Forward

I will start this entry as I have many others by saying I had no idea when I started this project where it would lead. I am beginning to lose track of when it was “this project” began or even what I mean when I say “this project”.

It is not possible to condense what I have experienced since that surf contest in January into one entry. Geographically I have been in over 10 states and 3 countries since then. I have travelled with my family, alone and with other travellers. I have travelled by plane, collectivo, bus, taxi, foot and in the back of a pick up. I have met so many people that my eyes fill with tears and my mind spins to imagine all the beings filled with so much light that I have touched and been touched by. It has been one heck of a wild holy ride!

I can not explain in any linear fashion the events of the days since the 11th of January 2011, but I can give you some highlights.

The first that comes to mind is meeting an elder who I accepted into my heart. I made this known to him by making a tobacco offering. I have been on a spiritual path my whole life. I was quiet about it in my youth when I didn’t understand it, I couldn’t explain it to myself much less to others. As time went on though it became my way and I began to live it out loud in my every day. I called it my “solo path” before I knew that such a term existed in new age circles. I dedicated myself and trusted. Yet there were many times I longed to not be so alone. I found many to walk with for a time, some are still here nearly 18 years later but this was not enough. I wanted an elder, a guru, a person to follow and rest. On January 23rd I found him, his name is Oso Blanco.

I had written in my personal journal some months earlier that I longed to sit at the feet of my elders. What I didn’t know as I knelt before him, tobacco bowl out stretched, streams of tears spilling down my face asking him to be my elder, was that my sitting would be done from sun down to sun up on the day of his death.

Oso blanco died 3 days after we met. He died after giving me the gift of a rattle, the one I had used in his inipi. His inipi was where we sat in sweat lodge the night before he died. I sat next to him at his request because he “needed my help“. I didn’t know what this meant but knew that when the time came I would know what to do.... and I did.

That night in the inipi I held him as he shook and cried, as he begged the grandfathers to give him the strength to make it through this difficult sweat lodge. I simply petted him, like he were an old bear. He murmured “thank you” over and over again. It was one of the most intimate moments of my life.

I left the sweat lodge that evening knowing something grand was about to happen and pushing away what I suspected was coming. The next morning as we drank coffee before breakfast, just as we had every day since we met, he explained why he was giving me the rattle and why I had been entrusted with it in the inipi the night before. He explained what he saw in me, how strong my energy was, and what it was I needed to do. I felt seen in a way I never have before. He was adamant this morning that he and I go into ceremony together. He told me continually, “It will be hard on you, but it is going to be harder on me”. I trusted him and was quite frankly desperate to complete this ceremony which would break a bond which I believed at the time I could not sever on my own. He and I then went into ceremony together only it started as he began to die. I did the ceremony on my own as he transitioned into the ether. At first I pleaded with God, looked into the sky and cried “I don’t know what to do?!”. I heard a steady internal voice say. “Yes you do, you have been doing this your whole life... just go into ceremony as you always have, following what is.” ... and so I did.

Later that evening I sat at his funeral which was to last 4 nights. I was guarding the north door of the inipi which meant sitting on the ground in the cold night with his feet pressed up against my kidneys. His body had died less than 12 hours earlier, I could feel his life force still pulsing.

This was the first of 4 nights of honouring my elder, my guru, the first and only in 37 years, my whole life. He came to tell me that I am doing wonderfully all on my own. He taught me that while I AM walking a solo path, that I was doing it alongside many beautiful beings with the same commitment. He taught me about being together alone. He taught me to love myself, to trust myself, to believe in myself, to understand that there is no self, that we are all one.

There were three things I not only heard Oso Blanco say but SAW him LIVE that made me decided to choose him.

First he explained to someone as I listened that the love between a man and a womyn when both fully honour the other is the most powerful force in the world, that when we come together in love it has the power to heal the world. That those of us who know this are here to teach others who are still working to understand.

Secondly he taught that learning from ones “youngers” is as important as learning from ones “elders”. That womyn and children are to be respected in action not just words. Of course, so are the men, but that we are still dealing with a repression on Goddess nature so in this way the power imbalance is still playing out.

