Day 6 Just Breathe- No Contact

I don’t know what to write about. Anything authentic is either too personal to share or too hard to take back should I feel differently in an hour, which judging by how I have felt most of today, is very likely. If I let myself think about things too much I decide there is no answer, no solution. So today I tried really hard to be busy, not think too much, take care of the things which thankfully need taking care of.

Recently I made a decision that I had to make getting well my priority, I took steps, but I don’t know if they are making things better or worse!

I went to contact improv tonight, I spent a lot of the time at the back of the room “stretching”, which is a very common thing people do when they don’t want to more into contact with others, or are nervous about it. I didn’t want to touch anyone, the dynamics in the room were funky, or at least I imagined they were. Not only that I am embarrassed by my bony body, when I roll over people my bones stick into them. Finally a friend came and touched my foot. I took the bait. I had a beautiful dance with him. We are connected by some common circumstances at the moment, dancing with him was my way of expressing gratitude and accepting comfort all without words. I left after that one dance, again to deal with “dynamics”. I didn’t want to leave with the entire group, sit around talking afterwards and have them notice the awkwardness of things. I was grateful to have had that one dance though, one body to roll around with, a body that was tender and kind.

Right now I just want to cuddle up with “tender” and “kind” and drift off to sleep, be held all night without worrying what dynamics the morning will bring. I am tired of having all this stress in my life. This stress is what is causing all this pain and weakness in my body, I want out from under it, and I have no idea how to do that, too many “dynamics” involved.



“How has stress effected your life?” is the question in 12 days journal #232

Day 5 Just Breathe- Womyn from Florida

Back in October I wrote an entry which expressed my gratitude for a “womyn from Florida” whom I danced with at the Madrona BodyMind Institute. Later I wrote a peice for the Soul Motion newsletter and included the internet address of this blog. I got the following email today from the “womyn from florida” , she received the newsletter and followed my byline here to the 12 days 2 inspire blog.

Dear Bernice,

Thank you for sharing your journey in 12days2inspire. I didn't get it until the Soul Motion Newsletter arrived. I started reading your entries and was so touched that our meeting at MMI resonated with you.

I thought I would share my story of the workshop with you. I am a Nia teacher and my love is to create a space for people to discover their own dance and to love it. This summer I was diagnosed with stage 2 malignant melanoma. It was a life changing time as I did not know what the rest of my life would look like. Thank goodness it had not spread, however the surgery was so invasive and the loss of control so frightening, I literally felt that I no longer was in my body. I did not know if I could still dance. I certainly did not feel I could hold the space or High watch for anyone.

One day I came home and my husband said - don't kill me but I called Aletia and booked Vinn's workshop for you. What a gift it turned out to be. The weekend was magical - on Saturday Vinn walked into the room and said I am going to show you how to get into your bodies - he read from A Gift From the Sea - I had brought him a shell as a gift and on and on it went. (yes I love to collect shells) I felt overwhelmed by the warmth and love that surrounded me.

Your part - when you grabbed my hand at the edge of the witness circle and we danced around it together!

The rest of the week was wonderful as well - stayed with good friends in Seattle, connected with womyn I danced with long ago and connected with family and a friend dying of brain cancer. I was able to be open to all of it. It is still resonating within my being.

Now I haven't seen you on your blog in 3 days. The mother in me is concerned. In my heart I know your are well. You have inspired me to start my own 12days2inspire for at least 12 days lol!

I love you so....

This letter was just what I needed today, to remind me of who I am, why I am enough, perfectly me. That I make a difference in positive ways, that I have grown so much, and continue to do so, that there is no need for me to go any faster than I am. It also helped to kick my butt into taking care of myself and not ignore the obvious, that which I have a feeling others around me see and are not telling me. Tell me the truth of what you see, let this be your gift to me.

“What is the greatest gift you have been given?” is the question in 12 days journal #231

Day 4 Just Breathe- Love Like That...

