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Forward

2011-03-29T02:19:00.000-07:00

I will start this entry as I have many others by saying I had no idea when I started this project where it would lead. I am beginning to lose track of when it was that “this project” began or even what I mean when I say “this project”.

It is not possible to condense what I have experienced since that surf contest in January into one entry. Geographically I have been in over 10 states and 3 countries since then. I have travelled with my family, alone and with other travellers. I have travelled by plane, collectivo, bus, taxi, foot and in the back of a pick up. I have met so many people that my eyes fill with tears and my mind spins to imagine all the beings filled with so much light that I have touched and been touched by. It has been one heck of a wild holy ride!

I can not explain in any linear fashion the events of the days since the 11th of January 2011, but I can give you some highlights.

The first that comes to mind is meeting an elder who I accepted into my heart. I made this known to him by making a tobacco offering. I have been on a spiritual path my whole life. I was quiet about it in my youth when I didn’t understand it, I couldn’t explain it to myself much less to others. As time went on though it became my way and I began to live it in my every day. I called it my “solo path” before I knew that such a term existed in new age circles. I dedicated myself and trusted. Yet there were many times I longed to not be so alone. I found many to walk with for a time, some are still here nearly 18 years later but this was not enough. I wanted an elder, a guru, a person to follow and rest. On January 23rd I found him, his name is Oso Blanco.

I had written in my personal journal some months earlier that I longed to sit at the feet of my elders. What I didn’t know as I knelt before him, tobacco bowl out stretched, streams of tears spilling down my face asking him to be my elder, was that my sitting would be done from sun down to sun up on the day of his death.

Oso blanco died 3 days after we met. He died after giving me the gift of a rattle, the one I had used in his inipi. His inipi was where we sat in sweat lodge the night before he died. I sat next to him at his request because he “needed my help“. I didn’t know what this meant but knew that when the time came I would know what to do.... and I did.

That night in the inipi I held him as he shook and cried, as he begged the grandfathers to give him the strength to make it through this difficult sweat lodge. I simply petted him, like he were an old bear. He murmured “thank you” over and over again. It was one of the most intimate moments of my life.

I left the sweat lodge that evening knowing something grand was about to happen and pushing away what I suspected was coming. The next morning as we drank coffee before breakfast, just as we had every day since we met, he explained why he was giving me the rattle and why I had been entrusted with it in the inipi the night before. He explained what he saw in me, how strong my energy was, and what it was I needed to do. I felt seen in a way I never have before. He was adamant this morning that he and I go into ceremony together. He told me continually, “It will be hard on you, but it is going to be harder on me”. I trusted him and was quite frankly desperate to complete this ceremony which would break a bond which I believed at the time I could not sever on my own. He and I then went into ceremony together only it started as he began to die. I did the ceremony on my own as he transitioned into the ether. At first I pleaded with God, looked into the sky and cried “I don’t know what to do?!”. I heard a steady internal voice say. “Yes you do, you have been doing this your whole life... just go into ceremony as you always have, following what is.” ... and so I did.

Later that evening I sat at his funeral which was to last 4 nights. I was guarding the north door of the inipi which meant sitting on the ground in the cold night with his feet pressed up against my kidneys. His body had died less than 12 hours earlier, I could feel his life force still pulsing.

This was the first of 4 nights of honouring my elder, my guru, the first and only in 37 years, my whole life. He came to tell me that I am doing wonderfully all on my own. He taught me that while I AM walking a solo path, that I was doing it alongside many beautiful beings with the same commitment. He taught me about being together alone. He taught me to love myself, to trust myself, to believe in myself, to understand that there is no self, that we are all one.

There were three things I not only heard Oso Blanco say but SAW him LIVE that made me decided to choose him.

First he explained to someone as I listened that the love between a man and a womyn when both fully honour the other is the most powerful force in the world, that when we come together in love it has the power to heal the world. That those of us who know this are here to teach others who are still working to understand.

Secondly he taught that learning from ones “youngers” is as important as learning from ones “elders”. That womyn and children are to be respected in action not just words. Of course, so are the men, but that we are still dealing with a repression on Goddess nature so in this way the power imbalance is still playing out.

Third, like a true Grandfather he assured me that I am on my path, that I am doing an excellent job and that I should continue to follow it exactly as I have been. He reminded me of my own glory, that I needed nothing more than what I already had.

I left the mountains of Nayrarit after 3 days of knowing Oso blanco in life and 4 days of knowing him in death. 7 days.

The event where I met him is named 7:7:7:7. I found it on facebook through my friend Steve. I chose to attend because I had a miscarriage which lasted 7 sevens, 49 days. I follow this simple numerical symbol, trusting its importance, to a gathering in Mexico. I trusted that I was being led. This is the magic that brought me to spend 7 days with my elder, Oso Blanco... or you might just want to call him Steve, which is how I was introduced to this man who changed my life forever reassuring me I needed no changing, that I am evolving perfectly.

Since then my many journeys have blended one into one another.

I swam at the birth place of a magical azul river , a place so sacred I believed it was heaven. On the way back to my hostel I saw a garbage pile as high as a 5 story building. It was beautiful and horrific. A swarm of birds, hundreds thick, dove en masse into this plastic sea, picking up treasures while filling the air with elated screeches. I learned that Mexico is everything it isn’t and isn’t everything it is. Mexico is a magical land of contradictions.

I travelled with a man who was patient with my devotion to seriousness and talented enough at playing that he managed to crack me open. I found FUN Bernice again!

I climbed to the top of ruins which I do not understand with my mind but could feel in my body. Their long holy lineage of both light and dark are something I know in my soul.

I travelled home to my own beloved town of Nelson with the eyes of a traveller. I stayed only 5 days and visited with many loved ones, missing many many more. In Nelson I found a place of healing. While this is not new information I was able to see through layers of the veil to better understand what “healing” actually means.

I learned from a master in a form of dance which I sometimes have to convince myself I have the ability to lead. I sat and listened to him with a beguiling mixture of emotions, respectful for his mystical self and frustrated at his human nature.

I slept under a full moon on the side of a mountain during the Equinox. I performed ritual under the stars. My partner used a caracol to honour the sun as it rose at day break into the same position the moon had been just hours before. I honoured the divine union of man and womyn.

I fed my eldest iguana (by accident) and pulled a scorpion off my baby’s back.

I have ridden on buses with men who take up too much room and womyn who take too little.

I shared meals with men who shine with a new knowing and womyn who are fighting for waves in an ocean they don’t believe is their own.

I have snuggled kids who are vomiting and talked for hours with a husband who I am just getting to know... again.

I am becoming more comfortable with not always feeling comfortable.

I let go of any semblance of a physical home so I could find mine smack dab in the center of my own beautiful being... en mi corazon.

Hasta Seimpre!

1-11-11

2011-01-11T14:39:00.000-08:00

I woke up early this morning in a funk. I knew that I didn’t want it to continue so I got out of bed with a plan to slip away for some alone time. About 5 minutes later, after some sound negotiating, I left the room with Lily and Rosy in tow... already things were not going according to plan.

We worked out that I would give them money and they would buy themselves breakfast while I wrote in my journal. I made it clear that I needed space and alone time.

While I was ordering their breakfast they played on the beach with some town dogs. Wait... this wasn’t the plan!

I like dog culture here in Mexico, perhaps because by their standards we are very responsible dog owners. Here if you own a dog you collar it and let it roam, I believe it take a village to raise a dog (any of you who have seen Dotty or Dixie wandering town KNOW what I am talking about!) My kids being very used to this mentality of dog ownership did their part, while waiting for their fruit platter, to protect a tiny mangy poodle from a much larger male dog who had taken a liking to her.

When breakfast came I went to find the girls... ya, the plan had basically disintegrated but I was getting some alone time so I didn’t sweat it. I am getting used to plans changing, they seem to change hourly lately.

Breakfast lasted about 2 hours, I doodled, talked with our very cute waiter in my ever increasing vocabulary of Spanglish. During the meal I watched the town wake up. We have arrived at a very exciting time. Just as the winter holiday tourists are leaving, town is filling with pro surfers and spectator. We had no idea upon arrival that we were to be smack dab in the middle of a pro surf event.

And just as we were about to leave Sayulita we were asked if we would volunteer at the event.

Since we are travelling to experience the unexpected opportunities which the Universe places in our way we said... hmmm....HECK YA!! To hang out with pro surfers, get a look behind the scenes at a real live surf event, how cool is that? We are still leaving Sayulita though. The Event is held in the neighbouring artist community of San Francisco, known locally as San Pancho.

While I am excited about this change in plans I have mixed feeling about not getting on the road. I am eager to move towards Chiapas. I love the beach and surfing but there is something deeper that pulls. I am hungry to go feel the ruins, to meet the Mayan people in the land where their culture still permeates.

There is also an even stronger pull to leave Nayarit. I want to distance myself from the temptation of attending the 7:7:7:7 gathering, an event I planned to attend way back in November.

It seemed perfect back then, this gathering based on principals and numbers that make so much sense to me. It was my one scheduled stop on the way to Chiapas. I still feel called to attend but there is a major obstacle to following this call, and for the first time in a long time I don’t know that I can share it here on the blog. This is a curious thing that I have noticed lately, that I feel reluctant to share fully here. It is the reason I haven’t posted in a while. I don’t like it.

As for whether I will be attending the gathering, I don’t have an answer yet. I am sure late registration won't be an issue. It isn’t happening for nearly 2 weeks so I don’t have to know yet. For now we have a surf competition to help make happen... I never would have imagined... isn’t it great how things don’t always go as planned?

The Dawning... Water and Fire

2011-01-07T01:55:00.000-08:00

Friday the 7th... of course this entry would come at the culmination of the first 7 day cycle in a new Gregorian year.

It came to me today, I am here NOW to experience La Nina, this I KNOW. I came to Mexico while her feminine is running wild, and of course I came to experience it in the land of the sun, the land of fire. I am in town which is struggling to keep its main industry alive despite economic downturn and a recent drop in tourism due to fear of violent crime. As if this wasn’t enough they are being taunted by the unpredictable flow of ocean river and rain, bridges washed out, main streets ripped up, plumbing failing... Aya Curamba!

Since I have arrived the feminine and masculine aspects of nature have finally agreed to work things out, they are my teachers . The moon agreed to allow the suns light to leave her, to be cleansed, made new while full. She became whole, all things at once. The sun became a crescent, softening his edges, opened himself to understanding the moons often overlooked duty as the one who carries light at a time of darkness. Today I understand how these things fit together. Today I went into ceremony.

Today I finally tasted a Mexican delicacy which I have wanted to experience since I arrived. I found it in a womyn name Alicia... a Goddess as complete and lovely as the moon when she is full and new, and as a sun who embodies a moon to know her soul.

Thank you Alicia. Thank you for being one of my Angels.

“Who are your Angels?” is the questions for today’s journal.

And while water runs amuck here in Mexico, fire has laid his hand on my home town of Nelson, British Columbia. The Kerr, a beautiful old building that housed nearly 50 community members is now a charred stone shell. The night before it burned Chris and I were talking about how Nelson could really use a Plaza. Every Mexican town seems to have one, a natural gathering place in the middle of town where community organically happens. No need for a potluck or even a meeting time, just show up at the plaza to see who’s there. I imagined this plaza in Nelson would have to be close to Oso, which is already a natural gathering spot. I said to Chris that the lot where the Kerr was would be perfect. Imagine my shock when I logged on the next day to see the images of it in flames.

So many people lost their homes, I don’t even know yet if there were lives lost, I haven’t had good enough internet access to read about the grieving. I have heard via an email from my mother that the community is gathering to support the residents of the Kerr. A historic building with a strong shadow side which housed many community members who struggle to make ends meet. A friend of mine was suppose to be housesitting in the building that day, he was the first I thought of. I felt sick until I knew he was ok. It helped me to feel how much I love him, how big a hole would be left if he were to disappear from my life.

A phoenix always rises from the ashes. Cleansing can be painful and the loss of this monument like building will be felt for a long while in Nelson. My hope is that the phoenix in this situation will be a new plaza and open air city block, maybe with two of the walls left standing. I smile as I imagine it filled with benches and trees, a place for everyone. I am sending so much love home to you all, please take care of each other. Be each others Angels.

As for my Angel for today, sweet Alicia. I want you to know I have your mothers manuscript. You left it in your room. I have concocted many stories about why it got left behind. Maybe to cleanse, allow a phoenix to arise from the deaths you have experienced? Maybe it was an accident and I will get to bring it to you in L.A? I can visit my God daughter and you my newest God sister.

You are a bright beautiful light my love. Keep on balancing, in the water, on the snow, in your own heart. Balance is the key to beating 50/50 odds hun. No matter what happens you call if you need help, and I will come. <3

Balm for my Own Sweet Self

2011-01-05T14:56:00.000-08:00

I received an email from a male friend today, asking for relationship advice. If you are reading my friend you can exhale now, I will not share any of your story... I promise.

Having just ended a deeply loving and troublesome relationship of my own the nature of the email made my heart swell. It was the kind of email that I could imagine being sent by my past lover to a wise womyn friend, one seeking another perspective and speaking his hearts newly discovered truth. I got a little caught up in my own story, and sadness. The rejected teenager in me whined, “Why can’t my love see this?!”. Once I got over myself I realized I had been given a gift.

One of the hardest parts of this break up was how I often did not feel heard or understood. I could not find a way to convey that I could no longer accept how he was loving me and still love myself. I tried to salvage thing, we both tried, but despite our fairy tale worthy love connection it ended. We are both deeply wounded by our loss.

Now I had an opportunity to write back this friend who was saying the words I longed to hear and respond from a womyn's perspective, from my perspective, my heart felt great release. Our situations are different in many ways but the nature of human relationship is remarkably similar no matter the details. We all really want the same things, love, support, understanding, kindness, tenderness, these are fairly universal. So I took the details out and spoke from my heart. I responded to a friend, while putting balm on my own sweet self.

I know this blog is now viewed by a different audience. I saw online that it has been picked up as a travel blog in a couple of places. This entry might be really confusing as 1) it is not about geographical travel and 2) you may be thinking “Doesn’t she have a husband who she is travelling with? Did they just break up or did she just announce to the world that she had an affair?!. The answers are not exactly and no not really.

Travel happens... period. We move forward in time and space always. So while this entry does not include anything specific about Mexico it was inspired by Mexico. And my trip to Mexico is part of moving on. There is some classic advice in the Love section Elizabeth Gilbert’s book, Eat Pray Love about taking a trip to get over a lost love, I took it to heart.

To answer the second part, yes I have a husband, yes I am travelling with him and my children. No I did not have an affair. ”Affair“ insinuates that the relationship was hidden. It was not.

Chris and I have been in an open relationship for over 10 years, though in that time neither of us has had many relationships or experiences outside our marriage. It was a decision we made in order to not limit each others life experiences and potential for growth. I met Michael in July of 2009 and eventually he came to live with our family for a period of time.

During the original 12days2inspire project which was an exercise in truth and transparency, I wrote openly about the experience of living with both my lover and my husband. This blog has many many entries that challenge the status quo of relationships and marriage. I will continue to speak openly about who I am and how I live because it is just easier that way.

With what you now know (or already knew for my lovely faithful reader.. gosh I am grateful for you guys!!!) you may think I am far from an authority on relationships and you may be right. Or maybe it makes me an expert. Ask me on different days and I will give you different answers. My friend who sent me the email looking for support thought of me as someone in the know about how relationships work. I will take this as a sign that someone believes I know what I am doing... and given that my confidence is a little shaky at the moment I appreciate the vote of confidence. Thanks friend for the email today, I needed it, I hope you find some solace in my words <3

"How do you love?"

Movin Along

2011-01-04T17:32:00.000-08:00

Turns out San Blas was NOT the perfect place to celebrate the new moon. We arrived just before dusk to find a community which has seen better days. The main street had been torn up possibly due to a flood which hit this area in September. All the places we found to park the camper were terribly overpriced. There is an entry for San Blas in our Lonely Planet travel guide, the place I was most excited to eat at seems to have vanished, the other have increased their prices dramatically. This town is not affordable, the beach is far away and not particularly safe for swimming. So we decided to leave. It wasn’t that we didn’t like it, the plaza was beautiful, the beach long and fairly uncrowded, but we only have 5 months left in Mexico and it makes no sense to stay anywhere we don’t love.

We found a place we love. Sayulita, Nayarit.

We left San Blas early and drove for less than 2 hours. It was a short beautiful drive which brought us to a bustling laided back town filled with locals, surfers, hippie, expats and a fair number of tourists. We are definitely here in high season but this town is small enough, and far enough from an airport that it has the perfect blend of exciting and chill.

Our whole family fell in love instantly. Well Ayla fell in “like”, which is all that can be expected of a teenager. We found a place to rent for a week. Actually Chris decided within minutes that we should stay a month but I reminded him that Chiapas and Guatemala are calling me and that there are MANY wonderful places with a delicious vibe here in Mexico.

Tomorrow the family is going to take our first surf lesson. We found a place with good WiFi so Ayla can catch up on her school work. There are Spanish lessons at a bookstore nearby, which is great because we all desperately need them. On the way here we nearly ran out of gas. Luckily I spied a place by the side of the road with huge bottle of gasoline, and Chris knew enough Spanish to determine if they had diesel as well. Two gentlemen siphoned 2 big jugs into the tank. We were down to fumes and prayers by the time we found these angels. If you know anything about diesel engines you can imagine how bad a situation running out of gas would have be. How does one arrange a tow to a diesel mechanic in a foreign language anyway? Yes learning Spanish is a darn good idea.

So my new moon ceremony this night will be in Sayulita. I am typing this entry while sitting next to Ayla. We are seated across the street from the local plaza. There are vendors, locals and not so locals roaming the streets. Live music is coming from a number of different restaurants and the food smells delicious so I am going to finish up and go eat.

The intentions for my ceremony tonight are becoming more clear. To find many beautiful places that I love along the way to the land of the Maya, to enjoy the journey while trusting the destination as my compass point towards truth. It is my intention to have fun along the way; to continue to trust my mending heart and KNOW that I will continue to find love.

“How easily do you change your mind?” is today’s question. I am glad I was able to change my mind about San Blas, although it wasn’t easy. There is something I left out. There was one thing about San Blas that I really wanted to stick around for. Someone I love very much is going to be there soon. I would have loved to see him again. I also know I need to follow where I am lead. Being led away from there was likely a sign that I am not meant to see him yet and as much as that hurts I need to trust my healing heart.

The Beginning of a New Ease

2011-01-03T00:47:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow we are to witness another magical celestial event.

There will be a new moon, a partial solar eclipse, mercury is finally direct again with all other planets moving forward as well... what a relief! Enjoy this one because we have earned it! Did I mention there will be a meteor shower too? Amazing.

We in the western hemisphere will have to feel the eclipse rather than see it. Those in Europe, Central Asia and Africa though will be treated a beautiful crescent son. The sun mirroring the nature of the moon as she comes new, when she is at her most vulnerable. I take this as an omen, the beginning of a truce, a reconciliation between the feminine and masculine and a flowering of Divine love.

I am not sure yet what intentions I will set, but I will surely be informed by this beginning of a new age of co-operation between the sexes.

This will be my first New Moon ceremony below the Tropic of Cancer, where the cycles of the mother is more subtle. I am so connected to the rhythms of my home, how they mirror the rhythms of life. I only had to look outside my window to understand the significance of the many cosmic wheels which turn brining us this fabulous life. I miss my home.

AND... I am happy to be here in Mexico, learning. About what I am not sure yet. I just know that this is where I was led. I will understand it all soon. I know to head towards Chiapas, which is what we are doing. For now though we are going to kick back and enjoy San Blas, Nyrait. Which is where we are headed tomorrow.The perfect place to be this new moon, I know because everywhere I am in the perfect place for me to be.

Blessings to you all on this night.

“What intentions will you set this new moon?”

Day and Night, Noche y Día

2011-01-01T00:39:00.000-08:00

It is New Years Day... in the wee hours. I can’t sleep.

I had a wonderful time with my family in Old Mazatlan. There were people dancing in the streets, the Plazuela Machado was filled with hundreds of Mexican families dressed in their finest to celebrate.

I was there most of the time. Some of it though I was off in the past remembering last New Years.

This day last year fell on a full and blue moon, a celestial celebration! That night Ayla and I danced while Michael drummed in the New Year of 2010... what a year it was! While the Eve was a delicious one to remember, New Years Day was an unexpected day of mourning. Anniversaries can sneak up.

I sat in the hot tub earlier today. I felt so alone despite being surrounded by hordes of people. I was the only English speaker, I am getting to experiencing how isolating this can be. It was more than that though. I felt just awful. Eventually I clawed my way through the gloominess and put into play some of what I learned in 2010. I closed my eyes and felt into what was going on inside. I didn’t try to push any of it away, rationalize it or explain it. I didn’t go into stories or judge myself for what I was feeling... I just let it float up to the top to make it conscious.

And once I did, well...no wonder felt so horrible! I found serious self doubt. Fear of my life returning to a way it had been in the past, a way I was deeply frightened of repeating. I found a fear of losing control of my body, either gaining or losing weight again and not being able to stop it. I had deep tragic thoughts of not being enough. Again the idea of my breasts being not enough to make me a womyn. I found fear of not being loved the way I want to be and under it all I felt a deep fear of loss.... yes there was a deep fear that I had lost something dear to me.

