Day 9 New Friend- Housekeeping

Today feels like a housekeeping day. I have heard from a few folk about journals and have yet to put it here on the blog. So here is the skinny:

• The Open Heart Letter which was sent to Salt Lake City with 12 days journal #15 was received. My good friend Matthew said he was speechless, which while heart warming, doesn’t make for great blogging. (You know I love ya brother)
• Chris, my partner, was hand delivered an Open Heart Letter with 12 days journal #16 inside. He has sent it away to Manitoba to a dear friend who was in our wedding nearly 12 years ago (can you flippin believe that? I still feel 22 how could I have been married 12 years?!)
• I had been keeping this project a bit of a secret, slowly coming out with it. I had wanted to keep it a secret from my kids until they got their Open Heart Letter and 12 days journal #19, but yesterday My eldest let it slip that she knew about the experiment. She saw a journal in town, recognized it from the ones hangin round our house, read it, and found the website. There is no keeping secrets from a 13 year old. She didn’t however remember which journal she had seen. Bummer. Incidentally their letter and journal still sit in our mailbox, I haven’t had all 3 kids in one place all week, I want them to discover it in the mailbox together.
• Just today I FINALLY mailed the Open Heart Letter containing 12 days journal #14. It took me till now to get her address as she was off in Europe being her fabulous self.
• 12 days journal #21 which was sent to yours truly by...well yours truly, arrived today. I have not opened it yet, I want to wait until my children are asleep. I want to be alone, perhaps in a warm bath, when I open it. When I can really take in what I wrote to me just over a week ago.
• I started a facebook group where you can find out about events, and updates. You can join here.

Yesterday was the first day I came out with this project full force on facebook. It also is the day I received more views of the blog than any other. So the blog side of things is going well. I admit to getting impatient on the journal side of things though. I want for the answering of the daily question to be a big past of this. I WANT PARTICIPATION! I would love to hear from YOU! Ya you, who is reading this right now. It would be easier to be patient in waiting for the journals to return home if there was some back and forth right now about the questions being asked....SO...PLEASE use the comment section below each entry to write comments or better yet answer the daily question. I know a very important part of being able to answer freely is anonymity so I have set up this blog to allow anonymous posting if you prefer. Just don’t post anything you will regret...SPEAKING OF REGRETS....(how's that for a cheesy segue?) When I outed my eldest daughter last night on knowing all about the experiment I did so by asking her what she thought a good question would be. She came up with a great one; “Is there something in your past you would like to make amends for?” which went inside 12 days journal #30. which brings me to today’s stranger. First off I have to say...this stranger thing is hard! It wasn’t in California but has been since I got home. Like yesterday I fretted all days and just when I thought I might have to give up.....

I was in the office supply store buying journal labels when I heard an acquaintance and a TOTAL STRANGER, talking about purchasing journals, discussing which were best. I butt my nose right in and and sang the virtues of my beloved moleskine’s, the only journal I use for the 12 days journals. The womyn asked “Really? what do you use them for?”. Right there in my hand was 12 days journal #30, we chatted briefly about the project and I asked if she would take the journal. She agreed...phew! Only 3 more strangers to go...

Day 12 Open Heart Letter- A Fitting End

This entire 12 days I have had countless people I have wanted to send a letter to, but today, the last day, the last letter, I can’t come up with anyone who seems right. Don’t get me wrong, there are a likely hundreds more people who inspire me, who I would love to tell how they have made a difference, but none seem appropriate right now. As I sit here I know there is only one person I can send a letter to today, and that is me. I have done this once before, while attending the Hoffman Process. It is quite an experience to receive a letter from your self, you should try it sometime.