If It Is Not Too Dark

Go for a walk, if it is not too dark.
Get some fresh air, try to smile.
Say something kind
To a safe-looking stranger, if one happens by.

Always exercise your heart's knowing.

You might as well attempt something real
Along this path:

Take your spouse or lover into your arms
The way you did when you first met.
Let tenderness pour from your eyes
The way the Sun gazes warmly on the earth.

Play a game with some children.
Extend yourself to a friend.
Sing a few ribald songs to your pets and plants -
Why not let them get drunk and wild!

Let's toast
Every rung we've climbed on Evolution's ladder.
Whisper, "I love you! I love you!"
To the whole mad world.

Let's stop reading about God -
We will never understand Him.

Jump to your feet, wave your fists,
Threaten and warn the whole Universe

That your heart can no longer live
Without real love!

-Hafiz”

My heart only wants to live with REAL love,

REAL reciprocation,

real willingness,

REAL caring,

shared decision making,

real respect,

and REAL empathy.

“What is some of you favorite poetry?” is the question in 12 days journal #230. I am really excited to read both the journal AND the comments that get left here on the journal, oh how I love poetry.

Day 3 Just Breathe- Jus Dance

I put together the music for Jus Dance tonight. It was wonderful to see so many dancing, smiling, shaking to a musical tapestry of my making. I tasted my calling, it was delicious.

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The other side of this dirty coin is that putting together the playlist set off a series of events which took away my “full spectrum”. How do you know when to say “Uncle”?

Uncle.

“How do you know when to walk away?” is the question in 12 days journal #229

Day 2 Just Breathe- Baby

“Baby, I don't understand
Why we can't just hold on to each other's hands.

This time might be the last, I fear
Unless I make it all too clear
I need your soul.

Take these broken wings
And learn to fly again, learn to live so free.
When we hear the voices sing
The book of love will open up and let us in.

Take these broken wings.

Baby, I think tonight
We can take what was wrong and make it right.
Baby, it's all I know
That you're half of the flesh and blood makes me whole.
I need your soul

~Mr. Mister”

“What gets in the way of your happiness?” is the question in 12 days journal #228

Day 1 Just Breathe- Jerk and Dancing babies

God...sometimes I am so blind to the interior of my own cocoon, my drama and antics, that I nauseate myself. I would tell you details, and they are juicy, especially when I spin them up right and stack the story in my favour, but to be honest it is as simple as...I was a jerk. I had reasons sure...but how many acts too terrible to even think about are justified just the same way? Maybe all terrible things done in the world are justified this way. Ugh...

I trust it all...I WANT to take it back, but I know to trust it, that whatever the consequence, it is necessary for me to “get it”. Fuck being human is hard.

Being human is also wonderful, sweet and such a wild ride. Which is a good thing, because judging by my behaviour yesterday I will remain human a lot longer. I still have work to do before enlightenment catapults me out of being human....sigh.

Ok to make this entry a little more up beat, I want to dedicate this video to my Lily Rain. The cooler than cool 11 year old who went and skinned a deer with her dad yesterday, then brought the hide (sp?) home to make an alter cloth. This is for you kid.

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“What triggers you?” is the question in 12 days journal #227

Latest Commitment! Just Breathe

Is the world speeding up everywhere or just in the crazy Nelson vortex? My newest commitment is so simple and so necessary, it is to simply breathe. Of course I do it all day long, but often not very effectively or mindfully. There is not a lot of room for the extraneous in my life at the moment, two long term commitments, a new intense friendship, 3 glorious and busy children, this blog, healing, and cultivating joy, ease and fun. I barely have room to breathe...which is why I am committing to Just breathe.

I commit to be mindful of my breathing for the next 12 days, to use it as a resource when feeling strong emotion, to cultivate better breathing habits, and for my health! I promise I will always breathe while writing my entries which means I will do better with this commitment than I have been with my others lately.

