Day 12 Sans Coffee- Gaping

I judge everything I write; erase everything that comes out. I don’t want to share it, I want to hide. At the same time I crave the transparency, to keep up the “bravery” that I am constantly getting kudos for, soak it in, use it as salve to make these wounds close up, these gaping wounds. The truth is I don’t feel brave, I feel confused, I feel angry, and I feel SAD SAD SAD...I feel like giving up. I feel like all my dreams are slipping through my hands, and that each is attached to another which slips slips slips away, one after the other. And I am ashamed to post this, ashamed of feeling this weak, ashamed that I can’t better explain to the people I love how I feel, what I want, and what I believe. I am tired of being judged by those who claim not to judge, blamed by those who claim not to blame, I am tired of judging, and blaming. I am just fucking tired.

I am afraid of letting a dream die... and I am not sure which one.

“Is there something you wish you would have done, but never did?” is the question in 12 days journal #178