Third, like a true Grandfather he assured me that I am on my path, that I am doing an excellent job and that I should continue to follow it exactly as I have been. He reminded me of my own glory, that I needed nothing more than what I already had.

I left the mountains of Nayrarit after 3 days of knowing Oso blanco in life and 4 days of knowing him in death. 7 days.

The event where I met him is named 7:7:7:7. I found it on facebook through my friend Steve. I chose to attend because I had a miscarriage which lasted 7 sevens, 49 days. I follow this simple numerical symbol, trusting its importance, to a gathering in Mexico. I trusted that I was being led. This is the magic that brought me to spend 7 days with my elder, Oso Blanco... or you might just want to call him Steve, which is how I was introduced to this man who changed my life forever by reassuring me I needed no changing, that I am evolving perfectly.

Since then my many journeys have blended one into one another.

I swam at the birth place of a magical azul river , a place so sacred I believed it was heaven. On the way back to my hostel I saw a garbage pile as high as a 5 story building. It was beautiful and horrific. A swarm of birds, hundreds thick, dove en masse into this plastic sea, picking up treasures while filling the air with elated screeches. I learned that Mexico is everything it isn’t and isn’t everything it is. Mexico is a magical land of contradictions.

I travelled with a man who was patient with my devotion to seriousness and talented enough at playing that he managed to crack me open. I found FUN Bernice again!

I climbed to the top of ruins which I do not understand with my mind but could feel in my body. Their long holy lineage of both light and dark are something I know in my soul.

I travelled home to my own beloved town of Nelson with the eyes of a traveller. I stayed only 5 days and visited with many loved ones, missing many many more. In Nelson I found a place of healing. While this is not new information I was able to see through layers of the veil to better understand what “healing” actually means.

I learned from a master in a form of dance which I sometimes have to convince myself I have the ability to lead. I sat and listened to him with a beguiling mixture of emotions, respectful of his mystical waysf and frustrated at his human nature.

I slept under a full moon on the side of a mountain during the Equinox. I performed ritual under the stars. My partner used a caracol to honour the sun as it rose at day break into the same position the moon had been just hours before. I honoured the divine union of man and womyn.

I fed my eldest iguana (by accident) and pulled a scorpion off my baby’s back.

I have ridden on buses with men who take up too much room and womyn who take up too little.

I shared meals with men who shine with a new knowing and womyn who are fighting for waves in an ocean they don’t believe is their own.

I have snuggled kids who are vomiting and talked for hours with a husband who I am just getting to know... again.

I am becoming more comfortable with not always feeling comfortable.

I let go of any semblance of a physical home so I could find mine smack dab in the center of my own beautiful being... en mi corazon.

I learned that I trust Eros.

Hasta Seimpre!

Balm for my Own Sweet Self

I received an email from a male friend today, asking for relationship advice. If you are reading my friend you can exhale now, I will not share any of your story... I promise.



Having just ended a deeply loving and troublesome relationship of my own the nature of the email made my heart swell. It was the kind of email that I could imagine being sent by my past lover to a wise womyn friend, one seeking another perspective and speaking his hearts newly discovered truth. I got a little caught up in my own story, and sadness. The rejected teenager in me whined, “Why can’t my love see this?!”. Once I got over myself I realized I had been given a gift.

One of the hardest parts of this break up was how I often did not feel heard or understood. I could not find a way to convey that I could no longer accept how he was loving me and still love myself. I tried to salvage thing, we both tried, but despite our fairy tale worthy love connection it ended. We are both deeply wounded by our loss.

Now I had an opportunity to write back this friend who was saying the words I longed to hear and respond from a womyn's perspective, from my perspective, my heart felt great release. Our situations are different in many ways but the nature of human relationship is remarkably similar no matter the details. We all really want the same things, love, support, understanding, kindness, tenderness, these are fairly universal. So I took the details out and spoke from my heart. I responded to a friend, while putting balm on my own sweet self.

I know this blog is now viewed by a different audience. I saw online that it has been picked up as a travel blog in a couple of places. This entry might be really confusing as 1) it is not about geographical travel and 2) you may be thinking “Doesn’t she have a husband who she is travelling with? Did they just break up or did she just announce to the world that she had an affair?!. The answers are not exactly and no not really.