I reminded myself that the moon was just coming new, a natural time of self doubt especially for womyn. I reminded myself that these feelings would pass, that the stories I had attached to them were there so I would pay attention, these feelings were acting out because they wanted understanding. I coached myself to keep perspective, not let my fear create a downward spiral, especially on this night when there was a huge fiesta planned. My moon is due in a few days, maybe I am just experiencing pre moon sadness? But where was I to put my focus and self love. There was something so deep that I could quite figure out...

And there is was, an anniversary that I had forgotten came to the surface. I lost a baby, one I didn’t even know I was pregnant with until it was all over. It happened on New Years Day 2010, it was the first of two lost last year.

The rhythms of life, the cycles that orchestrate all things from our smallest cells to the furthest planets, are always at play. We all have our place in these spirals and they can not be escaped. I imagined that maybe being this far away from the frozen ice and snow, I might have been able to trick my body into passing this anniversary over. But the body remembers, my body remembered. Eventually my mind finally did too, and though it is painful I am grateful. Knowing the root of my murky mood, making it conscious and then letting myself mourn the loss (again) allowed me to move through the grief with grace. Loss needs grief. It needs to be felt as grief and so it can become praise. All that is beautiful dies and to honour it with grief is to sing praises to God. This was taught to me by a friend last year. I had to learn it many times to really get it.

Knowing where this pain was coming from I could NOW rationalize, see clearly that I will not go back to a past I fear, the idea is actually absurd. I am enough and God knows this, only I ever doubt it. My body being controlled is what brought me the pain in the first place! I can let go of wanting to control this beautiful body of mine and let it flourish. I am enough. I am enough. I am enough.

By the time we were counting in 2011 I was happy, dancing in the streets with my girls. Though the loss was still with me, I will never get to dance with the baby who flew away January 1st 2010. I love all my babies, those who dance in the streets and those who dance in the ether.

2010 was certainly a fertile year for me. I am so very excited to see what 2011 will bring.

Feliz Año Nuevo Everyone!

“What did you learn last year that really sticks out?”

Senor Frogs, One Hopping Joint!

2010-12-30T22:33:00.000-08:00

Well if yesterday was the shadow, tonight was the light!

I went with my whole family to Senor Frogs. Yes... touristy to the max!! And you know what? It was SUCH a good time. This is their business, if these guys can’t take a grumpy family and put smiles on their grouchy faces then no on can! It definitely worked for us. The only part that sucked about the evening was that we didn’t bring a camera so there is no photo to aid your trip with us to one of the most touristy joints in all of Mexico.

We walked in to this loud, obnoxious establishment and were greeted by a peppy hostess who delivered us to our waiter. His name was Aldos and he was dancing to “You Can Leave your Hat on” by Tom Jones while performing a Full Monty style mock strip tease. He then brought us name tags.

Ayla was “Brittany Spears”
Lily- “Lady Gaga”
Rosy- “Dennis the Menace” due to the fact that as soon as her drink came she accidentally(?) spit juice on Aldos.
My mother in law AKA Omi was “The One who Pays the Bill”
Chris- “The Man”
and I was “The Boss”

Given how tough last night was, with today not being much better,THIS was just the stress reliever we needed.

I use to “not drink”. This changed the minute I entered Mexico. I have taken to drinking tequila because well you know what they say about Rome! With fermented agave running through my system I made the rather unorthodox choice of ordering two platters of deep fried Mexican party food.While we waited a talented man made us balloon all hats. Yes that is right, each and everyone of us scarfed down battered shrimp, quesidillas, tacos and deep fried cheese while wearing elaborate and suggestive balloon hat.

There were employees whose only job was to pull practical jokes on customers. Rosy was constantly entertained and high as a kite on sugar and grease.

While we were waiting for dessert (wait... when does my family of conscious eaters EVER order dessert? Oh ya right, when mom is drinking tequila and ordering in partial sign language over blaring cheesy 80’s videos) a handsome young man arrived at our table to perform magic tricks. This kid was GOOD! I could detect the slightest slide of hand, and I was watching like a hawk! Daniel, our magician, was a gem. He had fallen in love with Ayla and addressed Chris as his “future father in law”. Ayla turned many shades of pink but was having a good deal of fun with the attention. Daniel’s father arrived half way through his performance, he motioned that he would be just a few minutes longer.

I have found it somewhat difficult to deal with the ways of Mexican culture since I arrived. Most Mexicans have a well practised poker face. In the beginning I misunderstood this as grumpiness. I have come to understand that all I need do is initiate, say “Hola”, smile and I am usually rewarded. To let Daniel's father know how much I appreciated him I put my hand to my heart and pointed at his son. He smiled wide and nodded with what I imagined to be pride. And he has reason to be be proud. Daniel is very good at what he does. Not just at being a magician, but at connecting with customers in an authentic way. He was brilliant with every last one of us.

This video is for you Daniel. I hope you find me here on the blog. When you gave the napkin with your email address to Ayla saying she should keep it because her parents might forget it due to tequila consumption, you were right! But we remembered the name of the the only electronica song that you like and will end this entry with it... email me here on the blog and I will send you Ayla’s contact... in 4 years time.

If you come to Mazatlan, put aside all culinary restrictions, all ideas of what constitutes bad music, prepare for over-stimulation, and treat yourself to the best touristy dinner in all of Mexico! They took very good care of us and by the end we left as a bonded happy family... thank you Senor Frogs!

“What do you enjoy that might surprise those who know you?”

I Bet Frida Would Understand

2010-12-29T18:32:00.000-08:00

I am sitting outside the internet cafe of my hotel. I am hiding from passers-by that I am crying... again. I say again because I cry a lot. I have ideas about my prolific crying which are conflicting.

On one hand I love the fact that I cry. I allow my emotions to flow and take advantage of natures method of dumping chemicals produced during intense experience, this keeps me healthy. I feel much better after a good cry.

On the other hand when I am at my most vulnerable, tears dripping, snot bubbling, I judge that I let my emotions rule me.

Why am I crying this time? I am frustrated, angry and sad. I am noticing a pattern re-emerging in my family that I haven’t had to deal with for quite some time. This pattern had pretty much disappeared because I disappeared. I took a year off last year, or maybe it would be more accurate to say I worked part time. I had become so frustrated with how the dynamic saw me either dissolve into a puddle of tears and/or pounce with fangs dripping that I just opted out. I was still there in my home, raising my children and being a wife, but I found ways to always ‘have an out’ so that this dynamic couldn’t rule me.

Well now there is no way out, we are together all the time. We are usually doing things which require planning, organizing and follow through. My frustration comes not because as mother planning and organizing generally fall to me, but that once the organization and planning are in place it is often not respected. Not to mention that the follow through sucks! Worse yet there is rarely any acknowledgement of the effort put in. When I end up in either in tears or with bared claws I am met with looks of stunned silence which seem to say,“What is mom’s problem?!” What is most maddening is that the activities are organized around what everyone says they want! It is not as though I am draggin them along to do only the things I want to do... ARGH!

I can imagine at this point mothers everywhere are nodding their heads in sympathy and aggravation, my story is not a rare one.

I won’t bore you with the gritty details except to say that after trying to rationally and calmly explain a number of times that I was frustrated, I decided to catch a cab back to the hotel by myself.

I wanted to cry in the cab, but the drunk driver who kept asking me if I had a husband likely would have been thrown. Given his state I thought it prudent to not distract him. I would have got out to seek a sober driver but I was miles from my hotel and only had enough for his fare. I considered refusing to pay but that seemed more dangerous than staying the course. I prayed a lot instead.

When I arrived at the hotel I had a bath hoping to bring on tears of release, but I was still too angry. Just as they began to bubble up I heard my family laughing and running down the hallway. They tumbled over each other rushing into the room to get their swimsuits, they seemed to have forgotten about what happened and were now focused on soaking in the hot tub. They wouldn’t make eye contact and got away from me as quickly as they could which many a mother will tell you is par for the course when we get upset. Tell me, am I the only one who feel so hurt when this happens?

In order to restrain myself from tearing their heads off, I decided to go down to an internet cafe in town. I walked out of hotel and was met by an armed soldier so I reconsidered. It is not as scary as it sounds. I learned later there was a government official staying at our hotel, it is customary for the military to accompany him. It is meant to instil a sense of safety. Funny, a man in camo with a big gun doesn’t bring me a warm fuzzy feeling of safety, a cultural difference to be sure.

I then went into the internet cafe at the hotel, only to be told I can not use my own computer there. I swear the universe was working really hard to push me into a Kali moment!

I finally found a place to sit and use my computer. I was too shaken to write so I watched the following video by Chameli Ardagh called The Fierce Face of the Feminine. The tear finally began to flow.

She speaks of Kali becoming intoxicated with anger, how not even Shiva could stop her rage with force. It was only when he showed his belly, lay before her vulnerable and in complete love, accepted her anger as Divinity, that she stopped. It was the understanding of how she come to a place of rage from not feeling heard, when enough was enough and nothing else would stop the injustice, when he gave THIS his presence she was able to regain her own.

I would really like my anger, frustration, and sadness to be met with presence. Better yet I don’t want to get to the Kali place to conjure presence. I don’t want things to get ugly before I am listened to. When it happens this way as a dynamic, as an ongoing pattern we all have to suffer first. There is an easier way.

For now I will just go find somewhere with no family, no drunk taxi drivers, no armed guards, no internet lounge attendants and continue to let my tears flow... I will find presence within myself for right now and trust that it will come from my loved ones soon. I trust that we will find a way to face this dynamic so it can dissolve. That my Kali will rest more often, laying side by side with Shiva cuddling rather than going at his neck with a machete.

I came up with so many question for this entry, but settled on. “What helps you regain presence when you are angry?”

This post is dedicated to my friend Deirdre who cheered me up while I was writing this entry trying.

“I write about myself because when I am alone I hear the voice of God and because I am the subject I know best”
~ Bernice Raabis

(a rip off on the Frida Kahlo quote and my friend Deirdre’s facebook status)

"I paint myself because I am so often alone and because I am the subject I know best."
~ Frida Kahlo

After and After

2010-12-26T15:58:00.000-08:00

I am still having a blog identity crisis, I am not sure what it’s purpose is.

I don’t feel called to continue the 12 day theme, but then I wonder if the title of the blog will be completely confusing? I don’t want to start a new one, you all know how to find me right here, and to be honest I have no interest in going through building a new blog or buying a new domain... BLAH!! I like to write, to share myself, I do not enjoy techie site building stuff. So until further notice I will just be posting here when I feel called to. The blog feels more like a travel blog than anything else, since this is my fodder most often. Still I can’t ignore that it is most often about me and my thoughts, it is still very personal.... We will talk about this more later, for now I have two things I want to share.

First the fun stuff. We went zip lining today! It was my first time. It was a present bought for our family by my mother in law. We are in a tourist area so when in Rome do as the touristy Romans do! I am not exactly sure what I expected of the tour but there always seems to be a heavy emphasis on getting us to into a gift shop to purchased overpriced souvenirs. I was pleasantly surprised that this was not the case at Huan Coa Canopy Adventures. In fact other than tee-shirts there was nothing to buy! The staff were super friendly and really good at their job which is really important when guiding something as potentially dangerous as zip lining. Our main guide Jonathan was great with the kids and had a quirky dry sense of humour which meant people were serious about following the rules. We had a blast and it was great to get away from the diesel fumes and hustling of the Golden Zone. If you come to do the resort thing here in Mazatlan and want to take a tour, this is the one. You can walk Old Mazatlan on your own and while we haven’t been to Isla de las Piedras (Stone Island) yet I am told it is better done by yourself. Flying above the canopy like a Crested Caracara on the other hand is most definitely not something you should attempt without guidance!

Ok Second, and this is the part of the blog which is personal, it’s time to talk weight again. I am working on streamlining the facebook side of things. I want to be able to upload lots of pictures but not have to post them here on the blog out of respect for my poor friend Katherine (HI KATH!) who may still be on archaic internet. I plan to upload pics month by month to document our travels as an amendment to what is written here.

Last night I uploaded my first photo album of the trip and held my breath as I included a picture of me in my bathing suit. I know most womyn can relate to this. I have been body conscious my whole life, though now it has taken on a new flavour. I have never been a big person, even when I was at my biggest right after giving birth to my last two babies I was still fairly little with a lot of curves and softness. I didn’t see it this way then, I saw cellulite and folds of skin under my arms that I didn’t like. I use to say to Chris that I just didn’t feel like me.

Starting about 4 years ago I began to return to my pre-baby size. It was slow at first. Then last year when I had stopped trying to lose I shrank considerably. Eventually when my metabolism really sped up I had to work to keep weight on. I spent many a entry last year fretting, explaining, defending and pondering my weight loss.

I would like to tell you that the blog entry which brought the most traffic to my site was one where I waxed words, spread enlightening knowledge which challengd people, eventually changing their lives forever. The truth is it was the one with a shot of me in a bikini. I suspect this was because I used the words “before and after” in my tags (word which search engines search for), I will use them again and see if this one also gets hundreds of hits as well.

We live in a weight obsessed culture. I know I personally have spent more hours than I can even stomach thinking about my weight. What I never expected was the way I would be treated when I became as thin as I am today.

I still have issues with my body. Specifically it can be hard for me to feel womanly with breast as tiny as mine, especially immersed in Mexican culture where most womyn have these gorgeous curvy bodies, sexy hips and bodacious tattas! My mother in law asked me the other day if I have ever considered getting implants and suggested a surgeon. I had to leave the room to stop up my tears and avoid further painful conversation with her. Yes I KNOW I am “perfect just the way” I am, so please keep your medical referrals to yourself! Ugh

As I suspected the picture started off a flurry or comments which began with “Bernice, you look hungry” Again I cried. I replied, going into my spiel about how I eat butter and full fat yogurt, honey, and... and..... Chris gently reminded me, that I needn’t fall into the trap of explaining myself, that their comments were about themselves, their own weight issues, their projections. He encouraged me to save my energy, know what I know about me and send love to those whose path I have walked and understand well. And so with compassion for myself and others I offer this.

I am sorry. Sorry to any of you who I have judged because of your weight or body shape, no matter your size. I am sorry for the times I allowed my misunderstanding of the sacred nature of my own body to become a projection, one I made about you.

Tobias, that beautiful man who helped me create Ayla a little over 16 years ago, use to call himself a Fatist. He openly discriminated against overweight people and it use to really piss me off, partly because I judged myself as overweight. I now have been the target of discrimination based on my weight at the other end of the scale... and it hurts. I take this lesson to heart and thank all who have helped me to see that we all suffer from one form of self judgement or another. It presents itself in many forms. Under it all we want to be loved and excepted for our glorious beautiful selves and that love begins right here inside our own beautiful corazón.

I think I still want to do the question thing here on the blog... that part of the old project was really fun... so here is today's question. “What do you love about your own body?”

Feliz Navidad!

2010-12-25T15:52:00.000-08:00

This is my second Christmas below the tropic of Cancer. Both times I had a white Christmas but it was white sand rather than snow. The first was 16 years ago. Ayla was tucked warm and snug inside my belly, I was completely oblivious to her existence at the time. I celebrated the holidays with her biological father Tobias. I remember being home sick. This time around I did not miss home in the least.

Chris’ father died on Christmas Eve 4 years ago. Since then the holidays have been a struggle. The sadness mixes with Yule time stress and leaves little room for celebration and good cheer. This year I believe we broke the spell. It was an amazing Christmas. Here are a few of the highlights.

This year we awoke to find presents under the Christmas Piniata!

“Rudolpo the Deer” as he was called in the Hotel Activity Program, was there with a lot of energy considering his late night.

Yes you are seeing this correctly... that is Santa Clause parasailing in... I wonder if his sleigh was in for repairs?

And when he arrived there were presents for all the kids... even the naughty ones!

And no Christmas dinner is complete without entertainment... yes that is Elvis you see in the background, can you see the dreamy look in my eyes? He even came into the crowd and gave me a scarf... I quiver just thinking about it :oP

It was a rather unorthodox Christmas and it was so perfect <3

This is just a smattering of the photos from our White Sand Christmas... If you want to see more pictures click here and it will take you to the 12 days 2 inspire facebook group, from there just click on "Photos".

"How do you move on after experiencing a loss in your life?"

Down the Rabbit Hole

2010-12-20T09:39:00.000-08:00

Tonight the moon will be cleansed by darkness as the earth passes between her and the sun. She will slip away from the light so that she may be new while she is also full; she will walk on both sides, or float I suppose, lucky celestial body that she is. As we watch she will turn blood red. We will feel the magic as Monday (moon day) becomes Tuesday, as the 20th day becomes the 21st day. We will be exactly 2 years from the fabled day of December 21st 2012, the day predicted by the Mayan calendar to have significance beyond that which I can explain. It is Yule, or Solstice, a holy day for me and many others. Part of the reason for this half year trip to Mexico is to better understand the significance of December 21st 2012.

Last night I couldn’t sleep, my monthly ritual as the moon becomes full. I lay awake contemplating my animal totems. Rabbit, the one I have such a hard time accepting was right there next to snake, who scares me silly, this brings me back to rabbit. Rabbit medicine is fear, this medicine is strong in my life . While I can often appear fearless, those who know me well know how I live intimately with fear. Bravery is not the absence of fear but the willingness to act in the face of it.

This morning was my first time I attempted to walk out into the Mexican streets on my own. I admit to being affected by the collective fear that has been brewed via news reports of Mexican “civil war”. I was warned by many well meaning friends not to go out on my own, they feared who I might meet. As it turns out I met God in the face of a handsome elevator repairman. As I waited to board the elevator the doors parted and there he was. He politely directed me in broken English to use the stairs. I went the wrong way. I returned to the elevator confused and slightly frustrated by my inability to speak Spanish. This is when he invited me to ride on TOP of the elevator. I peered inside to see the old bricks of the elevator shaft, the mechanical workings on top of the box, and a handsome man inviting me for a ride. Seeing the dark cave and imagining entering into its darkness with a man I do not know and could barely communicate with made my rabbit fear jump, my heart began to thump wildly.

I wasn’t sure what to do. I was scared and didn’t know how to express this, which made it scarier! On the other hand I had been invited to experience something new by a beautiful man, this was was exciting, it made me blush a little. I have not been flirtatious for months, I liked felling this part of me stir again.

I have struggled since arriving with how to be a beautiful married womyn (who is in an open relationship) in this traditional Catholic culture. I can feel how my femininity attracts attention and Mexican men often do not hide their interest. This is a dance I can navigate when I am able to communicate verbally but without the language I am left with body language, eye contact and rudimentary hand signals. Not knowing how my eye contact and body language will be interpreted I feel a little like a peces out of agua.

There were so many reasons to say NO! , but I knew there was a lesson from rabbit in this. We are in a resort for the holidays, this was not some roving predator, he was there to fix the elevator. I made a decision, steadied my nerves and stepped inside the dark shaft. I looked him right in the eyes and said “I am scared”. I owned my feelings, took my rabbit medicine and saw my fear for what it was, a tool to protect me and a reminder to consider all factors. I also listened to my other instincts. All things considered I knew I was safe.

The doors closed as the man put one hand gently on my waist to steady me. My body came alive and I felt everything. I was acutely aware of where his fingers made contact with the tight bands of muscles which run down my abdomen, how his pinky brushed against the softness of my belly. I was begin supported by this large strong man and it felt divine. In the total darkness he whispered gently, “It’s chill” in a heavy Mexican accent. The elevator descended very slowly towards the ground. I was taking my trip down the rabbit hole.

When the doors opened on the first floor we were half a story up. The man let my waist go and jumped to the ground outside. I had such a strong urge to forget my feminine grace and jump like a child to the floor where I could scamper away. I remained composed, waiting for him to get into a position where he could lift me from under my arms safely to the ground.

I turned to the man who came to teach me trust and said “Gracias” with a smile which said so much more.

I am a self assured womyn filled with all manners of medicine, snake, owl, lynx, antelope, bear, fox and of course rabbit. Together this strong medicine has created a graceful womyn who can feel fear, honour its truth, and not let it rule. I walked out into the streets of Mazatlan alone and thanked God for this day which would bring me a blood red moon by its end. Tonight I will step over and walk on two sides, rabbit and snake, side by side.

“What animal totems do you relate to?”

Mexico...FINALLY!

2010-12-18T19:53:00.000-08:00

We are finally in Mexico! And it was no small feet! While waiting for our papers we did $300 damage to the camper, endured a torrential rain storm in the dessert, and Chris and I had our first real fight in months.

It was great actually. We both had so much pent up on this pressure cooker of the trip that it needed releasing. By the end we were cuddling while I cried tears which desperately needed to flow.

I have been through a lot in the last 5 months. The admission to myself that my relationship with Michael while incredible and loving was also debilitating and abusive; the pregnancy that came just weeks after the break up while I was in the midst of a painful hip injury that STILL has me grounded from performing or even dancing. Top that off with the miscarriage that lasted 49 days and then leaving my home for a 7 month journey.... and ya... I needed to let some emotions flow!

