Day 4 Visual Creation- Truth about Truth

Someone made a comment today about me being proud of my sexuality. I reacted in a visceral way, wanted to curl up in a ball and hide. The part of me who believed I was being judged screamed “No I am not! ”. I knew I could not speak this aloud because I would sound as ridiculous as I was being. This person pointed out that I told the whole world I was proud of my sexuality right here on this blog. It was then I realized that this is a natural assumption to make, that if I announce something to the world especially when I claim that I am proud of it, that I actually am. Sadly this is not always true. I sometimes use this blog to pull myself, kicking and screaming, into my truth, I announce it and eventually become Ok with it. I have come to know that this is a God damn hard way to exist.

I went to an 80’s party the other night, my friend Terran was DJing. I had a really good time, I also had a number of existential crisis’. I live in a town of 10,000 people, this means many friends, many dynamics all breed together in one tiny petri dish. I became aware of so many of my patterns and stories, they got up in my face and screamed at me to open my eyes, see what I have chosen, acknowledge my lack of self transparency and ultimately my lack of self support.

I looked hot that night. Again reading this might have you thinking, wow this womyn has such confidence. Well I do have confidence, I also write “I looked hot” to convince myself, make it truth, so that I can believe it...that and I KNOW I looked hot. These are my cyclical thought patterns, I am like a dog chasing her tail. I know also that I am a talented dancer, the two combine mean I am sexy. Yet admitting this here is more a test of my commitment to truth than truth itself. A way of putting out there what I know to be truth but will not let in, faking the “Here is who I am and I am damn proud of it!”, making it true so I can know it, relax into it and stop the internal chatter... which drives me fucking crazy!!

So you want to know the truth about all this truth telling? Here are 2 truths about my truth

1)I sometimes judge myself for having a lover who lives with my husband and me. I then project this judgement onto others, deciding that they think I am terrible.

2) EDIT Couldn’t handle it, so I removed it.

Michael is siting next to me sending a facebook message to a friend from Grade 1, telling him about his living arrangements. I say,

“See! You are just like me.”,

meaning he puts his truth out there for the whole world to see. I then question if he ever finds this to be difficult. He says,

“No, I have been doing this for a long time.”

The fact that I find his answer so hard to believe, am skeptical of his self love, should tell me something. I say,

“What? You have been living with your love, her husband and their kids, your whole life?” , somewhat sarcastically.

“No. I have been living my truth transparently and without shame for a long time.“

The ”without shame“ part is what I am struggling with, I think I may have missed the point of living my truth.

”Do you feel shame?“ is the question in 12 days journal #218