Travel happens... period. We move forward in time and space always. So while this entry does not include anything specific about Mexico it was inspired by Mexico. And my trip to Mexico is part of moving on. There is some classic advice in the Love section Elizabeth Gilbert’s book, Eat Pray Love about taking a trip to get over a lost love, I took it to heart.

To answer the second part, yes I have a husband, yes I am travelling with him and my children. No I did not have an affair. ”Affair“ insinuates that the relationship was hidden. It was not.

Chris and I have been in an open relationship for over 10 years, though in that time neither of us has had many relationships or experiences outside our marriage. It was a decision we made in order to not limit each others life experiences and potential for growth. I met Michael in July of 2009 and eventually he came to live with our family for a period of time.

During the original 12days2inspire project which was an exercise in truth and transparency, I wrote openly about the experience of living with both my lover and my husband. This blog has many many entries that challenge the status quo of relationships and marriage. I will continue to speak openly about who I am and how I live because it is just easier that way.

With what you now know (or already knew for my lovely faithful reader.. gosh I am grateful for you guys!!!) you may think I am far from an authority on relationships and you may be right. Or maybe it makes me an expert. Ask me on different days and I will give you different answers. My friend who sent me the email looking for support thought of me as someone in the know about how relationships work. I will take this as a sign that someone believes I know what I am doing... and given that my confidence is a little shaky at the moment I appreciate the vote of confidence. Thanks friend for the email today, I needed it, I hope you find some solace in my words <3

"How do you love?"

Mexico...FINALLY!

We are finally in Mexico! And it was no small feet! While waiting for our papers we did $300 damage to the camper, endured a torrential rain storm in the dessert, and Chris and I had our first real fight in months.

It was great actually. We both had so much pent up on this pressure cooker of the trip that it needed releasing. By the end we were cuddling while I cried tears which desperately needed to flow.

I have been through a lot in the last 5 months. The admission to myself that my relationship with Michael while incredible and loving was also debilitating and abusive; the pregnancy that came just weeks after the break up while I was in the midst of a painful hip injury that STILL has me grounded from performing or even dancing. Top that off with the miscarriage that lasted 49 days and then leaving my home for a 7 month journey.... and ya... I needed to let some emotions flow!

I know that conflict has to exist in a healthy growing relationship but I had become VERY shy of it. The way Michael and I dealt with it was not effective, in fact I would go so far to say it was destructive. I realized I was shying away from sharing myself with Chris because I had come to fear conflict. Well it showed up 2 nights ago when I could no longer deal with the sadness which is still seeping along with the anxiety of Ayla being in Mexico without us. She flew into Mazatlan yesterday with my mother in law, we were suppose to pick them up at the airport, but were still stuck in Tucson when they landed. My mama bear came out and so did my claws! Luckily Chris and I have almost 2 decades of experience dealing with conflict and in the end it was just what we needed.

With all the drama out of the way the Universe opened up the gates for us and Chris’s papers arrived yesterday afternoon. We set out this morning at 6 am to take full advantage of daylight hours, we are only travelling in the day for safety reasons. At the moment we are in San Carlos, Sonara.

​

WE are leaving tomorrow at 5am, so I am going to finish up my Chamomile tea and head to bed in the newly fixed camper, and dream of tomorrow night when I get to sleep in a BED!!

“What do you suppress?”

Next Chapter

It has been a while... Hi everyone.

I am in Patagonia, Arizona just miles from the Mexican border. My family and I are travelling down to Mexico to spend the winter following our bliss. I know that to say such a thing is VERY new agey. Lately I have had the desire to stick my tongue out at all things new agey. I am beginning to realize that positive-at-all-costs new age thinking takes its toll, the hard stuff doesn’t go away it just festers. None the less it is true, we ARE following our bliss, going to Mexico to just do what we want to do, to do some major healing and find whatever it is one finds in a place like Mexico.