I know that conflict has to exist in a healthy growing relationship but I had become VERY shy of it. The way Michael and I dealt with it was not effective, in fact I would go so far to say it was destructive. I realized I was shying away from sharing myself with Chris because I had come to fear conflict. Well it showed up 2 nights ago when I could no longer deal with the sadness which is still seeping along with the anxiety of Ayla being in Mexico without us. She flew into Mazatlan yesterday with my mother in law, we were suppose to pick them up at the airport, but were still stuck in Tucson when they landed. My mama bear came out and so did my claws! Luckily Chris and I have almost 2 decades of experience dealing with conflict and in the end it was just what we needed.

With all the drama out of the way the Universe opened up the gates for us and Chris’s papers arrived yesterday afternoon. We set out this morning at 6 am to take full advantage of daylight hours, we are only travelling in the day for safety reasons. At the moment we are in San Carlos, Sonara.

WE are leaving tomorrow at 5am, so I am going to finish up my Chamomile tea and head to bed in the newly fixed camper, and dream of tomorrow night when I get to sleep in a BED!!

“What do you suppress?”

Next Chapter

2010-12-15T10:46:00.000-08:00

It has been a while... Hi everyone.

I am in Patagonia, Arizona just miles from the Mexican border. My family and I are travelling down to Mexico to spend the winter following our bliss. I know that to say such a thing is VERY new agey. Lately I have had the desire to stick my tongue out at all things new agey. I am beginning to realize that positive-at-all-costs new age thinking takes its toll, the hard stuff doesn’t go away it just festers. None the less it is true, we ARE following our bliss, going to Mexico to just do what we want to do, to do some major healing and find whatever it is one finds in a place like Mexico.

Our plan was to cross the border yesterday, and we did, but we got turned around 20 kilometres in because of an issue with our truck registration. It is registered in my mother in laws name, which is fine, but Chris needs a birth certificate confirming that she is his mother. His wallet sized birth certificate does not have his mothers name on it, so we are now waiting for the Alberta government to courier us one which does.

The border town of Nogales Arizona where we crossed was a strip mall hell, we camped there last night in a Wal*Mart Super Centre parking lot. The place was crawling with eager Christmas shoppers in a frenzy to fulfill their Christmas hopes and dreams. I could not stand the thought of spending another minute in Nogales so we asked around and found out about Patagonia, Arizona. “A little hippy town near the border”... just like Nelson, perfect.

When this trip was in its incubation stage Chris wanted to drive all the way to Patagonia... Chile. Eventually he reconsidered because of how much driving was involved, settled on travelling just Central America. Soon the itinerary became 6 months of leisurely travel in Mexico to visit communities and understand Mayan culture. Who knew that Chris’ dream of driving to Patagonia would come to fruition within the first leg of the trip?! He is one hell of a manifester!

Patagonia is a funky little town which is populated with mostly retires and artists. It is also home to The Tree of Life Rejuvenation Centre, founded by Dr. Gabriel Cousens, expert in raw and living foods nutrition, and researcher on the natural healing of diabetes. We went to the Tree of Life Cafe for dinner last night. We had a delicious fully raw meal which cost Chris and I 10 dollars each while the kids ate for free... how great is that?! Afterwards we were invited to use the hot tub and infrared sauna. Later today we will go back to sing Kirtan, walk their labyrinth and possibly even swim in their pool. So our first obstacle has worked out pretty well for us.

Before we left home our neighbours gave us one of our two dashboard Genesha’s, a tiny statue of an elephant Hindu deity who removes obstacles. It came along with a note which read “Happy travels! Remember the obstacles ARE the journey”. It would seem that our journey is well under way!

“What is your greatest obstacle?”

Squeeze it in!

2010-12-12T23:33:00.000-08:00

This post is kind of a cheat, but it is my blog and I make the rules!

This video was shot on December 12th, I am actually writing this entry on December 27th. I wanted to include the video because it has been one of the highlights of our trip so far.

My trip officially started on December 3rd when I flew down to LA. I stayed for a week with my soul sister Rachel and my God daughter Skylah while Chris, Lily and Rosy drove down from Nelson to pick me up. They stayed a night and then we made our way to San Diego where I met up with my friends Matthew and Mary... whose Mary you ask?

Mary Pinizzotto did project similar to mine, but instead of writing every day she danced every day. She recorded, edited and posted a dance on her blog Freebox every day for a year. Now that is commitment!

By divine organization I happened to be in San Diego (thousands of miles from my home) on the very day her project ended. Here is the dance that ended it all! Look for Matthew, Lily, Rosy, Chris and I dancing with the lovely Mary and her wonderfully supportive dance community. You are an inspiration Mary <3

“What do you do every day?”

109th Bead

2010-11-06T10:18:00.000-07:00

Om Namah Shivaya Gurave: I offer myself to Lord Shiva,the Auspiscious One, who is the true teacher Within and Without.
Saccidananda Murtaye: Who Assumes the forms of Reality, Consciousness and Bliss.
Nishprapanchaya Shantaya: Who is never absent and is full of peace.
Niralambaya Tejase: Independent existence, the vital essence of illumination.

I prayed today, 108 times as I sang the full Om Namah Shivaya mantra. My fingers prayed on each bead of my mala for this miscarriage to end. Today is 49th day of this miscarriage, 7 weeks, 7 sevens, seven completions of the life cycle, a good day for this lesson to be embodied.... fort this lesson to end... I am ready.

Eventually in the evening on this peaceful new moon my body let go, my baby let go and came out of me. It was non-eventful, no great pain or bleeding. He just quietly said good-bye. He is as big as a peanut and from the shape of his head, spine and limbs I know he made it to about 6 weeks. He left me before I took the herbs to end the pregnancy at 7 1/2 weeks. It was over before I even knew I was pregnant. He didn’t come to become my child in the flesh, but to teach me, he came as my 109th bead... my completion bead.. Thank you little one... Om Namah Shivaya.

My tiny teacher, my son is now wrapped in a ceremonial pouch, a new one which I found today because this morning something inside me knew it would end. Eventually there will be another ceremony to say good bye ... I am not sure when. This whole ordeal has brought so much pain... and so much healing. I will never be the same.

“What have you endured that has changed you forever?”

Day 12- Please let go little one

2010-11-04T20:12:00.000-07:00

I have not posted in over a month. I have been consumed by what is going on inside my body, which apparently wanted a baby more than I realized. The miscarriage I induced did not complete. I have been bleeding for 47 days now, waiting to pass something that is still inside me. I suspect it is my baby. I really do want another child, a son this time, but not like this. Not with this much pain. Please let go little one. Please let go body... He will come again when the time is right.

Day 11- Weeds

2010-09-27T17:37:00.000-07:00

Praying

It doesn't have to be the blue iris,
it could be weeds in a vacant lot,
or a few small stones;

just pay attention,

then patch a few words together
and don't try to make them elaborate,
this isn't a contest ....
but the doorway into thanks,
and a silence in which another voice may speak.

-Mary Oliver

I have a friend, a gorgeous human being both inside and out, who recently said to me “I don’t really know how to go into ceremony”. I had a hard time not laughing, which would have been very inappropriate given her delicate state. This womyn knows how to go into ceremony with such beauty, focus and devotion that I kneel down in awe of her abilities as a Priestess. Not the kind of Priestess that holds gathering or facilitates groups, but an everyday Priestess who ceaselessly prays with her every action, thought and word. She KNOWS how to go into ceremony, she just don’t know that she knows.

She told me about a night when she found herself half way up a mountain DEMANDING God give her what she asked for. This is something I struggle with. I pray more in the style of “You tell me what is needed of me and I will do my very best” . I meekly ask God for things here and there but am more likely to wait to be told God’s will and see what happens. She explained to me how important it was to help God out, let him (her) know what I really want. That when the time comes when I ferociously KNOW what I need that I must actually DEMAND it! I admit to fearing wrathful spite at being so firm with God, but then remembered that I don’t believe in a wrathful God and take heed of her wise words.

So what do I want right now? I don’t know... I don’t know that to ask for. I know I want peace, but nothing more specific is percolating. Peace is in short supply these days, though turmoil is teaching me to find peace within the intensity. To find it even when there are just a tiny little pockets of it. To relish it, crawl deep inside and let it take care of me.

On the day this friend told me she didn’t know how to go into ceremony, she was dealing with the life and death cycle which plays out in the female body. She had begun to bleed at 9 weeks pregnant, she miscarried a week later. She took her baby to the river and went into ceremony to say good bye, just as I did days ago. When she told me how she and her partner honoured their child we wept together. We are sisters now in a way we could never have been without a similar grief that was shared at the same time in our lives. Our journeys were different. She is 12 years younger than I and has no children. Her pregnancy was a surprise but a welcome one, this couple was ready to share their love with a baby. I already have 3 beautiful children. My pregnancy was also a surprise and while there is deep love for this baby and between his father and I, our relationship is fraught with conflict to the point that there is no longer contact between us. I chose my miscarriage, my friend did not, regardless we are both grieving. So we took our grief and went into ceremony, we honoured our babies.

So next time you feel grief, or immense joy, or anything at all that pulls at you to be celebrated or honoured. Find some weeds and small stones, say some words, express to source what is in your heart. Know that this is prayer, this IS ceremony. No one has to show you how, there is no manual or right way to bring yourself to God... all you need is right there within you.

“How do you go into ceremony?”, because I know you do, even if you haven’t called it that before.

Day 10- Equanimity: It Happens in the Body!

2010-09-25T18:47:00.000-07:00

I found the following on good old facebook, my friend Tori shared it. It spoke so deeply to me with its complete simplicity. A truth I have known and couldn’t find the words to express. I think Shinzen did a bang up job... how about you?

Equanimity: the Radical Permission to Feel
--by Shinzen Young (Jul 05, 2010)
Listen To Reading!

Equanimity is a fundamental skill for self-exploration and emotional intelligence. It is a deep and subtle concept frequently misunderstood and easily confused with suppression of feeling, apathy or inexpressiveness.

Equanimity comes from the Latin word aequus meaning balanced, and animus meaning spirit or internal state. As an initial step in understanding this concept, let's consider for a moment its opposite: what happens when a person loses internal balance.

In the physical world we say a person has lost balance if they fall to one side or another. In the same way a person loses internal balance if they fall into one or the other of the following contrasting reactions:

* Suppression –A state of though/feeling arises and we attempt to cope with it by stuffing it down, denying it, tightening around it, etc.
* Identification –A state of thought/feeling arises and we fixate it, hold onto it inappropriately, not letting it arise, spread and pass with its natural rhythm.

Between suppression on one side and identification on the other lies a third possibility, the balanced state of non-self-interference…equanimity.

Equanimity belies the adage that you cannot “have your cake and eat it too. ”When you apply equanimity to unpleasant sensations, they flow more readily and as a result cause less suffering. When you apply equanimity to pleasant sensations, they also flow more readily and as a result deliver deeper fulfillment. The same skill positively affects both sides of the sensation picture. Hence the following equation:

Psycho-spiritual Purification = (Pain x Equanimity) + (Pleasure x Equanimity)

Furthermore, when feelings are experienced with equanimity, they assure their proper function as motivators and directors of behaviour as opposed to driving and distorting behaviour. Thus equanimity plays a critical role in changing negative behaviours such as substance and alcohol abuse, compulsive eating, anger, violence, and so forth.

Equanimity involves non-interference with the natural flow of subjective sensation. Apathy implies indifference to the controllable outcome of objective events. Thus, although seemingly similar, equanimity and apathy are actually opposites. Equanimity frees up internal energy for responding to external situations. By definition, equanimity involves radical permission to feel and as such is the opposite of suppression. As far as external expression of feeling is concerned, internal equanimity gives one the freedom to externally express or not, depending on what is appropriate to the situation.

--Shinzen Young, from "What is Equanimity"

I believe the key to this wisdom is that the feelings are to be EXPERIENCED... truly EMBODIED.

It is a process, feelings being truly experienced IN THE BODY is the first step. Equanimity comes as the process of experiencing feelings becomes comfortable even when the feelings themselves are not comfortable.

Actually FEELING our feeling is not something many of us were taught. Luckily we can teach ourselves and each other. We have everything we need right here ♥

“How do you experience your feelings in your body?“

Day 9- Thank You for this Day Spirit

2010-09-23T01:46:00.000-07:00

The Birth of Will.

There are two ways to give birth. To give birth to body and spirit together or to give birth to spirit alone.

When I discovered in early September that I was pregnant I had to make a choice between giving birth to spirit in body form, a living breathing magical human being, or giving birth to a glorious spirit in spirit form, letting my child fly back to source. I chose spirit in spirit form.

I made this choice by listening to my highest authority and asking “How do I best serve?”. This decision we as womyn make is one of the few black and white choices which actually exist for a human being, we choose to let the baby live in our womb or to surrender the spirit back to our heart. There is no grey, no middle ground, this can make the decision heart wrenching. Often there is no clean clear yes or no instead there are a million reasons all weighed against one another on an often impossible choice which can not be undone. We must somehow boil things down to a choice of staying pregnant or ending the pregnancy, there is no middle ground.

I asked my son to wait for another time, one when I was not in so much pain, where we could be supported in the way we deserved. I whispered to him as I held my hands cross my full womb,

“Come again little one if it is really important we meet in the flesh, I trust you to know when. For right now your mama needs to serve in the way she knows best, and this time I choose giving birth to your spirit alone. I love you little one, thank you for choosing me. You are holy.... holy... holy”

In the quite of the night as the moon was coming full, on the last day of summer with the aid of herbs and a powerful vow to the Divine I went through labour as I have before. The contractions felt different without a full grown baby inside my belly but similar enough to know this process and to trust my bodies wisdom. This birth was different, there was no breathing baby at the end this time. There was human flesh though, clots and membranes, evidence that my sons spirit had released, tangible proof of my pregnancy. I wrapped the flesh in a leather pouch and went to the river. I went in ceremony and gave the flesh back to the mother, where we all go eventually when our bodies no longer serve us. I said good-bye and told my son, Will, how much I loved him and whispered... holy... holy... holy ... because we are.

Too many womyn feel ashamed to tell their stories of choosing abortion. Even the word abortion sounds harsh and accusing. Too many womyn hide their truth because we still live in a culture where abortions are generally tolerate but only to be spoken of in wispers. There is still silence, and with this silence an implied shame. I chose an induced miscarriage. I feel it is not only my right but my duty as an empowered womyn who has known fertility and sexuality in so many of its forms to tell my truth. I choose to speak out and do my part to create a culture where womyn are no longer judged or merely tolerated but supported and cared for no matter what we choose to do with our wombs.

A simple “What are you thankful for?” seems appropriate. I am sure I have asked it before, and will again...

Day 8- Ask 3 times...

2010-09-21T14:37:00.000-07:00

Hot on the heels of Yom Kippur, the day of atonement, I find this poem. It was given to by one of my Teachers, a man who gives of his spirit endlessly.

The Healing Time

Finally on my way to yes
I bump into
all the places
where I said no
to my life
all the untended wounds
the red and purple scars
those hieroglyphs of pain
carved into my skin,
my bones,

those coded messages
that send me down
the wrong street
again and again
where I find them
the old wounds
the old misdirections
and I lift them
one by one
close to my heart
and I say
holy
holy
holy.

Pesha Gertler

Tomorrow is Mabon or Fall Equinox, a time of balance between light and dark. As the time of high festivities comes to an end, as the summer takes her youthful place behind Autumn, we honour equanimity. After 3 months of packing in all that summer brings we stand in awe of the majesty of our abundance. Whether it comes as this festival is often know in the form of food from the ground or from some other area of the hearts planting and tending, now is the time to honour what we have created in our own lives. There are always times for “should have” and “could have”, now is not one of those. If you find yourself judging what “mistakes” may have lessened your bounty, remember lessons are learned in tricky ways sometimes, don’t be so quick to dismiss those mistakes as wrong doings. Forget all of that and instead look at your life.... and whisper
...holy
holy
holy.

This is the wisdom of Yom Kippur, ask atonement of your bones and forgiveness is given so long as you yourself grant it. It can happen in an instant. It is just that simple... no t’s to cross, no i’s to dot.

I forgave myself today. I love you Will.

“For what do you ask or give forgiveness?“

Day 7- An Angry Bird

2010-08-21T00:59:00.000-07:00

A Caged bird
Longs to fly, to be free of her cage atop the fence where the bass pounds,
attacking from vicious angles.
My life is a shambles,
pure love becomes a cage, and now I am a bird.
What was I before?
Look it up ! Look it up!
... but where?
in journals?
pictures?
emails?
Where to look but into my own heart,
this little heart that pounds so fast,
so hard,
so true,
i am here... SEE me!

Please.

... please see me... please.
My devotion, my care and my Teachings...
Will you learn to listen so we can go home together and cuddle,
find peace?
ease.

Listen...look it up
you CAN understand me, we can find a way back to love...look it up!
...but where?
In your mind?
In your stories?
in your heart? Your heart so divinely connected to my own.
Connection created by a sacred practice.
Do you remember my heart?
The heart of the one who loves you,
the one you called in,
asked in written word to show up and “Call you on your shit”
.... listen to me...
.... listen to me...
...listen to me...
listen....

Do you hear that sound?

Thwack thwack thwack
my own head against a wall over and over.
How many more times can I say it until you will listen?
How many times can I say this until I will listen?
When will I stop my own painful self punishment.
How much longer will I ignore the fingers at the end of each of these delicate wings
how much longer till I slip the latch, open the lock, and set myself free?

When will the longing to fly be stronger than the longing to remain caged?

Day 6- For What Good?

2010-07-28T22:25:00.000-07:00

A friend and faithful supporter of this blog asked me this on facebook:

"And where have you been? Missed u :-)"

Where I have been is trying to sort out what the hell to do with my life. I haven’t read the blog for months, I haven't thought much about it, hadn’t thought to go read it till yesterday. I didn’t find anything new which is, I suppose, because I hadn’t written and submitted anything to read ....Hmmm I wonder if there is a connection?

I am floating free. With little to hold me down I have been travelling, spending time with my precious children who definitely lost some of my focus during the project. I am enjoying the ease of not living in blog land with my partners, man did it test our relationships, things were just so out there in the open. I know I am not telling you anything you didn’t know or at least suspect. I was so deep in it though, so blind to the water in which I swam. Don’t get me wrong I wouldn’t take it back; I grew from doing this work, in ways I never would have imagined at the outset. In the end all my relationships are far better off. It is more that I didn’t see how the pace of my awakening to myself was effecting those around me, constantly getting used to my next lesson, my next entry, my next commitment, none of which they had much say in. My family is amazing, truly amazing.

Thank you Chris, Lily, Ayla, Rosy, Michael.... I want you to know I thought very hard about how to order your names and decided random was my best bet.

So where have I been? Nowhere and Everywhere. I have travelled but always close to home. I went to rehearsal yesterday. I am performing with the Arise Dance Troupe in the Finale for the Labyrinth at Shambala. Here in the Kootenays we throw Canada’s Largest Electronic Music Festival in the middle of a forest with a river running through it. I live in Heaven so I have been sticking close to home and enjoying myself.... and trying to figure out what the hell to do with my life...any ideas?

(Arrise Dance Troupe Performance at Shambala 2010)

I feel like asking a question, for old times sake.

“For what good?” is the question. It is a little vague, but that is why I like it. Ask yourself for “For what good?” and then just see where your mind goes, notice it because it means something, but don’t analyse it, just notice it. Then ask again “For what Good?”, and again and again..... after the 12th to 50th time things will get juicy. That is where you might want to start writing it down. I look forward to reading the answers :oD

Day I am not Sure

2010-06-18T16:12:00.000-07:00

Wow...what a trip. I completely dropped out of computer land, I am not even doing emails. The project ended, I came out for my ,as per usual, long drawn out encore and even the "show after the show" ....then BAM!... I really got to feel what it was like to be at the end of the project.

"What I Have Learned; a check list."

-Damn did I need a break from the computer!!

-Damn was that hard! I had no idea until I was out of it for real how different I now was, that even my fingers are different from tying for so long. They are now distressed that I have stopped typing actually. I keep getting nerve pain in the hand I broke punching a wall shortly before I began this project. (long story)

-I learned that I am terrible when not engaged!! I fret so much over not being on track, or growing, or contributing (right now mostly financially which is killing me, damn do I want to make my own money!!!)

-That I want to do another blogging project and am struggling to come up with something that is lucrative, relatively stress free and growing from the success I gained of my own accord. I DID it! I built 12days2inspire.com on my own and I did really well, I want to build on this! I also know that I want the new project to mean me writing and doing art and dancing...yes dancing!!

-I learned that despite all the growth that the project and blog brought into my personal life, that I still have some old patterns which are stuck. I still struggle with how to see through the veils. I still have baggage and I still strive for perfection which I espouse to only "exist with flaws".... I learned that I am my own worst critic. obstacle, and disbeliever.

-I learned that I really do believe in myself...eventually. That believing in myself is not a finite destination but a journey where I still fuck up (the word fuck only used for literary emphasis). I learned that believing in myself means picking myself up, recommitting to myself and believing again. I believe in myself even when I don't, this is my practice, one of many.

-I learned that I have a very strong, varied and unorthodox practice that doesn't fit in a box or on a Soul Motion application form very well. I often have a difficult time explaining it, this makes it difficult to communicate. I also learned that even when I can't explain something it doesn't change that I know it, that it is my truth.

