109th Bead

Om Namah Shivaya Gurave: I offer myself to Lord Shiva,the Auspiscious One, who is the true teacher Within and Without.
Saccidananda Murtaye: Who Assumes the forms of Reality, Consciousness and Bliss.
Nishprapanchaya Shantaya: Who is never absent and is full of peace.
Niralambaya Tejase: Independent existence, the vital essence of illumination.

I prayed today, 108 times as I sang the full Om Namah Shivaya mantra. My fingers prayed on each bead of my mala for this miscarriage to end. Today is 49th day of this miscarriage, 7 weeks, 7 sevens, seven completions of the life cycle, a good day for this lesson to be embodied.... fort this lesson to end... I am ready.



Eventually in the evening on this peaceful new moon my body let go, my baby let go and came out of me. It was non-eventful, no great pain or bleeding. He just quietly said good-bye. He is as big as a peanut and from the shape of his head, spine and limbs I know he made it to about 6 weeks. He left me before I took the herbs to end the pregnancy at 7 1/2 weeks. It was over before I even knew I was pregnant. He didn’t come to become my child in the flesh, but to teach me, he came as my 109th bead... my completion bead.. Thank you little one... Om Namah Shivaya.

My tiny teacher, my son is now wrapped in a ceremonial pouch, a new one which I found today because this morning something inside me knew it would end. Eventually there will be another ceremony to say good bye ... I am not sure when. This whole ordeal has brought so much pain... and so much healing. I will never be the same.

“What have you endured that has changed you forever?”

Day 12- Please let go little one

I have not posted in over a month. I have been consumed by what is going on inside my body, which apparently wanted a baby more than I realized. The miscarriage I induced did not complete. I have been bleeding for 47 days now, waiting to pass something that is still inside me. I suspect it is my baby. I really do want another child, a son this time, but not like this. Not with this much pain. Please let go little one. Please let go body... He will come again when the time is right.

Day 11- Weeds

Praying

It doesn't have to be the blue iris,
it could be weeds in a vacant lot,
or a few small stones;

just pay attention,

then patch a few words together
and don't try to make them elaborate,
this isn't a contest ....
but the doorway into thanks,
and a silence in which another voice may speak.

-Mary Oliver



I have a friend, a gorgeous human being both inside and out, who recently said to me “I don’t really know how to go into ceremony”. I had a hard time not laughing, which would have been very inappropriate given her delicate state. This womyn knows how to go into ceremony with such beauty, focus and devotion that I kneel down in awe of her abilities as a Priestess. Not the kind of Priestess that holds gathering or facilitates groups, but an everyday Priestess who ceaselessly prays with her every action, thought and word. She KNOWS how to go into ceremony, she just don’t know that she knows.

She told me about a night when she found herself half way up a mountain DEMANDING God give her what she asked for. This is something I struggle with. I pray more in the style of “You tell me what is needed of me and I will do my very best” . I meekly ask God for things here and there but am more likely to wait to be told God’s will and see what happens. She explained to me how important it was to help God out, let him (her) know what I really want. That when the time comes when I ferociously KNOW what I need that I must actually DEMAND it! I admit to fearing wrathful spite at being so firm with God, but then remembered that I don’t believe in a wrathful God and take heed of her wise words.

So what do I want right now? I don’t know... I don’t know that to ask for. I know I want peace, but nothing more specific is percolating. Peace is in short supply these days, though turmoil is teaching me to find peace within the intensity. To find it even when there are just a tiny little pockets of it. To relish it, crawl deep inside and let it take care of me.

On the day this friend told me she didn’t know how to go into ceremony, she was dealing with the life and death cycle which plays out in the female body. She had begun to bleed at 9 weeks pregnant, she miscarried a week later. She took her baby to the river and went into ceremony to say good bye, just as I did days ago. When she told me how she and her partner honoured their child we wept together. We are sisters now in a way we could never have been without a similar grief that was shared at the same time in our lives. Our journeys were different. She is 12 years younger than I and has no children. Her pregnancy was a surprise but a welcome one, this couple was ready to share their love with a baby. I already have 3 beautiful children. My pregnancy was also a surprise and while there is deep love for this baby and between his father and I, our relationship is fraught with conflict to the point that there is no longer contact between us. I chose my miscarriage, my friend did not, regardless we are both grieving. So we took our grief and went into ceremony, we honoured our babies.

