillip, Lamara, Shems, Katie, Elizabeth, Zuza, Walter, Mara, Jenz, Kincade, Jovinna, Lance and and AND...so many more I want to name, but I want to go see the beach before this baby is born, so instead I am going to go for a walk. I have a feeling that I will cry a little when I see the Pacific; imagine that just a hundred miles up the coast the tubs, lodge and dance dome are waiting for the dancers to arrive on the 25th. I will imagine you all sitting on the deck, long glass tables filled with abundant food grown by Tareck and Benjamin et el. I will imagine the fascinating conversations, the laughter, the luxury of only having to decide where to sit and when to go tubbing. I will imagine the floor of the big marshmallow dance dome, bodies strewn in warm up positions of 50 different kinds. I will imagine Vinn's voice, a whisper through the mic and over the speaker, repeating words that speak of presence and acceptance and “begin again”. I imagine this scene as I have witnessed it dozens of times, each time the same, each time different. I imagine all of this without me there. It makes me sad, it makes me ecstatic, it makes me all the things that exist between these two.

I will see you all in January. I love you

“Was there a time when you had to choose between two things that you cared deeply about?” is the question in 12 days journal #153

Day 11 Walkabout- L.A.

I haven’t really been speaking about my current commitment a whole lot, I notice this as I fly through the air towards Sacramento, California, my last stop before Los Angeles. I have walked a little more than normal, but I fully admit the vague nature of this commitment has translated into a vague level of commitment. Lesson learned.

I did walk yesterday, walked away from my house in anger and found the swing which has brought me much solace in this turbulent time. Later I walked back to the house, calmer, having spent a good amount of energy pumping away my tumble of emotions. Swings are great for this. When I arrived home I ended up in a heated conversation with my husband and his partner, there were tears, accusations, hugs and expressions of understanding. Eventually Michael came home from work and then there were four of us talking. We talked and talked and talked until we all went to bed. There were pit stops along the way, one to sample the mash potatoes Rosy had made all by herself and eat a quick dinner with my mom and the girls; another for Michael to read to Rose before bed and for me to lie with her until she fell asleep. And then we all talked some more. Perhaps I should have made this the commitment of talking rather than walking, at least that way I would be doing the commitment in a manner which didn’t feel kinda like faking it.

That was yesterday, today I am en-route to LA, to be with my VERY pregnant friend Rachel and her talented partner James, of Puppetji fame. They are having a baby, and if I have any say (which I don’t) the baby will be born while I am there. Today is actually Rachel's due date, which means nothing since babies come when babies are ready. The plan for the 4 glorious days I get to spend with these 2 (3?) is to frolic, have fun, kick back, hang, and if I am blessed, be there for the birth of a wonderful little light being.

Preparing for the birth of 3 babies has taught me that WALKING is great for bringing on labour. So I will finally be making good on my commitment. I plan to walk round Venice Beach with a glorious pregnant Goddess and my favourite puppeteer, and walk a baby right on into this world. Imagine that?! If the final day of the walking commitment culminated in the birth of a baby...wow. Makes me think that maybe I want to do it again...maybe ;o)

In case you are not familiar with Puppetji...have a look.



Oh right a question, I almost forgot. Hmmmm. How about.....“What is the story of your birth?“ for the question in 12 days journal #152