Day 9 One on One- Day in the Lives

8:30 ish a.m.- We woke up on the side of the highway. We stayed just north of Esalen last night, in the spot where I have slept many times before. Chris is agitated, loopy, forgetful and preoccupied. I am cranky, my back hurts from sleeping on the crack of the mattress. The kids seem fine, though they are pushing buttons, sensing we are not at our best. We sat on the tail gate of the truck looking out at the ocean before leaving, my morning ritual whenever I sleep in this spot. I was hoping to show the kids passing whales or dolphins, but the ocean is calm, there is little to see.

10:00 a.m. - 11:30 a.m.- We are stopped at Fernwood campground to get coffee and for me to use the net to submit Sundays entry. I will submit yesterdays later, and this one hopefully tonight . Being back on track will feel good. Chris reconnected with Kelly after days of being out of communication. I was hopeful for a call from Michael but this hasn’t happened so far. Chris is still really antsy. He broke down and told me that he is having a hard time. Last time he was in Big Sur it was right before he went off the deep end. He was battling serious suicidal fantasies when here last, and being here is bringing all those feelings back up. What a terrible thing to have to experience. We bonded, cried, and decided to skip the beach and go to Carmel instead, as it is a cloudy, windy day.

12:20 p.m.- Yelled at kids. Wonderful one on one time. I get so frustrated! Lily and Rosy don’t fight much when they are not with us, but put them in a room with their parents and they go at it. They claimed to be fighting over a sticker, it had nothing to do with a sticker in reality. I hate this family pattern, but I am at a loss as to what to do about it. Sigh.

SIDE NOTE: I just realized that I have only ever done one of these time line style posts before, it happened to be on this exact stretch of highway, the only other time I have been on it during this project....I was not conscious of this when I chose to do today’s journal in this style...how very interesting.

4:00 p.m. - After driving around Carmel by the Sea and deciding our huge diesel truck and camper was far to stressful to have round 100, 000$ cars on narrow old town roads, we ended up at a suburban style mega mall. This tuned out well for me as my trusty Mac needed care and there was an Apple store in the mall. I got a “genius bar” appointment and the family hung in the Mall of America for a while. During my appointment they played with all the Ipod Touch’s, and on the GIANT kids Mac that is filled with games. They loved it! After determining that I needed a new battery which cost 130 bucks (bummer) and that Mac would replace my keyboard and top case for free (Hooray!), we were off to Whole Foods to buy dinner then to the beach for a picnic.

5:30 p.m.- Sitting out front of Whole Foods, waiting for Lily and Ayla. They stayed back at the main part of the mall while we came over here to shop for a picnic. They are on a dedicated quest to find skinny jeans while here in the States. They have Chris’ cell and are not to far from us, but it has been a while since they called and said they were coming over. I get kind of freaked out in big cities when it comes to my kids.

6:45 p.m.- Holy Cow! I just finished having a complete emotional break down. The last hour I have been tied in knots, worried about Ayla and Lily. When I called them back over an hour ago, the phone went straight to voicemail. This is not unusual for Chris’ phones. His phone has always had an uncanny ability to not work for a myriad of reasons. Both Lily and Ayla are very responsible and street smart, so I was trying to remember that there was likely a very good reason for them not showing up. But as time ticked on, I had a harder and harder time not imagining unthinkable stories, things I can’t even write here. Chris had gone off to look for them, Rose and I waited in front of Whole Foods, I tried to maintain composure. Finally I got a call from Chris. They are fine. They mixed up the plan and were back at the computer store waiting for us, unaware that the phone had died. As soon as I found out they were safe I lost it, cried in heaving sobs. I can not even imagine what a parent goes through when their child goes missing, an hour was agony, to think some go years or lifetimes and never get that call that brought such relief. We are now going to the beach, perhaps I will stop intermittently dissolving into tears by the time we get there.

8:00 p.m.- We just left the beach. What a lovely, simple, and deeply satisfying activity. The kids ran in and out of the backwash, Chris watched the fisherman, hoping for a catch, while I scoured the beach for treasures, joined occasionally by the kids. Beachcombing is one of my all time favourite activities. I can and have spent hours collecting rocks, sea glass, seaweed, and any other treasure I happen to find. In less than an hour I collected a whole bag of sea glass, the beach at Seaside was a sea glass bonanza!



The last 12 hours have been a crazy ride! From grumpy, to processing family patterns. On to the business of taking care of this machine which contains every entry I have ever written and many other pertinent bits of my life. Then suddenly consumed with terror for my children's safety, NOTHING else mattered. Finally ending with a serene meditative treasure hunt on a beautiful California beach. Just a day in the lives of the Raabis’!