So next time you feel grief, or immense joy, or anything at all that pulls at you to be celebrated or honoured. Find some weeds and small stones, say some words, express to source what is in your heart. Know that this is prayer, this IS ceremony. No one has to show you how, there is no manual or right way to bring yourself to God... all you need is right there within you.

“How do you go into ceremony?”, because I know you do, even if you haven’t called it that before.

Day 10- Equanimity: It Happens in the Body!

I found the following on good old facebook, my friend Tori shared it. It spoke so deeply to me with its complete simplicity. A truth I have known and couldn’t find the words to express. I think Shinzen did a bang up job... how about you?



Equanimity: the Radical Permission to Feel
--by Shinzen Young (Jul 05, 2010)
Listen To Reading!

Equanimity is a fundamental skill for self-exploration and emotional intelligence. It is a deep and subtle concept frequently misunderstood and easily confused with suppression of feeling, apathy or inexpressiveness.

Equanimity comes from the Latin word aequus meaning balanced, and animus meaning spirit or internal state. As an initial step in understanding this concept, let's consider for a moment its opposite: what happens when a person loses internal balance.

In the physical world we say a person has lost balance if they fall to one side or another. In the same way a person loses internal balance if they fall into one or the other of the following contrasting reactions:

* Suppression –A state of though/feeling arises and we attempt to cope with it by stuffing it down, denying it, tightening around it, etc.
* Identification –A state of thought/feeling arises and we fixate it, hold onto it inappropriately, not letting it arise, spread and pass with its natural rhythm.

Between suppression on one side and identification on the other lies a third possibility, the balanced state of non-self-interference…equanimity.

Equanimity belies the adage that you cannot “have your cake and eat it too. ”When you apply equanimity to unpleasant sensations, they flow more readily and as a result cause less suffering. When you apply equanimity to pleasant sensations, they also flow more readily and as a result deliver deeper fulfillment. The same skill positively affects both sides of the sensation picture. Hence the following equation:

Psycho-spiritual Purification = (Pain x Equanimity) + (Pleasure x Equanimity)

Furthermore, when feelings are experienced with equanimity, they assure their proper function as motivators and directors of behaviour as opposed to driving and distorting behaviour. Thus equanimity plays a critical role in changing negative behaviours such as substance and alcohol abuse, compulsive eating, anger, violence, and so forth.

Equanimity involves non-interference with the natural flow of subjective sensation. Apathy implies indifference to the controllable outcome of objective events. Thus, although seemingly similar, equanimity and apathy are actually opposites. Equanimity frees up internal energy for responding to external situations. By definition, equanimity involves radical permission to feel and as such is the opposite of suppression. As far as external expression of feeling is concerned, internal equanimity gives one the freedom to externally express or not, depending on what is appropriate to the situation.

--Shinzen Young, from "What is Equanimity"

I believe the key to this wisdom is that the feelings are to be EXPERIENCED... truly EMBODIED.

It is a process, feelings being truly experienced IN THE BODY is the first step. Equanimity comes as the process of experiencing feelings becomes comfortable even when the feelings themselves are not comfortable.

Actually FEELING our feeling is not something many of us were taught. Luckily we can teach ourselves and each other. We have everything we need right here ♥

“How do you experience your feelings in your body?“

Day 9- Thank You for this Day Spirit

The Birth of Will.

There are two ways to give birth. To give birth to body and spirit together or to give birth to spirit alone.

When I discovered in early September that I was pregnant I had to make a choice between giving birth to spirit in body form, a living breathing magical human being, or giving birth to a glorious spirit in spirit form, letting my child fly back to source. I chose spirit in spirit form.

I made this choice by listening to my highest authority and asking “How do I best serve?”. This decision we as womyn make is one of the few black and white choices which actually exist for a human being, we choose to let the baby live in our womb or to surrender the spirit back to our heart. There is no grey, no middle ground, this can make the decision heart wrenching. Often there is no clean clear yes or no instead there are a million reasons all weighed against one another on an often impossible choice which can not be undone. We must somehow boil things down to a choice of staying pregnant or ending the pregnancy, there is no middle ground.

