Day 12 Communicate- Waiting

It seems fitting that today, the last day of the communication commitment, I should finally receive a reply to a question. A written reply, a 12 days journal filled with answers to the question, “What is your definition of family?”

12 days journal #83 came home...only it didn’t really because it was actually 12 days journal #87, I had mis-numbered it. How ironic is that? That the first one to come back was mis-numberd. Gee Whiz. To add to the “what are the odds?” factor, the actual 12 days journal # 83 was in the possession of someone in the room when I discovered the mix up, I got to confirm that it had been numbered correctly...phew. This mix up partially happened because of how disorganized I have been with the the journals and entries lately...more about this tomorrow when I unveil my next commitment.

I am struck today with just what a task it is going to be to let you all know what comes back in these precious journals. This journal is filled with pressed flowers, pictures, incense, clipped poetry, it is impossible to just transcribe what has be written, the full flavour of the work put into these journals would be lost. So 12 days journal #87 will go into a shoe box until I figure out how to tackle this issue of how to best showcase the journals. I will give you a taste though, this poem was inside 12 days journal # 87, a poem written by Timothy Shay, the man who filled the entire journal. Thank you Timothy for participating and for writing such inspirational and thought provoking word.

Searching for Old

searching for old grandma
as hidden as spore
for her tombstone
through island rain
in green with two daffodils

being careful as a priest
not stepping on a single grave

stooping in the granite garden
in focus for grandma under
asleep and motionless
as bones or sand

dancing among dewworms
smooth creatures of dust
the curly lawn stiff
in made up manicure

grandma is your name
engraved on tree root here
or carried
by conquistador wind
dandelion warrior
from this meadow
a yellow unbroken hillside

grandma our fleshy lives shatter
as dreams or fire baked granite

-Timothy Shay

The rest of the journal will come later, once I have to decide just how to do this. Todays question which lives in 12 days journal #105 is “What have you been waiting for?”

Day 11 Communicate- What did you say?

Two conversations from this morning:

Bernice: “Were you doing yoga?”
Michael: ”Do I want a coconut?“

Michael in regards to Rosy’s pyjamas: ”Those look like little rabbits!“
Chris, shouts from the other room, believing he heard ”Raabis“ instead of ”rabbits“ : ”WHAT?“

Probably the most common break down in human communication is when someone says one thing while someone else hears another. These two examples from this morning are comical, they led to laughter. Often times though hearing something different than what is said causes pain, confusion and anger. Ever had a conversation like this?

Person 1: ”I don’t want to talk to you anymore, I am too angry!”
Person 2: “Ya well you make me angry too!”

Person 1 didn’t say person 2 ”made“ them angry, only that they were angry. Person 2 heard an accusation, a laying of blame, when it wasn’t spoken . It could very well be what person 1 does believe that person 2 ”made“ her angry, but this wasn’t what she said.

Saying what I really mean when I am angry can be difficult for me, hearing what another person really says when I am angry, can be even more so; I often hear things that were not said.

”When do you get angry?“ is the question in the front cover of 12 days journal #104

Day 9 Communicate- Habit

Ack....so much time communicating, in this commitment and the last, has meant falling behind on the blog. It is becoming a habit. A habitual pattern that I do not want to continue repeating yet I am. “What are your habits?” is the question in 12 days journal 102. I would like to write a great entry all about habits and patterns, how they get in the way of communication, but this habit of mine has translated into me sitting here with 2 more entries to write and a bunch of journals to make. My habit is getting in the way of me communicating with you the way I want to. Today’s entry is an example rather than an explanation. So from here on there will be no more insightful words, just the facts.

I have given away 6 journals today:

Jesse Lee got 12 days journal #95, “What are you addicted to?”. He told me had found another of my journals, he drew a picture in it, which is now his facebook profile pic.


Chris got another journal. 12 days journal #86, “How do you stay centred when life gets hectic?”

Kelly is a part of our family and so as I was passing out journals to love ones it was time I gave her one too. She got 12 days journal #80, “What special talent/light/gift do you share with the world, making it a richer place?”

My poet friend, Timothy, got 12 days journal #87, “What is your definition of family?“

Erin, the dancing goddess of commitment got 12 days journal# 98, “Who do you feel safe to share your deepest despair with? Why?”