I don’t usually put video’s into my “Latest commitment” entries, but given how much this guy has sung to me while I write, it seems appropriate. Enjoy the transportive voice of Alexi Murdoch in his song...Breathe.

Day 12 Visual Creation- "Shootin Bucks and Drivin Trucks"

He hunts alone.
He uses a crossbow, not a gun.
He goes only by foot.
He uses deer pee to hide his human scent.
Has has got up before daybreak nearly every morning for 3 weeks to track.
He wears camo hats and pants in a town known for its hippies.
He has been a little obsessed.
He is going to fill our freezer for the season.
He took the life of a buck today.
He sat with the buck as it died, he said some prayers and thanked the deer for its life.
He is providing for his family.
He is MY husband, I admire him so much.



“Who is someone you admire?” is the question in 12 days journal #226

Day 11 Visual Creation- Bhakti Shakti

Bye bye Ashram. 

I still can not decide whether I liked being at the Ashram or not. It is a peculiar thing, I WANT to like it, the place just seemed so solemn, rigid, cold. This is not to say that there were not lovely people there, I was treated very well, cared for even. Still I can’t shake the idea that people were not being themselves.

Swami Sivananda Radha Saraswati, the founder of Yasodhara  and creator of many teaching centres (Radha Yoga Centres) in North America, Mexico and England, has such a fascinating story. She was a dancer, eventually through her devotion to Swami Sivananda of Rishikesh she came to see dance as a way to celebrate and devote oneself to the divine. There is singing everyday at the temple which is such an amazing sanctuary to sing in. Yet the Satsangs were morose, just as a mantra was about to begin to rock out, it would end. I sang, and put my hands in the air, felt the pull to move to the back and dance, but I got the feeling this was not acceptable. I did not see any dancing while I was there, well except for my own reflection in my bedroom window when I was bustin' a move to the Ghost Brother version of Hare Krishna. How could the work of this womyn, who had so much Kali fire, have become so mundane? This temple, devoted in so many ways to the Goddess, seems to be so lacking in femininity.

I know I was only there for three days, it is coming on winter and things are at their sleepiest. Perhaps if I show up in the Spring I will find what it is I crave: a spiritual community which accepts and celebrates all aspects of the Divine and focuses on the feminine, from the nurturing of Gaia to destructive nature of Kali. Perhaps  the mantra’s will last longer, allowing us all to really make it cellular. Maybe the Swami playing the harmonium will smile and make eye contact, and I will dance with wild abandon, devoted to all. Maybe this spring Shakti Bhakti will flow. This would make me very happy. 

"The main thing I try to do is have my students bring quality into their lives. To me, people are not spiritual if this quality is not there in their lives-even if they meditate six hours a day. By quality I mean that which comes from deep inside and shows up in their actions, their treatment of others and the way they do their jobs.
~ Swami Sivananda Radha Saraswati“

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   ”What qualities of the feminine do you identify within yourself?“ is the question in 12 days journal #225

Day 10 Visual Creation- Circle Square

For some reason TED won’t let me embed this video, so you are going to have to do it the archaic, old fashion way and actually click on the link, I know you can do it. It is so worth it, I saw this in Satsang last night, and all I could think was that I was born in the wrong country! I mean I have faith, know I was actually born in the right country, but Ganesha’s idea of “my world”, the mythological mind that spends most of it time in a state of “sort of”, is how I roll. I have been known to say, “Don’t use logic against me!” And though it may seem like I am joking, I am not! Please watch, it is so worth it.

http://www.ted.com/talks/devdutt_pattanaik.html

“If you could live anywhere, where would you live?” is the question in 12 days journal #224

Day 9 Visual Creation- Unkempt Hair

I don’t know that I can adequately explain the importance of mantra in my life. I sat in the centre of the Temple of Divine Light, here at Yasodhara, and sang mantra after mantra. There is nothing else in those moments, mantra and dance may very well be the only times when I am completely present, well actually I can think of some others, but suffice to say singing out the names of God, usually in words I don’t even understand, brings me into the Divine Light.