Our plan was to cross the border yesterday, and we did, but we got turned around 20 kilometres in because of an issue with our truck registration. It is registered in my mother in laws name, which is fine, but Chris needs a birth certificate confirming that she is his mother. His wallet sized birth certificate does not have his mothers name on it, so we are now waiting for the Alberta government to courier us one which does.

The border town of Nogales Arizona where we crossed was a strip mall hell, we camped there last night in a Wal*Mart Super Centre parking lot. The place was crawling with eager Christmas shoppers in a frenzy to fulfill their Christmas hopes and dreams. I could not stand the thought of spending another minute in Nogales so we asked around and found out about Patagonia, Arizona. “A little hippy town near the border”... just like Nelson, perfect.



When this trip was in its incubation stage Chris wanted to drive all the way to Patagonia... Chile. Eventually he reconsidered because of how much driving was involved, settled on travelling just Central America. Soon the itinerary became 6 months of leisurely travel in Mexico to visit communities and understand Mayan culture. Who knew that Chris’ dream of driving to Patagonia would come to fruition within the first leg of the trip?! He is one hell of a manifester!

Patagonia is a funky little town which is populated with mostly retires and artists. It is also home to The Tree of Life Rejuvenation Centre, founded by Dr. Gabriel Cousens, expert in raw and living foods nutrition, and researcher on the natural healing of diabetes. We went to the Tree of Life Cafe for dinner last night. We had a delicious fully raw meal which cost Chris and I 10 dollars each while the kids ate for free... how great is that?! Afterwards we were invited to use the hot tub and infrared sauna. Later today we will go back to sing Kirtan, walk their labyrinth and possibly even swim in their pool. So our first obstacle has worked out pretty well for us.

Before we left home our neighbours gave us one of our two dashboard Genesha’s, a tiny statue of an elephant Hindu deity who removes obstacles. It came along with a note which read “Happy travels! Remember the obstacles ARE the journey”. It would seem that our journey is well under way!

“What is your greatest obstacle?”

Squeeze it in!

This post is kind of a cheat, but it is my blog and I make the rules!

This video was shot on December 12th, I am actually writing this entry on December 27th. I wanted to include the video because it has been one of the highlights of our trip so far.

My trip officially started on December 3rd when I flew down to LA. I stayed for a week with my soul sister Rachel and my God daughter Skylah while Chris, Lily and Rosy drove down from Nelson to pick me up. They stayed a night and then we made our way to San Diego where I met up with my friends Matthew and Mary... whose Mary you ask?

Mary Pinizzotto did project similar to mine, but instead of writing every day she danced every day. She recorded, edited and posted a dance on her blog Freebox every day for a year. Now that is commitment!

By divine organization I happened to be in San Diego (thousands of miles from my home) on the very day her project ended. Here is the dance that ended it all! Look for Matthew, Lily, Rosy, Chris and I dancing with the lovely Mary and her wonderfully supportive dance community. You are an inspiration Mary <3



“What do you do every day?”

Day 12- Please let go little one

I have not posted in over a month. I have been consumed by what is going on inside my body, which apparently wanted a baby more than I realized. The miscarriage I induced did not complete. I have been bleeding for 47 days now, waiting to pass something that is still inside me. I suspect it is my baby. I really do want another child, a son this time, but not like this. Not with this much pain. Please let go little one. Please let go body... He will come again when the time is right.

Day 11- Weeds

Praying

It doesn't have to be the blue iris,
it could be weeds in a vacant lot,
or a few small stones;

just pay attention,

then patch a few words together
and don't try to make them elaborate,
this isn't a contest ....
but the doorway into thanks,
and a silence in which another voice may speak.

-Mary Oliver



I have a friend, a gorgeous human being both inside and out, who recently said to me “I don’t really know how to go into ceremony”. I had a hard time not laughing, which would have been very inappropriate given her delicate state. This womyn knows how to go into ceremony with such beauty, focus and devotion that I kneel down in awe of her abilities as a Priestess. Not the kind of Priestess that holds gathering or facilitates groups, but an everyday Priestess who ceaselessly prays with her every action, thought and word. She KNOWS how to go into ceremony, she just don’t know that she knows.

