September 27, 2010

Day 11- Weeds


It doesn't have to be the blue iris,
it could be weeds in a vacant lot,
or a few small stones;

just pay attention,

then patch a few words together
and don't try to make them elaborate,
this isn't a contest ....
but the doorway into thanks,
and a silence in which another voice may speak.

-Mary Oliver


I have a friend, a gorgeous human being both inside and out, who recently said to me “I don’t really know how to go into ceremony”. I had a hard time not laughing, which would have been very inappropriate given her delicate state. This womyn knows how to go into ceremony with such beauty, focus and devotion that I kneel down in awe of her abilities as a Priestess. Not the kind of Priestess that holds gathering or facilitates groups, but an everyday Priestess who ceaselessly prays with her every action, thought and word. She KNOWS how to go into ceremony, she just don’t know that she knows.

She told me about a night when she found herself half way up a mountain DEMANDING God give her what she asked for. This is something I struggle with. I pray more in the style of “You tell me what is needed of me and I will do my very best” . I meekly ask God for things here and there but am more likely to wait to be told God’s will and see what happens. She explained to me how important it was to help God out, let him (her) know what I really want. That when the time comes when I ferociously KNOW what I need that I must actually DEMAND it! I admit to fearing wrathful spite at being so firm with God, but then remembered that I don’t believe in a wrathful God and take heed of her wise words.

So what do I want right now? I don’t know... I don’t know that to ask for. I know I want peace, but nothing more specific is percolating. Peace is in short supply these days, though turmoil is teaching me to find peace within the intensity. To find it even when there are just a tiny little pockets of it. To relish it, crawl deep inside and let it take care of me.

On the day this friend told me she didn’t know how to go into ceremony, she was dealing with the life and death cycle which plays out in the female body. She had begun to bleed at 9 weeks pregnant, she miscarried a week later. She took her baby to the river and went into ceremony to say good bye, just as I did days ago. When she told me how she and her partner honoured their child we wept together. We are sisters now in a way we could never have been without a similar grief that was shared at the same time in our lives. Our journeys were different. She is 12 years younger than I and has no children. Her pregnancy was a surprise but a welcome one, this couple was ready to share their love with a baby. I already have 3 beautiful children. My pregnancy was also a surprise and while there is deep love for this baby and between his father and I, our relationship is fraught with conflict to the point that there is no longer contact between us. I chose my miscarriage, my friend did not, regardless we are both grieving. So we took our grief and went into ceremony, we honoured our babies.

So next time you feel grief, or immense joy, or anything at all that pulls at you to be celebrated or honoured. Find some weeds and small stones, say some words, express to source what is in your heart. Know that this is prayer, this IS ceremony. No one has to show you how, there is no manual or right way to bring yourself to God... all you need is right there within you.

“How do you go into ceremony?”, because I know you do, even if you haven’t called it that before.

No comments:

Post a Comment