Yes I am at an Ashram, does it show? The thing is I am actually always this overzealous about the power of music, dance, art, touch, or anything else that lets us touch the other side, I generally just temper it in public because of the funny looks and uncomfortable pauses. Now that I am here at the Ashram, where it is all about God there is no obstacle to floating off into the expanse. There is a catch though, the Ashram is celibate. Don’t jump to conclusions! I am not thinking about having sex while here, it is more that sexuality isn’t a part of this community, at least not in a practical sense. Lately the blog and my life have been all about sexuality and my struggles with it, so what do I do? I head to the ashram! Quite the gamble.

My sense is that the dance of balance between the feminine and the masculine has been thrown in the closet, here at Yasodhara, in favour of the simple and more easily attained equal parts of both. This is not a world I would want to permanently exist in, it lacks the dynamics which create much of my growth. I have my own personal dance between the masculine and feminine going on within me, but here on the outside my focus this time round is to understand what it is like to be a man and womyn from the perspective of not only a womyn but a womyn who is committed to understanding the balance of the feminine and the masculine from within. Sound confusing? That’s because it is, it is also simple, if I listen and trust. Here at the Ashram things seem homogenous, blended, like they have been taken to with a Vita-mix blender. Nothing stands out enough to take hold of. I imagine it as an attempt to control the chaos. This is my slant on things, the outsiders perspective is both clouded and valuable.

Do you know the story of Draupadi? A character in the Mahābhārata, companion epic to the Bhagavad Gita. Draupadi had 5 husbands, one fateful day she lay before all of them being defiled by Dushasana. Her husbands had bet her away, she pleaded with them all to save her, as she was being dragged by her hair and disrobed. She cried out to Krishna, asked him to be her husband, her God, and save her this humiliation. Krishna used his magic to make her sari endless, the attempt to shame her was unsuccessful. Drapadi didn’t blend, she did not look to control the chaos, but gave into faith, let go and began to spin in ecstatic bliss, knowing she could be free and safe at the same time. Free AND safe...sounds like paradise.



There are deity and Vedic characters round ever corner in this place. I can’t go pee without being stared at by Genesha, which does for some reason make it easier, I wonder if there is something to that? Meals are blissfully silent, I don’t have to talk to anyone really, well except for Swami Samayananda, who let me out of my Karma Yoga duties. She could see that I needed restoration more than a chance to be part of the community which I am told is one of the reasons behind Karma yoga for short term visitors.

I know I am a fish in water, because at this point I want to run away from here the next chance I get, while simultaneously wanting to stay here forever and ever. Monday is going to come too soon...or too late. I have been treated very well here, all desires to rebel aside, I am enjoying the structure of this place.

If this entry is hard to read know I am hanging out in my very vata, very airy fairy crown chakra with very little root.

“What do you do for yourself that is restorative?” is the question in 12 days journal #223

Day 8 Visual Creation- Art Thou Sensitive?

I accidentally deleted two pieces I wrote as possibilities for the Soul Motion newsletter. Deleting content is always such a surreal experience, at first there is the pulling in of the abdominals,

‘Oh No! What have I done?’

I frantically scroll up to the “Edit” menu to see if it can be saved; nope, there is no “undo” option, it really is gone...sigh. Then there is a peculiar renegade feeling, a James Dean rebellion nature which emerges.

‘Ya that's it! I can destroy my art because I am THAT dedicated to the process not the product?’

I imagine a cigarette hanging out my mouth. Truth is I didn’t do it on purpose so it is hardly renegade, but feeling this way helps me get over the loss, ahh art.

