I don’t know that I can adequately explain the importance of mantra in my life. I sat in the centre of the Temple of Divine Light, here at Yasodhara, and sang mantra after mantra. There is nothing else in those moments, mantra and dance may very well be the only times when I am completely present, well actually I can think of some others, but suffice to say singing out the names of God, usually in words I don’t even understand, brings me into the Divine Light.
Yes I am at an Ashram, does it show? The thing is I am actually always this overzealous about the power of music, dance, art, touch, or anything else that lets us touch the other side, I generally just temper it in public because of the funny looks and uncomfortable pauses. Now that I am here at the Ashram, where it is all about God there is no obstacle to floating off into the expanse. There is a catch though, the Ashram is celibate. Don’t jump to conclusions! I am not thinking about having sex while here, it is more that sexuality isn’t a part of this community, at least not in a practical sense. Lately the blog and my life have been all about sexuality and my struggles with it, so what do I do? I head to the ashram! Quite the gamble.
My sense is that the dance of balance between the feminine and the masculine has been thrown in the closet, here at Yasodhara, in favour of the simple and more easily attained equal parts of both. This is not a world I would want to permanently exist in, it lacks the dynamics which create much of my growth. I have my own personal dance between the masculine and feminine going on within me, but here on the outside my focus this time round is to understand what it is like to be a man and womyn from the perspective of not only a womyn but a womyn who is committed to understanding the balance of the feminine and the masculine from within. Sound confusing? That’s because it is, it is also simple, if I listen and trust. Here at the Ashram things seem homogenous, blended, like they have been taken to with a Vita-mix blender. Nothing stands out enough to take hold of. I imagine it as an attempt to control the chaos. This is my slant on things, the outsiders perspective is both clouded and valuable.
Do you know the story of Draupadi? A character in the
Mahābhārata, companion epic to the Bhagavad Gita. Draupadi had 5 husbands, one fateful day she lay before all of them being defiled by Dushasana. Her husbands had bet her away, she pleaded with them all to save her, as she was being dragged by her hair and disrobed. She cried out to Krishna, asked him to be her husband, her God, and save her this humiliation. Krishna used his magic to make her sari endless, the attempt to shame her was unsuccessful. Drapadi didn’t blend, she did not look to control the chaos, but gave into faith, let go and began to spin in ecstatic bliss, knowing she could be free and safe at the same time. Free AND safe...sounds like paradise.
There are deity and Vedic characters round ever corner in this place. I can’t go pee without being stared at by Genesha, which does for some reason make it easier, I wonder if there is something to that? Meals are blissfully silent, I don’t have to talk to anyone really, well except for Swami Samayananda, who let me out of my Karma Yoga duties. She could see that I needed restoration more than a chance to be part of the community which I am told is one of the reasons behind Karma yoga for short term visitors.
I know I am a fish in water, because at this point I want to run away from here the next chance I get, while simultaneously wanting to stay here forever and ever. Monday is going to come too soon...or too late. I have been treated very well here, all desires to rebel aside, I am enjoying the structure of this place.
If this entry is hard to read know I am hanging out in my very vata, very airy fairy crown chakra with very little root.
“What do you do for yourself that is restorative?” is the question in
12 days journal #223