I inspire myself, I love who I am and I am a wonderful person. This is true even in moments, like right, now when I don’t feel inspired, when I don’t feel wonderful. Feelings are the single greatest gift that God gave us. With out them life would be a monochromatic experience, a black and white film with no story or message. Feelings can not be controlled, what we choose to do with our feelings can be, but not the feelings themselves. The thing about feelings is when experiencing an overwhelming one, it is easy to be tricked into believing it will feel like this forever. The feeling I have at THIS moment, is one I want to go away. It is painful, feels heavy as though getting out from under it would be impossible. If I really let myself go I could believe that I will never feel ease and joy ever again. Luckily I have my mind, my logic, my witness, my yippie skippy happy outlook on life, to tell me this is not true. What I will also have in about a week, when I am home from California is a letter to remind me that no feeling is forever. That they are gifts but as a life time of Birthdays’ has taught me, the gifts I get are not always the gifts I want. I may not have wanted today, but I do know that it was a gift....hmmmm.....I wonder what the return policy is?

12 days journal #21 will be mailed from Fairfax, California to Nelson, British Columbia and inside will be the question “Have you experienced a time where a situation seemed like a curse, but later you saw it was a gift?”

Day 11 Open Heart Letter - Transparency

I had an uncomfortable meeting with a friend this morning. I found I could not look into his eyes. I do this when I feel transparent. When I feel as though allowing someone to look into my eyes will translate into a complete blow by blow of every contradictory feeling coursing through my mind. This feels vulnerable. My eyes don’t lie. Which is not to say that now and then despite my best efforts I don’t lie, I just can’t do it while looking you in the eye. I passed this trait on to my eldest daughter. She is 13 and is a TERRIBLE liar. She apparently has also learned to avoid eye contact to deal with keeping some of her truth inside. She went to a party recently and as it turns out there was some alcohol consumed there, something she managed to keep secret for a week. I was a little surprised when I found out. It surprises me even more that I WAS surprised. 13 was not so long ago, I remember it quite well actually. To be honest this group of kids is FAR more responsible than the group I hung with at 13. It surprises me I realize because I am now in the role of parent. She is my little baby and while part of me looks so forward to watching her become a womyn, part of me also longs to keep that little nursing baby who thought I was all there was in the world. When I could protect her from just about anything. It gave me the illusion of control, illusions can be very comforting in a denial sort of way.

Today's letter goes out to a new mama who is still the world to her brand new little one. Yet she is also still being a mother of the pack, looking out for my not so little one. She was my eldest’ teacher until recently when she and her partner decided to have a wee one of their own. When she heard about the party where the drinking happened she found a way to talk to the group about what had gone down. Imagine that, a whole group of teens talking openly with their teacher about the goings on at a party! That is just a small insight into what an amazing rapport she has built with these young adults. She then took the time to email the parents and without even the slightest condescending word spoke frankly about her conversation with the teens, and their version of the events that night. She was supportive of everyone involved, taking side was not an issue, it is obvious that she sees no “sides”. Every child/teen who is touched by this womyn is blessed, as are their parents. We are so very blessed that she chose to follow this calling, both that of a teacher and that of a mother.

12 days journal #20 goes to 6 mile, near Nelson, British Columbia and will be delivered from Woodacre, California where I will be tomorrow. The question inside reads: “Do you feel there is something you are meant to accomplish in this lifetime?”

Day 10 Open Heart Letter- Home again

I am sitting in the Spokane airport. I am suppose to be in Marin by now, but I missed my earlier flight. As I sit here I wonder if I missed the flight on purpose, if I am delaying this trip just a few hours more. I LOVE going to California, for so many reasons. It was my sanctuary for many many months. I am completely convinced that Chris’ injury is a blessing, but there were days when it was just too overwhelming. Having another home to go to, where responsibilities were few was welcome medicine. I have had a few homes in the Bay area. At first I stayed with a dear friend out in Walnut Creek, she opened her heart and her home to me despite this not being her usual way. She tells me I made it easy. I then began to stay with another friend in Mill Valley, he recently moved to Salt Lake City, and was the recipient of 12 day Journal #16. Since October of 2008 I have stayed out in Woodacre. Woodacre is how I always imagined Northern California to be, long before I ever visited. Towering redwoods, roads wind through hodge podge neighbourhoods filled with quaint homes oozing soul. The opposite to the kitch American suburb. Trails out my back door and only an 8 minute drive to Fairfax. A full service laid back community with all the amenities I could ever want. All this was second though to the comfort of coming home to the friend who shared this space with me. It felt for a long while like I had two homes. But as is the way of the world, things change, circumstances change. Change is a good thing, I know this. I have no doubts that there are many more homes and experiences for me on the horizon. I sit here in Spokane watching people que up to board our plane to California and know I am about to go and meet this change. I am ready....kinda. I am also tired and long to know the bed I sleep in tonight, to know exactly where I am going, to be greeted by an old friend who will understand. I long to go home again.

