Day and Night, Noche y Día

It is New Years Day... in the wee hours. I can’t sleep.

I had a wonderful time with my family in Old Mazatlan. There were people dancing in the streets, the Plazuela Machado was filled with hundreds of Mexican families dressed in their finest to celebrate.



I was there most of the time. Some of it though I was off in the past remembering last New Years.

This day last year fell on a full and blue moon, a celestial celebration! That night Ayla and I danced while Michael drummed in the New Year of 2010... what a year it was! While the Eve was a delicious one to remember, New Years Day was an unexpected day of mourning. Anniversaries can sneak up.

I sat in the hot tub earlier today. I felt so alone despite being surrounded by hordes of people. I was the only English speaker, I am getting to experiencing how isolating this can be. It was more than that though. I felt just awful. Eventually I clawed my way through the gloominess and put into play some of what I learned in 2010. I closed my eyes and felt into what was going on inside. I didn’t try to push any of it away, rationalize it or explain it. I didn’t go into stories or judge myself for what I was feeling... I just let it float up to the top to make it conscious.

And once I did, well...no wonder felt so horrible! I found serious self doubt. Fear of my life returning to a way it had been in the past, a way I was deeply frightened of repeating. I found a fear of losing control of my body, either gaining or losing weight again and not being able to stop it. I had deep tragic thoughts of not being enough. Again the idea of my breasts being not enough to make me a womyn. I found fear of not being loved the way I want to be and under it all I felt a deep fear of loss.... yes there was a deep fear that I had lost something dear to me.

I reminded myself that the moon was just coming new, a natural time of self doubt especially for womyn. I reminded myself that these feelings would pass, that the stories I had attached to them were there so I would pay attention, these feelings were acting out because they wanted understanding. I coached myself to keep perspective, not let my fear create a downward spiral, especially on this night when there was a huge fiesta planned. My moon is due in a few days, maybe I am just experiencing pre moon sadness? But where was I to put my focus and self love. There was something so deep that I could quite figure out...

And there is was, an anniversary that I had forgotten came to the surface. I lost a baby, one I didn’t even know I was pregnant with until it was all over. It happened on New Years Day 2010, it was the first of two lost last year.

The rhythms of life, the cycles that orchestrate all things from our smallest cells to the furthest planets, are always at play. We all have our place in these spirals and they can not be escaped. I imagined that maybe being this far away from the frozen ice and snow, I might have been able to trick my body into passing this anniversary over. But the body remembers, my body remembered. Eventually my mind finally did too, and though it is painful I am grateful. Knowing the root of my murky mood, making it conscious and then letting myself mourn the loss (again) allowed me to move through the grief with grace. Loss needs grief. It needs to be felt as grief and so it can become praise. All that is beautiful dies and to honour it with grief is to sing praises to God. This was taught to me by a friend last year. I had to learn it many times to really get it.

Knowing where this pain was coming from I could NOW rationalize, see clearly that I will not go back to a past I fear, the idea is actually absurd. I am enough and God knows this, only I ever doubt it. My body being controlled is what brought me the pain in the first place! I can let go of wanting to control this beautiful body of mine and let it flourish. I am enough. I am enough. I am enough.

By the time we were counting in 2011 I was happy, dancing in the streets with my girls. Though the loss was still with me, I will never get to dance with the baby who flew away January 1st 2010. I love all my babies, those who dance in the streets and those who dance in the ether.

2010 was certainly a fertile year for me. I am so very excited to see what 2011 will bring.

Feliz Año Nuevo Everyone!

“What did you learn last year that really sticks out?”