I asked my son to wait for another time, one when I was not in so much pain, where we could be supported in the way we deserved. I whispered to him as I held my hands cross my full womb,

“Come again little one if it is really important we meet in the flesh, I trust you to know when. For right now your mama needs to serve in the way she knows best, and this time I choose giving birth to your spirit alone. I love you little one, thank you for choosing me. You are holy.... holy... holy”

In the quite of the night as the moon was coming full, on the last day of summer with the aid of herbs and a powerful vow to the Divine I went through labour as I have before. The contractions felt different without a full grown baby inside my belly but similar enough to know this process and to trust my bodies wisdom. This birth was different, there was no breathing baby at the end this time. There was human flesh though, clots and membranes, evidence that my sons spirit had released, tangible proof of my pregnancy. I wrapped the flesh in a leather pouch and went to the river. I went in ceremony and gave the flesh back to the mother, where we all go eventually when our bodies no longer serve us. I said good-bye and told my son, Will, how much I loved him and whispered... holy... holy... holy ... because we are.

​

Too many womyn feel ashamed to tell their stories of choosing abortion. Even the word abortion sounds harsh and accusing. Too many womyn hide their truth because we still live in a culture where abortions are generally tolerate but only to be spoken of in wispers. There is still silence, and with this silence an implied shame. I chose an induced miscarriage. I feel it is not only my right but my duty as an empowered womyn who has known fertility and sexuality in so many of its forms to tell my truth. I choose to speak out and do my part to create a culture where womyn are no longer judged or merely tolerated but supported and cared for no matter what we choose to do with our wombs.

A simple “What are you thankful for?” seems appropriate. I am sure I have asked it before, and will again...

Day 8- Ask 3 times...

Hot on the heels of Yom Kippur, the day of atonement, I find this poem. It was given to by one of my Teachers, a man who gives of his spirit endlessly.

The Healing Time

Finally on my way to yes
I bump into
all the places
where I said no
to my life
all the untended wounds
the red and purple scars
those hieroglyphs of pain
carved into my skin,
my bones,

those coded messages
that send me down
the wrong street
again and again
where I find them
the old wounds
the old misdirections
and I lift them
one by one
close to my heart
and I say
holy
holy
holy.

Pesha Gertler




Tomorrow is Mabon or Fall Equinox, a time of balance between light and dark. As the time of high festivities comes to an end, as the summer takes her youthful place behind Autumn, we honour equanimity. After 3 months of packing in all that summer brings we stand in awe of the majesty of our abundance. Whether it comes as this festival is often know in the form of food from the ground or from some other area of the hearts planting and tending, now is the time to honour what we have created in our own lives. There are always times for “should have” and “could have”, now is not one of those. If you find yourself judging what “mistakes” may have lessened your bounty, remember lessons are learned in tricky ways sometimes, don’t be so quick to dismiss those mistakes as wrong doings. Forget all of that and instead look at your life.... and whisper
...holy
holy
holy.

This is the wisdom of Yom Kippur, ask atonement of your bones and forgiveness is given so long as you yourself grant it. It can happen in an instant. It is just that simple... no t’s to cross, no i’s to dot.

I forgave myself today. I love you Will.

“For what do you ask or give forgiveness?“

Day 7- An Angry Bird

A Caged bird
Longs to fly, to be free of her cage atop the fence where the bass pounds,
attacking from vicious angles.
My life is a shambles,
pure love becomes a cage, and now I am a bird.
What was I before?
Look it up ! Look it up!
... but where?
in journals?
pictures?
emails?
Where to look but into my own heart,
this little heart that pounds so fast,
so hard,
so true,
i am here... SEE me!

Please.

... please see me... please.
My devotion, my care and my Teachings...
Will you learn to listen so we can go home together and cuddle,
find peace?
ease.



Listen...look it up
you CAN understand me, we can find a way back to love...look it up!
...but where?
In your mind?
In your stories?
in your heart? Your heart so divinely connected to my own.
Connection created by a sacred practice.
Do you remember my heart?
The heart of the one who loves you,
the one you called in,
asked in written word to show up and “Call you on your shit”
.... listen to me...
.... listen to me...
...listen to me...
listen....

Do you hear that sound?

Thwack thwack thwack
my own head against a wall over and over.
How many more times can I say it until you will listen?
How many times can I say this until I will listen?
When will I stop my own painful self punishment.
How much longer will I ignore the fingers at the end of each of these delicate wings
how much longer till I slip the latch, open the lock, and set myself free?