-I learned that I love my sisters, and that I love my brothers, and that ultimately what is left to learn for us here on this sweet beautiful planet is to GET ALONG!. Divine female, Divine male, regardless of sexual orientation or choices, womyn and men need to learn to get along. Sisters need to learn to get along, to not believe in scarcity of love, because we all know that what we have in common as sisters is how much we want love. And the brothers need to learn to get along so they can talk, understand each other, trust each other to trust the sisters to love each other, so we can honour our brothers. It's time.

Day 5- Why I Choose It...

2010-05-19T09:11:00.000-07:00

This video is why I do the work I do. Why I have dedicated my life to dance even though it didn’t turn out the way I imagined it would when I was 16.

Then I wanted to be a professional dancer. Wanted the theatre life, and to dance dance dance all the time, move my body and find God there. The thing was the dance world where I existed, in front of mirrors, performing predetermined steps judging my every move, began to robe me of my confident and along with that my love for the art form. At 21 I quit when I became the mother of one beautiful light being. Years past and slowly slowly I began to dance again. My life is now back to being filled with endless rehearsals and costuming conundrums. The difference now is how I feel in my dance, how I feel about my dance. I may not be as flexible as I was, my artistic line on stage may not present quite as well as it did when my choreographers were top notch and on staff at a performance arts school, but now my spirit and confidence get to come with me up on stage. Like the little girls in this video I dance to be free, to ride a cloud, to listen to my heart, to BE the wooden floor, no separation between me and anything. No separation between me and the people I am dancing with, or the ones down the hall, out to the street, I am connected through this dance to every living being. From the floor I can step ANYWHERE!

Tomorrow night I will perform with the Arise Sacred Dance Troupe, our debut performance. It will have glitches and likely will not run 100% smooth, we have never done this before. Luckily we are not doing this to be flawless. It is our first, first of many and instead of flawless we strive to be authentic, to inspire and to awaken. Thank you to Eau Vive and Heather for pulling this whole thing together, for being amazing, for being courageous, for creating a safe container for our glorious lights shine. THANK YOU! Thank you!Thank you.

Come see us tomorrow if you are in Nelson. Support us as we open the door, step on the floor and change the world with our expression of love and hope using our bodies as our tool.

Day 4- New Moon

2010-05-13T22:40:00.000-07:00

Tonight I set the intention to manifest and commit to:

Positive cash flow
Acceptance and celebration of my body in all my shapes and forms.
Fully embracing my monthly New Moon Ceremony.
To trusting this journey, no matter how the journey feels or looks.

We (Jill and I) went to Taghum beach, we danced on the beach, and almost lost our journals. Then we burnt our intentions in a big bonfire. It was brilliant and nourishing.

Happy New Moon all!

Day 3- Harder Than I Thought.

2010-05-12T21:55:00.000-07:00

Reintegrating this blog into my life has proved more difficult than I expected, in a really bizarre way that I never imagined. It is not that I don’t want to write, I really miss writing, I haven’t felt nearly as inspired since I quit. What I am working on figuring out is how to adapt my posting and editing skills to this new not-a-commitment. They were so regimented before, in a laissez faire sort of way. Now they are laissez faire in a no direction kinda way. I have scads of half written posts and TONS of ideas but writing and editing later became my habit. With my new desire to be authetic, present, now, by the time I edit the entry is no longer current and then I decide not relevant (or something) so I haven’t proceed to publishing any of them. Ugh.... self direction has never been my strong point. It is why I create things like www.12days2inspire.com. There is so much I want to do, write, paint, dance, build community, perform, travel. I am struggling with finding a direction, well that is not true, I am struggling to STICK with A direction.

I wrote a grant last week, with a deadline. Perfect. Wouldn’t you know it, I manage to be involved with writing two grants, finding profit numbers, and networking the projects along the way. I did this while working with two different partners. It was fabulous. You know what the grant writing and this blog have in common? Deadlines. I work well with deadlines...I just don’t like them. Or maybe it is just that I don’t like too many of them. I am definitely liking not having the heavy commitment of the 12 days project on my shoulders, I do see though how I created my own deadline and managed to be more efficient.... Double Ugh. Finding the balance between inspiration, motivation, discrimination, perspiration, concentration, and dedication is a six sided dance, a tetrahedron of body, mind, and spirit.

Speaking of math. Here is an amazing short. A mathematical explanation for the beauty of the world. It is set to music that can be felt in the heart and has kick ass visuals. I wonder if the soundtrack is somehow based on the Fibonacci sequence? That would be the full meal deal!

I watched it over and over.... math makes sense when I watch it this way..

Day 2- I Want Some Money!!

2010-04-28T20:40:00.000-07:00

I have been away from this blog for a while. I can tell you it feels REALLY good to not have entries looming over my head...and.... I miss it too. It is a mixed bag for sure.

Anyway I am writing a couple of grants at the moment. Well mostly I am writing one and Michael is writing another. We are looking to get some money to finance a couple of dance projects. So my writing hasn’t stopped, it just got boring.

I will write something more interesting here on the blog soon, when I am finished grant writing...I like saying that...“grant writing”. It makes me feel so grown up and sophisticated.

Day 1- The Forest is coming Alive.

2010-04-22T01:03:00.000-07:00

Why does writing an entry today feel more scary than ever before?

An ant flew down my back as I wrote that last sentence, how creepy is that? Kinda like tonight's entry is an admission of entering into the jungle. A place where the body rules the way, in a year I now know as the year I will travel between Nelson, BC, Northern Washington, California and Central America, following the worlds of my passion, my family and dance community. This year where I will begin my training as a Soul Motion teacher, a term I know is silly, this year when the ant walked back onto my screen and reminds me that the forest is coming alive again. It is time to go close the door.

As for why the idea of writing now is scary, it is simply more naked. Now I write when I want to, and in admitting this I admit to you that I want to. From now on how honest I am is on my own terms, no score to fulfill, no rules to follow, from here it is just me...no gimmicks. Unless I come up with one by tomorrow that is.

Ahhh, an Alexi Murdoch song just came on, and I am tired. I am going now to fall asleep to his marshmallowy voice.

To all who read this...thanks for hangin out... for checking in when it was just me you were looking for.

Day 12 Easy- Easy

2010-04-17T09:43:00.000-07:00

So this is it...the kinda end. I mean not really. I will keep blogging, at least until I decided to do something else. It won’t be every day though. I am going to try something radical and post when I am inspired to...I know crazy.

So thanks everyone... I know it is kinda anti climactic, what with all these “endings” and “goodbyes“, especially given not a lot will change. I do feel like I needed to mark the end somehow though...I just can’t come up with anything really good. Hmmmm....

(insert idea from Chris, and he and Michael singing to me.)

Hey how about that for a nice ending !? Here I sit on my bed, Michael is sending emails, Chris is looking at turkey hunting websites and I am writing my last entry. Life is good, life is easy, love prevails.

Love you all, enjoy the video.

Day 11 Easy- Nothing to See Here

2010-04-16T09:43:00.000-07:00

Leadership is less about my role and more about my engagment with self and community in service of making change for the better. ~Ken Otter

Day 10 Easy- See Saw Relief

2010-04-15T09:43:00.000-07:00

The leaves have arrived! There are flowers everywhere. Life is good!

My facebook status reads, “Bernice Raabis loves today...it is my favourite out of lots and lots of days”.

I believe my spring fever has finally broken...you can all come out of your homes now. For those of you who live where there is little or no snow and cold, I am not joking here... I go a little crazy in the spring and this was a tough one! Just ask my family and friends who put up with me for the last few weeks. Anyway all is well...it might have something to do with being past the new moon too. Whatever the cause, I am grateful.

And so in honour of spring finally giving way to the side of summer, here is a little tweaked Rumi

“You were born of pure potential.
You were born with goodness and trust,
You were born with intuition and feeling.
You were born with greatness.
You were born with wings!

You were never meant to crawl for long, by now you have mastered your legs.... It is time to awaken to your wings.

The time is now,
learn to use them,

and fly!

-Rumi and Bernice”

Day 9 Easy- The Work is the Same

2010-04-14T09:43:00.000-07:00

“We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same.” - Carlos Castaneda

I just finished a 6 week Compassionate Communication course tonight. Michael taught the class. I learned something each and every time I went. It was not always easy. We were going through some really tough times these last 2 months. I am both proud and grateful that I stuck it out and went to all but one class, which I was in Alberta for. It couldn’t have been easy for Michael either to teach Compassionate Communication with me there in a the room, we were having such a hard time communicating then. I am proud of us both. I love us both. I am blessed to have him in my life, no matter what the future holds for us.

We had another speed bump after class. He might not be able to make an event I am putting on, I was hurt, and there was potential for it to all go sideways again...but that is not what happened. Mostly due to Michael's efforts to stay centred and grounded in love we made it through. The circumstances which presented the speed bump still exist, I don’t know what will happen there, but I do know he loves me. For now this is enough.

Thanks for everything Baby.

Oh oh and one more thing...tonight is the new moon and I was told the beginning of the lunar new year, though I am not sure in what tradition. We did a new moon ceremony to finish up Michael’s class, which was wonderful and perfect. I chose to set intentions for not only the month, like I always do on the new moon, but also for the whole year.

This new moon I set intentions for ease, abundance and adventure....and so it is!

What a year it is going to be... (BIG SMILE)

Look Mom...no journal question!! YEEHAW!

Day 8 Easy- Home sweet Home

2010-04-13T09:43:00.000-07:00

Summer is really coming...you know how I know? We had our first wiener and marshmallow roast tonight. I came home to find Chris and our new neighbour, Seth, in the back yard with the girls, they were already into the marshmallows. We all shot the Rosy’s bow for a while (yes you read that right Ruthie, my 7 year old has her own bow, I am sure you will get a smile out of Roger with that one), and then I went for a little walk with Dixie.

I wandered over to our garage property. I call it “ours“ even though it now belongs to Seth and Katie. I never really said good bye to this land, a half acre overlooking Nelson with a view so beautiful it is still hard to believe we will never see it out the front window of our family home. See when we bought this place, 3 half acre lots, we had a whole plan of how we were going to work things.

(This is not a great pic, and yes we NEED to fall that big mostly dead conifer, but I am sure you get the idea)

The plan was to live on the lot with the house (the house we live in now). Build on the garage property and use the other lot, which has a barn, for livestock and gardens. In the end we would sell the lot with the house and end up with our dream home and garden on one acre, 5 minutes from downtown Nelson. By selling the house and lot we lived in while building we could pay off our mortgage entirely. We would have realized a dream we set in place 10 years earlier.

Sometimes things don’t go as planned.

Our lives changed considerably. I usually say things changed “after Chris’ accident” but to be honest, our lives changed long before that, back when we lived in Pemberton. These changes did not add up to a couple who could build our dream home, at least not yet. When finances became an issue we made the tough decision to sell the garage lot, the one with the best view and building potential, we knew it was the one that would sell. As I walked around the property, drinking from Seth’s mason jar filled with pure clean mountain water untouched by an human processing, I thought about the whole new life that we had created. It doesn’t include the property I went to say good bye to tonight, what it does in include is Seth and Katie and their new baby boy. Seth helped Chris fix our roof today. He and Katie brought us dried apples for Christmas. They will bring so much more into our life than a half acre and a big building for cars. Next door is Al and Massa, who will bring even more life to our community on the mountain in 6 weeks when they have their own baby. Then there is Oma and Opa, a couple in their 80’s who know more about this mountain than anyone. And another couple who were just married...no word on kids yet. Then there are the friends, all the people who wander up here to visit and help us to create our community, and come up for a wiener roast and a warm place to crash for the night.

Chris left for a parent teacher meeting shortly after I got home, Seth left too. I am now writing, while the kids are cleaning up after dinner with Richard. They only came into the house because they finally gave up shooting the bow as the sun set...at 7:38pm!!!! It is official summer is FINALLY coming...and it is about time!

We lived a blessed life!

So this is the last journal question ever...I am feeling the pressure a little here...but it is pretty easy to just follow the flow of the entry and go with “How are you blessed? ” the final question in the final journal. 12 days journal #366

All I got to do now is finish out this commitment...4 more days... wow.

Day 7 Easy- Truth, Ease and Joy!

2010-04-12T09:43:00.000-07:00

To sum up today I give you this very well thought out love poem.

“Roses are Red
Violets are Blue
Today I found Ease
and some Joy too.”

So why is “truth” included in today's entry title? Honesty is a funny thing, I find there are times I believe I am being honest and within a short period of time realize I was not. In tomorrows post you will read that it is the last journal question I ever had to come up with. TRUTH is I wrote it before I wrote this one.

Throughout this project I had to make rules for myself to keep this project both truthful and REALISTIC, to keep myself honest and sane. I made a rule that any time I sat down to write, I had to start with that days entry. Even if I had editing or filling in to do for days gone past, that days post being authentically motivated by the now was most important for the intergity of the project. So yesterday evening I wrote, with the intention of getting to this entry later, which never happened. So I am writing the last 3 paragraphs and the question for 12 days journal #365 today (April 14th)...today is actually the last day I will come up with a question, which is perfect since 3 years out ever 4 only have 365 days anyway. The (real last) question for today’s journal is “How truthful are you?”

I have to say I am pretty truthful, and even THEN, you will read tomorrows post and see I told an untruth and didn’t even realize it at the time. I am doing the best I can. I trust in this.

Day 6 Easy- Anger

2010-04-11T09:17:00.000-07:00

I am so angry this morning. I am angry because I am tired of feeling sad and frustrated at not being able to meet my needs, anger seems to be a natural progression. I have heard it said that anger is actually just a really clear indication that change is necessary.

I want change. I want to run away, find some magic that eludes me here. I think I might. If you will take me in for a few days send me an email 12days2inspire@gmail.com

I love Nelson, and being here is too hard right now.

12 days journal #364 has the question “When you need to get away where do you go?” inside it, or it will, when I make it. Which I will do on my mystery trip and then I will give them away when I am in..... God knows where...oh how I hope there is a warm beach there.

Day 5 Easy- Blah!!

2010-04-10T09:18:00.000-07:00

I was sick all weekend which triple sucks because what I need more than anything is to go have fun. My mystery illness felt like someone had poured lighter fluid into my small intestine and would intermittently light it up. I missed a party in the valley where there are fresh faces, new connections, a new start. I am ready for the next step God. This perceived stagnation of mine is driving me round the bend. BLAH!!!

“What has recently changed in your life?” is the question in 12 days journal #363

Day 4 Easy- The Gift

2010-04-09T19:10:00.000-07:00

Needing a Mirror

Your eyes are so wise.
They keep turning and turning, Needing to Touch Beauty.

They keep turning to find a mirror who will caress you as... I.

-Me and Hafiz and Daniel

Beltane approaches and my body years. Like a flower pressing up through the cold hard earth...towards...sunshine, bare skin, summer love.

This time of year is always so hard...in certain ways.... and then I remember it is majestic in others.

Today I stood dancing in an alley, warm sun on my back as snow flakes fell, sticking to my shawl. I danced like a crow, arms spread, welcoming spring, again, in all her trickster ways. I was with good friends, all new within the last 2 years. Oh my how quickly my life changes.

Drink in every moment brothers and sisters, there is so much beauty out there.

“What does you body yearn for?” is the question in 12 days journal #362

Day 3 Easy- Perfect Day

2010-04-08T21:12:00.001-07:00

As of today I have submitted an entry on this blog every single day for a full year. Wow.

I had an amazing day, won a court case, found peace and love with Michael, a new studio opportunity popped up, and I had dinner with a dear friend and my family in a warm, cozy home. It was all so beautiful and easy....And.... I still I feel sadness... loss. It doesn’t consume like it did in the past, its grip is now more of a gentle hand hold, it is still there though... I suppose this is the human side of this human experience.

“I Thank God for being human every morning.
-Michael Franti”

And just to give you one more little morsel of love here is what tonight's tea bag said:

“Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.
-Carl Jung”

“What does it mean to ‘awaken’?” is the question in 12 days journal #361

P.S. Someone posted a comment yesterday under the name “anonymous“ asking if/saying I was ”losing it, eh ?“. I laughed and thought,” losing“? Ha! I lost it a long time ago! A sense of humour is essential when committing to anything for a year!

Day 2 Easy- Om Tara

2010-04-07T22:29:00.000-07:00

“Sometimes Love wants to reach out and manhandle me, break all my coffee shop talk of God.

If I had the courage to give God his way, some nights he would drag me round the room by my hair. Ripping from my grip all those gadgets of the world that bring me no real Joy.

Love sometimes gets tired of reflective listening and instead wants to rip to shreds all my misguided ideas of truth. These ideas that make me fight within myself, and with those I love. Causing the World to weep on too many wondrous days.

God wants to Manhandle me, lock us in a tiny room together and practice his drop-kick! Wants to do me the great favour of holding me by the pant legs to shake all the nonsense out.

And when I hear that he is in such a “playful drunken mood”, I quickly pack my bags, ready to hightail it out of town.

Hafiz...with a little help from Bernice. (say it out loud it kinda rhymes)“

Thank you to Neil who delivered this poem to me today. Today was a magical glorious day...perfect

“How do you show yourself empathy?“ is the question in 12 days journal #360

(I added a picture of a puffin, they are my new favourite bird)

Day 1 Easy- Jan Van Eyck

2010-04-06T20:21:00.000-07:00

Every Prophet’s Name

I found completeness when every breath began to silently say the name of my Lord.

That name, my conception of him, extended to me a hand that led to a place where even HIS divine name could not exist... Why?

Most sounds express discontent, longing or negotiation. The tea pot may whistle out an ecstatic cry, but even that I have learned to control until everything I knew burst into a glorious symmetry.

I have no seam, no walls, no law.
My frontiers and God’s are the same.

One Divine Being IS existence.
All the forest on this earth are but one tiny wood fibre, a particle in one spoke on the Universal wheel.

What is the relationship of form to the unseen aspects of God?
What percentage of God is unseen?
What percentage of the Truth of him do we Know?

He led me to a place where only Light existed.
Yet only in Us is God so lost that he asks questions.

The Soul outside all walls never troubled him, never wondered things like, “Where are you my Beloved?”

For now your arms and God’s arms are intertwined!

I said to my Lord, “This Holy Place I have entered...is Your Name the only key to it?”

My Lord replied, “How old do you think existence is? For Eons of time souls have been entering Me. Every prophet’s Name is a key... as is every Heart full of forgiveness and Love.

-Saint Theresa of Ávila...with a little Bernice flavour.

“What is your purpose?” is the question in 12 days journal #359

Encore Commitment! "Kinda"

2010-04-06T10:02:00.001-07:00

I commit for the next 12 days to do...nothing in particular. Easy hey?!

I have to tie up some loose blog ends. I finished the commitment to this project as it was designed by yours truly. I am satisfied and proud as hell. Now though I want to smooth some things out.

When this whole crazy thing began I wasn’t blogging. The first blog entry was submitted on April 9th, on Day 11 of my commitment to cleanse my system. I also did not start making 12 days journals until I commited to climbing Pulpit Rock for 12 days. What this all means is I actually have to submit 3 more entries to have made an entry-a-day for a full year and I need 8 more journal questions to make 366, the number of days in a leap year. These things are important to me. I came this far...what is one more 12 day commitment?

It needs to be easy though, so I am committing to nothing. I will write an entry because I want these loose ends neat and tidy, but other than that I am going to do NO THING!

Day 12 Final Commitment- Begin again

2010-04-05T12:41:00.000-07:00

I must have come up with at least 12 excellent ways to begin this last entry, some funny, some poignant, all deep. This feels like a lot of pressure, how can I come up with the ultimate ending? Too much pressure. ACK.

So what have I learned from all this? Well that I am tough as nails, but I always knew that. That I am a little bit crazy, again I knew that. How about that sacred sexuality, self determination, felt presence and real human connection are all essential ingredients of what make me Me. I learned that they are not negotiable anymore. I learned that transparency and truth are essential, but that they are to be respected because they have power. I learned also that I am powerful, and must remember humility. Being powerful with integrity means being responsible. If I am to remain awake I must be responsible for myself, take it seriously...and then remember not to take myself so seriously.

I have no idea how to explain how I feel today as this project ends. I know that my heart pushes at my rib cage. This blessed rib cage of mine, made of bone, cartilage, and connective tissue, all things less plastic than the heart they protect. My rib cage is having a hard time keeping up. My heart feels a melange of sadness, appreciation, fear, worry, joy , loneliness, hope, faith and love love love. As I sit in Oso Negro, my office for much of this project, the noise and energy is so vibratory that I need to step outside. It is a sunny spring holiday, and so many people are here, endless possibilities for human connection. Stepping outside was a good way to go. I spent over an hour talking out back, doing the work, knowing summer would bring even more of this time. This is what it is all about anyway, getting the most out of every moment, the luxury of ignoring this offering is no longer an option.

So the question is simply...what do I do next? Though I will surely try to complicate the answer, I am sure it too is simple. Easy. Part of “Easy” is doing some writing for other projects, ones with a more forgiving timeline, ones which pay well so that I can continue to create. I am looking to use what I have learned from this years project to contribute to what comes next. I will be watching for job opportunities which allows me the freedom to be just as I have been here on the blog, I am prepared for something beyond my imagination. How exciting! I have put it out there, and it is coming...easy.