Speaking of art, I have really been enjoying this commitment. I spent over 2 hours on one small picture today, it is still not done. It started with an image made by my own hands last night, a mudra that I noticed only after I had sculpted it. I didn’t do an accurate copy, instead I let a shape emerge which was informed by the mudra. Then I meditated on the scenario surrounding the event when the mudra emerged. I started out with only the event eventually letting my mind wander down many related avenues. While I was working I listened to Karnamrita’s Devi Dasi album. I would take a picture but my camera isn’t working.

This is often how I create art, many kinds. I follow a meditative process, leaping from one inspiration to the next, not focusing on the product but the process. Because of this I am, like I would say most are, very tender and sensitive about my art and how it comes to be. When I engage in this creative process and it is judged, I feel wounded. When someone has an idea about how I appear during this process and it is not affirmative, I get hurt. I know that what anyone else thinks of me is just their story, usually motivated more by their process than my actions, and yet I have not reached the point where I can let it slide away. The upside of this is a mindfulness around others art, a knowing that they are taking their heart and laying it out for the world to see.

Anyone who is willing to sing, dance, speak, perform, show, is brave and naked. This is something I honour. Artists all, I bow down before thee.

“What do you do which takes more courage than people might understand or know?” is the question in 12 days journal #222

Day 7 Visual Creation- 40 days and 40 nights

“Start a huge project, like Noah. It makes absolutly no difference, what people think of you
-Unknown”

I think I might sing this one 108 times while at the ashram, I am sure it was create just for me, in just this moment.

“What is the most substantial thing you have ever done in your life?” is the question in 12 days journal #221

Day 6 Visual Creation- Sit Sung

I didn’t got to school this month. I am just too weak. I decided yesterday that I couldn’t do it. I have some things to take care of, add that to packing, getting to the airport, keeping current here, not to mention learning....well I realized I don’t have the strength. I am not sure what is wrong, if it is anything other than living so intensely finally taking its toll, my body is screaming at me to slow down.

So instead of California, I am going across the lake to Swami Radhananda’s home, the Yasodhara Ashram.



“Resting on 120 acres of woodland where the mountains touch the waters of Kootenay Lake, Yasodhara Ashram is a vibrant spiritual community. People come here from all over the world to learn about yogic practices year round. Swami Radha founded the Ashram in 1963 and it continues to grow and thrive.”

I don’t think I will do a lot of yoga, I will sing though, I am so looking forward to Satsang.

“How do you know when you are getting run down or sick?” is the question in 12 days journal #220

Day 5 Visual Creation- Everyday Dance

I wrote the following for the Soul Motion quarterly newsletter. There is a column called “Everyday Dance”. Here dancers speak of how we take what is learned in the dance out and into our everyday lives. Soul Motion is a practice, a tool, like meditation or mantra, to be used in realizing oneself without veils, at least for me it is. This is an account of one of the many ways I use the dance in my life, one that is very pertinent to both the time of year and state of my health in this moment.

”On the ground, head hanging, hair tendrils sweep the dance floor from side to side. My eyes are closed, both look inward. There is a call to rise, a call to duty, I feel it in my body, feel it second only to the call to stay here, on the floor. Like a seed, I remain closed, filled with potential and faith, know that eventually I will heed the call and come back into community, find the together part of ”alone together“. Until then I enjoy the sweep sweep sweep of my hair, use my body to prepare this holy space. I came here to hold the ”high watch“, as it turns out I found the grace and necessity of holding the low watch instead. I can not hold the group until I can hold my own sweet self. Giving myself this restorative pause, held in the pulsation of so many souls in motion, honouring exactly where I am, is holding the place of witness, witness to self.

I do this same thing here in my everyday. I am frail at the moment, not strong like the womyn you may know, the one who gyrates, shakes and sweats for hours in a state of ecstatic bliss. Living big and ”out there“ has taken its toll. Like the trees outside my window, I have had to drop my leaves and turn my focus inward. It is time to let the sap I have cultivated soothe my weary body. I am taking a break from the ”high watch“, instead I am choosing another mantra, one I hear repeated over and over when travelling between school in California, and a home life in Canada filled with family, community and this work. ”Securely fashion the oxygen mask over your own mouth before attempting to assist others“. In this moment I am going to simply be mindful of how I am being breathed.”