So today in honour of “home“ I send something back to Canada to my home there. To my 3 little wonders who make my home messy, and loud and such a comfortable place to be. I love my children so very much. They amaze, astound and inspire me. I thank god everyday for choosing me to raise them, what an honour and wild ride it has been. I will be sending them 12 days journal # 19. They are only vaguely aware of the 12 days experiment. They know I have been writing in little journals, Rose has seen me drop one at the top of Pulpit rock. But I have not formally introduced them to my plans for the next 300+ days. This feels like a fun way to include them. For me it is a way to remind myself of how blessed I am to have so many places in this world where I am welcome, places that if only for a night I can call home. Not everyone is as fortunate as I am. The question in todays journal reads, ”What do you love about your home?“

Day 9 Open Heart Letter- Sweet Music

Ok I admit it. I fudged the date on this entry, I am actually writing it on day 10 of this commitment. Yesterday was crazy, every minute filled with preparation for my trip and hanging with my family who I won’t see for 7 days. And then at 11:00pm I went out with a gaggle of friends to funk it up with Brian Rosen and the What Now? They were so very on, the music was fantastic and tight. Wonderfully textured which made it a joy to dance to, so many different lines of melody and rhythm to choose from. I danced all night, with friends on the dance floor and friends on the stage. Felt like a family celebration. When the show was over we went back to their studio and jammed some more. I got home in the wee hours, exhausted and inspired. I have a deep deep love for music. More specifically I love how my body can take music in through my ears, through vibration, and translate it into endless possibilities of connected movement of celebration, giving back to the musicians. Dancing to live music always feels like a spiritual communion. At one point I had really dropped in, felt my body moving in a way it never had before, my eyes were closed and there was no where else in the world I wanted to be. I softly opened my gaze to see my friend Ty West, making magic with his guitar, we looked into each others eyes, huge smiles spreading cross our faces and shared an experience that required nothing but this music and this singular moment in time. I have wonderfully talented friends.

12 days journal #18 will be mailed to a man who inspired me with his music and his words at a time when I felt life crumbling away. My father in law was dying. My 3 children were very very close to him. My husband is an only child, his mom and I were the only family to hold him through the passing of his dad. My mother in law was losing her life partner of over 35 years. I remember having the moment where I realized that navigating the death of this man we loved, a man who had been like a father to me for 14 years, was up to me. That I had become the matriarch. I was the one who had to call the funeral home, organize the logistical matters, make the decisions. I remember feeling like a little girl,as though there was no way I could handle this awesome and sacred responsibility, and not being able to tell this to anyone. They were dealing with their own grief, they had no room for my fear. I walked into a rock and gem shop to buy some ceremonial sage for the inevitable funeral and heard the voice of an angel. At first singing, then speaking an invocation. His words were exactly the reminder of strength that I needed. I have since sung with he and his family a number of times. He spurred my deep love of Kirtan, and an even deeper love for finding the sacred in the every day. The question in this journal reads, “How has music changed your life?”

Day 6 Open Heart Letter- Who knew?

I am officially halfway through this 12 days commitment, and my goodness! Who knew it would be so much work!? Much harder than climbing hundreds of feet in a short distance. Writing to those I love and pouring out my heart has been emotionally exhausting. It is also very rewarding. A way to reflect on how incredibly blessed I am . The hardest part has been deciding who to write to. I come up with about 16 people a day that I would like to express my gratitude and appreciation for. I was thinking what a wonderful experiment it would be to commit to writing a letter everyday for 12 full months. Imagine the ripple effect of that? Especially when letters started rolling back in, filled with reciprocated love and adoration. What a wonderful high that would be. I will have to keep this in mind for my next experiment.