As for reading the rest of the blog. I am in the process. I committed to it and I keep my commitments. I will however modify a commitment if it is causing me more discomfort than is healthy. When this happens I find a way to fulfill my commitments while staying true to me. This is why I changed how I was fulfilling this commitment, and why I have changed how I am fulfilling other commitments in my life. So I will address the last two months by saying merely this:

“Magical things happen in all of our lives, there is no scarcity. We call in exactly what it is we ask for. So ask...ask for what you want? Believe you deserve it. Believing is the key to exponential growth potential realized. Find the beauty, fully experience the magic, create, create, create and when it is time to let it go. Do... let go. Know that what is coming in next is beyond imagination. Life is easy if you play it forward this way. This is what I am learning from reading my story. I am also learning that I know a thing or two about commitment.”

I was sent this poem by sweet Mari, the circumstances were synchronistic, magical...I won’t go into details, but I will tell you that synchronistic magical moments happen all the time, everywhere, all anyone need to do is.... pay attention.

The Journey

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice --
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do --
determined to save
the only life you could save.
~ Mary Oliver ~

I know, and have for a while now, that first I must go walking on my own. It is time to believe in what I know.

(This picture of me was drawn today by Ed. Before it was finished coffee, Oso Negro coffee, was spilt on the drawing...perfect.)

“Where have you gone all by yourself?” is the question in 12 days journal #358. I would end by saying that this is the last journal ever...but it wouldn’t be true. There will be an encore, to tie up loose ends. And of course this project ends and another begins, so you have not lost me, I promise. I have had lots of encouragement to continue this work, and I will...I am just not sure how yet.

Oh and one more thing. 12 days journal #96 came home today. It was created on July 18th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/07/day-3-communicate-3-level-check.html , the day after I posted this same poem on the blog. If you want a little insight into how I work here it is. I believe this journal coming back today has something to teach me. I haven’t gone to read which entry is associated with it yet. I have full faith in synchronicity, full faith that when I do go read this entry again I will find something new, or perhaps old, that is needed right now, and that this is the way I called it in. If I follow these synchronistic moments, moment to moment and remain present, I will learn what I need, I will be taken care of, and I will thrive... it’s all happening.

Thank you all...I love all of you so much. Thank you Thank you Thank you. I am off to read now....

Day 11 Final Commitment- me

2010-04-04T12:41:00.000-07:00

I just had a big melt down. Cried streams of tears. All this blogging and reading and ruminating on my last year coupled with all this heart break, it is wearing me down.

February 5th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2010/02/day-1-decision-time-here-blog-there.html I was so greatful for the experience of having Michael write the blog. I got to see what it was like to read about myself and my life on the net under the control of somebody elses fingers. I have imagined what it has been like for my family, my Michael to read this blog right now. It was a crazy thing to have happen to our realtionship right as the project was ending. What did happen to it anyway? I love this picture of Michael. I love Michael.

I love Chris
I love Ayla
I love Lily
I love Rosy
I love Richard
I love Jill
I love my mom
I love Mari
I love Kimberly
I love Bree
I love Vinn
I love Rachel
I love I love I love I love I love I love I love I love I love and then i love some more....and it is taking its toll.

I love myself. I can’t do this to myself anymore... I will read it all, I promise, but it is all getting to be too much. I have to stop writing about it all...I really just need to doodle.

“How do you know when it is time to quit? is the question in 12 days journal #357

Day 10 Final Commitment- "Chrysalis is growing thinner.."

2010-04-03T12:41:00.000-07:00

January 5th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2010/01/day-6-resolution-present-struggle.html Another entry read and here I am right into the muck! Though if I read it objectively, do not get fixated on how sad and alone I was feeling, I see a womyn who decided it was time to take care of herself. I see also a womyn with a secret, a womyn who has something extraordinary going on in her life, a womyn who doesn’t want to share it fully for fear of being seen of as crazy. I know that by this time I had begun to tell friends about the myriad of symptoms that I was experiencing and that I had found some info from various friends that could explain what was going on. I am beginning to peak out about this on the blog, I am interested to see just how exposed I allowed myself to be about this transformation later on. I also see a womyn who was becoming more and more adept at staying in the moment, creating “a moment” which brings ease and comfort. My secret resolution, this 12 days commitment was to remain present as often as possible, leave the past alone and not try and come up with imagining for the future. This simple practice really has transformed my life.

January 10th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2010/01/day-11-resolution-community-and-sex.html Ah...finally some fucking relief! LOL The reading is less murky now. Life was beginning to FINALLY get easier. This entry is filled with hope. I was really finding myself. I can’t explain the relief I am feeling in my body after reading this entry. Tears are actually welling my eyes, tears of relief that I crawled my way out of the fear and isolation that had engulfed me. I came home to myself. I also noticed how I have become more comfortable with owning my truth. I speak openly and eloquently about sex and its importance for EVERYONE, even those who aren’t having it were made by it, it is time it stop being treated as a taboo. I know this is a big part of my work.

January 11th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2010/01/day-12-resolution-experience.html I smile when I read this one. I really do have an amazing life full of so many experiences. A pay off for saying “YES!” to the world so often.

January 12th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2010/01/latest-commitment-accountable.html I chose to meditate with Michael every morning and evening for this new commitment. This was the beginning of us climbing out of the messy hole we had found ourselves in. This was when I began to really feel like we had come out the other side. This meditation we used to do was beautiful, so healing. We used it as a tool many MANY times to get ourselves back to a place of love. It was hard for me to see when reading October, November and December why I stuck in there. Now I remember. The love was so deep, so bloody deep. Michael is a King and at the time I felt closer to him, more connected on a soul level, than I had ever felt to another. He was really helping me understand my awakening, helping me with the fear that drove much of the pain in the last 3 months. We were emerging from our BAM chrysalis at this point. I thought at the time that we had made it through...sigh

January 15th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2010/01/day-4-meditation-trauma.html Back in California for what would be my last time at school, until I return sometime in the future. Here I am expressing how I was struggling with the content I was learning at school. I was having such a hard time not bringing spirit into that room. Well that is not accurate, I bring spirit with me EVERYWHERE I go, my connection to God is inseparable from who I am. What I was struggling with was how my life/art process was one where dealing with the spiritual realm is necessary, essential, inextricable. This is not something that is the Tamalpa way, even if it is allowed in the classroom, it is not addressed on equal footing with the emotional, physical and mental realm. The truth is I don’t want to openly address my traumatic past without God, it is too painful. Living life as a way to ceaselessly pray gives me such opportunity for personal freedom, this doesn’t work without spirit. This was the major dilemma I was having with Tamalpa at this point. I still love the school, its teachers. I am still dedicated to this school and the life/art process. I trust I can find a way to make it all work out in August when I go back.

January 16th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2010/01/day-5-meditation-79.html I love it...my desire to doodle definitely began to out strip my desire to write! I was sick of writing, and having just read the last three months I can see why!

January 20th MY BIRTHDAY! http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2010/01/day-4-meditation-trauma.html My entire family except Michael were sick, and yet it was one of the best birthdays ever. I can not explain the relief I feel at my reading today. There was a huge shift that happened near the beginning of this month. One I was grateful for then, and am grateful for now since reading the last 3 months has been hellish! (I know I keep saying this LOL, it just feels so much better, my stomach and heart can finally relax)

January 21st http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2010/01/day-10-meditation-this-little-heart-of.html Oh Michael...what happened to us? This entry confirms for me what I felt over a month ago when he told me he was leaving. I didn’t get it. I thought we had made it through. Sure we were still disagreeing but we were also doing so well at commiting to the very thing that was not going well, and it was working. In this entry I talk about how our love had matured, how we had become somewhat domesticated and how I liked how this balanced out our road tripping, dreaming, partying side. I still just scratch my head. I don’t get it baby. A quote from the entry acknowledging the hard times and looking forward with faith and more ease:

“Some of you who know and love us have seen our struggles, I am sure some of you even wondered if it was worth it, sometimes the pain was so deep and overwhelming. Thank you for loving us, carrying us when we were too confused to see clearly our path. More than anything thank you for believing in us. Your love and support has made such a difference.“

January 23rd http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2010/01/day-12-meditation-to-all-those-i-love.html Another stellar entry! I am in awe of my clarity, of my ability to express it, of how friggen far I have come. I am trying to be good to myself right now, finish this entry and give myself a break before I start on the next, so I am not going to say anymore. If you want to know just click the link above and go have a read. Read about what makes this womyn straighten her back, drop her shoulders, head held high, and own her glory. On this same day we enter Michael Land http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2010/01/latest-commitment-alternative.html Where Michael took care of writing the blog for 12 whole days.

January 25th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2010/01/day-12-meditation-to-all-those-i-love.html Oh Michael Sheely, how I love you so. So many dreams, so many beautiful dreams you have. Yet when I read this I wonder, how can you have all you have decided you want in your life without there being room for the individuality of me? I did not come as a blank slate. How can we follow our own path and make it possible to love who we love and not demand of them adherance to what we have predetermined we want? I read the words of a man I love, a man I am commited to, a man who I am presently not even speaking with, and wonder, how did this all happen?

January 28th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2010/01/day-5-michael-land-drop-funk.html Michael and I were often having very differnt experiences at exactly the same time, even when together. This day was really hard one for me, I was getting really really skinny. My awakening experince was really peaking. When I would be in meditation and begin to go really deep, a process I call journeying, I would begin to drop into such a deep place within that I feared not coming back. I imagine this to sound very esoteric when being read, the experience itself is a whole other thing, it was really bloody scary. I was actually afraid of dying at this point. Even went looking for my friend Richard for guidance. I read Michaels words of this same day and I see we were in very differnt places. He speaks of us being at the Ashram. Had I have written this entry I would have told you how I sat in the book store reading ”Kundalini Rising“ and cryed, while he wandered round the aisles ignoring my sobs. I would have told how we went to sing mantra in two different temples, of how I sang out to Shiva and Tara, looking for answers, pleading ”please help me understand what is happening!“. I left the ashram in peace and was able to then start the work of reconnecting with Michael. I gave him a gift, held his hand, massaged his back and eventually he let go of his ”funk“ long enough to speak to me, though the affection was not returned as much as I had hoped. How? How could we have such different experiences? How could we be so disconnected when the evening before, the night he recounts as us ”making out“, was actually deeply connected through love making on a deep spiritual level where we found God in one another? I shake my head, I don’t understand.

January 29th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2010/01/day-6-michael-land-two-line-poems.html This entry makes my heart sing and my eyes tear. I don’t know what else to say except... January 30th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2010/01/day-7-michael-land.html Did you forget?

The reading for this entry ends perfectly on Michael’s very last entry. Febuary 4th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2010/01/day-7-michael-land.html I remember an argument we had during this 12 day period, it had to do with a knit-a -thon and Pulpit Rock. We sorted that argument out by honoring where each other were coming from, understanding one another. I remember thinking when it was over, and we were in each others arms, that we now had the skills to create a realtionship that was easy and limitless. I was so proud of us. This last day of his contribution to my written art installation was a beautiful day. I saw Michael shining, having had the experience of putting his words out into the world, reclaiming his vision and purpose out in the open. It was such an exciting thing to witness him in his glory.

I read your blog baby. I want you to know that I love you. Thank you for all you brought into my life. Follow you dreams brother and we will come together in some regard again when it is meant to be. Who knows what will happen. There are two answers in life, ”Yes“...and ”Not Yet“. Right now things seem to be hanging out around ”Not Yet“ for us. I trust our connection is Divinely inspired, that we were brought together in such deep love for an awesome purpose. I am excited about that purpose.

Right now though....right now I am going to go and enjoy the outdoors, Nelson and myself until this evening when I tackle my second last entry ever (kinda).

”What is your lifes purpose?“ is the question in 12 days journal #356

Day 9 Final Commitment- 6:40

2010-04-02T12:41:00.000-07:00

I only just got off stage. I am in the green room (which is actually pale salmon). Our ensemble is really sweaty; post performance glow spread cross our faces. It is a dynamic flocking piece, improv dance theatre. Everyone else is debriefing, but not me, I am beginning yesterdays entry today at 4:14. If I can get through this and at least begin today’s I will be on track. So I am off to read.

(This picture is entitled “3 Kings”, it made me chuckle)

December 5th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/12/day-11-just-breathe-worst-case-scenario.html Michael was right. I engage in worst case scenario thinking. I didn’t like hearing it either. I didn’t like the way it was presented to me as the “cause” of my weight loss. This aside, it was true and looking at it full in the face helped me to turn this habit around. I am not self actualized or anything, I still engage, but I recognize it as what it is now. Thank you again Michael for what you have brought to my world.

December 7th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/12/latest-commitment-12-days-of-avoiding.html I was just under 9 months in and seriously burnt out. I took steps to remedy this with humour by doing the 12 days of Christmas and giving myself a break.

December 8th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/12/day-2-twelve-of-twelve.html With the floor in the studio done and only lighting and shelving left to acquire, Michael and I made a mad dash to Alberta. Like most of our road trips it was both deliriously wonderful and agonizing. I met his mama for the first time, what a trip that was showing up at my lovers mothers place while still happily married!

I managed to hide on the blog until December 15th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/12/day-9-twelve-of-twelve-bye-bye-baby.html I remember this time, there was big stuff going on, I suppose I just got tired of exposing to the world that I was struggling so much. My struggles were mostly in my relationship with Michael. How is it possible to love someone so much and not be able to get along so often? We had so many beautiful times, so many, our relationship was truly magical, yet there was so much conflict...there still IS so much conflict...Ugh! Then on this day we were told we were being evicted from our studio. It was now painted and furnished. The floor had been renewed and was beautiful, I never really loved a floor until that one, Michael put so much work into it.

December 16th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/12/day-10-twelve-of-twelve-dancing-men.html Ah dancing men. I included this one just so you could click and go look at the pictures. Oh how I love to see men dance with wild abandon, with passion, with tenderness. The piece I am performing this evening (and already did this afternoon) has quite a few dancing men in it. It really is becoming more acceptable in our culture, and it is about time. Dancing is one of Gods greatest gifts.

December 19th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/12/day-1-gift-of-presence-ordinary.html I felt such love in my heart when I read my own description of my appreciation for Jai Uttal, for his music and his heart. I got to read it as though it was written by someone else. I wrote about things on this blog that I have forgot all about. Writing everyday meant I couldn’t collect all the info and ideas I had written, so I got ok with forgetting, which meant I got to learn again! I learned about a book for Chris by reading my own words today, like learning it anew. What a trip.

December 20th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/12/day-2-gift-of-presence-blessed-be.html I can’t come up with anything to say. I feel such a swirling, incoherent, incongruent melange of emotions, feeling and thoughts when I read this entry, I can’t even begin to explain how I feel or what I think about it. I gave up trying.

December 22nd http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/12/day-4-gift-of-presence-loosing-family.html We were officially evicted from our studio, the negotiation had come to an end, I had 9 days to enjoy Sanctum Studio before all our hard work disappeared.

December 25th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/12/day-5-gift-of-presence-under-my-tree.html On Christmas day and I gave myself this gift. This, what I am doing right now. Reading my herstory, reading this year documented, this CRAZY year. If I were going to choose the most transformative year of my adult life, this one would have been it, and what do you know...I chose it. Though I must say that going through all this reading, at a break neck pace, intertwined with road trips, performances, break ups, and Easter, has not been the relaxing, reflective process that I imagined. In a way it has been mildly traumatizing, having my shit all up in my face like this. I trust though that it is perfect, I might as well, I am not quitting. Here it is at 3:20am Easter morning, after two performances and I am still up. I am going to finish writing this entry, then go to sleep. I will edit it tomorrow, then write two other full entries so I can have Monday to do nothing but take an honest look at the last month of my life.....oh my God, Monday is going to be a trip!

December 28th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/12/day-10-gift-of-presence-alberta-bound.html Ayla, Michael and I were off to Alberta at this point going to the Intention gathering. It was a phenomanal experience of community and co creation. At the same time Chris, Lily and Rose were back home in Nelson suffering from what we now know was whopping cough. At the time we thought they were merely sick, that they would follow us out a few days later and spend New Year with us. As it turns out Chris and Lily stayed sick for months. Times were rough!

December 30th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/12/day-12-gift-of-presence-circle.html For years I have been obsessed with understanding the alchemy of the male/female relationship. I feel I need to state for the record, that if it ever seems with all this talk of Divine Male - Divine Female balance that I am not acknowledging same sex relationship, this is not the case. It is a moot point actually because I am not necessarily talking about romantic connection, though romantic connection is often the most potent union regardless of sex. I am talking about the male and female of our species understanding each other, us learning to get along and thrive! I truly believe that the time has come for us all to put away our ideas and judgements of the other sex and mover towards understanding. Let go of ideas about how “all men” are or how “womyn are emotional” using the “e” word with disdain and distrust. This work, this desire to understand the yin yang dynamic is what keeps me committed to my relationships, with both men and womyn. Commitment is something I know a lot about.

I like this tricky and fun commitment Made on December 31st http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/12/latest-commitment-resolution.html I see how I was continually attempting to use levity to deal with how rough things were. The next day I had a miscarriage. January 1st http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2010/01/day-2-resolution-angels.html. Maybe, or maybe it was a well aligned occurrence, a crazy painful moon time driven by a blue moon meeting a New Year on the Gregorian calendar. To bleed on the full moon after performing is a whole lot for me to handle at the best of times. Through in cultural and planetary significance and it is a wonder I didn’t sprout wings that night, to fly fly away. I will never know for sure, I don’t really know that it matters. Having the experience and learning from it, this is what matters.

January 3rd http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2010/01/day-4-resolution-mountain-sanctuary.html This entry ends on a sad note. This whole month of reading in fact was really hard. The struggles I endured seemed endless. Loosing the studio, challenging road trips, miscarriage, my entire family coming down with whooping cough. I know there was a whole lot of magic, I remember the magic. It was because of this magic that I continued to have an optimistic attitude, that or I was so caught up in it all I couldn’t see it for what it was. I don’t know. The gap between the past and present is beginning to close, I am loosing perceptive, or at least I am as I write this. I am weary and tired from doing far too much. Tuesday is going to be a good day.

“Have you endured a time in your life which was more challenging than you realized it to be at the time?” is the question for 12 days journal #355

Day 8 Final Commitment- Road Trip

2010-04-01T12:41:00.001-07:00

I am not writing this entry on this actual day. I spent this “April Fools Day”, which I consider to be the Pagan New Year, driving from Clairsholme, Alberta back home to Nelson, an 8 hour trip. I travelled with my friend Richard. The trip just kinda happened. Tuesday morning I saw him in Oso Negro, we talked about me going to Alberta and the next thing you know we were meting at noon to leave town and go get my new car. Driving out was a blast, we had such an amazing time, we connect really deeply, a couple of Aquarian with big hearts. On the way back we had to drive separate vehicles, which made me appreciate him that much more. So now I have my car but I am behind and I NEED to catch out to finish this commitment the way it needs to be done...on APRIL 5th... I WILL make this happen. Here I go!

November 6th. http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/11/day-6-sacred-space-orange.html Orange. Michael and I were having such fun painting our brand new studio. It was mostly Michael’s doing that got us the studio. It was also him who put in most of the work. Thank you for everything you did for us baby. I love you.

November 7th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/11/day-7-sacred-space-blue.html Blue. The first signs that our landlord was less than worthy of our trust. The up side of this entry is, I can see that I WAS aware of my weight loss being an issue. Not only that I learned a damn good lesson about belief in my own beauty being the key to a fantastic body image, not the size of my thighs. I also managed to wrap it up in an empowering package of words and deliver it to my sisters! I loved this post, I am darn proud of having voiced this to the world. (BIG GRIN)

And to round off all the colours here is November 8th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/11/day-8-sacred-space-red.html Red. Passion. I am a passionate womyn. I see as I read this entry how hard I was working to deal with all the passion, across the spectrum. I want to go back to that time, take myself in my arms and hold me, caress my skin, my skin that so longs for slow mindful touch. From this entry:

“This is passion, this is the red, it is the stillness attained amongst the worlds emotional chaos while staying open to it full glory. This is the place is I am living towards.”

November 12th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/11/day-12-sacred-space-dry-kindling.html Wow, I am beginning to feel like I am closing the gap between past and present. This entry lets the world know Kelly and Chris have decided to split. Kelly is so great, I really love her. She threw herself into her art when they went their separate ways, and her art work SOARED! I also address in this entry the fundamental issue with which Michael and I go round and round and round. It is funny, I have been heard often saying how “I hate words”. Truth is I LOVE words, look at all the ones I have pieced together here on the blog. It is the dominance of words that I can’t stand. The imbalance that is created when words are not used to explain what is going on inside and instead are used as tools to navigate without embodiment or at its worst manipulate within a strategy. Non-violent Communication (NVC) distinguishes needs from strategies, which are specific plans to try to meet needs.... and then ironically comes up with a strategy to mitigate this. NVC has some amazing principles, it is when the words don’t match the body, then it ceases to be non violent because it lacks honesty. I don’t have the words to describe how mind fucked I have often felt this last year by words, words, words.

