Day 7 One on One- Gifts

In my experience saying good-bye is always easier when there is ritual involved. When Rosy drops me at the Spokane airport to go to school we have a ritual. There is a walk way going up to security, over it is a big sign that says “Passengers Only Beyond this Point”. Rose has always liked to push boundaries, a trait she may have inherited from her mother. We have this game where she walks with me until we are just below this sign, then she quickly kisses me and runs back to her dad. This ritual makes the good-bye something she can predict, something she has a modicum of control over, it makes saying good-bye to her mama easier. For this reason I saved up most of the journals since the last time I gave them out in a cluster at Esalen. I learned that they can be used as parting gifs, to give exits meaning and closure. Some of the give aways here at camp were purposeful, I planned to give a journal to Karina for instance, but most were random, and this made them delicious!

Chris has helped me so much with this project, has been so supportive. I wanted him to share in the good-bye ritual, so I asked him to give one away. He gave it to his new friend Julie. Julie fell in love with Chris, and Chris with Julie. We met her on Friday night when she asked around if anyone wanted to join her in ushering in Shabas, the Jewish day of rest. She said there was no need to be Jewish. We are of course suckers for ritual, so we accepted, broke bread, drank sacramental lemonade and sang in Hebrew together.

As I was making up journals I overheard two men speaking about a workshop at Esalen. Something about a womyn who encourages creative journal writing as a method of documenting ones life and does this by giving people pertinent open ended questions. How could I NOT give them journals?! It was funny one, of the men was a little reluctant, and didn’t want his name put inside the front cover. The other was overwhelmed, and excited. They were the first to pick their journals, at this point I had an abundance, so I splay them out like tarot cards and had them choose randomly. They both seemed to like their question.

Next came Shankar, a lovely man I had danced with many times during my stay at camp. He always noticed where I was at energetically, and would comment and offer encouragement. He asked how we could keep in contact. I gave him a journal and asked him to email me. He was delighted and promised to be in touch.

I had to move before I was finished creating all the journals, the organizers were trying to break camp and I was in the way. I moved down to where Daniel was playing his guitar. Daniel taught Contact Improv, and had the ability to keep us on task in gentle and creative ways. Not an easy job with us free spirited dancer types. When I was writing my entry 3 days ago my mind kept wandering to him, I can not tell you why, only that it did. Today when I sat down next to him, I had two journals left to give away, I didn’t look to see which. He asked what I was doing, I told him and asked if he would participate. I told him how he had been on my mind while I created one of my entries, that because of this I had been wanting to give him one. He happily accepted. I offered him the tarot style of choosing, or said he could read the questions. He was clear he wanted to read the questions to decide. He did, and said something like, “Oh ya, this is the one that I am struggling with right now, this is the one I need”. I loved that the question spoke to him and on a hunch asked which he had chosen. I am sure you can guess which one it was. Amazing.

Along came Brad who asked outright with much curiosity what I was doing. Wanted to know all about it. Asked me to explain it as I would to a colleague. I was a little stumped by this, wondered, who are my colleagues? Brad got the last journal I had to give away, well kind of.

I came up with the idea for this entry before I wrote it. I so enjoy giving away the journals, these precious gifts which people love to receive. I hastily typed an outline for what you have just read, and wrote the following at the end:

“What is the best gift you have ever given?”

12 days journal #76

I quickly made up one last journal and hurried over to the final boogie and closing circle for Summer Dance Camp 2009. Earlier in the day, just as I began to make journals, a womyn asked about them. I had met her earlier in the week, at the time we were separated by quarantine tape. She caught the infamous stomach flu that rocked dance camp this year and had spent the last 48 hours holed away from the rest of us dancers. As we sat at breakfast it was obvious she was still not feeling 100%, she told of how she had been shaken by the experience of bonding with her fellow campers only to be cast out. I was imagining it as she shared, the story pulled at my heart so much, I knew I wanted to give her a journal. I found her on the beach, watching the crowd gyrate to high tempo tunes. She sat in the shade, under an orange brimmed hat. I saw her get up and I went over worried she might be leaving, and I would miss my chance. I asked her if she would accept the journal. “Really?”, was all she said at first. We talked about what was involved, then a little about journalling. She seemed to perk right up, she walked over to join in on the dancing. When I saw her a while later, just before our final departure, I asked if she had read the question yet, she said no, that she was waiting for the right moment then added, “This was a perfect ending to my week, what a wonderful gift!”. Could anything be more perfect?