Bernice Raabis is the commitment maker behind www.12days2inspire.com and is presently attending the Tamalpa Institutes Movement-based Expressive Arts, Embodied Leadership Program, in Marin County, California. She lives with her BIG family in the mountain town of Nelson, British Columbia, and is co-owner of Nelson’s newest movement studio, set to open this month.“

It was a real challenge to be limited to 300 words. I am grateful for both the experience and to have been asked by both Vinn and my curly haired Devi Dasi sister Steph. I love you both very very much.

”Do you feel you have a bigger purpose for being here?“ is the question in 12 days journal #219

Day 4 Visual Creation- Truth about Truth

Someone made a comment today about me being proud of my sexuality. I reacted in a visceral way, wanted to curl up in a ball and hide. The part of me who believed I was being judged screamed “No I am not! ”. I knew I could not speak this aloud because I would sound as ridiculous as I was being. This person pointed out that I told the whole world I was proud of my sexuality right here on this blog. It was then I realized that this is a natural assumption to make, that if I announce something to the world especially when I claim that I am proud of it, that I actually am. Sadly this is not always true. I sometimes use this blog to pull myself, kicking and screaming, into my truth, I announce it and eventually become Ok with it. I have come to know that this is a God damn hard way to exist.

I went to an 80’s party the other night, my friend Terran was DJing. I had a really good time, I also had a number of existential crisis’. I live in a town of 10,000 people, this means many friends, many dynamics all breed together in one tiny petri dish. I became aware of so many of my patterns and stories, they got up in my face and screamed at me to open my eyes, see what I have chosen, acknowledge my lack of self transparency and ultimately my lack of self support.

I looked hot that night. Again reading this might have you thinking, wow this womyn has such confidence. Well I do have confidence, I also write “I looked hot” to convince myself, make it truth, so that I can believe it...that and I KNOW I looked hot. These are my cyclical thought patterns, I am like a dog chasing her tail. I know also that I am a talented dancer, the two combine mean I am sexy. Yet admitting this here is more a test of my commitment to truth than truth itself. A way of putting out there what I know to be truth but will not let in, faking the “Here is who I am and I am damn proud of it!”, making it true so I can know it, relax into it and stop the internal chatter... which drives me fucking crazy!!

So you want to know the truth about all this truth telling? Here are 2 truths about my truth

1)I sometimes judge myself for having a lover who lives with my husband and me. I then project this judgement onto others, deciding that they think I am terrible.

2) EDIT Couldn’t handle it, so I removed it.

Michael is siting next to me sending a facebook message to a friend from Grade 1, telling him about his living arrangements. I say,

“See! You are just like me.”,

meaning he puts his truth out there for the whole world to see. I then question if he ever finds this to be difficult. He says,

“No, I have been doing this for a long time.”

The fact that I find his answer so hard to believe, am skeptical of his self love, should tell me something. I say,

“What? You have been living with your love, her husband and their kids, your whole life?” , somewhat sarcastically.

“No. I have been living my truth transparently and without shame for a long time.“

The ”without shame“ part is what I am struggling with, I think I may have missed the point of living my truth.

”Do you feel shame?“ is the question in 12 days journal #218

Day 3 Visual Creation- Journal Check

Today I had to fudge my commitment a little. My visual art piece was done on a wood floor. The medium was wood filler. We are filling the cracks so that people can roll around, bare skinned on our beautiful old fir floor without the threat of slivers. I will take picture of the floor and post it here eventually, this will lend credibility to its visual art status.