November 13th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/11/day-1-visual-creation-do-you-believe.html As I began to reconnect with visual art as a medium of expression in this 12 days commitment, I was also beginning to feel safe enough to come out about this curious transformation which was happening to my body, mind and spirit. I am still a little reluctant to talk about it, what I am experiencing is divine and scary. This entry tells of a day I spent with Richard. We listened to music and drew pictures together in Oso Negro, it was magical. It is funny to read about our friendship on the blog after having just spent 3 days together, we are kindred, that is for certain.

November 16th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/11/day-4-visual-creation-truth-about-truth.html Stripping myself more and more naked. I am not sure when exactly this project became about absolute truth. I know Michael Sheely had a big part to play in it all. He taught me about truth and, as is my way, I took the torch and RAN. I really do feel much more at ease now about how truthful I am, at this time though in November it was really really hard. I remember the stress, how it tied my stomach in knots. The night I write about in this entry was a a real reckoning. It took going to the Royal scantily clad for 80’s night for me to really face myself, it was so intense. Did I mention it was full moon?

November 21st http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/11/day-4-visual-creation-truth-about-truth.html I didn’t go to California this month. I went to stay at the Ashram across the lake instead. God I think about that time, I was a complete mess. And JUST beginning to understand that I was having an awakening. It was actually here at the ashram that I got my first clue. I read my words and see how on fire I was for the Divine. I have always been a God junkie, things were shifting though. I felt like I was literally coming out through my own shell, like I was a caterpillar on a journey. While I didn’t travel to California this time, I did journey, and it was only the beginning.

November 24th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/11/day-12-visual-creation-bucks-and-drivin.html He did it! Chris got a buck and we have been eating deer ever since. I know it has been part of what got me through the body “crisis” I was having. Having high quality, organic, local meat which is native to the environment I exist in is just what the medicine man ordered. I love Chris with all my heart. He is my King. Him becoming a lone hunter would have been hard had my life not been so full, we used to spend so much time together, missing him is made easier by distraction. I know we will be closer again soon, when the time is right. For now he just loves me up and supports me. We had a fight a few days ago, I see this as a healthy sign. We almost never fight anymore, it is good to know we can raise our passion for each other if we want to. It took us less than 10 minutes to be in each others arms apologizing for our role. I have spent 18 years with this man, half my life, and I am blessed beyond measure to be his Queen.

November 25th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/11/latest-commitment-just-breathe.html I committed to simply focusing on how I was breathing. Here is a little reminder from Alexi Murdoch. I tried sending him an email today but it didn’t work, maybe he will find this blog and email me back. I have a question I need to ask him about the song “12”.

Oh how this man moves my kundalini with his velvet voice, amazing talent and God speak lyrics.

November 28th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/11/day-4-just-breathe-love-like-that.html Poetry, love and a mantra which is repeated over and over again, as mantras are, in hopes of being heard...sigh.

December 1st http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/12/day-7-just-breathe-children-of-god.html As I wind down this entry with a knowing that I must do one more today, even if it takes until 4 in the morning like it did last night, that. I am feisty, committed and while flaky at times, can get the job done on time when art and God are the motivators. This entry is dedicated to a womyn who taught me about God. She is a Christian. I am for want of a better descriptor, a Pagan, a follower of the wheel of the year, the planet, the environment, the moon. While it may seem that we would not see eye to eye, it is her eyes I remember most, behind glasses, blue and beautiful. So filled with spirit, so on fire with the love of God. I love you Sister. Thank you for always believing in me, even at time when it tested your faith to its very limit. I am honoured to have been the one to take you there.

I love perfect endings. December 3rd http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/12/day-9-just-breathe-blankie.html I will end with this Hafiz poem. It is timely for me, helps me to reconnect with what is important, with how I want to be loved.

“Your love
Should never be offered
to the mouth of a Stranger,
Only to someone
Who has the valor and daring
To cut pieces of their soul off with a knife
Then weave them into a blanket
To protect you.
~ Hafiz”

“What would you protect with your life?” is the question in 12 days journal #354

Day 8 Final Commitment- Road Trip Over

2010-04-01T12:41:00.000-07:00

I am not writing this entry on this actual day. I spent this “April Fools Day”, which I consider to be the Pagan New Year, driving from Clairsholme, Alberta back home to Nelson, an 8 hour trip. I travelled with my friend Richard. The trip just kinda happened. Tuesday morning I saw him in Oso Negro, we talked about me going to Alberta and the next thing you know we were meeting at noon to leave town and go get my new car. Driving out was a blast, we had such an amazing time, we connect really deeply, a couple of Aquarian with big hearts. On the way back we had to drive separate vehicles, which made me appreciate him that much more. So now I have my car but I am behind and I NEED to catch out to finish this commitment the way it needs to be done...on APRIL 5th... I WILL make this happen. Here I go!

November 6th. http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/11/day-6-sacred-space-orange.html Orange. Michael and I were having such fun painting our brand new studio. It was mostly Michael’s doing that got us the studio. It was also him who put in most of the work. Thank you for everything you did for us baby. I love you.

November 7th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/11/day-7-sacred-space-blue.html Blue. The first signs that our landlord was less than worthy of our trust. The up side of this entry is, I can see that I WAS aware of my weight loss being an issue. Not only that I learned a damn good lesson about belief in my own beauty being the key to a fantastic body image, not the size of my thighs. I also managed to wrap it up in an empowering package of words and deliver it to my sisters! I loved this post, I am darn proud of having voiced this to the world. (BIG GRIN)

And to round off all the colours here is November 8th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/11/day-8-sacred-space-red.html Red. Passion. I am a passionate womyn. I see as I read this entry how hard I was working to deal with all the passion, across the spectrum. I want to go back to that time, take myself in my arms and hold me, caress my skin, my skin that so longs for slow mindful touch. From this entry:

“This is passion, this is the red, it is the stillness attained amongst the worlds emotional chaos while staying open to it full glory. This is the place is I am living towards.”

November 12th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/11/day-12-sacred-space-dry-kindling.html Wow, I am beginning to feel like I am closing the gap between past and present. This entry lets the world know Kelly and Chris have decided to split. Kelly is so great, I really love her. She threw herself into her art when they went their separate ways, and her art work SOARED! I also address in this entry the fundamental issue with which Michael and I go round and round and round. It is funny, I have been heard often saying how “I hate words”. Truth is I LOVE words, look at all the ones I have pieced together here on the blog. It is the dominance of words that I can’t stand. The imbalance that is created when words are not used to explain what is going on inside and instead are used as tools to navigate without embodiment or at its worst manipulate within a strategy. Non-violent Communication (NVC) distinguishes needs from strategies, which are specific plans to try to meet needs.... and then ironically comes up with a strategy to mitigate this. NVC has some amazing principles, it is when the words don’t match the body, then it ceases to be non violent because it lacks honesty. I don’t have the words to describe how mind fucked I have often felt this last year by words, words, words.

November 13th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/11/day-1-visual-creation-do-you-believe.html As I began to reconnect with visual art as a medium of expression in this 12 days commitment, I was also beginning to feel safe enough to come out about this curious transformation which was happening to my body, mind and spirit. I am still a little reluctant to talk about it, what I am experiencing is divine and scary. This entry tells of a day I spent with Richard. We listened to music and drew pictures together in Oso Negro, it was magical. It is funny to read about our friendship on the blog after having just spent 3 days together, we are kindred, that is for certain.

November 16th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/11/day-4-visual-creation-truth-about-truth.html Stripping myself more and more naked. I am not sure when exactly this project became about absolute truth. I know Michael Sheely had a big part to play in it all. He taught me about truth and, as is my way, I took the torch and RAN. I really do feel much more at ease now about how truthful I am, at this time though in November it was really really hard. I remember the stress, how it tied my stomach in knots. The night I write about in this entry was a a real reckoning. It took going to the Royal scantily clad for 80’s night for me to really face myself, it was so intense. Did I mention it was full moon?

November 21st http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/11/day-4-visual-creation-truth-about-truth.html I didn’t go to California this month. I went to stay at the Ashram across the lake instead. God I think about that time, I was a complete mess. And JUST beginning to understand that I was having an awakening. It was actually here at the ashram that I got my first clue. I read my words and see how on fire I was for the Divine. I have always been a God junkie, things were shifting though. I felt like I was literally coming out through my own shell, like I was a caterpillar on a journey. While I didn’t travel to California this time, I did journey, and it was only the beginning.

November 24th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/11/day-12-visual-creation-bucks-and-drivin.html He did it! Chris got a buck and we have been eating deer ever since. I know it has been part of what got me through the body “crisis” I was having. Having high quality, organic, local meat which is native to the environment I exist in is just what the medicine man ordered. I love Chris with all my heart. He is my King. Him becoming a lone hunter would have been hard had my life not been so full, we used to spend so much time together, missing him is made easier by distraction. I know we will be closer again soon, when the time is right. For now he just loves me up and supports me. We had a fight a few days ago, I see this as a healthy sign. We almost never fight anymore, it is good to know we can raise our passion for each other if we want to. It took us less than 10 minutes to be in each others arms apologizing for our role. I have spent 18 years with this man, half my life, and I am blessed beyond measure to be his Queen.

November 25th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/11/latest-commitment-just-breathe.html I committed to simply focusing on how I was breathing. Here is a little reminder from Alexi Murdoch. I tried sending him an email today but it didn’t work, maybe he will find this blog and email me back. I have a question I need to ask him about the song “12”.

Oh how this man moves my kundalini with his velvet voice, amazing talent and God speak lyrics.

November 28th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/11/day-4-just-breathe-love-like-that.html Poetry, love and a mantra which is repeated over and over again, as mantras are, in hopes of being heard...sigh.

December 1st http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/12/day-7-just-breathe-children-of-god.html As I wind down this entry with a knowing that I must do one more today, even if it takes until 4 in the morning like it did last night, that. I am feisty, committed and while flaky at times, can get the job done on time when art and God are the motivators. This entry is dedicated to a womyn who taught me about God. She is a Christian. I am for want of a better descriptor, a Pagan, a follower of the wheel of the year, the planet, the environment, the moon. While it may seem that we would not see eye to eye, it is her eyes I remember most, behind glasses, blue and beautiful. So filled with spirit, so on fire with the love of God. I love you Sister. Thank you for always believing in me, even at time when it tested your faith to its very limit. I am honoured to have been the one to take you there.

I love perfect endings. December 3rd http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/12/day-9-just-breathe-blankie.html I will end with this Hafiz poem. It is timely for me, helps me to reconnect with what is important, with how I want to be loved.

“Your love
Should never be offered
to the mouth of a Stranger,
Only to someone
Who has the valor and daring
To cut pieces of their soul off with a knife
Then weave them into a blanket
To protect you.
~ Hafiz”

“What would you protect with your life?” is the question in 12 days journal #354

Day 7 Final Commitment- Road Trip Too (kinda)

2010-03-31T12:40:00.000-07:00

5 days to do 7 days worth of work. 3 performances. One dress rehearsal. So many people to love and a year long commitment to wrap up. ACK!! Life is CRAZY right now. So lets get down to it.

October 5th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/10/day-10-sans-coffee-past.html Since Chris’ accident we have been blessed beyond measure to have the support team we have had. Most notably Lilli. She has held various members of our family through some crazy crazy times. We don’t exactly make easy standard choices as a family. It could have been so easy for her to judge our families ways, instead she got behind us, believed in us. She is like a member of our family, our OTHER Lilli.

October 7th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/10/day-12-sans-coffee-gaping.html I was halfway through this project and my edges were definitely fraying. I decided on October 8th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/10/new-commitment-not-named.html to do a commitment which is not named, which I don’t divulge to you all... and I admit I have forgotten what it was! Perhaps as I read I will remember.

October 9th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/10/day-2-committed-to-self-truthugh.html Oh my....I was having a really hard time. I was starting to worry about my weight loss. I admit that, like MANY womyn, I had ideas about my body having just a bit to much fat. I knew I was sexy, healthy, muscular and thin-ish but I was still no stranger to body image issues, I judged myself a lot. When I began loosing weight last summer I was actually quite thrilled. I liked being lighter, it made dancing more dynamic and I liked the way my clothes began to fit. I figured it was just the regular thing that happens every summer where I slim down. But by October I was beginning to realize I was dealing with something different all together.

October 11th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/10/day-4-committed-to-self-ohm-sweet-ohm.html I had a home again! We were about to do something that would bring much self judgement and beauty into my life. We were about to become an openly polyamorous family living together in community. This would have been tough at the the best of times...and these were not the best of times. I worked to stay optimistic though, my entries are obvious attempts to find the silver lining. Oh and while we are on the topic of my house, I want to say thank you to my mama. Life was SO crazy when she had finished renovating the house that there ended up being very little celebration of her hard work. I know mom how much you did, I am SO grateful, I just wasn’t very good at showing it. In fact I STILL haven’t made you the gift of appreciation I want to give you. Ah the free time I will have when I am done this project!

October 12th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/10/day-5-committed-to-self-i-so-thankful.html

I had forgotten I made this video. I loved watching it again. Maybe you will too. The thing is I want to add so many more photos, say thank you to so many more people...maybe I will make another video when this is all over.

October 15th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/10/day-8-committed-to-self-devotion.html I am nuts! LOL I can’t believe some of the stuff I posted! The hardest part about having posted this one was the fact that NO ONE COMMENTED for a L_O_N_G time...it felt like bringing a huge 7 foot rabbit into a room and no one saying, “Hey what is with the rabbit?”. My lovely sister K.D. commented on the blog when I told her how hard it was to submit the entry, she left this:

“Definition of Priestess for Today's Times.
Priestesses honor the cycles and seasons of nature, and of life. They learn from, and work, with the natural rhythms of the Earth, Sun, Moon, and stars. They observe and value the relationships between Earth and Sky, nature and humanity.

In families and communities, priestesses bring awareness to the way change affects life by creating time and space to honor life passages. They create and often officiate ceremonies that recognize the transitions of birth, puberty, a new job, the loss of a job, marriage, divorce, menopause, elderhood, and death.

Priestesses may counsel and support others in times of crises, transition, healing, and creation. They may assist through their prayers, meditation, deep listening, or simply being present and bringing awareness and attentive witnessing to a situation.

A priestess brings the sacred into form by connecting to Divine energy in her creative pursuits such as dance, art, writing, music, theatre, ceremonies, rituals, and celebrations.

Deeply connected to her spirituality from the inside out, a priestess may also be a member of any religion or have connection to none. She may connect to the Divine in nature just as well as in any home, church, synagogue, or temple.

A priestess makes a direct connection to the Divine from within and can apply it to every area of life.

Bernice, here, we finally have a job-description. Thank you for sharing your beauty, in all your vulnerable truth... truly we can only know God, when we can be this way... open-hearted.

Love KD”

It feels so good to be seen, mirrored by people in my life who I admire. Thanks sister.

October 17th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/10/day-10-committed-to-self-diwali.html I love me. I really do. My time in California was always so incredibly rich. The work I did at the Tamalpa Institute was so nourishing for my soul. So nourishing. It helped me find myself. This entry was written after an amazing school weekend where we went out and stayed at Sea Ranch, where we danced with the ocean. When I do this work I am so in my power, centred like a gyroscope, only staying balanced by never quite being there, it is the addition of movement which makes the whole thing possible. If I forget how much I trust and believe in myself, remind me ok. Lately I have had a harder time seeing this.

As I enter into a commitment to “Listen” October 20th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/10/latest-committment-listen-more.html ...something I STILL have to remind myself to work on each and every day, I read about mine and Michael's trip to Port Townsend Washington and Victoria, BC. This trip was both ecstatic and paralysing. The details are unimportant, or more honestly I would say I want to keep them for myself, not share. I will say though that it changed me forever, there was so much magic, so much truth. We started out road tripping, which is one of the things I love to do more than anything in the world. Michael and I had such a great drive to Port Townsend, WA. Then we danced with Vinn, this was Michael’s first time, I wanted to share Vinn Marti’s work with him. Vinn...what can I say about Vinn and his work? Soul Motion is a mystical movement ministry. His work is essential for the world... and this is why. October 25th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/10/day-6-listen-listening-to-mystic.html

From there we went to Victoria which was very challenging. Then we went home and I got sick...which rocks! Because it meant my entries were short ,so less reading for this weary commitment maker. This illness was where I really began to loose too much weight. November 2nd http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/11/day-2-sacred-space-runt.html

Tomorrow’s entry will start with the painting of our new studio. We were so excited to have a studio and we had a blast painting. It makes me smile to know tomorrows entry will start with a day where there was so much hope and promise.

“What is one of your fondest memories?” is the question in 12 days journal #353

Day 6 Final Commitment!- Road Trip 1

2010-03-30T12:40:00.000-07:00

I feel fucking awesome. I am on the Salmo-Creston pass heading towards Alberta to get my new old car. I just did my full payers on a stone in the middle of a creek. This creek by any other world standard would likely be called a river. I could feel its vernal pull, its knowing that soon the sun would be melting the winter snow pack. This creek, now winter weary and parched, will soon explode into her full glorious self, coursing down the mountain side filled with the promise of fertility.

“Its full moon and spring baby!” says nobody.

“Balanced light” is the message which came during my prayers. I have 3 days to figure out what that means. That is how long this road trip will last.

I have a secret to tell you. I never quit. September 6th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/09/day-5-walkabout-quitting.html I still smoke very little, less than I did when I posted this entry, but I still smoke and I never told you otherwise, look at me being all secretive.. :oP

The summer is coming to an end as I read Septembers entries. It may have been the best summer of my life...actually it was, it was the BEST summer of my life. I could fill up a hundred entries with the stories of dance camp, festivals, camping. I am so happy that summer is coming again, and here I am on the first road trip of the year. Hooray!!..and... Why on earth did I decided a road trip is what I needed right now? I mean I actually do know, I needed to get out of Nelson, but working under these conditions is crazy challenging!

September 10th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/09/day-9-walkabout-screamer.html Well this post sums up the whole month pretty well, maybe even the whole year. It is such a crazy thing how I set out to document a year of my life and chose THIS year...what a wild year! Another way of saying exactly what this entry says, in a slightly abbreviated version, as was done by the Hopi elders, is:

”You have been telling people this is the Eleventh Hour.
Now you must go back and tell the people that this is THE Hour.
Here are the things that must be considered:
Where are you living?
What are you doing?
What are your relationships?
Are you in right relation?
Where is your water?
Know your garden.
It is time to speak your Truth.
Create your community.
Be good to each other.
And do not look outside yourself for the leader.“

We need to start a better garden in our back yard...close to the house.

(six degrees of separation)

I admit there is something on the blog which really pulls at me to speak to it. The thing is I feel pulled just the tiniest bit harder to just leave it alone. Sometimes it is really hard for me to know which parts of myself to listen to. I know there is that stock answer of ”the heart“...what I want to know is which part of my heart? I feel like it is too big for my ribcage, perhaps this is why my ribcage is changing.

As I read September 12th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/09/day-11-walkabout-la.html I become aware of just how much Michael and I were beginning to fight. I want to write the word ”conflict“ instead of fight...because I don’t want to see it, how often we struggled to get along, to understand one another. Our struggles have never had anything to do with lack of love, just lack of understanding. And as is my way I have to add...and there were amazing times as well, many actually stemming from the conflict... we were beginning to learn how to understand one another, I just never imagined it would be this hard, or that we would loose sight of how far we have come.

Pleasure revolution! September 14th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/09/day-1-pleasure-revolution-jank.html Now this was a commitment! My only wish was that I had endless funds to fuel it! I would have gone off. I did have a great time though and connected with how important pleasure is for me. I firmly believe that lessons can be learned anywhere along the spectrum between pain and pleasure. Working through life's lessons with pleasure as a back drop is far FAR easier than going the pain route...ask me how I know.

Oh the country mouse city mouse post! September 15th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/09/day-2-pleasure-revolution-county-mouse.html This one brought me so many more ”fans“. As I read over the blog I am thinking maybe I could write a little more about the fun(ny) parts of life. Or at least write with more humour about the struggles. I will keep this in mind for the next blog...did I just type ”next blog“? YIKES

September 16th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/09/day-3-pleasure-revolution-knowing.html Oh ! Sigh, I can’t wait to come paint with you....my muse. And ....Oh me! A quote from this entry:

”She smiled contentedly, pointing to one piece in particular, one of the paintings bound for the Italian church, and tells how in all of her years this was the first time she simultaneously captured the essence of birth and death as she imagines them in one face, in one body, in one mass of extraordinary colour. As I gazed at the multidimensional face of infinite possibilities I had to agree, she had captured this singular event that is thought of as two.“

I am hard on myself and my writing. I have so much appreciation for my craft, for my talent since beginning to re-read my own work. I love Bernice, she is my muse.

Oh Tamalpa! September 17th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/09/day-4-pleasure-revolution-shiny-metal.html how I love you so. How dedicated I am to the life/art process.... this project was set up as a Tamalpa score after all... as I read and write about my time at Tamalpa feelings of being misunderstood arise...but I notice being more ok with it now than I was a month ago...sigh

September 21st http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/09/day-8-pleasure-revolution-simple.html Baby Skylah is born, exactly 11 years and 1 day after Lily Rain Raabis. Skylah’s middle name is Rain. Rachel and I spent the night recently in room 111 in Big sure California. On the same trip that Jill and I dubbed ourselves ”11“ meaning two ”1’s“ standing side by side. Rachel made another ”1“ when she arrived with Skylah who was born on the 1st day of fall. That is a whole lot of 1’s, and a whole lot of Rain.

