Day 8 Asking For Help- Waiting Game

I don’t even know where to begin. Writing seems next to impossible as I float ‘round this bliss bubble. I danced with The L.O.V.E Collective last night. They managed to create a safe container in which to explore a variety of emotions, including some not generally accepted on a dance floor. We danced filled with joy, then screamed out in anger. There were moments of confusion and moments of cohesive group movement. All this was created without a leader, no one dictating movements or choreographed steps. The collective created an atmosphere, guided and held space seamlessly. Their love, trust, and honouring of each other was palpable. Having not experienced a full buffet of dance tribe members in nearly a month, it was a gift to be caught up in movement, in a room filled with community, feeling safe in pushing boundaries... it was a pretty gosh darn good time.

I spoke afterwards with the groups big brother member. A co-creator who rejects the label “leader”, acknowledging that this group is far greater than the sum of its talented,visionary,compassionate parts. He gave me the question “What do you want?” for 12 days journal #53. A broad question with a medley of possibilities, an invitation for juicy and rich answers. His answer were spoken to me, not emailed, so I will have to repeat them as best as I can. It went something like:

“I made a list, a literal list, had a friend write it out for me. I asked for a connection, a deep soul connection with a partner, who understands my capacity for limitless love. I want to connect with a womyn who is not afraid to stand in her own power, who is ready to take on motherhood. I want to find a community, a family who accepts my non traditional ideas. I want communication to take a lead role in this community. A community who is passionate about empathy...“

The list went on.

I have heard arguments both for and against ”the list“. Some say it is too narrow minded, others say it is imperative to be specific when asking the universe to fulfill your desires. I was not entering into this debate. I was too rapt, enthralled by a man who speaks passionately about calling in the love he desires, unabashed, no apologies. Committed to commitment, to finding a family that fits him rather than fitting himself into the popular notion of family. A man who was willing to ask ”what do you want?“ and would accept any answer, whether it was on a metta level or an answer regarding what I wanted in my coffee.

So what did I want last night? I wanted the conversation to last forever. I had sent out a sort of list. Not on paper, but I asked God for someone to have a deep soul connection with, someone to talk to who would understand my mother tongue. I asked for a dancer. I felt him circling all day, got the familiar head ache which often accompanies shifts in my life. This new friend, is someone who I bonded with the minute I walked into the dance space. I had no idea he was part of the collective, I just saw him and knew we would be friends. We spoke for hours after the dance, and today sat close at coffee with my children. Rose asked if I had known him a long time. I explained to her that he was part of the extended ecstatic dance tribe, that when we meet each other there is a knowing, a language spoken with the body through movement. Yes she is 6, and maybe didn’t ”get“ this in it’s totality, but understood it well enough. Michael is leaving tomorrow, the L.O.V.E collective is on their way to Alberta, and is touring ‘round for the summer. Thank you all for what you brought to our community.

I will see you soon Michael.

Picture of our crew at coffee this morning. There were three journal recipients at the table. Anthony with #50, Michael with #21 (I hadn’t made #53 for this entry yet so instead I gave him the journal I sent to myself from California), and Dan with #52.

Day 9 New Friend- Housekeeping

Today feels like a housekeeping day. I have heard from a few folk about journals and have yet to put it here on the blog. So here is the skinny:

• The Open Heart Letter which was sent to Salt Lake City with 12 days journal #15 was received. My good friend Matthew said he was speechless, which while heart warming, doesn’t make for great blogging. (You know I love ya brother)
• Chris, my partner, was hand delivered an Open Heart Letter with 12 days journal #16 inside. He has sent it away to Manitoba to a dear friend who was in our wedding nearly 12 years ago (can you flippin believe that? I still feel 22 how could I have been married 12 years?!)
• I had been keeping this project a bit of a secret, slowly coming out with it. I had wanted to keep it a secret from my kids until they got their Open Heart Letter and 12 days journal #19, but yesterday My eldest let it slip that she knew about the experiment. She saw a journal in town, recognized it from the ones hangin round our house, read it, and found the website. There is no keeping secrets from a 13 year old. She didn’t however remember which journal she had seen. Bummer. Incidentally their letter and journal still sit in our mailbox, I haven’t had all 3 kids in one place all week, I want them to discover it in the mailbox together.
• Just today I FINALLY mailed the Open Heart Letter containing 12 days journal #14. It took me till now to get her address as she was off in Europe being her fabulous self.
• 12 days journal #21 which was sent to yours truly by...well yours truly, arrived today. I have not opened it yet, I want to wait until my children are asleep. I want to be alone, perhaps in a warm bath, when I open it. When I can really take in what I wrote to me just over a week ago.
• I started a facebook group where you can find out about events, and updates. You can join here.

Yesterday was the first day I came out with this project full force on facebook. It also is the day I received more views of the blog than any other. So the blog side of things is going well. I admit to getting impatient on the journal side of things though. I want for the answering of the daily question to be a big past of this. I WANT PARTICIPATION! I would love to hear from YOU! Ya you, who is reading this right now. It would be easier to be patient in waiting for the journals to return home if there was some back and forth right now about the questions being asked....SO...PLEASE use the comment section below each entry to write comments or better yet answer the daily question. I know a very important part of being able to answer freely is anonymity so I have set up this blog to allow anonymous posting if you prefer. Just don’t post anything you will regret...SPEAKING OF REGRETS....(how's that for a cheesy segue?) When I outed my eldest daughter last night on knowing all about the experiment I did so by asking her what she thought a good question would be. She came up with a great one; “Is there something in your past you would like to make amends for?” which went inside 12 days journal #30. which brings me to today’s stranger. First off I have to say...this stranger thing is hard! It wasn’t in California but has been since I got home. Like yesterday I fretted all days and just when I thought I might have to give up.....

I was in the office supply store buying journal labels when I heard an acquaintance and a TOTAL STRANGER, talking about purchasing journals, discussing which were best. I butt my nose right in and and sang the virtues of my beloved moleskine’s, the only journal I use for the 12 days journals. The womyn asked “Really? what do you use them for?”. Right there in my hand was 12 days journal #30, we chatted briefly about the project and I asked if she would take the journal. She agreed...phew! Only 3 more strangers to go...

Day 12 Open Heart Letter- A Fitting End

This entire 12 days I have had countless people I have wanted to send a letter to, but today, the last day, the last letter, I can’t come up with anyone who seems right. Don’t get me wrong, there are a likely hundreds more people who inspire me, who I would love to tell how they have made a difference, but none seem appropriate right now. As I sit here I know there is only one person I can send a letter to today, and that is me. I have done this once before, while attending the Hoffman Process. It is quite an experience to receive a letter from your self, you should try it sometime.

I inspire myself, I love who I am and I am a wonderful person. This is true even in moments, like right, now when I don’t feel inspired, when I don’t feel wonderful. Feelings are the single greatest gift that God gave us. With out them life would be a monochromatic experience, a black and white film with no story or message. Feelings can not be controlled, what we choose to do with our feelings can be, but not the feelings themselves. The thing about feelings is when experiencing an overwhelming one, it is easy to be tricked into believing it will feel like this forever. The feeling I have at THIS moment, is one I want to go away. It is painful, feels heavy as though getting out from under it would be impossible. If I really let myself go I could believe that I will never feel ease and joy ever again. Luckily I have my mind, my logic, my witness, my yippie skippy happy outlook on life, to tell me this is not true. What I will also have in about a week, when I am home from California is a letter to remind me that no feeling is forever. That they are gifts but as a life time of Birthdays’ has taught me, the gifts I get are not always the gifts I want. I may not have wanted today, but I do know that it was a gift....hmmmm.....I wonder what the return policy is?

12 days journal #21 will be mailed from Fairfax, California to Nelson, British Columbia and inside will be the question “Have you experienced a time where a situation seemed like a curse, but later you saw it was a gift?”