When will the longing to fly be stronger than the longing to remain caged?

Day 6- For What Good?

A friend and faithful supporter of this blog asked me this on facebook:

"And where have you been? Missed u :-)"

Where I have been is trying to sort out what the hell to do with my life. I haven’t read the blog for months, I haven't thought much about it, hadn’t thought to go read it till yesterday. I didn’t find anything new which is, I suppose, because I hadn’t written and submitted anything to read ....Hmmm I wonder if there is a connection?

I am floating free. With little to hold me down I have been travelling, spending time with my precious children who definitely lost some of my focus during the project. I am enjoying the ease of not living in blog land with my partners, man did it test our relationships, things were just so out there in the open. I know I am not telling you anything you didn’t know or at least suspect. I was so deep in it though, so blind to the water in which I swam. Don’t get me wrong I wouldn’t take it back; I grew from doing this work, in ways I never would have imagined at the outset. In the end all my relationships are far better off. It is more that I didn’t see how the pace of my awakening to myself was effecting those around me, constantly getting used to my next lesson, my next entry, my next commitment, none of which they had much say in. My family is amazing, truly amazing.

Thank you Chris, Lily, Ayla, Rosy, Michael.... I want you to know I thought very hard about how to order your names and decided random was my best bet.

So where have I been? Nowhere and Everywhere. I have travelled but always close to home. I went to rehearsal yesterday. I am performing with the Arise Dance Troupe in the Finale for the Labyrinth at Shambala. Here in the Kootenays we throw Canada’s Largest Electronic Music Festival in the middle of a forest with a river running through it. I live in Heaven so I have been sticking close to home and enjoying myself.... and trying to figure out what the hell to do with my life...any ideas?


(Arrise Dance Troupe Performance at Shambala 2010)

I feel like asking a question, for old times sake.

“For what good?” is the question. It is a little vague, but that is why I like it. Ask yourself for “For what good?” and then just see where your mind goes, notice it because it means something, but don’t analyse it, just notice it. Then ask again “For what Good?”, and again and again..... after the 12th to 50th time things will get juicy. That is where you might want to start writing it down. I look forward to reading the answers :oD

Day I am not Sure

Wow...what a trip. I completely dropped out of computer land, I am not even doing emails. The project ended, I came out for my ,as per usual, long drawn out encore and even the "show after the show" ....then BAM!... I really got to feel what it was like to be at the end of the project.

"What I Have Learned; a check list."

-Damn did I need a break from the computer!!

-Damn was that hard! I had no idea until I was out of it for real how different I now was, that even my fingers are different from tying for so long. They are now distressed that I have stopped typing actually. I keep getting nerve pain in the hand I broke punching a wall shortly before I began this project. (long story)

-I learned that I am terrible when not engaged!! I fret so much over not being on track, or growing, or contributing (right now mostly financially which is killing me, damn do I want to make my own money!!!)

-That I want to do another blogging project and am struggling to come up with something that is lucrative, relatively stress free and growing from the success I gained of my own accord. I DID it! I built 12days2inspire.com on my own and I did really well, I want to build on this! I also know that I want the new project to mean me writing and doing art and dancing...yes dancing!!

-I learned that despite all the growth that the project and blog brought into my personal life, that I still have some old patterns which are stuck. I still struggle with how to see through the veils. I still have baggage and I still strive for perfection which I espouse to only "exist with flaws".... I learned that I am my own worst critic. obstacle, and disbeliever.

-I learned that I really do believe in myself...eventually. That believing in myself is not a finite destination but a journey where I still fuck up (the word fuck only used for literary emphasis). I learned that believing in myself means picking myself up, recommitting to myself and believing again. I believe in myself even when I don't, this is my practice, one of many.

-I learned that I have a very strong, varied and unorthodox practice that doesn't fit in a box or on a Soul Motion application form very well. I often have a difficult time explaining it, this makes it difficult to communicate. I also learned that even when I can't explain something it doesn't change that I know it, that it is my truth.

-I learned that I love my sisters, and that I love my brothers, and that ultimately what is left to learn for us here on this sweet beautiful planet is to GET ALONG!. Divine female, Divine male, regardless of sexual orientation or choices, womyn and men need to learn to get along. Sisters need to learn to get along, to not believe in scarcity of love, because we all know that what we have in common as sisters is how much we want love. And the brothers need to learn to get along so they can talk, understand each other, trust each other to trust the sisters to love each other, so we can honour our brothers. It's time.