September 22nd http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/09/day-9-pleasure-revolution-dream-shared.html A studio is born...well no that is not true. A studio is conceived! A dream is realized. Now the work is to do the work.....

September 23rd. http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/09/day-10-pleasure-revolution-in-closet.html If you want to understand me, read this one. If you are in my life in a romantic way....read it 3 times...please. I love you.

September 24th. http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/09/day-11-pleasure-revolution-day-in-life.html I tell the world that Michael is moving in.....down the Raabis hole!

September 26th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/09/day-1-sans-coffee-taking-stance.html Ugh...this one too...

September 28th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/09/day-3-sans-coffee-i-sorry.html I simply want to say that I now see things differently. I am being vague on purpose...I just don’t want to get into it. I want ease.

October 4th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/10/day-9-sans-coffee-help.html THANK GOD!! I got writers block...God knew that SOMETHING had to stop me! LOL and right now I am grateful since I am FINALLY finished reading for the day. (wy)Man am I a prolific writer! Which I think is well illustrated by this entry which is 1300 words long! (and finished a day behind schedule...ugh, now it is 1313)

”What do you do a lot of?“ is the clever question in 12 days journal #352

Ok we have to hit the road again. I have 40 minutes to edit this, find a picture, add in tag words upload it and flog it on facebook, all to have it up just one day late. Do you think I can do it? I guess we will see. (1389)

Day 5 Final Commitment- Shambles

2010-03-29T12:40:00.000-07:00

Wow, didn’t see this comin. I started today with August 6th, http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/08/day-10-creative-words-being.html the day Michael and I set off to Shambala together. What an absolutely magical adventure we had. We taught a workshop, danced all day and night and we made beautiful love, other than drinking coffee and eating we did little else. We reached an even deeper level of love at this event, working there together, playing there together. I haven’t actually read anything yet. To tell you the truth I don’t really want to read it, it’s too hard.

And here I go anyway.

Last night I went to an open mic and read two of the poems from the creative writing commitment, I chose angry-ish ones. I wish now I would have read this one from. August 7th. http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/08/day-11-creative-words-magic.html This was my most magical day at Shambala. I feel physical pain in my heart as I read this entry, as I read my poem. I wish I could access just the feelings of love as I read these words, I wish they weren’t so connected to feelings of pain.

I want to state for the record, before we go any further. That I KNOW my objectivity on anything that is connected to Michael is skewed right now because of how disconnected we are from one another. The point of this commitment was to give honest clear reflection now that I have distance from my actions. Well I want you to know I have very little objectivity when it comes to my relationship with my Michael at the moment.

On August 8th I ran my first ever Movement Based Expressive Arts workshop...at Shambala, nothing like diving in head first!

Speaking of Shambala, I was brave enough to mention drug/medicine usage on the blog a couple of times during the festival. I live in a community where it is said that 75% of the population is either directly or indirectly related to the marijuana industry. *I* am the wife of a (retired kinda) RCMP officer. I need to be very careful about what I say in regards to things which are illegal. This was a tricky thing when writing a blog with the goal or truth and transparency. Here on August 10th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/08/day-2-jus-dance-continued.html I venture out a little, talk about my views in a way which is honest but safe for my particular family situation. I feel comfortable with how I walked this line this last year.

By August 12th I was back in California and in the habit of writing and not submitting till days later. I always knew that if I were to remain consistent, write and submit daily, that my contact with you all would have flowed better. When I am on time submitting I get many more hits to the blog and more comments. The thing was this project was a lot of fucking work, and my life is a WHOLE lot of work, so I just had to let things slip. It is what it is.

Ah ha! The infamous “Day 40” post where I come out as polyamorous and tell the world that Michael was my lover. http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/08/day-5-jus-dance-day-40.html was written on August 13th, it was not submitted for nearly a week if I remember correctly. I wrote it in California and was home before it ever hit the net. I was petrified. I actually had a crazy body reaction, a fear reaction when I submitted it. It was the beginning of really stripping myself naked for the world to see. This entry had the most hits for months...until I posted a half naked picture of myself in a bikini and cowboy boots that is (rolling eyes at myself).

This trip also saw my reconciliation with my Jeremy on August 16th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/08/day-8-jus-dance-friendship.html . He was my sweet lover before I met Michael. My first ever lover within the wild world of polyamory in fact. He is lovely and soft and for whatever reason we just didn’t hold onto our relationship. It was complicated, I was married, he was a monogamist. We did love each other though. (I less than 3 you J.)

Home again and posting about love and its struggles. August 18th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/08/day-10-jus-dance-change.html This post was another top hitter, partly because of the beautiful picture of Chris and Kelly, they look so happy. Another reason I think this one was read so much was that I finally talked about how the kids were dealing with things. This was the main concern that people brought forward about our choice to live as a blended polyamorous family, that the kids would suffer. There were some really hard times, especially for Lily. Now though it is Lily who is most connected with Michael. I have spoken to her this last week (Chris and the kids are visiting him mom in Alberta while I stayed behind for rehearsals) and she is the one who always asks about Michael. She loves him, she loves Kelly too. It is hard that both of these people have left her life in the way they existed in it before. It is tempting to say we never should have allowed them into her life like we did, but it would not be true. What my beautiful children have learned from Michael and Kelly, how their lives have changed from having them in our home, has been amazing and most definitely for the greater good of our family and the world.

August 21st “Staycation!” http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/08/latest-commitment-staycation.html This was the name of the commitment where I took time off which translated into only writing 150 words or less each day. Do you know one of the parts of the project which was most enjoyable and easy? A joy nearly every time? Naming the entries and commitments. I loved this part. I got to be cryptic, humorous, stealthy, smart, smart-ass-d. I will miss this part, but who am I kidding, it is not like I am going to be able to give up blogging, I am a little obsessed, did ya notice?

In Staycation my new focus on the present began to really emerge, the signs of stirring. I was feeling the stress of trying to recollect past events and still write authentically. It was so important to me by this point that the writing be as real as possible. I can also see I was really beginning to feel the full brunt of what I had chosen to take on with 12 days 2 inspire. I am happy in THIS moment now about having chosen this commitment last August because it means I have less reading than yesterday!

Geez! I think I was on to something with those short posts! I said a lot with so little words...imagine that! I especially liked:

August 22nd http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/08/day-2-time-off-clear-as.html where it is obvious my commitment to truth telling was becoming stronger.

August 25th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/08/day-5-time-off-burning.html where I start to show how my edges are fraying.

August 28th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/08/day-8-time-off-avoidance-not.html where I am being playful and apologetic all at the same time.

August 30th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/08/day-10-time-off-simply.html A beautiful memory, a romantic moment alluded to; my blog version of serenading my lover.

I am blown out of the water by September 2nd http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/09/day-1-walkabout-get-out-of-jail-free.html . I could have written this exact entry, with a few subtle changes, today. I even laughed out load at the words I wanted to put on my “Get out of Jail Free Card”

”Do not pass go, do not collect $200, just hug me, listen to me, don’t expect anything rational, trust that I will work this out as I always do, when I find my strong self assured self again, which will be soon...maybe when the moon is past full.“

The moon happens to be full today.

And so today's reading ends on September 3rd when me and Michael wrote a story for Rosy and her friend Sage. http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/09/day-2-walkabout-oombellafish.html

and a commitment made to myself on September 4th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/09/day-3-walkabout-ashina.html

”I make a vow to myself on this day that I will create/manifest/find a sacred workspace for myself and those who I work with, that I will commit each day to moving in the direction of a life lived in community, and co-creation.“

I remember now that the creation of Sanctum Studio came the very next month. Oh man am I in for some bumpy reading! I can smile at it now but back when we were creating the studio and then to loose it so quickly, times were very intense. When this project is over I will be working on taking this vow to the next level...there will be dancing on Sundays in Nelson soon. That is a promise.

***EDIT- ADDED to the blog and 12 days journal #351 two days later, after Michael pointed out I forgot the daily question. ”What do you do when you don’t know what you want?“ Apparently I go on a road trip.***

Day 4 Final Commitment- Hard to Stomach

2010-03-28T10:31:00.000-07:00

I admit it, I read ahead a tiny bit yesterday. I started my morning with this post from July 7th. http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/07/day-4-body-of-water-moonlight.html Michael and I walking in the moonlight to go swimming in a mountain lake. It was a beautiful romantic night, I remember it well.

Then on July 9th I got bold and told you all that Michael was moving to Nelson to start a family. http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/07/day-6-body-of-water-family.html You know I wasn’t as sneaky as I thought I was, I was still pretty out there at this point. I can tell I was feeling confident.

I found this picture in the July10th entry. I remember this Bernice, she was happy and robust. In this entry http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/07/day-7-body-of-water-crossing-water.html I talk about my body, how I can judge it and be unkind. At this point it would have been that I was unkind to myself believing I was too big, how ironic is that? I think I look beautiful in this picture. I think I second guessed this Bernice less than I do the Bernice I am these last few days.

Here on July 11th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/07/day-8-body-of-water-transparency.html was the day Lily, Chris and Kelly met Michael. What a crazy crazy day that was. I wouldn’t change this day, it was perfect, but I can tell you the way Michael and Lily met was very very hard on my little Lily. I still experience guilt over it.

By July 15 http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/07/day-12-body-of-water-surprise.html Michael and I were now road tripping in the United States. Michael was originally going to drop me at the Seattle airport but instead he ended up driving me to school in California. I remember this evening very well, we stopped on the side of the road near Mt. Shasta to eat. Something changed that night, deepened. We ate corncakes kale and butter at a deserted burger joint on the I-5 and fell deeper in love. It was a magical night.

The irony is just way to thick for me to stomach, perhaps this is what is causing my stomach flu. Here on July 16 http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/07/latest-commitment-communication-skills.html I committed to 12 days of learning and using better communication skills. I don’t even know what to say about this, I really did work at this, during this commitment and nearly every day since. Clear communication really is one of the most important things in my life... sigh.

AND as I move on to July 18th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/07/day-3-communicate-3-level-check.html I see I know so much about communication, so why do I doubt myself? Why DO I doubt myself so much more now?

My heart aches to see the words written so long ago, July 20th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/07/day-5-communicate-more-mary.html My wisdom and insight are evident. Again I wonder where my faith in myself has gone today.

Hmmm as I read I notice something very interesting. I glossed over our arrival home. Michael and I arriving as a couple in my hometown, to live with my family...and I don’t even mention it on the blog? I must have been experiencing serious cognitive dissonance at this point. Here I was coming home, with my new partner, knowing that coming out as polyamorous was inevitable. Holy Cow. I am brave, and a little nuts.

July 25th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/07/day-10-communicate-big-love-crumbs.html Sigh. This post is all me. The me I love.

On July 28th I set a commitment to write creatively and share it on the blog. If I look at this decision honestly I would say I was doing it for a couple of reasons. First to give myself the room to be creative, at this point I was very deep into my relationship with Michael and its effects on my family life were HUGE, in both positive and trying ways. I needed a forced excuse to create art. Second, I was hiding. I still had not been explicit with you all about the nature of our relationship and it was really wearing on me, I found a way to hide a little longer. I did do some great writing though! http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/07/day-1-creative-words-bracketed.html This poem is as true now as it was then, over 9 months ago.

Ah yes as I read I become aware that I am travelling with Michael, Ayla and Rosy to Alberta to get Lily and visit Michael's sister. I know this because the inspiration for this poem http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/07/day-4-creative-words-in-me.html on July 31st, was a bathroom in Crowsnest Pass in Alberta. I was definitely hiding from you all. Sorry about that. The poetry I was putting out was rich though...you know how long it has been since I was inspired to write something like this?!

August 2nd. Yikes. This was a challenging time. A time when I saw cracks beginning to form. By this time we had picked up Lily, and she was having a really rough go. Oh my sweet Lily Rain, I love you so much baby. http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/08/day-6-creative-words-struggle.html

Or maybe I wasn’t hiding the bad times as well as I thought I was August 4th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/08/day-8-creative-words-possibilities.html My struggles were leaking. I remember this being about the time people began to reach out to me.... Thank you.

Finally! In today's last entry to be read, August 5th, http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/08/day-9-creative-words-hands-arms-and.html
I read some truth! I can’t believe how much I was hiding. In this entry I feel the push, I feel my need to be seen. I am not sure when “Day 40”, the post where I came out as being polyamorous happened, but I have a feeling it is coming soon. I had yet to be truthful about Michael but in this entry I am at least truthful about Chris. My loving amazing husband, God we have been through so much together. I didn’t write about him a whole lot on the blog. Our lives took separate paths this year. It is not usually this way you know... we have been best friends for years, 17 years. We needed some time apart. Don’t confuse this with being out of love. I love that man with my entire being, and I know he loves me. I am so happy to have ended on a post about him today, even if it was about us fighting. Your presence will help me find a clearer perspective today Chrissy. Thank you. I love you.

“Do you believe in yourself?” is the question in 12 days journal #350

Day 3 Final Commitment- Bleeding, Helping and my Family Before...

2010-03-27T21:41:00.000-07:00

It is ironic, I read in an entry from May that I was afraid writing daily would effect my writing skills. Now I am reading June and can see my writing was really improving! I couldn’t see this at the time, at the time I thought my writing had become boring and predictable. I am a fish, I can not see the water in which I swim. I love the way I wrote this one from June 9th, I love the content too. It is about Miss Ayla Bayla Boo, my wonderful first born angel. http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/06/day-12-asking-for-help-babies.html

I can see how I was becoming more and more honest. When I first started I rarely mentioned what was going on deep in my heart, by June I was writing about it but it was very veiled. I read this entry from June 12th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/06/day-3-impractical.html At the time I thought I might be pregnant with Michael's child. I was trying to come to terms with what a crazy idea it was, and yet how it also seemed magical and full of possibility. I was so in awe of that magical man, my wandering Sadhu. Six days later on June 18th I found out I was not pregnant. http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/06/day-9-karma-yoga-lost.html It was also the first day of my moon, just like last night. And just like last night I wrote about wanting to be cuddled.

Can you tell me why womyn's menstruation, moon time, period, whatever it is you are comfortable calling it is so fraught with drama for both men and womyn? For me it is simple, I am vulnerable, a little sad and want to be held, cared for. My first day of bleeding (and usually the day before) I need love and care. I tear up as I write this and realize I have a deep sadness over not being honoured as a womyn. A womyn who can make babies and bleeds every moon cycle when she does not make one. If you want to show a womyn you honour her as a womyn, as the mother of the children of this planet whether she has made any for you or not, just be nice, cuddle her, bring her tea, maybe some chocolate, give her a gentle sweet massage. Let her know she is loved, let this be a day of honouring. It works out for everyone involved. The world would be a gentler kinder place if we honoured each others vulnerability.

Ok back to reading.

I am now at June 20th, summer Solstice. I participated in a ritual that has been enacted on the same mountain for 29 years. As I came out of my place in the circle to participate I called out this promise to myself.

”I promise to fully accept my sexuality as the divine gift it is and to help others do the same“

I kept my promise, I love that I did this for myself. I am so proud.

And here on June 21st. I read this one and fell back in love with myself. I say ”back“ because I don’t know that I have been doing a great job of loving myself lately. I question my Divinity constantly. Not in this post though, in this entry I saw my beauty. http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/06/day-12-karma-yoga-dance-of-gratitude.html

Found the following quote from the June 24th entry.

“Where is your home? What is it like?” is the question in 12 days journal #72. This is an answer that has been shifting for me lately, as my idea of what home is shifts, thanks to my Michael, who is teaching me many new things. He has taken 2 journals from me so far, this one will be his third. I am going to save it for him. I will see him in 6 sleeps. When I do his home will be with me, for 11 days, while we and the L.O.V.E collective travel the Canadian coast dancing, playing, and exploring. What a life! “

What a crazy ride this has all been. From barely knowing him but loving him with ferocity, to living together as a family and now living apart, barely speaking. I wonder where 12 days journal #72 is now?

LOL on June 26th I was pushing boundaries. http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/06/day-5-one-on-one-many-more-loves.html I made all sorts of references to ”many loves“. I am just busting at the seams to come out as polyamorous, to tell the world that while I am travelling with my family, loving them so intensely and fully, that I am pining for another love as well, one I will see again in 5 days. Oh goodness, soon I will be reading all about being reunited with Michael...why now? UGH. Friggen heart ache.

As my reading for the day (finally) wraps up, I am acutely aware that I am reading the final entries before my family changed to include another person. The trip back from California to home was filled with struggles and joy. This is family what family is, struggle and joy. Our job is to create as much joy as possible and to handle the struggles with as much grace as we can muster.

How sadly fitting that the last entry I will read for today is called Anger. This day, July 5th, was the first day of Michael and summer road trip together. My reading tomorrow will be of a time he and I spent morning, day and night together, 40 days in total. http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/07/day-2-body-of-water-anger.html This entry tells of an altercation on a ferry, where an angry man attacked Michael. I couldn’t understand it then. I have a clearer understanding now.

I just got off the phone with my friend Kimberly. I thought I was ok till she called. Then the tears started. This final commitment is really hard, espcially right now. I trust it though. I know this is all ending perfectly.

”Do you find it difficult to trust?“ is the question in 12 days journal #349

“So freedom and love go together. Love is not a reaction. If I love you because you love me, that is mear trade, a thing to be bought in the market;
it is not love. To love is not to ask anything in return, not even to feel that you are giving something- and it is only such love that can know freedom.”
J. Krishnamurti

I love you.

Day 3 Final Commitment- Bleeding, Helping and my Family Before...

2010-03-27T13:49:00.000-07:00

It is ironic, I read in an entry from May that I was afraid writing daily would effect my writing skills. Now I am reading June and can see my writing was really improving! I couldn’t see this at the time, at the time I thought my writing had become boring and predictable. I am a fish, I can not see the water in which I swim. I love the way I wrote this one from June 9th, I love the content too. It is about Miss Ayla Bayla Boo, my wonderful first born angel. http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/06/day-12-asking-for-help-babies.html

I can see how I was becoming more and more honest. When I first started I rarely mentioned what was going on deep in my heart, by June I was writing about it but it was very veiled. In this entry from June 12th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/06/day-3-impractical.html I thought I might be pregnant with Michael's child. I was trying to come to terms with what a crazy idea it was, and yet how it also seemed magical and full of possibility. I was so in awe of that magical man, my wandering Sadhu. Six days later on June 18th I found out I was not pregnant. http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/06/day-9-karma-yoga-lost.html It was also the first day of my moon, just like last night. And just like last night I wrote about wanting to be cuddled.

Can you tell me why womyn's menstruation, moon time, period, whatever it is you are comfortable calling it, is so fraught with drama for both men and womyn? For me it is simple, I am vulnerable, a little sad and want to be held, cared for. My first day of bleeding (and usually the day before) I need love and care. I tear up as I write this and realize I have a deep sadness over not being honoured as a womyn. A womyn who can make babies and bleeds every moon cycle when she does not make one. If you want to show a womyn you honour her as a womyn, as the mother of the children of this planet whether she has made any for you or not, just be nice, cuddle her, bring her tea, maybe some chocolate, give her a gentle sweet massage. Let her know she is loved, let this be a day of honouring. It works out for everyone involved. The world would be a gentler kinder place if we honoured each others vulnerability.

Ok back to reading.

I am now at June 20th, summer Solstice. I participated in a ritual that has been enacted on the same mountain for 29 years. As I came out of my place in the circle to participate I called out this promise to myself.

”I promise to fully accept my sexuality as the divine gift it is and to help others do the same“

I kept my promise, I love that I did this for myself. I am so proud.

And here on June 21st. I read this one and fell back in love with myself. I say ”back“ because I don’t know that I have been doing a great job of loving myself lately. I question my Divinity constantly. Not in this post though, in this entry I saw my beauty. http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/06/day-12-karma-yoga-dance-of-gratitude.html

Found the following quote from the June 24th entry.

“Where is your home? What is it like?” is the question in 12 days journal #72. This is an answer that has been shifting for me lately, as my idea of what home is shifts, thanks to my Michael, who is teaching me many new things. He has taken 2 journals from me so far, this one will be his third. I am going to save it for him. I will see him in 6 sleeps. When I do his home will be with me, for 11 days, while we and the L.O.V.E collective travel the Canadian coast dancing, playing, and exploring. What a life! “

What a crazy ride this has all been. From barely knowing him but loving him with ferocity, to living together as a family and now, as I write this entry we are living apart, barely speaking. I wonder where 12 days journal #72 is now?

LOL on June 26th I was pushing boundaries. http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/06/day-5-one-on-one-many-more-loves.html I made all sorts of references to ”many loves“. I was just busting at the seams to come out as polyamorous. Wanting to tell the world that while I am travelling with my family, loving them so intensely and fully, that I was also pining for another love, one I would see again in 5 days. Oh goodness, soon I will be reading all about being reunited with Michael...why now? UGH. Friggen heart ache.

As my reading for the day (finally) wraps up, I am acutely aware that I am reading the final entries before my family changed to include another person. The trip back from California to home was filled with struggles and joy. This is what 15 years of being in a family has taught me, that family is struggles and joy. Our job is to create as much joy as possible and to handle the struggles with as much grace as we can muster.