She told me about a night when she found herself half way up a mountain DEMANDING God give her what she asked for. This is something I struggle with. I pray more in the style of “You tell me what is needed of me and I will do my very best” . I meekly ask God for things here and there but am more likely to wait to be told God’s will and see what happens. She explained to me how important it was to help God out, let him (her) know what I really want. That when the time comes when I ferociously KNOW what I need that I must actually DEMAND it! I admit to fearing wrathful spite at being so firm with God, but then remembered that I don’t believe in a wrathful God and take heed of her wise words.

So what do I want right now? I don’t know... I don’t know that to ask for. I know I want peace, but nothing more specific is percolating. Peace is in short supply these days, though turmoil is teaching me to find peace within the intensity. To find it even when there are just a tiny little pockets of it. To relish it, crawl deep inside and let it take care of me.

On the day this friend told me she didn’t know how to go into ceremony, she was dealing with the life and death cycle which plays out in the female body. She had begun to bleed at 9 weeks pregnant, she miscarried a week later. She took her baby to the river and went into ceremony to say good bye, just as I did days ago. When she told me how she and her partner honoured their child we wept together. We are sisters now in a way we could never have been without a similar grief that was shared at the same time in our lives. Our journeys were different. She is 12 years younger than I and has no children. Her pregnancy was a surprise but a welcome one, this couple was ready to share their love with a baby. I already have 3 beautiful children. My pregnancy was also a surprise and while there is deep love for this baby and between his father and I, our relationship is fraught with conflict to the point that there is no longer contact between us. I chose my miscarriage, my friend did not, regardless we are both grieving. So we took our grief and went into ceremony, we honoured our babies.

So next time you feel grief, or immense joy, or anything at all that pulls at you to be celebrated or honoured. Find some weeds and small stones, say some words, express to source what is in your heart. Know that this is prayer, this IS ceremony. No one has to show you how, there is no manual or right way to bring yourself to God... all you need is right there within you.

“How do you go into ceremony?”, because I know you do, even if you haven’t called it that before.

Day 6- For What Good?

A friend and faithful supporter of this blog asked me this on facebook:

"And where have you been? Missed u :-)"

Where I have been is trying to sort out what the hell to do with my life. I haven’t read the blog for months, I haven't thought much about it, hadn’t thought to go read it till yesterday. I didn’t find anything new which is, I suppose, because I hadn’t written and submitted anything to read ....Hmmm I wonder if there is a connection?

I am floating free. With little to hold me down I have been travelling, spending time with my precious children who definitely lost some of my focus during the project. I am enjoying the ease of not living in blog land with my partners, man did it test our relationships, things were just so out there in the open. I know I am not telling you anything you didn’t know or at least suspect. I was so deep in it though, so blind to the water in which I swam. Don’t get me wrong I wouldn’t take it back; I grew from doing this work, in ways I never would have imagined at the outset. In the end all my relationships are far better off. It is more that I didn’t see how the pace of my awakening to myself was effecting those around me, constantly getting used to my next lesson, my next entry, my next commitment, none of which they had much say in. My family is amazing, truly amazing.

Thank you Chris, Lily, Ayla, Rosy, Michael.... I want you to know I thought very hard about how to order your names and decided random was my best bet.

So where have I been? Nowhere and Everywhere. I have travelled but always close to home. I went to rehearsal yesterday. I am performing with the Arise Dance Troupe in the Finale for the Labyrinth at Shambala. Here in the Kootenays we throw Canada’s Largest Electronic Music Festival in the middle of a forest with a river running through it. I live in Heaven so I have been sticking close to home and enjoying myself.... and trying to figure out what the hell to do with my life...any ideas?


(Arrise Dance Troupe Performance at Shambala 2010)

I feel like asking a question, for old times sake.

“For what good?” is the question. It is a little vague, but that is why I like it. Ask yourself for “For what good?” and then just see where your mind goes, notice it because it means something, but don’t analyse it, just notice it. Then ask again “For what Good?”, and again and again..... after the 12th to 50th time things will get juicy. That is where you might want to start writing it down. I look forward to reading the answers :oD