I wanted to mention something about the 12 days journals. I have noticed a number of people are using the 12 days journals to jot down notes, shopping lists phone numbers, I just want to say...GOOD!! My friend Andreas was a little embarrassed when I saw that he had been using his 12 days journal for doodles and phone numbers. I want you all to know that I want the journals to come back filled with authenticity and wonder. I love whatever they are being used for. Please don’t feel embarrassed, I love you and your journal just as you are! The only thing that really matters is that they COME BACK TO ME!

PLEASE SEND YOUR JOURNALS HOME...when they are ready of course.

“Are there things in life that you use in ways other than their intended purpose?” is Michael Sheely’s question contribution, it lives inside 12 days journal #217. Perhaps another good question might have been “What do you constantly put off that you could take care of in the moment and be more comfortable in doing so?”, I will answer that one right after I go pee!

Day 2 Visual Creation- Grow up!

Being grown up can mean letting go of what we want short term in order to get what we want in a grander sense, the big picture. I never use to understand parents who would allow their children to leave home and live on the streets, I still get anxiety at the idea of this dynamic playing out in our family. I now can understand better though. I understand that letting someone go because I love them, is a way of standing ground for both of us. To hold my boundaries and say “I will not tolerate being treated this way” and I do this for me AND for them, is true deep commitment love. I do this so that you will know I LOVE YOU. Tough love. Generally I am more of the mushy huggy gooey love kinda girl, doing the tough love thing goes again my natural inclination, I want to save, care take, enable.

No, I don’t think anyone is leaving, at least I hope not.

“What does being ‘grown up’ mean to you?” is the question in 12 days journal #216

Day 1 Visual Creation- Do you believe?

I have come to the sad resolve that we live in an age skeptical of love. Sometimes I think I am the only romantic left, that is until another finds me, this is when I am reminded of the vast array of love and lovemaking possibilities. Before you get the idea that I am talking about sex, read on.

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The idea of having a song sung to me, better yet, about me, is my idea of romantic ecstasy. Or how about listening to a poem read slowly, with intention, and passion? My knees quiver just thinking about it. Today a friend explained a theory in Chinese Medicine using dots and lines, he transformed it into something both beautiful and clear, the seduction of sacred mathematics is so delicious. This is love, shared experience, passion and wonder. Lovemaking the traditional way is certainly lovely, believe me I am very pro sexuality. Lovemaking though happens all the time, in an infinite number of ways. A well placed hand during Tango, a rescued melon in the midst of a shopping cart catastrophe, a smile from a passer-by which lasts long enough to say “I see you”, these are all acts of making love. My fondest hope is that you can understand and feel in your body what I am talking about, if not, this is the scepticism of which I speak.

Today I stroked a hand, and made love. Today I drew a picture, shared it with a friend, in this act we made love. I let go into myself in the bath last night, while listening to the ecstatic chanting of the Ghost Brothers, I felt, from the inside, every inch of my being, I felt ecstatic bliss, this was me making love with myself. Skepticism of love often shows up as sarcasm or harsh sexual humour. If reading about my making love with myself translates for any readers into masturbation, then you are misunderstanding. I am talking about love as a connection with the Divine, felt through the body as ecstatic bliss.

Scepticism puts an obstacle in the way of being able to trust, to believe. An unconditional belief in love is what creates unconditional love, and in turn ecstatic bliss.

I am no skeptic, I believe in love.

“Do you believe in love?” is the question in 12 days journal #215

Latest Commitment! Visual Creation

Last night I did something I love to do, and curiously don’t do very often anymore. I drew a picture. Yup, drew a picture. Simple hey. It helped me to get present, just experience the colour, the texture of running a white pastel over the already laid down green, feel it tackiness, one pulling on the other. Drawing grounds me, helps me to express in a way that does not need to be literal, figurative or even metaphorical, just marks on a page.

I commit to creating a piece of visual art every days for the next 12 days. I commit to do this simply for the experience and not look for end product. Be it a doodle or oil on canvas (which is unlikely), it doesn’t matter, so long as it travelled from my mind through my hands to a visual medium.

That is, super simple and EXACTLY what I need right now.