And Finally I gave one to my dear dear love Richardo. Really I hardly know Richardo, we met in California, I recognized him, at Harbin Hot-springs, as the beyond gorgeous god of a man I would often drool over at Oso Negro back in Nelson. We spent an evening together, he introduced me to another friend, Tal, who had a profound effect on my life. Richardo and I see each other here in Nelson now and then, and although we only speak rarely, I love him, deeply, words are not always necessary. Richardo got 12 days journal #89, “How honest is/was your relationship with your parents?“ Ok this paragraph was a tiny bit insightful after all.

Day 8 Communicate- Out of the Way

Difficult conversations....ugh. Communication can be tough at the best of times, add a racing heart, triggered emotions, in not only myself but also in the people I am attempting to share with, and things can get intense! Today I let slip something that I didn’t mean to, something I had been asked to hold in trust. I misunderstood the progression of the conversation, thought the information had already been shared, and subsequently unveiled what was still being held close. This was the catalyst for a heated discussion which ended in tears in one, anger and accusations in the other, both left. I was left, as the dust settled, going over what had transpired, realizing my slip. Ugh.

So what now? Running away felt like a good option in the moment, but not a great long term strategy. I want these two to be my friends for a good long time, and have hopes that they will see their way back to friendship. How could I fix this?!

See, my thing is I often feel responsible for others feelings, I am addicted to caretaking. It is true; My name is Bernice, and I am a caretaker. I engaged in my habitual pattern of caretaking in deciding it was my responsibility to sort this whole debacle out; since I catalysed it, I had to un- catalyse. Problem is this does not give these two friends much credit that, as fully functional adults, THEY can sort out what happened between THEM. As it turns out, miracle of miracles, this is exactly what they did. Each owned their part, one that she was projecting “her shit”, the other that, bit by bit, she needs opportunities to speak her painful truth. My babysitting was not necessary. Sometimes the best way of communicating is simply staying out of the way. THIS is something I am working on.

“Was there a time when you involved yourself in something when it might have been better to leave it for others to sort out?“ is the long winded question in 12 days journal #101

Day 7 Communicate- Celebration

Today 12 days journal # 100 is going in to the world today. I think this calls for a celebration!

To celebrate clear open communication, I am going to use the tool of asking for what I want. What I want is a reduction in work load from this project, to get a break and to catch up. I am going to satisfy this want by taking the day off of blogging! A day off to celebrate 100 journals out there in the world!

“How do you like to celebrate?” is today’s question.

Day 6 Communicate- Needs

I woke up this morning to a Oregon State Trooper pulling up behind our parked vehicle. We spent the night sleeping at a rest stop, we do this often when on the road, my kids probably think rest stops are campgrounds. We were parked in an area where we were not suppose to, we did this because there was less light and noise over in this tucked away corner. I was wearing very little, we are driving through the desert, the nights have been hot and due to mosquitos we can’t crack the windows, by morning we are sleeping in a sauna! Despite having spent a lot of time around Police, there is still an element of fear that comes right to the surface when I am approached by an officer. I became instantly aware of how much skin I had showing, grabbed something that would cover more of me, and threw it on, then got out of the truck.

Officer McCool, said “Good morning” as I, still groggy from sleep, pulled nervously at my clothing. He then got straight to the point:

“Can I ask why you are parked over here and not over in the rest stop area?“

”It was just so noisy over there last night, with all those trucks running, so we moved over here.“

”Oh it was really noisy? Ok that makes sense. This is area where you are is not a good place to park, it prevents the trucks from being able to get out, this is the reason for the no parking signs.“

”Oh ok, I understand, we are going to leave right away.“

”OK, great, Thank you, Have a good day.“

”Thank you officer, you too.“

That was it. Smooth, trouble free, easy. Just two people working out an issue. I thought back over the conversation, and all the things that made it go this way. First, Officer McCool, said ”Good morning“ before proceeding to ASK why I had made the choice I had. He gave me an opportunity to explain, before launching into the rules and regulations. Then he acknowledged the validity of the reasons for my choice. Then it was my turn to be accommodating. Officer McCool has a job to do, if I can facilitate making this job easier without giving up something important to me, then there is nothing lost, and for us both some ease gained. The truth is the trucks were having no problem getting past us, I could have brought this up. It was likely one of the truckers who called our infraction in, someone else upset at the breaking of a rule which they felt was effecting them. It is officer McCools’s job to honour that someone else is taking issue with our choice to ignore this rule. Rather than begin an argument about whether or not the trucks could get through, I just accepted that this officer had a need to uphold the rules, I came up with a solution that worked for us both. This doesn’t mean I said ”I have done something terrible and should be punished.“ or on the flip side, ”That is bullshit the trucks can easily get through!“, all I had to acknowledge was that I understood where he was coming from, we were about to leave anyway, our day was not effected. The conversation ended with mutual good wishings, and was done.