“What pastimes do you enjoy which have a positive influence on your life?” is today’s question for 12 day journal # 78

Day 7 Karma Yoga- So Many Loves

“Tell me about someone you love” is the question in 12 days journal #64 , a journal which is now at esalen along with 70 or 80 people that I love. Leaving them halfway through the workshop was so hard.

I left my dear friend Rachel who is pregnant. While I have been asked to come to her birth, the reality is I may not see her pregnant again, this was hard. Leaving Benjamin, who I have known almost exactly a year was hard. Our friendship was deepened this time, this happened because I shared this project with him. He is so supportive. He believes in me,in what I am doing. Given the calibre of this amazing man, what he has done, what he does, what he believes in, this feels better than I can ever explain. Leaving Jeremy, whose house I am sitting in typing this entry, having just mended our friendship, was hard. Leaving Vinn, sweet Vinn, the one who brought Soul Motion into my life and the lives of so many, THAT was really hard. Leaving Tarack, my beautiful 21 year old friend, who is so filled with the passion of a young man, and who makes me sad that I never had a son, this was hard. Leaving my friend Cordell, who guested me and is the reason I got to experience being with my tribe, was hard. I didn’t speak with him as much as I had hoped. Leaving behind all the others who chose to show up, not so much for the workshop, but for themselves, those in the room and to do the work, this was hard. I love you all. What a wonderful blessing to have been given these 2 1/2 days of moving in a meditative ministry facilitated by many.

My Karma yoga today was to clean up the pillows and back-jacks after afternoon session. This is usually done by the assistance, but they were hugging and sharing so I quickly took the opportunity to get in my karma yoga of the day. I also gave out a whole stack of journals that I had been saving for this trip. People are so happy to receive the journals, it fells like Karma yoga giving them away.

So I am now off to a 5 day intensive at the Tamalpa Institute. The work i do here is based in movement, the arts and therapy. Expect the next few entries to be intense! Either that or skint... right now I am a busy busy B.

Day 6 Karma Yoga- Choices

Today I have had to make some tough choices. I suppose in the grand scheme of things they are not such a big deal but they feel big to me today. I had to choose to leave dance this morning to go do my karma yoga. It was all in the flow actually, I danced until the music got wild, and the room pumping. Then stepped outside when I wouldn’t be missed, right behind the dance dome is the farm, I danced over and weeded with my friend Tarick for 45 minutes. Then went back into the dome. While the conversation and weeding was fun, and the yoga fulfilling, I was sad about missing the middle part of the dance, it served to separate me from the group. Now I sit in the atrium, the afternoon session started 36 minutes ago, I just finished making journals, and am now writing this entry. I am choosing this project over dance, again fulfilling and I would say telling of my commitment to the project, but I am sad. I feel disconnected from my tribe.

“Has there ever been a time when you had to make a tough decision?” is written inside freshly prepared 12 days journal #63.

So I did make a tough decision today, but partly this was to make it so I wouldn’t have to again. I am leaving tomorrow evening. I will not write an entry until after I get home to Marin. Having chosen to do this project today, I am now choosing to dance my but off as much as I can, with no interruptions till late tomorrow night.

I have a stack of journals to give away before I leave, that part should be fun!

Day 5 Karma Yoga- Having too much fun

I just met a man named DM, you know what he told me? I have another tribe! He tells me there are other full time bloggers. That I am not all alone in this crazy all encompassing commitment of mine. Some of them apparently are even doing well financially from it...WOW! Sign me up! He told me about a man who travels round the world, blogging for a living. Well here I sit in the atrium at Esalen and look at me, I am travelling round the world blogging too! Following my bliss, well so long as there is wireless access.

I have a feeling my entries for the next three days will be some what short. There is much socializing and hot springing to be done. Delicious food to eat, and of course karma yoga to participate in. Today I did kitchen work here at Esalen. I ripped up freshly picked lettuce from the Esalen garden. I did this with DM, the blog miester. As I sat tearing lettuce I told him and his friend about this project. DM was really excited, and said he would love to sit down and give me ideas about effectively networking in the blog world. So I sat down to help and received some myself, imagine that.

For those of you who haven’t ever been to Esalen. Here are a few pictures of this glorious oasis.

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And that’s it folks! I need to go play, I promise this experience will bring juicy entries soon...but not now.

I will be giving DM 12 days journal #62, inside the front cover with read “Is there a special place you go that feeds your soul?”

I am sure you can guess my answer.