Day 5- Why I Choose It...

This video is why I do the work I do. Why I have dedicated my life to dance even though it didn’t turn out the way I imagined it would when I was 16.

Then I wanted to be a professional dancer. Wanted the theatre life, and to dance dance dance all the time, move my body and find God there. The thing was the dance world where I existed, in front of mirrors, performing predetermined steps judging my every move, began to robe me of my confident and along with that my love for the art form. At 21 I quit when I became the mother of one beautiful light being. Years past and slowly slowly I began to dance again. My life is now back to being filled with endless rehearsals and costuming conundrums. The difference now is how I feel in my dance, how I feel about my dance. I may not be as flexible as I was, my artistic line on stage may not present quite as well as it did when my choreographers were top notch and on staff at a performance arts school, but now my spirit and confidence get to come with me up on stage. Like the little girls in this video I dance to be free, to ride a cloud, to listen to my heart, to BE the wooden floor, no separation between me and anything. No separation between me and the people I am dancing with, or the ones down the hall, out to the street, I am connected through this dance to every living being. From the floor I can step ANYWHERE!

Tomorrow night I will perform with the Arise Sacred Dance Troupe, our debut performance. It will have glitches and likely will not run 100% smooth, we have never done this before. Luckily we are not doing this to be flawless. It is our first, first of many and instead of flawless we strive to be authentic, to inspire and to awaken. Thank you to Eau Vive and Heather for pulling this whole thing together, for being amazing, for being courageous, for creating a safe container for our glorious lights shine. THANK YOU! Thank you!Thank you.



Come see us tomorrow if you are in Nelson. Support us as we open the door, step on the floor and change the world with our expression of love and hope using our bodies as our tool.

Day 4- New Moon

Tonight I set the intention to manifest and commit to:

Positive cash flow
Acceptance and celebration of my body in all my shapes and forms.
Fully embracing my monthly New Moon Ceremony.
To trusting this journey, no matter how the journey feels or looks.

We (Jill and I) went to Taghum beach, we danced on the beach, and almost lost our journals. Then we burnt our intentions in a big bonfire. It was brilliant and nourishing.

Happy New Moon all!

Day 3- Harder Than I Thought.

Reintegrating this blog into my life has proved more difficult than I expected, in a really bizarre way that I never imagined. It is not that I don’t want to write, I really miss writing, I haven’t felt nearly as inspired since I quit. What I am working on figuring out is how to adapt my posting and editing skills to this new not-a-commitment. They were so regimented before, in a laissez faire sort of way. Now they are laissez faire in a no direction kinda way. I have scads of half written posts and TONS of ideas but writing and editing later became my habit. With my new desire to be authetic, present, now, by the time I edit the entry is no longer current and then I decide not relevant (or something) so I haven’t proceed to publishing any of them. Ugh.... self direction has never been my strong point. It is why I create things like www.12days2inspire.com. There is so much I want to do, write, paint, dance, build community, perform, travel. I am struggling with finding a direction, well that is not true, I am struggling to STICK with A direction.

I wrote a grant last week, with a deadline. Perfect. Wouldn’t you know it, I manage to be involved with writing two grants, finding profit numbers, and networking the projects along the way. I did this while working with two different partners. It was fabulous. You know what the grant writing and this blog have in common? Deadlines. I work well with deadlines...I just don’t like them. Or maybe it is just that I don’t like too many of them. I am definitely liking not having the heavy commitment of the 12 days project on my shoulders, I do see though how I created my own deadline and managed to be more efficient.... Double Ugh. Finding the balance between inspiration, motivation, discrimination, perspiration, concentration, and dedication is a six sided dance, a tetrahedron of body, mind, and spirit.

Speaking of math. Here is an amazing short. A mathematical explanation for the beauty of the world. It is set to music that can be felt in the heart and has kick ass visuals. I wonder if the soundtrack is somehow based on the Fibonacci sequence? That would be the full meal deal!



I watched it over and over.... math makes sense when I watch it this way..

Day 2- I Want Some Money!!