I was originally afraid and understand my reaction. The police have a long history, much of which is scrutinized when they are perceived to have done the wrong thing. I do acknowledge that there is a power imbalance and therefore a fear reaction is somewhat warranted. But I wasn’t dealing with just the ”Police“ I was dealing with a man. Likely one with a family, who loves and desires many of the same things I do. He more than likely had no desire to power trip on me. He more than likely desires ease and harmony most of the time. We are just two human both with needs. He communicated well with me, I communicated well with him, an we both got our needs met. Imagine that.

”What are the common threads that unite us all as humans?“ is the question in 12 days journal #99

Day 5 Communicate- More Mary

Wild Geese

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting —
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.
- Mary Oliver

The line “Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine. Meanwhile the world goes on.” speaks of my experience today.

Michael and I are finally on our way home. I have spent exactly two days in my own home town since June 13th, it is time to re-root. As we drove for hours and hours, we talked about our lives. I remember hearing once that if you really want to know if you are compatible with someone, you should take a road trip together. Well today makes 18 days on the road, living, working and growing together, it would seem we are compatible. Getting to know each other has been like peeling layers from an onion. As we tell each other our stories, there is a definite order to things. The layers closest to our hearts and sometimes closest to our shame and despair are some of the last to be peeled.

My teacher Soto once said “Every humans deepest desire is to be seen, while every humans deepest fear is to be seen”. The despair that every one of us holds down in our core, stories of childhood, remorse, shame, deep trauma, abandonment, the list of the human condition, are often what we are afraid to share, and yet at the same time these are things that connect us, we all have these stories. The stories may differ in content, for one it may be being neglected as a child, for another being a loner at school, the core of both is abandonment, questions of worth, and anger at not having needs met. These deep layers that take time to reach, and courage to peel, are what allow us to overcome the fear of being truly seen, accept that we are not alone.

I encourage you to find a trusted friend, and be present and supportive for their peeling, and when you feel safe begin to peel some of your own. When shame and hurt see the light of day in a supportive environment, they have a way of transforming, sometimes even melting. This is called growth.

“Who do you feel safe to share your deepest despair with? Why?” is the question in 12 days journal #98

Day 4 Communicate- Unveiled

My friend KD enacted her self portrait performance yesterday at school, a dress rehearsal for a performance she will unveil at Kuli Mela. Her audience will be 1000 of her brothers and sisters. KD was raised within the Hari Krishna movement. She lived a good part of her life in segregated ashrams, away from her parents. Her community brothers and sisters were and are her family. Her self portrait performance is moving, raw, and blatantly truthful. Her intention is to stand in front of her community, and speak about her truth. A truth shared by many, one they have collectively and non- verbally agreed to not speak about; the opposite of clear, open and honest communication.

In her performance she removes her clothes, she exposes the use of drugs in her culture, the covert nature of forbidden sexuality; and will do so within a 15 minute spot on stage in L.A. next week; her entire community as her witness. Brave doesn’t even begin to describe my friend KD.

I am moved to think of myself, of my return home, of standing naked in my truth, in front of my community. It is time.

“How well does your community know you?” is the question in 12 days journal #97

Day 3 Communicate- 3 level check

Talking to ones self is usually thought to be a sign of insanity. When a person walks in public muttering to their other self, people generally move to the other side of the street. Certainly verbal ranting to oneself in public is not usually healthy, but communication with ones self is imperative to being able to communicate with others.

I cannot effectively communicate with others in my life if I have no idea what is really going on for me. If I am feeling strained physically, tired, hungry or in pain, but am not conscious of it, it effects how I am relating. Have you ever had an experience where you were trying to explain something to someone, and were feeling irritated. Then decided this was because that other person was “being difficult”, only to realize that you have to pee? That it is actually your own irritation which you are picking up on, not theirs. I have done this many times. I have also experienced feeling something on an emotional level, frustrated, sad, angry, but was not conscious of it, then had a conversation with another and confused the existing emotion with a new one, one elicited from the present exchange. The other level is the mental, when I have a list of things to do, and a whole bunch of stories and ideas running round my mind, with no room for anything more, I will sometimes snap when asked a question, not dealing well because I am unaware that my brain has hit capacity.