Day 4 Karma Yoga- Karmic Journey

11:46 A.M Hmm...Karma yoga while on the road. I admit I am a little nervous, what if I don’t find any way to help? I woke up this morning at 6:10 A.M., after 3-4 hours sleep. This was the first night sleeping in our temporary housing. I slept next to a sweating, fidgety baby all night long. I kissed her good-bye this morning as she slept, what an angel. I will miss her so. Into the truck to drive over the border into the United States. We arrived at the border just past 8:00A.M., shortly after the crossing opened. I had to get a new student visa processed today, as I start my second year of schooling. This took a little extra time, but it went smoothly. I know most of the crossing guards from travelling over so frequently. They are helpful and happy, really wonderful people. After 2 more hours of driving we arrived in Spokane, went to Huckleberries, Spokane's local natural food store to get travel snacks. When I get my rental car in Oakland I don’t want to have to stop anywhere,I am heading straight to Monterey. Here I will go to Whole Foods to buy wine, chocolate and coconut water, staples of a truly satisfying Esalen experience. Right now I sit in the transit lounge on the floor, typing away surrounded by travellers. Usually Saturdays are quiet in the Spokane airport, but not today.

2:38P.M. I just finished my 2 hour flight from Spokane to Oakland. I planned to write more of this entry on the plane but instead I got caught up in writing a steamy email. I was seated between 2 elderly womyn. Both were working really hard to read what was on my screen while trying to hide their intrusion. I made the font bigger. I think I may be able to claim letting them read this email as Karma Yoga! They both kept looking across me towards each other, stifling giggles, and playing nervously with their hand bags. It was SO much fun! I am now waiting for my bags. Then will begin my journey south. I am meeting my sister Rachel tonight. She is not a birth sister, but if you saw us together you would never know it! She is pregnant with her first baby. I am so looking forward to spending sister time with her. Then tomorrow we go to Esalen! I must have been good in my last life!

5:36 P.M. Wow! 2 tough hours of driving, I am exhausted and driving a mustang. That may sound kind of cool, but the reality is it is uncomfortable and has terrible visibility. I am sitting in my car outside Whole Foods where I am going to get some coffee to help me stay awake. Which if you know Highway #1 along the California coast, is VERY important. Winding roads, beautiful views and many cliffs, where one wrong move could mean plummeting to your death. Ok perhaps that is a tad dramatic. I am off to get supplies! Then down the highway.

6:49 P.M. Still in Monterey. Sitting in my car drinking nasty kombucha. It may taste terrible but is raw and filled with probiotics. Good for my tummy. One MUST be hydrated before going to Esalen, hours of hot-springing does terrible things to the digestive system if you are not careful (Those of you who have been KNOW what I mean!) I convinced a womyn in the store of it’s benefits, she told me all about her colitis. I listened, which she may have needed more than the Kombucha. She was thankful as I left her in the refrigerated drinks aisle. As I went through the check out I wondered how much Karma yoga was it I was requiring of myself each day? Talking with this womyn, who is deep in the throws of chronic pain, sure felt like it qualifies. Right now I am poaching internet from a local motel, I am the recipient of some Karma yoga. Thank you Comfort inn!. The air smells of briny ocean...I better go find it!

8:08 P.M. I watched the sunset as I drove down the twisting ribbon highway. I stopped to take a picture, dead battery, go figure. I now sit at The spirit Garden in Big Sur. This is the spot I randomly chose(yes Ok I don’t believe in random, but it makes the story fun) to meet Rachel. “Let’s meet by the Shell gas station” I said to Rach. I arrive here to cars lining the road. There is live music and the place is filled with children and musicians! I had a conversation with a man who used to be a herbal healer near Santa Barbara. We spoke as he drank Bausch beer and ate corn dogs. He was telling me that he studied Native Animal medicine. I asked him what his totem was , as I pointed over his shoulder. A hummingbird, had landed, yes landed on a wire above his head. He put down his corn dog, with a look of awe. “You almost never get to see them still! Maybe if there is a feeder near bye, but never like that!” He thanked me profusely for showing it to him, his back was turned, he never would have seen it other wise. Told me the hummingbird is the bird of Joy, that we are both sure to have wonderful times ahead of us. I think he is right.

I have a date with a stack of journals tomorrow. They need to be made up, written in and distributed. When I make 12 days journal #61, the question inside will read “Have you ever had a journey that changed your life?”. I think I will give it to Rachel, as she journeys into motherhood.

So no big acts of Karma Yoga today, just a bunch of little ones. Today was a really wonderful day.


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Me, Kincade and Rachel at Esalen, in September. She looks different now with her beautiful goddess belly, filled with baby yumminess.