Day 4 Sacred Space- "Tenacious Green Bits"

Today is one of those days where I have so many ideas rolling round my head. What to write about? There is the black eye that I am sporting, the one I refuse to tell anyone about (well almost everyone). There is how sweet this morning was, how Michael got the girls all ready, then drove them to school. There was the piece I was considering on the importance of having prayer, in some form, in ones life. There is a link going round facebook about how to use your five fingers to remember all who need positive attention and intention. I spent a good part of the day talking about the studio with Michael, we talked big picture stuff, shared vision and all that, then went to choose paint colours from the recycle depot, I could write about this too.

I want you to know you read a small sampling of the ideas I have for entries. I am rarely aware of what I am going to write about until I sit down at the keys, even then it often morphs. I love writing, I would have to to keep this crazy commitment I set for myself back in early April. I do whine a little when things back up I can get overwhelmed, but usually once I actually start the process of laying out the words, I get into my flow and am engrossed. I have missed dance to write before, THAT says something!

Michael and I were discussing what our workshops might look like, again it ran the gambit, from the meta level of what our key purpose is, to how many days and what time of year. I never really mentioned it today but running writer workshops is something I am really excited about. I am not sure what form they will take, I could imagine directing it at journal writing, stream of consciousness type stuff, but also really love the idea of encouraging creative writing, poetry and prose. They wouldn’t be about the technical side of things, if you are a regular reader you have likely noticed I am the pits with punctuation and likely break a whole slew of grammatical rules (sometimes I even do it on purpose, completely out of reaction to my grade 8 English teacher, who as far as I know, has never even read my blog). I probably don’t even use brackets properly! No the technical stuff will not be discussed unless some of my workshop attendees want to enlighten me. What I am interested in is helping people find the delicious nuggets that live within us all. Giving permission to write about exactly what calls, no matter how seemingly trivial. I am convinced that some of my favourite lines, from my favourite creative writings came about merely from writing about what happened to be present at the time.

“When the world falls in around you, you have pieces to pick up,
something to hold in your hands, like ticket stubs or change.”

A delicious line from So Much Happiness, a Naomi Shihab Nye poem. It seemed brilliant when I first read it, I thought “WOW! I want to come up with something as authentic as this!” Authentic.....ahhh I was on to something.

Basically I want to convey that everyone has things worth writing about, everyone. I have found that while the big things, like say living with my lover AND my husband, do make great writing, it is the little every day bits and pieces that really stir people. I have been blown away how often the simplest entries have brought the most emails and comments, often from the most unexpected of folk. Today as I walked along a mountain path by a lake, I noticed all the “tenacious green bits”, the plant life which despite the odds remains on the nearly frozen ground, still proudly showing off all the chlorophyll it has accrued. “Tenacious green bits”, now there is a delicious line waiting to happen!

Yes I love to write. Editing though...now that is another story. When there is a lag in my posting the writing is generally done, it is the editing I put off. This very post which you just read was written in less than 20 minutes, it was the editing that put me behind deadline. One day soon I will have my very own editor.

“What do you like to write about?” is written inside 12 day journal #206

Day 4 Pulpit Rock- Love and loss.

I don’t know why I still find it so amazing. How the universe always aligns to give me exactly what I need. It is amazing in a completely ordinary sort of way. The way that carrots and peas that sprout from seed are still amazing to me no matter how many times I sow them. Yesterday when I left the journal at the top of the hike asking “Tell me about something you have lost that still pulls at your heart”, I didn’t imagine I would lose something the next day. And yet I did, and now I get to answer my own question.

I woke up this morning to an email from a dear friend saying that he felt the need to remove me from his life to a certain degree. Due to what he called a “danger of slipping into compulsive behaviour”. While I understand he is taking steps towards wellness, that this has nothing to do with him not loving me, that in fact his love for me is what makes this necessary. None of this stopped me from balling my eyes out, from feeling as though I had lost something so very dear to me. This loss pulls at my heart like the moon pulls at the tides, with an ancient intensity that overwhelms. This morning I couldn’t stop crying, I hid in my bathroom “getting ready” trying to hide from my children the pattern of abandonment that was triggered. They of course knew anyway. Got ready without argument. My eldest made breakfast, my middle was eager to help me, getting me what I needed. They mothered their mother, though it all went unspoken. They knew my heart was shattered and they loved me in the way I needed in that moment. I am so very very blessed.

I know from my friends brave and tender email that he feels he has lost me. He courageously admitted that watching me blossom was too much for him to take. That he needed to take control of this loss in order to protect his heart. I understand. Understanding does not make it any easier to take.

Writing about my life has always been a salve for me, and having the opportunity to answer my own question is the beginning of healing this hurt. I feel as though I am in service for offering others the opportunity to do the same with the 12 days journals. And grateful to the universe for inspiring yesterdays question, something I thought was for others, but turned out to be for me. Within an hour I will begin my hike and go read about what others have lost. These are things which connect us all, things every human has experienced, love and loss.

Day 3 Pulpit Rock- They wrote in it!!! But first my friend Dana.