I have been away from this blog for a while. I can tell you it feels REALLY good to not have entries looming over my head...and.... I miss it too. It is a mixed bag for sure.

Anyway I am writing a couple of grants at the moment. Well mostly I am writing one and Michael is writing another. We are looking to get some money to finance a couple of dance projects. So my writing hasn’t stopped, it just got boring.

I will write something more interesting here on the blog soon, when I am finished grant writing...I like saying that...“grant writing”. It makes me feel so grown up and sophisticated.

Day 1- The Forest is coming Alive.

Why does writing an entry today feel more scary than ever before?

An ant flew down my back as I wrote that last sentence, how creepy is that? Kinda like tonight's entry is an admission of entering into the jungle. A place where the body rules the way, in a year I now know as the year I will travel between Nelson, BC, Northern Washington, California and Central America, following the worlds of my passion, my family and dance community. This year where I will begin my training as a Soul Motion teacher, a term I know is silly, this year when the ant walked back onto my screen and reminds me that the forest is coming alive again. It is time to go close the door.



As for why the idea of writing now is scary, it is simply more naked. Now I write when I want to, and in admitting this I admit to you that I want to. From now on how honest I am is on my own terms, no score to fulfill, no rules to follow, from here it is just me...no gimmicks. Unless I come up with one by tomorrow that is.

Ahhh, an Alexi Murdoch song just came on, and I am tired. I am going now to fall asleep to his marshmallowy voice.

To all who read this...thanks for hangin out... for checking in when it was just me you were looking for.

Day 12 Easy- Easy

So this is it...the kinda end. I mean not really. I will keep blogging, at least until I decided to do something else. It won’t be every day though. I am going to try something radical and post when I am inspired to...I know crazy.

​

So thanks everyone... I know it is kinda anti climactic, what with all these “endings” and “goodbyes“, especially given not a lot will change. I do feel like I needed to mark the end somehow though...I just can’t come up with anything really good. Hmmmm....

(insert idea from Chris, and he and Michael singing to me.)

Hey how about that for a nice ending !? Here I sit on my bed, Michael is sending emails, Chris is looking at turkey hunting websites and I am writing my last entry. Life is good, life is easy, love prevails.

Love you all, enjoy the video.

Day 11 Easy- Nothing to See Here

Leadership is less about my role and more about my engagment with self and community in service of making change for the better. ~Ken Otter

Day 10 Easy- See Saw Relief

The leaves have arrived! There are flowers everywhere. Life is good!

My facebook status reads, “Bernice Raabis loves today...it is my favourite out of lots and lots of days”.

I believe my spring fever has finally broken...you can all come out of your homes now. For those of you who live where there is little or no snow and cold, I am not joking here... I go a little crazy in the spring and this was a tough one! Just ask my family and friends who put up with me for the last few weeks. Anyway all is well...it might have something to do with being past the new moon too. Whatever the cause, I am grateful.

And so in honour of spring finally giving way to the side of summer, here is a little tweaked Rumi

“You were born of pure potential.
You were born with goodness and trust,
You were born with intuition and feeling.
You were born with greatness.
You were born with wings!

You were never meant to crawl for long, by now you have mastered your legs.... It is time to awaken to your wings.

The time is now,
learn to use them,

and fly!

-Rumi and Bernice”

Day 9 Easy- The Work is the Same

“We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same.” - Carlos Castaneda

I just finished a 6 week Compassionate Communication course tonight. Michael taught the class. I learned something each and every time I went. It was not always easy. We were going through some really tough times these last 2 months. I am both proud and grateful that I stuck it out and went to all but one class, which I was in Alberta for. It couldn’t have been easy for Michael either to teach Compassionate Communication with me there in a the room, we were having such a hard time communicating then. I am proud of us both. I love us both. I am blessed to have him in my life, no matter what the future holds for us.

We had another speed bump after class. He might not be able to make an event I am putting on, I was hurt, and there was potential for it to all go sideways again...but that is not what happened. Mostly due to Michael's efforts to stay centred and grounded in love we made it through. The circumstances which presented the speed bump still exist, I don’t know what will happen there, but I do know he loves me. For now this is enough.

Thanks for everything Baby.

Oh oh and one more thing...tonight is the new moon and I was told the beginning of the lunar new year, though I am not sure in what tradition. We did a new moon ceremony to finish up Michael’s class, which was wonderful and perfect. I chose to set intentions for not only the month, like I always do on the new moon, but also for the whole year.