Today's letter is going to Salt Lake City, Utah. I am a little sad about this as this friend, having recently moved to Salt Lake City, is someone I will not see for a long while. He is not exactly happy about the move either but he IS convinced it is what is necessary at the moment. This sweet sweet man is my twin brother. He has a different set of parents, and was born 5 years (to the day) after me. But he is my twin none the less. He offers me love completely unconditionally. I have let him down, taken advantage, missed cues, and basically been a bad sister to him a number of times. Though he expresses his displeasure at my behaviour he has never removed even an iota of love. He IS love, sweet, gentle, funny, and such a wonderful dancer. I love you so my brother, thank you for loving me unconditionally, you are a model for all in your life. I suppose all that time you spent at Cafe Gratitude paid off!

12 days journal # 15 goes out into the world with the question “How do you show unconditional love in your life?” this journal question is dedicated to my wonderful friend Lindy Lou, who despite her claims to the contrary knows how to love with her whole being. I miss my time with you both.

Day 5 Open Heart Letter- Pulpit revisited

So many metaphors! After grappling all morning with how to follow my calling, how to commit. I find that the pulpit rock trail had been revamped since I was there last. I had committed to hiking it as it was. The entrance of the trail was through private property, it is steep and dusty, not very safe. Yet this didn’t stop me. Then I return once the commitment has been completed and there are the men putting in the infrastructure. No word of a lie, a stream of men in hard hats, reflective vests with pick axes thrown over their shoulders. It was all I could do to stop myself from singing out, “Hi Ho! Hi Ho! it’s off to work we go!“ The message I take from this Universal offering is to commit to what is in my heart regardless of what infrastructure or societal worth is placed there, commit, walk the path no matter it’s condition and just trust that some day soon the line of workmen will show up and build what is necessary for others to follow.

Today's letter will be sent to another friend who lives in Portland, Oregon. I found her In California a couple of years ago. She has grace and confidence and wisdom. She sought me out, could see how I was struggling with an open door, one I was afraid to walk through. She advised me to either walk through or shut it, said it didn’t matter which I chose, that it would be how I felt about my choice that would help me find the answers. I would so like to deliver this letter in person, sit in her home, talk, laugh, and leave like I always have with renewed clarity, and less judgement around who and what I am.

12 days journal # 14 is going off to Portland tomorrow with the question ”What are your greatest gifts?“, written inside. I plan to follow it soon. To go visit my sweet friend there, her and her hot tub ;o)

Day 5 Open Heart Letter- Calling

What happens when you realize your calling is something that scares you to death? I get these moments, more and more often lately, where I see it clearly, what I am meant to do. Where my strengths lie, where I can do the most good. I wish I could say it were accounting, or farming. Something with a defined label, a skill set that can be easily listed on a resume, a history not fraught with gross misunderstanding. In these moments the fear often propels me back towards denial, back into believing I have been overcome with fanciful ideas. That a degree or a certificate is the way to go, walk the path that is well worn, established, understood. Then something happens and there it is again, the clarity round what I am meant to do this time around, attached to a huge pile of self judgement. My RE-realization of my calling today comes as a result of messing up. Of entering into something lightly, ignoring the responsibility that comes with knowing. My mind is then filled with the many many famous quotes about messing up, about mistakes, about “nothing ventured”. I know this “mess up” comes as a beacon, screaming out, “Move forward!! Commit!”. I am motivated in this very moment to commit, to own what my calling is, move boldly forward. The problem? Well that would be the paralysis that overcomes me when I imagine explaining my choice to just about anyone...oh believe me there is a reason this entry is so cryptic! How do I stand in the world as I really am? And if I apply all the “advise” I might give if I were asked this question by another, I retort...“you don’t understand! This is different!” A friend today told me she felt like a caged animal...I know this feeling, I too am a caged animal. I also know the door to my cage is wide open, the only thing keeping me in here is me.

I have not decided who to write to yet today. I am going to go climb Pulpit rock...go see if I perhaps left the answer to my troubles up there.