At Tamalpa, where I go to school, I have learned a very simple tool for dealing with this. It is called a three level check in. A self care tool to check in with me, to ask myself where I am at physically, emotionally, and mentally.

The answers to the what am I noticing on a physical level involve physical sensations on the inside and out side of my body. I am feeling grittiness in my eyes, or a warmth in my stomach or a tickle in my throat are all good examples.

The answers to how I am feeling emotionally involve only the emotion, sad, content, excited. What is not included is the story behind that emotion, this is left for the mental check in, which is all about what thoughts and ideas are driving our physical and emotional feelings.

Try this sometime, perhaps right before a conversation with a friend. See what a difference is made in the communication when you have taken care of communicating with yourself first.

“How are you feeling physically and emotionally?” is the question in 12 days journal #96

Day 2 Communicate- Addiction

The Journey

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice --
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do --
determined to save
the only life you could save.
~ Mary Oliver ~

What happens when communicating honestly and openly is not met with the same? What happens when stepping up is not met with stepping up, but sitting down, with resolve, and resignation, with accusations of resentment rather than admissions of personal responsibility?

Have you ever had to let go of something you loved because it was just not good for you anymore? “What are you addicted to?“ is the question in 12 days journal #95

Day 1 Communicate- Non-Violence

Brief History of Non-Violent Communication

Growing up in an inner–city Detroit neighborhood Marshall Rosenberg was confronted daily with various forms of violence. Wanting to learn what he could about the causes of violence and what could be done to reduce violence he chose to study clinical psychology and received his Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from the University of Wisconsin.

In addition to his studies in Clinical Psychology, he also studied comparative religions, the lives of peacemakers throughout history, and other research to identify what human learning contributes to violence and what human learning contributes to compassionate giving and receiving. From his research, he identified thinking, language, communication skills and means of influence that reduced violence and supported compassionate relationships. He integrated what he learned into a process he named Nonviolent Communication.

Offering Nonviolent Communication to others and seeing how it empowered people to create change nonviolently and its to contribute to compassionate ways of living, he founded the Center for Nonviolent Communication. Marshall and members of the Center for Nonviolent Communication organized and trained teams of people in the following countries to apply Nonviolent Communication where it can best support compassionate ways of resolving conflicts and fulfilling the needs of all.

The Center for Nonviolent Communication now has more than 200 people certified to offer the training in these countries. In addition to people developing the process with the help of certified trainers, thousands of people around the world receive it from friends and family members whose lives have been enriched by it fulfilling the adage, “Each one teach one.”


“How do you communicate?“ is the question in 12 days journal #94

I am going to communicate this very clearly and concisely. I NEED SLEEP! I am going to bed. Goodnight!

Day 3 Open Heart Letter- Sun

Today's letter was written to a friend in Santa Barbara, California. He is the one who inspired the format for the open heart letter. I don’t know that I know him well enough to explain to you who he is or what he is like. What I CAN tell you is how he made me feel. When we spoke I felt heard, I felt he accepted me as a peer and without judgement. I felt like he was genuinely inspired to know who I was, what events, joys and calamities had shaped the me that steps out in this world. I felt safe speaking to him. I felt that he trusted me, and felt honoured by this. I felt a responsibility to treat tenderly this heart which was being offered. I may not know his stories or what he does day to day, but from our few conversations I do know that I have learned something very precious from observing the way he communicates. I believe this holds so much more than the other practicalities.

When you read this my friend I want you to know I am so inspired by the change that you are willing to BE in this world. Thank you.

“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."
-Maya Angelou

“How do you communicate in your relationships?”, is the question written inside the front page of 12 days journal #12.

I saw a wild journal today. I was sitting writing a letter and preparing 12 days journal #12, when I looked up and saw a journal sitting on a table. I was actually a little startled to see it, seemed out of context. The man sitting at the table smiled knowingly at me. He must have seen me preparing the other journal. It felt a little funny, to share a secret with this man. I remember seeing him up on Pulpit one day with a womyn who I met nearly 2 years ago. I was surfing with her when my partner sustained a head injury which still effects him and our family and likely always will. This womyn was then one of the doctors he later saw. Now her partner has one of the journals...how the world works in such interesting ways. Connections everywhere!