One tidbit I have not shared with you all yet is my recent struggles with reading. I have struggled with it my whole life to varying degrees, but found ways to get along in this print dependent culture. Then a few months back I started to realize just how much stress it was now causing. To be blunt, I can’t really read for content right now. I can read the words, they make sense but they don’t stick. This has made the transformation I am going through more difficult, not being able to read about it, understand it, has contributed to the isolation I feel while on this beautiful journey...kinda like going to the South of France and not having anyone to share it with.
So to set myself the task of reading a months worth of blog entries every day was a DOUBLE TRIPLE QUADRUPLE whammy. I figured that because it is my own writing, this info is already inside me, I am just taking a Bernice refresher. Well it took me 3 1/2 hours to get through the firs 1/12th of my blog. YIKES!
I did mess around on you tube for bit looking up Billy Bragg songs, inspired by a lyric I found sneakily buried in one of the entries. This is the struggle with reading, staying on track, not getting lost in tangent thoughts and research. I eventually made it to the end, but this reading thing is a real pain in the ass!
What can I say about the first month? It was a little dry. LoL I am remembering a couple of people who told me they tried to read the blog but never continued because they got overwhelmed by starting at the beginning. They didn’t say it out right but I have a feeling they lost interest, and I can see why. At this point this project was still something outside of myself, like work. Work I enjoyed, but still work. I remember at this time really going through such sadness about my break up with Jeremy, I remember imagining that this was leaking all over the place, that when I looked back it would be so obvious that I was healing my heart,. Other than a couple of explicit posts I was keeping it all very professional... meaning I hadn’t begun to leak yet! I can be so friggen stoic, I know that this often even comes across as cold. I know I am a passionate loving womyn, so I expect the hot-cold thing must be hard on those around me. My hope is that I am doing better with this now... I am pretty sure I am.
Something else I saw when reading this first month was how excited and driven I was in the ! Gosh it is hard for me to imagine having as much energy as I did a year ago. Right now just wrapping the project up seems a feat. Starting it, building the blog, climbing Pulpit Rock, flying off to California was so much! I have to say I am proud of myself. In those days it was only sheer determination that kept me going, no one even knew I existed out there in blog land... wow.
Memory Lane is a trip.
“Have you ever truly believed you were being honest and later realized you were not?” is the question in 12 days journal #347
