Day 6 Just Breathe- No Contact

I don’t know what to write about. Anything authentic is either too personal to share or too hard to take back should I feel differently in an hour, which judging by how I have felt most of today, is very likely. If I let myself think about things too much I decide there is no answer, no solution. So today I tried really hard to be busy, not think too much, take care of the things which thankfully need taking care of.

Recently I made a decision that I had to make getting well my priority, I took steps, but I don’t know if they are making things better or worse!

I went to contact improv tonight, I spent a lot of the time at the back of the room “stretching”, which is a very common thing people do when they don’t want to more into contact with others, or are nervous about it. I didn’t want to touch anyone, the dynamics in the room were funky, or at least I imagined they were. Not only that I am embarrassed by my bony body, when I roll over people my bones stick into them. Finally a friend came and touched my foot. I took the bait. I had a beautiful dance with him. We are connected by some common circumstances at the moment, dancing with him was my way of expressing gratitude and accepting comfort all without words. I left after that one dance, again to deal with “dynamics”. I didn’t want to leave with the entire group, sit around talking afterwards and have them notice the awkwardness of things. I was grateful to have had that one dance though, one body to roll around with, a body that was tender and kind.

Right now I just want to cuddle up with “tender” and “kind” and drift off to sleep, be held all night without worrying what dynamics the morning will bring. I am tired of having all this stress in my life. This stress is what is causing all this pain and weakness in my body, I want out from under it, and I have no idea how to do that, too many “dynamics” involved.



“How has stress effected your life?” is the question in 12 days journal #232

Day 9 Community Support- Normal?

“Normal”. The “n” word.

Is that “normal”?

I think it is “normal”.

God! I hope it is “normal”!

Funny thing about the word, if you say it quickly 20 times, the word no longer sounds normal. So what does that say? If even the word itself ceases to actually be what it claims to define? Do you think all this talk about the word normal is “normal”? Is there something wrong with me? Is it normal to get so focussed on one little word? Well when the word has so much power I should say so!!

I lie in bed this afternoon watching a TED video by Helen Fisher. I found her book Anatomy of Love, recently in a thrift store. I will be honest, I haven’t read the book cover to cover, just snippets, but Chris is reading it. I know this because he keeps following me round the house, book in hand, assuring me, with a hint of astonishment, that we are normal! The book explores the natural history of monogamy and makes some pretty bold statements that are far from popular. In the video Helen speaks about antidepressants ruining ones ability to love. I have some friends who have given in to taking these drugs just to feel “normal again”. I wonder if they even realize they are messing with their ability to form attachments; their ability to love? Life without the intense feeling of love seems so sad to me. I really do believe love is the single most important thing there is. I reached out to a friend today, in love, we haven’t spoken in some time. He reached back, then for reasons I can only guess at, ran away...again. I came home and cried. It hurts to love and be rejected. I know that the rejection had NOTHING to do with me, but somehow this didn’t make it hurt less. In a moment of painful sadness, I thought “What is wrong with me?Why do I love so strongly? Why do I reach out in love to others so often? Is this normal?” It was after this I watched Helen Fishers video. I wasn’t looking for answers, more like distracting myself from my weepy heart, but along came an answer anyway. The results are is in folks, and they are normal.

I have no fancy segue into today's community talent, though I can tell you he appears to be normal. He is Thomas, I barely know him. I don’t know what he does with most of his day, whether he is married, has a brother, or likes coffee. I do know he is fiercely dedicated to running our local Contact Improv Jam, and that he continues to show up week after week, even when the numbers are small. Contact Improv is a really hard thing for, I would say, MOST people. It involves touching another human being, usually one you don’t know very well, and accepting that neither of you has any idea what happens next. It is the ultimate in letting go of control, at least in the beginning. Once you begin to get used to it there is more control in that you know you lived through it last time and likely will again. I am sure this description is making you all want to run out and join a class! The upside? Well the upside is hard for me to explain because it is a deep, soft visceral feeling. Connecting with another human being with such vulnerability is rare outside of the bedroom. When participating in contact improv the goal is to touch, to tap into the movement of the other, no leader, no follower, just a subtle energetic back and forth. It is a close as I have come to proof that we are all truly ONE. When I relax, let go of my thinking mind, use nothing but senses, then magic happens. I can explain it to you this way; have you ever had a moment ,say, on a beach at sunset, or while surfing, or at the sight of a child's smile where you knew beyond any doubt that God existed? But when you try to explain it words ALWAYS fail? That is the experience I have felt in contact improv. The kicker is I didn’t experience it alone, I experienced it with another, a stranger. I fell in love on the dance floor. This doesn’t happen every time, but it does happen. Knowing this possibility is what gets me through those awkward moments of rolling round on the floor with a sweaty stranger, wondering “is this normal?”

12 days journal #42 was given to Thomas. “Do you think of yourself as normal?” is the question written inside. While writing this entry tonight it occurred to me that Thomas, not knowing about this experiment, might wonder why I gave him a journal with this written inside. I sent him an email assuring him the question was not directed at him specifically, I am very interested to get his response!