After and After

I am still having a blog identity crisis, I am not sure what it’s purpose is.

I don’t feel called to continue the 12 day theme, but then I wonder if the title of the blog will be completely confusing? I don’t want to start a new one, you all know how to find me right here, and to be honest I have no interest in going through building a new blog or buying a new domain... BLAH!! I like to write, to share myself, I do not enjoy techie site building stuff. So until further notice I will just be posting here when I feel called to. The blog feels more like a travel blog than anything else, since this is my fodder most often. Still I can’t ignore that it is most often about me and my thoughts, it is still very personal.... We will talk about this more later, for now I have two things I want to share.

First the fun stuff. We went zip lining today! It was my first time. It was a present bought for our family by my mother in law. We are in a tourist area so when in Rome do as the touristy Romans do! I am not exactly sure what I expected of the tour but there always seems to be a heavy emphasis on getting us to into a gift shop to purchased overpriced souvenirs. I was pleasantly surprised that this was not the case at Huan Coa Canopy Adventures. In fact other than tee-shirts there was nothing to buy! The staff were super friendly and really good at their job which is really important when guiding something as potentially dangerous as zip lining. Our main guide Jonathan was great with the kids and had a quirky dry sense of humour which meant people were serious about following the rules. We had a blast and it was great to get away from the diesel fumes and hustling of the Golden Zone. If you come to do the resort thing here in Mazatlan and want to take a tour, this is the one. You can walk Old Mazatlan on your own and while we haven’t been to Isla de las Piedras (Stone Island) yet I am told it is better done by yourself. Flying above the canopy like a Crested Caracara on the other hand is most definitely not something you should attempt without guidance!

Ok Second, and this is the part of the blog which is personal, it’s time to talk weight again. I am working on streamlining the facebook side of things. I want to be able to upload lots of pictures but not have to post them here on the blog out of respect for my poor friend Katherine (HI KATH!) who may still be on archaic internet. I plan to upload pics month by month to document our travels as an amendment to what is written here.

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Last night I uploaded my first photo album of the trip and held my breath as I included a picture of me in my bathing suit. I know most womyn can relate to this. I have been body conscious my whole life, though now it has taken on a new flavour. I have never been a big person, even when I was at my biggest right after giving birth to my last two babies I was still fairly little with a lot of curves and softness. I didn’t see it this way then, I saw cellulite and folds of skin under my arms that I didn’t like. I use to say to Chris that I just didn’t feel like me.

Starting about 4 years ago I began to return to my pre-baby size. It was slow at first. Then last year when I had stopped trying to lose I shrank considerably. Eventually when my metabolism really sped up I had to work to keep weight on. I spent many a entry last year fretting, explaining, defending and pondering my weight loss.

I would like to tell you that the blog entry which brought the most traffic to my site was one where I waxed words, spread enlightening knowledge which challengd people, eventually changing their lives forever. The truth is it was the one with a shot of me in a bikini. I suspect this was because I used the words “before and after” in my tags (word which search engines search for), I will use them again and see if this one also gets hundreds of hits as well.

We live in a weight obsessed culture. I know I personally have spent more hours than I can even stomach thinking about my weight. What I never expected was the way I would be treated when I became as thin as I am today.

I still have issues with my body. Specifically it can be hard for me to feel womanly with breast as tiny as mine, especially immersed in Mexican culture where most womyn have these gorgeous curvy bodies, sexy hips and bodacious tattas! My mother in law asked me the other day if I have ever considered getting implants and suggested a surgeon. I had to leave the room to stop up my tears and avoid further painful conversation with her. Yes I KNOW I am “perfect just the way” I am, so please keep your medical referrals to yourself! Ugh

As I suspected the picture started off a flurry or comments which began with “Bernice, you look hungry” Again I cried. I replied, going into my spiel about how I eat butter and full fat yogurt, honey, and... and..... Chris gently reminded me, that I needn’t fall into the trap of explaining myself, that their comments were about themselves, their own weight issues, their projections. He encouraged me to save my energy, know what I know about me and send love to those whose path I have walked and understand well. And so with compassion for myself and others I offer this.

I am sorry. Sorry to any of you who I have judged because of your weight or body shape, no matter your size. I am sorry for the times I allowed my misunderstanding of the sacred nature of my own body to become a projection, one I made about you.

Tobias, that beautiful man who helped me create Ayla a little over 16 years ago, use to call himself a Fatist. He openly discriminated against overweight people and it use to really piss me off, partly because I judged myself as overweight. I now have been the target of discrimination based on my weight at the other end of the scale... and it hurts. I take this lesson to heart and thank all who have helped me to see that we all suffer from one form of self judgement or another. It presents itself in many forms. Under it all we want to be loved and excepted for our glorious beautiful selves and that love begins right here inside our own beautiful corazón.

I think I still want to do the question thing here on the blog... that part of the old project was really fun... so here is today's question. “What do you love about your own body?”