The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one.
-Elbert Hubbard

Day 3 Open Heart Letter- Sun

Today's letter was written to a friend in Santa Barbara, California. He is the one who inspired the format for the open heart letter. I don’t know that I know him well enough to explain to you who he is or what he is like. What I CAN tell you is how he made me feel. When we spoke I felt heard, I felt he accepted me as a peer and without judgement. I felt like he was genuinely inspired to know who I was, what events, joys and calamities had shaped the me that steps out in this world. I felt safe speaking to him. I felt that he trusted me, and felt honoured by this. I felt a responsibility to treat tenderly this heart which was being offered. I may not know his stories or what he does day to day, but from our few conversations I do know that I have learned something very precious from observing the way he communicates. I believe this holds so much more than the other practicalities.

When you read this my friend I want you to know I am so inspired by the change that you are willing to BE in this world. Thank you.

“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."
-Maya Angelou

“How do you communicate in your relationships?”, is the question written inside the front page of 12 days journal #12.

I saw a wild journal today. I was sitting writing a letter and preparing 12 days journal #12, when I looked up and saw a journal sitting on a table. I was actually a little startled to see it, seemed out of context. The man sitting at the table smiled knowingly at me. He must have seen me preparing the other journal. It felt a little funny, to share a secret with this man. I remember seeing him up on Pulpit one day with a womyn who I met nearly 2 years ago. I was surfing with her when my partner sustained a head injury which still effects him and our family and likely always will. This womyn was then one of the doctors he later saw. Now her partner has one of the journals...how the world works in such interesting ways. Connections everywhere!

Day 2 Open Heart Letter- Curly Q

I have a sweet womyn in my life who I met through the dance community. She swooped into my life, scooped me up in her wings and became like a big sister to me. She loves so fully, so out there in the world, she is an inspiration for my ever so slightly guarded heart. There are times I believe old stories, that trust is something that if ventured can lead to pain. I had a belief for long time that connection to others came inevitably with disappointment, and while this is still what I believe, because it is truth, I realize I was looking at this truth from the back side. Yes loving others will eventually cause some pain, they die, go away, do or say something that we don’t understand, but what of the other side? What is life without the sweetness of friendship, of loving touch, without companionship, empathy, understanding. Love is venturing into the realm of potential hurt, but without this venture I would never have lived so fully, so juicily, so blissfully as I have. So I believe in taking the crunchy with the smooth!. I believe love is worth it all.

“What do you believe?”, is written inside the front cover of 12 days journal #11, it is flying off to Colorado. I have never been but will venture there one day soon, to find some more bliss with my big sister Curly Q.”

“One illusion cherished
and defended against truth
makes all truth meaningless
and all illusion real.
Such is the power of belief.”

Day 1 Open Heart Letter- My muse.

I have known since about halfway through the Pulpit rock 12 day commitment what I would be committing to next, but it took until today for me to know exactly how it looked. It took writing my first open heart letter to know exactly how I wanted to take this next step.

I wrote a letter to my muse today. He is part of how this whole experiment came to be. We have known each other a relatively short time, 7 months. He has inspired and challenged me in so many ways. We were going through a rough patch in our friendship when I was cleansing (the first 12 day commitment). I was throwing myself into whatever I could as a distraction. This distraction took on a life of its own and became this experiment in the ripple effect of inspiration and self discovery, so it seemed fitting that he be the first I write an open heart letter too. By open heart letter I mean putting pen to paper and just beginning to write what is in my heart in regards to that person. No editing! No need to make it prosy or even literate! Just pour the heart onto the page! For the duration of this 12 day commitment the question for the daily 12 days journal arises from the writing of this letter. The journal then goes in with the letter and is mailed. What the receiver of letter does with the journal is of course up to them, they can hike it up a mountain, leave it at a book store, fill the whole thing up and mail it back to me, whatever they are inspired to do.

Today is a special day for me. I had decided to keep this project quiet until I could feel the momentum and had all the wrinkles ironed out. In a fashion that is very “me” I decided upon a ritualistic way of releasing to the world what I am doing. When my muse receives his letter and has a chance to log into this blog and read what he has helped to inspire, I will then start telling the world.

As for you my wonderful sweet intelligent loving muse. You came up the mountain with me for the last 12 days and my heart shouted from the top how much I love you...in many many languages.

The question in side 12 days journal #10 reads, “How do you want to be loved?”