I went up to Pulpit Rock today with a dear friend. Our kids are best friends from way back. She and her girls just moved here. She has always been an inspiration to me and is one of the toughest womyn I have ever met. Most of the time I have known her she has lived without running water and other modern day “necessities”. She recently returned from Central America where she travelled by local bus with her two young children for 3 months, with very little cash and all their belongings on her back. She is a farmer, I have seen her work harder and more efficiently in a morning than I have in a week. She is sensitive and loving, all with a self admitted hard and crusty crab shell. She is feisty, sometimes to the point where I get scared of her passion (which can be seriously angry passion), but I know that despite any quarrel we might have, (which is rare) she would give me the shirt off her back, even though she needs it more than I. I love her. Today while we walked she told me something that made me ponder what it means to be strong. She told me *I* was the strongest womyn SHE had ever met. Said that what I had been through in my life amazed, and inspired her. That it was done with grace (Or maybe I added that part). There are so many different ways of expressing strength. I may not have toiled and struggled in the same ways Dana has, but she reminded me today that I have struggled and toiled in my very own distinct ways. And my secret? Well I have always been a “silver lining”, “everything happens for a reason“, ”I am given what I can handle“, ”this too shall pass“, kind of gal. I am proud of us both.

So, so, so...I was excited when I reached the top, on yet another drizzly cold day, to look in the journal I had left. At first I couldn’t find it, then I looked over the first ledge and there it was. I opened it and was delighted to find a BUNCH of people had written in it! The journal said:

”Tell me about someone, something, anything that you love“

Many children responded.

”My sister Piper and my sister Sadie, they are both so cute. I love chocolate!“

”I love all my friends and family, and my dog and cat“

”I love my fish, I love my old fish. i love the whole world. Most of all i love my family“

Made my heart sing and my eyes tear. One boy even wrote a story called The Smallest Frog, who was bullied but overcame adversity by using the skills he had learned from being the smallest ”ex-tadpole“. The adult entries included (an assumption based purely on hand writing)

”I love hockey!“

”I love my town“

”I love the clean air and a chance to dream. I love my husband and my daughter, who give me smiles everyday“

”I love life! What’s not to love. Life is what you make it. It is not about the situation you are put in but how you act and react to those situations. If you choose to love you will!“

So very very true. The following was the first entry in the journal, it read;

”My adult daughter who won’t speak to her dad. She has an eating disorder and it disrupts her whole life“

I choose to believe that being able to put this into words, at an unexpected moment, brought this womyn strength, or solace, or something else I cannot put a name to. I believe it helped her in some way. I wanted to invite people to talk about loss and grief, the necessary shadow side of love that make the light so very sweet. This inspired me to ask:

”Tell me about something in your life that you have lost that still pulls at your heart“

I can’t wait to go up again tomorrow and find out.

Day 3 Pulpit Rock- Dream doldrums

I woke up this morning after dreaming much of the night about art. In the last dream I was to FINALLY put some of my work in a gallery. When I got there to hang it, I found I had only brought two pieces. The gallery was now also being run as a warehouse discount store. There was very little space left on the walls for art. When I located some space, I took my pictures out of a plastic grocery bag to find they were very small, and not the art photos of the installations I made this year but funny family shots. The womyn in the gallery came to help me hang them and informed me I had printed them on the wrong paper so they would never sell. Finally when I went to hang them up the one that had now shrunk to a 2 inch square, got a price tag stuck to it and ruined the picture. In my dream I was frustrated, I wanted this so badly and yet my mind created so many obstacles to get in the way of my own success. This is a pattern in my life, I recognize this. I know how talented I am in many ways, specifically artistically, but I don’t put myself out there. That would be saying “I think I am good!”, “I think I am worth it!”. It is stifling, maddening.

I think I will hike Pulpit alone today. I am feeling the need for a walking meditation. My mood is brightened somewhat by the thought of reading what was written the “12 days journal” I left at the top last night. We started our way up just before 6 p.m., walking the whole way through mist and rain. The view at the top was eerie, a drop over the edge into a misty abyss. Without this 12 day commitment I would likely have never climbed to the top in these conditions, I would have waited for “better” weather and a “better“ time. As it turned out the weather was perfect, the mist made the greens of the forest other-wordly. The lighting made it all seem magical and the trail was deserted. Only 15 days into a year and I can already see how this adventure is going to change my perspective on so many levels. What a gift!

Day 2 Pulpit Rock- BLOGGING blog!!

I have almost nothing to say about the actual wonderful experiences involved in creating, executing, tweaking, fantasizing, working on this fantastic new adventure I am on...because I spent all my time tonight working on making a blog....ARRRGGGHHHH!!

It is late, my back and brain hurt and I need to go to bed so I can climb to the top of Pulpit tomorrow for the 3rd time. What I am excited about is the little journal I left at the top, inside a couple of baggies that asks the question “Tell me about someone/something/anything you Love”. I will let you know what was shared in tomorrows post. And hopefully get this blogging blog stuff all straightened out so I can begin the poetic part of this journey. Good night all! Wondrous wondrous dreams.

P.S. Before I go here is some info on Pulpit Rock