This new moon I set intentions for ease, abundance and adventure....and so it is!



What a year it is going to be... (BIG SMILE)

Look Mom...no journal question!! YEEHAW!

Day 8 Easy- Home sweet Home

Summer is really coming...you know how I know? We had our first wiener and marshmallow roast tonight. I came home to find Chris and our new neighbour, Seth, in the back yard with the girls, they were already into the marshmallows. We all shot the Rosy’s bow for a while (yes you read that right Ruthie, my 7 year old has her own bow, I am sure you will get a smile out of Roger with that one), and then I went for a little walk with Dixie.

I wandered over to our garage property. I call it “ours“ even though it now belongs to Seth and Katie. I never really said good bye to this land, a half acre overlooking Nelson with a view so beautiful it is still hard to believe we will never see it out the front window of our family home. See when we bought this place, 3 half acre lots, we had a whole plan of how we were going to work things.

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(This is not a great pic, and yes we NEED to fall that big mostly dead conifer, but I am sure you get the idea)

The plan was to live on the lot with the house (the house we live in now). Build on the garage property and use the other lot, which has a barn, for livestock and gardens. In the end we would sell the lot with the house and end up with our dream home and garden on one acre, 5 minutes from downtown Nelson. By selling the house and lot we lived in while building we could pay off our mortgage entirely. We would have realized a dream we set in place 10 years earlier.

Sometimes things don’t go as planned.

Our lives changed considerably. I usually say things changed “after Chris’ accident” but to be honest, our lives changed long before that, back when we lived in Pemberton. These changes did not add up to a couple who could build our dream home, at least not yet. When finances became an issue we made the tough decision to sell the garage lot, the one with the best view and building potential, we knew it was the one that would sell. As I walked around the property, drinking from Seth’s mason jar filled with pure clean mountain water untouched by an human processing, I thought about the whole new life that we had created. It doesn’t include the property I went to say good bye to tonight, what it does in include is Seth and Katie and their new baby boy. Seth helped Chris fix our roof today. He and Katie brought us dried apples for Christmas. They will bring so much more into our life than a half acre and a big building for cars. Next door is Al and Massa, who will bring even more life to our community on the mountain in 6 weeks when they have their own baby. Then there is Oma and Opa, a couple in their 80’s who know more about this mountain than anyone. And another couple who were just married...no word on kids yet. Then there are the friends, all the people who wander up here to visit and help us to create our community, and come up for a wiener roast and a warm place to crash for the night.

Chris left for a parent teacher meeting shortly after I got home, Seth left too. I am now writing, while the kids are cleaning up after dinner with Richard. They only came into the house because they finally gave up shooting the bow as the sun set...at 7:38pm!!!! It is official summer is FINALLY coming...and it is about time!

We lived a blessed life!

So this is the last journal question ever...I am feeling the pressure a little here...but it is pretty easy to just follow the flow of the entry and go with “How are you blessed? ” the final question in the final journal. 12 days journal #366

All I got to do now is finish out this commitment...4 more days... wow.

Day 7 Easy- Truth, Ease and Joy!

To sum up today I give you this very well thought out love poem.

“Roses are Red
Violets are Blue
Today I found Ease
and some Joy too.”

So why is “truth” included in today's entry title? Honesty is a funny thing, I find there are times I believe I am being honest and within a short period of time realize I was not. In tomorrows post you will read that it is the last journal question I ever had to come up with. TRUTH is I wrote it before I wrote this one.

Throughout this project I had to make rules for myself to keep this project both truthful and REALISTIC, to keep myself honest and sane. I made a rule that any time I sat down to write, I had to start with that days entry. Even if I had editing or filling in to do for days gone past, that days post being authentically motivated by the now was most important for the intergity of the project. So yesterday evening I wrote, with the intention of getting to this entry later, which never happened. So I am writing the last 3 paragraphs and the question for 12 days journal #365 today (April 14th)...today is actually the last day I will come up with a question, which is perfect since 3 years out ever 4 only have 365 days anyway. The (real last) question for today’s journal is “How truthful are you?”

I have to say I am pretty truthful, and even THEN, you will read tomorrows post and see I told an untruth and didn’t even realize it at the time. I am doing the best I can. I trust in this.