Day 10 Karma Yoga- Reality

As I sat this morning drinking coffee, eating strawberries and yoghurt, my mind again turned to what the heck I was going to do for Karma yoga? School ran for 10 1/2 hours today with a short break for lunch and dinner. I was wondering when I would find the time. This is when a passer-by commented on how yummy my strawberries looked. I offered her one. She politely refused. I persisted. After only a second attempt to convince, she acquiesced. I told her to take the one that looked the most delicious. She thanked me and walked away happy, biting into the crisp juicy berry. Before my mind could return to my karma yoga I noticed a womyn at the inside of the door of the cafe. I could see through the glass that she had her hands full, I got up to open the door. She too thanked me and walked away smiling. I decided that drastic times called for drastic measures. I took a 5 dollar bill inside and asked the womyn behind the counter to use it to cover the next customers coffee, asked her to put the change in the tip jar. She looked a little confused, but then smiled and agreed. I stayed to watch through the window but just as the transaction was happening a womyn with a stroller, occupied by a beautiful curly haired little girl, arrived, I held open the door for her. She said, “Thank you, you know with the state of the world today nobody does stuff like that anymore!” This puzzled me. I mean, I understand what she meant, but I just don’t see things that way. I am part of the state of this world and all I was concerned with this morning was how to get in my good deed for the day! I refuse to believe I am the only one, in fact I KNOW I am not. Don’t all the wonderful, magical, evolutionary things that go on every day count toward the “state of the world”? Yes, the economy is struggling, but we are more than an economy. We have been through this before. This “state of the world” is something I have been hearing about since before I could remember. I do see the tough stuff, but what of the immense beauty?

I thought of this as I moved through an exercise later in class. The score was to pick three body parts. One with which I experience ”confrontation“, I chose my ribcage. Next came my shoulder blades which I used to “release”, and finally my legs which I used to “change”. This is part of a 5 part process and is all a little hard to explain. Instead here is the piece of instinctive poetic writing which I scribbled down as soon as I had finished dancing. It is whimsical, and light, unlike most of the writing that comes from this therapeutic exercise. I wanted to share it with you.

”The state of the world today“

I have been hearing about this state since I was knee high to a grasshopper. I have grappled for as long as I can remember, to figure out what this state is? But like sand, which is so hard to see grain by grain, it jumbles together and appears fluid, ever shifting. And there must be something wrong with me, because to me, well...I couldn’t ever see what the trouble was? Water without the liquid, solid without the rigidity. So as a child I would sit on my hands, lips pursed and not tell, for fear of being told that I must change my mind. My secret, the one I knew I MUST keep was that I thought this state was so very very BEAUTIFUL!

As I grew my limitations were lifted. I began to swim...SWIM. In the fluidity of the ridgeless solid. I discovered so many footholds, stepping stones and leg-ups! Of course there were alligators too, but eventually we made friends and when they were not grumpy or vengeful they allowed me to pass. You know why? Well I do! It was because I understood the solid water in which they too did SWIM.

They knew my job was to scout, to go ahead and take a look at the state of the world which is coming. Can I tell you a secret? It is exactly the same, always has been, always will be..... and it is so very very BEAUTIFUL!

I was weary after class. I came into the room of the new place where I am staying and found a card on my friends altar. It said

”I commit myself to acting from the awareness that I am 100% the source of my reality“

I thought back to my story, the comment of the womyn with the stroller, and all the smiling faces that walked away from me at the cafe this morning. I decided I really like the reality I have created for myself.

”Do you believe you create you own reality? is the question in 12 days journal #67. A journal I will take with me tomorrow to the top on Mt, Tamalpais, for Planetary Dance, an event to celebrate the summer solstice. LONG LIVE THE SUN!!