How sadly fitting that the last entry I will read for today is called Anger. This day, July 5th, was the first day of my love filled summer road trip with Michael. My reading tomorrow will be of the time he and I spent morning, day and night together, 40 days in total. http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/07/day-2-body-of-water-anger.html This entry tells of an altercation on a ferry, where an angry man attacked Michael. I couldn’t understand it then. I have a clearer understanding now.

I just got off the phone with my friend Kimberly. I thought I was ok till she called. Then the tears started. This final commitment is really hard, espcially right now. I trust it though. I know this is all ending perfectly.

”Do you find it difficult to trust?“ is the question in 12 days journal #349

“So freedom and love go together. Love is not a reaction. If I love you because you love me, that is mear trade, a thing to be bought in the market;
it is not love. To love is not to ask anything in return, not even to feel that you are giving something- and it is only such love that can know freedom.”
J. Krishnamurti

I love you.

Day 2 Final Commitment- Strangers, Help and Community

2010-03-26T19:26:00.000-07:00

I am so tired and fragile today. I am home alone and I LONG to be cuddled. I got my moon this morning so it is no wonder I feel this way. I know I will feel less vulnerable tomorrow. I just have to hole up here in my bedroom, make myself tea, have a bath and sleep. My kitty cats will cuddle me this evening as I hang out in my “red tent”.

And because I am so tired I am going to keep today's entry short.

This is a quote from one of May’s entries, it helped me to see two things about myself. Number 1, fear has been an issue for me for a long time. Two, I love that I was so “out” about my relationship with God in those first months, I love that I never hid this. I can tell from my reading that I was beginning to get more comfortable with blogging at this point.

”I love my fear and know it is there to protect me, but I quiet it down so I can only hear my heart voice. This voice, that I often find when I am dancing, NEVER leads me astray. This voice tells me the things I am meant to do with this life. Leading movement is one of those things. Raising my babies with love, boundaries and a commitment to communication is one of those things. Loving with a wide open heart is one of those things. Writing this blog, committing to this experiment, sending out journals into the world is one of those things. I don’t know what all of that makes me, but that is OK. God knows, and that is good enough for me.”

The other thing I noticed was just how friggen wordy I was! LOL LONG POSTS! Holy cow. I hope for my own sake I stopped writing so much so that it doesn’t take me hours every day just to get through the reading part!

***EDIT- I posted something and decided a couple of hours later that I didn’t actually want to be that honest, or actually it is not about honesty, it is about wanting to keep it for myself. Thanks Deborah for the perfect advise.***

*** EDIT- I am adding the removed text back into entry at 10:30 the next morning, after a nights sleep and a new morning complete with birds singing, I know I put this in my entry for a reason. I trust.

One last reflection. I am reading the months from the 6th to the 5th so that I will end up exactly on April 5th when the project is done. So for instance today I read May 6th to June 5th. Want to know what day I met Michael? June 5th. I have just entered Michael land full force. From now on I will get to read all about my excitement and passion for this man, veiled as it was from all of you in the beginning. I have to tell you it was all a bit much to take today. Reading about the 2 weeks which led up to our meeting, seeing our picture so happy and in love, add all this to today being my first moon day, and I had myself an UGH afternoon. I am sure at some point reading about our love story will bring me joy, I KNOW this for certain. Today though I scroll quickly past our picture on the blog, not wanting to see, wondering how we went from there to here in 10 months. Despite a deep deep love for one another we just can’t seem to get along. I wish I knew what to do.

“Is there a period of you life which is hard to think about?“ is the question in 12 days journal #348

Day 1 Final Commitment- Cleansing, Climbing, Connecting, Conversing

2010-03-25T13:01:00.000-07:00

One tidbit I have not shared with you all yet is my recent struggles with reading. I have struggled with it my whole life to varying degrees, but found ways to get along in this print dependent culture. Then a few months back I started to realize just how much stress it was now causing. To be blunt, I can’t really read for content right now. I can read the words, they make sense but they don’t stick. This has made the transformation I am going through more difficult, not being able to read about it, understand it, has contributed to the isolation I feel while on this beautiful journey...kinda like going to the South of France and not having anyone to share it with.

So to set myself the task of reading a months worth of blog entries every day was a DOUBLE TRIPLE QUADRUPLE whammy. I figured that because it is my own writing, this info is already inside me, I am just taking a Bernice refresher. Well it took me 3 1/2 hours to get through the firs 1/12th of my blog. YIKES!

I did mess around on you tube for bit looking up Billy Bragg songs, inspired by a lyric I found sneakily buried in one of the entries. This is the struggle with reading, staying on track, not getting lost in tangent thoughts and research. I eventually made it to the end, but this reading thing is a real pain in the ass!

What can I say about the first month? It was a little dry. LoL I am remembering a couple of people who told me they tried to read the blog but never continued because they got overwhelmed by starting at the beginning. They didn’t say it out right but I have a feeling they lost interest, and I can see why. At this point this project was still something outside of myself, like work. Work I enjoyed, but still work. I remember at this time really going through such sadness about my break up with Jeremy, I remember imagining that this was leaking all over the place, that when I looked back it would be so obvious that I was healing my heart,. Other than a couple of explicit posts I was keeping it all very professional... meaning I hadn’t begun to leak yet! I can be so friggen stoic, I know that this often even comes across as cold. I know I am a passionate loving womyn, so I expect the hot-cold thing must be hard on those around me. My hope is that I am doing better with this now... I am pretty sure I am.

Something else I saw when reading this first month was how excited and driven I was in the ! Gosh it is hard for me to imagine having as much energy as I did a year ago. Right now just wrapping the project up seems a feat. Starting it, building the blog, climbing Pulpit Rock, flying off to California was so much! I have to say I am proud of myself. In those days it was only sheer determination that kept me going, no one even knew I existed out there in blog land... wow.

Memory Lane is a trip.

“Have you ever truly believed you were being honest and later realized you were not?” is the question in 12 days journal #347

Last Commitment! Dénouement

2010-03-24T22:55:00.000-07:00

Of course I had to do this Bernice style...who was I kidding? I was convinced until less than an hour ago that I would take it easy at the end, use it as a nice tidy wrap up, a way of expressing gratitude...blah blah blah. But nope...that’s not my style. I need to complete this the way I went in, with eyes wide open and no safety net...and yes I am aware that I am being dramatic.

I commit to reading one month of my blog everyday for 12 days. To using what that months “episodes”, as my lovely friend Rachel refers to them as, to inspire my daily blog entry. I commit to, as honestly as I possibly can, reflect on the past year of my life with you all. How is that for transparent? Truthful? Committed?

Are you ready?

I don’t know if I am... but here I go anyway.... Down the Raabis Hole.
.

Day 12 On Time- Reality Check

2010-03-24T15:12:00.000-07:00

I can’t believe it...

Tomorrow I will make my very last ever 12 days commitment. Once I have done everything necessary to launch the last commitment all I will have to do is carry it out and ...Bam...it is done. Over. Kaput. I did it. Holy shit.

Thing is I am kinda sad. A huge part of what has brought me to this point disappears that day. I have never had a good answer to the question “What do you do for a living?”. At least this year I could say in good conscience that I was a writer, I do it for hours (nearly) every day. As for how it contributes to my “living“, it hasn’t brought me fame and fortune (yet) but it has brought so much unbelievable love into my life, makes it such a joy to live. I have reconnected with old friends, made so many new ones. There was also all those emails I got from readers that I never got around to replying to, I feel terrible about those, when I remember them, I just didn’t have enough time. This project took over my life, or perhaps the way to look at it is I managed to record one of the most fantastic years of my life...who knew? I have been humbled by the number of you who have stuck with me through the whole thing, and surprised by the number of times I get ”I read you blog“ from people I never would have imagined to wanna know. You have become my geeky internet family....AND I AM GOING TO MISS YOU WAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH....

Ya it really hit me today that this will end in just 12 more days...

Wow...

wow...

”What do you do for a living?“ is the cheeky question in 12 days journal #346

Day 11 On Time- NDE

2010-03-23T21:19:00.000-07:00

I have a stronger appreciation for my sisters now than I ever have. If I knew that being this connected to my fellow Goddesses could bring this much comfort and ease I would have given over years ago! Phew!

Now just in case it is coming across that I am fresh out of break up and hitting the “Goddess Train” in a backlash towards the more masculine of our species, this is not the case. I still love the men of our species AND I am NOT fresh out of break up. Michael and I are talking, working, playing. A new beginning with no expectation, just being in the moment and letting our trust in one another to ask for what we want, and talk about how we feel drive where we go next. Relationship self determination.

Back to my sisters. Angela is a sister who I have never met but who has followed me through this project, she has held my hand on this journey. She once commented that I always seemed to be writing about something specifically in her life. Then yesterday she commented about her 2 near death experiences. This came the same day that I fully began to understand the importance of my own near death experience, how it has shaped me. I am not talking about fear as I was a few days ago, but faith.

It was a near drowning, and it went largely unnoticed by anyone in my family because of the circumstances in which it happened. It was traumatic as you might imagine, but there was another side to it, a beautiful side. There is a picture in my mind that I still see of the water turning sunlight into rainbows right before my eyes, of the texture of the bark on the trees which were preventing me from reaching air. This moment brought me faith, so much faith in beauty; not the least of which was knowing that if in that moment I could find beauty it would be mine to access always.

“What happens when you die?” is the question in 12 days journal #345

Day 10 On Time- Sacrifice

2010-03-22T20:50:00.000-07:00

sac·ri·fice (skr-fs)
n.
1.
a. The act of offering something to a deity in propitiation or homage, especially the ritual slaughter of an animal or a person.
b. A victim offered in this way.
2.
a. Forfeiture of something highly valued for the sake of one considered to have a greater value or claim.
b. Something so forfeited.
3.
a. Relinquishment of something at less than its presumed value.
b. Something so relinquished.
c. A loss so sustained.
4. Baseball A sacrifice bunt or sacrifice fly.
v. sac·ri·ficed, sac·ri·fic·ing, sac·ri·fic·es
v.tr.
1. To offer as a sacrifice to a deity.
2. To forfeit (one thing) for another thing considered to be of greater value.
3. To sell or give away at a loss.

Written by Elton John and Bernie Taupin
sung by Sinead O'Connor as a tribute to
Elton John and Bernie Taupin
---------------------------------------
it's a human sign
when things go wrong
when the scent of her lingers
and temptation's strong

into the boundaries
of each married man
sweet deceit comes callin'
and negativity lands

cold, cold heart
hard done by you
some things look better baby
just passin' through

and it's no sacrifice
just a simple word
it's two hearts living
in two seperate worlds
and it's no sacrifice
no sacrifice
no sacrifice at all

mutual misunderstandings
after the fact
sensitivity builds a prison
in the final act

we lose direction
no stone unturned
no tears to damn you
when jealousy burns

cold, cold heart
hard done by you
some things look better baby
just passing through

and it's no sacrifice
just a simple word
it's two hearts living
in two seperate worlds
but it's no sacrifice
no sacrifice
no sacrifice at all

I gave my heart
I gave my heart...

“What have you sacrificed?” is the question in 12 days journal #344

Day 9 On Time- A Man with Heart

2010-03-21T21:58:00.000-07:00

Tonight, after a day filled with rehearsals and 2nd day of spring doldrums, I sat staring into my wood stove, building a fire. I watched flames dance on fractured logs as they resisted surrender . Pangs of sadness pulled when I thought about springs progression and how this means this stove would soon sit empty. It is unused for anything other than clutter in our blazing hot Nelson summers. I SO love having fire in my house, I miss it all summer long. I suppose this is the trade off for being able to swim outside in glacial lakes. Nelson is a truly amazing place to live. Life here is so filled experience and connection. I spent last night with friends celebrating equinox. We sat in circle, danced, shared a feast, did ceremony and the best part was it evolved completely organically. Living in Nelson makes it easy to see God in everything.

I was sent this video by someone I love very much, he knew how much it would mean to me. The man in the video one of my Guru’s. He would DETEST being called one so I won’t tell him, I will tell you instead. And while I love singing with him, it is not his voice that makes him someone I honour, it is his big Bhakti heart.

Jai Uttal "Babies for Bhakti" from Omega Institute on Vimeo.

“Who has influenced your work?” is the question in 12 days journal #343

Day 8 On Time- Flying Down

2010-03-20T16:13:00.000-07:00

I just wrote a whole post about the beauty of the world, the beauty of my day, it was such an inspired beautiful post, a masterpiece!....and then...my blogging software dropped the ball and DELETED IT!! Ok so I am going to try and recreate, but know it will NEVER be as good as the one I wrote in the moment...oh the agony of loss! (Yes I am being dramatic)

This is my friend Ben.

He and Jill kicked my ass out of bed this morning, used every trick in the book to get me to commit to going up Pulpit Rock. Even my claims at having to “be mindful of energy expenditure” didn’t deter them. Jill even offered to carry me up the mountain. Getting up was a little harder than it used to be. I used to function like a diesel engine when I had my old body. My beautiful old body that was often a little cranky and didn’t want to get started would then run for hours on mountain trials. My new body functions more like a “crotch rocket” (Jill’s words). Ben went up higher than we did, he was planning to paraglide off the top of the mountain. Jill and I sat in the sun in our bras, journalling and eating muffins as we waited for his call from the sky. Jill heard it first. She jumped up and we waved and danced on the earth as Ben waved and danced in the sky. He was 5 minutes from the ground, we on the other hand had to make it down the mountain to the car and drive to the soccer field...we had to move it! We gathered our stuff and did our own flying. One glorious benefit to my new body is its amazing agility, with all these muscles and little weight to slow me down I can FLY!! It felt glorious to control fall the whole trail all the way down. It was like gliding over the land. Jill had a hard time keeping up to me, even with her long legs. I do have to admit at this point that she also was left holding all our gear, part of the deal to get me up the mountain. She is such a good friend. I feel alive today, this glorious first day of spring.

WE DID IT!! We got through winter! HOORAY!

(Jill, Ben and I this morning on top of Pulpit Rock)

It is going to be a good summer, I can feel it.

Happy Eostar everyone. Celebrate today, celebrate life, rebirth, new beginnings, new love, old love, love, love!

Love is what it is all about. <3

"What is one of the best days you can remember experiencing?" is the question in 12 days journal #342

Day 7 On Time- Water Love

2010-03-19T09:11:00.000-07:00

So much has happened today, why can’t I think of what to write? Oh wait I got a message from my friend Rachel, something about how to love a womyn! If it comes from Rachel then it must be good, not only that if it is good then I can simply do a repost. It is what I do when I am feeling lazy. Today was a hard day, a delightful day, but also hard. Ok I am going to look at the thing Rach sent now.

(very little time passes)

I only read the beginning quote and the first line, I am posting it without reading the rest, I don’t need to know anymore to know it belongs on my blog. I will read the rest once I submit this entry.

If You Want to Change the World… Love a Woman

"When a fairly spiritual male friend of mine who had finally found and was deepening into committed relationship with his soul mate confided in me he was thinking of being single again, and in the next breath expressed his latest idea for raising consciousness worldwide, I wrote this poem." - Lisa Citore

If you want to change the world… love a woman-really love her.
Find the one who calls to your soul, who doesn’t make sense.
Throw away your check list and put your ear to her heart and listen.
Hear the names, the prayers, the songs of every living thing-
every winged one, every furry and scaled one,
every underground and underwater one, every green and flowering one,
every not yet born and dying one…
Hear their melancholy praises back to the One who gave them life.
If you haven’t heard your own name yet, you haven’t listened long enough.
If your eyes aren’t filled with tears, if you aren’t bowing at her feet,
you haven’t ever grieved having almost lost her.

If you want to change the world… love a woman-one woman
beyond yourself, beyond desire and reason,
beyond your male preferences for youth, beauty and variety
and all your superficial concepts of freedom.
We have given ourselves so many choices
we have forgotten that true liberation
comes from standing in the middle of the soul’s fire
and burning through our resistance to Love.
There is only one Goddess.
Look into Her eyes and see-really see
if she is the one to bring the axe to your head.
If not, walk away. Right now.
Don’t waste time “trying.”
Know that your decision has nothing to do with her
because ultimately it’s not with who,
but when we choose to surrender.

If you want to change the world… love a woman.
Love her for life-beyond your fear of death,
beyond your fear of being manipulated
by the Mother inside your head.
Don’t tell her you’re willing to die for her.
Say you’re willing to LIVE with her,
plant trees with her and watch them grow.
Be her hero by telling her how beautiful she is in her vulnerable majesty,
by helping her to remember every day that she IS Goddess
through your adoration and devotion.

If you want to change the world… love a woman
in all her faces, through all her seasons
and she will heal you of your schizophrenia-
your double-mindedness and half-heartedness
which keeps your Spirit and body separate-
which keeps you alone and always looking outside your Self
for something to make your life worth living.
There will always be another woman.
Soon the new shiny one will become the old dull one
and you’ll grow restless again, trading in women like cars,
trading in the Goddess for the latest object of your desire.
Man doesn’t need any more choices.
What man needs is Woman, the Way of the Feminine,
of Patience and Compassion, non-seeking, non-doing,
of breathing in one place and sinking deep intertwining roots
strong enough to hold the Earth together
while she shakes off the cement and steel from her skin.

If you want to change the world… love a woman, just one woman .
Love and protect her as if she is the last holy vessel.
Love her through her fear of abandonment
which she has been holding for all of humanity.
No, the wound is not hers to heal alone.
No, she is not weak in her codependence.

If you want to change the world… love a woman
all the way through
until she believes you,
until her instincts, her visions, her voice, her art, her passion,
her wildness have returned to her-
until she is a force of love more powerful
than all the political media demons who seek to devalue and destroy her.

If you want to change the world,
lay down your causes, your guns and protest signs.
Lay down your inner war, your righteous anger
and love a woman…
beyond all of your striving for greatness,
beyond your tenacious quest for enlightenment.
The holy grail stands before you
if you would only take her in your arms
and let go of searching for something beyond this intimacy.

What if peace is a dream which can only be re-membered
through the heart of Woman?
What if a man’s love for Woman, the Way of the Feminine
is the key to opening Her heart?

If you want to change the world…love a woman
to the depths of your shadow,
to the highest reaches of your Being,
back to the Garden where you first met her,
to the gateway of the rainbow realm
where you walk through together as Light as One,
to the point of no return,
to the ends and the beginning of a new Earth.

-Lisa Citore

“How do you love women?“ is the question in 12 days journal #341

I love Jill.

I can’t wait to read (or perhaps write) “If You Want to Change the World....Love a Man”

Day 6 On Time- Oops

2010-03-18T09:11:00.000-07:00

Oops!

“When have you not lived up to your commitments?“ is the question in 12 days journal #340

I may not have written and submitted this entry on time but I did receive the following response to yesterdays entry on fear. It comes from my very new friend Keith and since IT was written on time I am going to let myself off the hook. I wanted to share it with you all because I think it is brilliant.

“haha. ok I'm getting a little chuckle here...I'd like to suggest you approach your fear not as a horrible something to get rid but as an important part of yourself that is desperate to be heard...the problem with not listening to your fears is that a) they are part of you so it's a form of self-hatred to ignore or deny them their proper place in your conscious expression...this leads to a repetition of of karma because a fear that is held and not given full and proper release will draw back the same types of experiences until this happens..

the second issue is that without hearing your fears in a way that is non-judgmental towards them, your conscious mind is often unable to discern whether it is an old fear that is being triggered and is seeking release or a new and real threat that needs to be treated and responded to as such..

this is further complicated because fear and anger have a very bad rap in a lot of spiritual teachings..keep in mind that many of these teachings/traditions were originally practised by men who've never been laid and which reflect serious denied inferiority complexes towards all things feminine, especially emotional expression.”

Yes yes yes. Such a good reply! Especially the last paragraph. It is so true that our spiritual teaching from the east come nearly exclusively from men, celibate men at that! There is nothing wrong with this, celibate men have a lot to teach. What I want to know is where are the spiritual teachings from the womyn who loved to make love as a spiritual practice? Now there are some teachings I could really learn from!

Day 5 On Time- My Truth?

2010-03-17T14:26:00.000-07:00

I have stifled myself for too long. I know that may seem a laughable comment from me, here on the blog I speak so boldly, courageously. What I have noticed since Michael and I split is just how often I don’t speak my mind out of fear, fear of verbal conflict. It is not lost on me that fear of conflict creates conflict. This awareness doesn’t seem to change that am still unclear how to deal with it. Stay out of relationships? Forge ahead in spite of fear? Find out how to rid myself of this fucking fear which takes over my heart again and again and again. I am so tired of it.

Two days ago it felt like I had all the answers. Today I feel distant from God and confused.

There is one thing I am not confused about though. I know it is time to start speaking MY truth, MY way, not just here on the blog but in all my relationships.

“The most courageous act is still to think for yourself. Aloud.”
-Coco Chanel

No one messed with Coco, she knew how to speak her truth aloud.

NOTE: Once I had submitted this entry I started looking at the tarot card website I still had up from yesterday when I was researching the number 18. It took 2 minutes of reading to find out that the moon card, number 18 in the deck, is the card which represents... FEAR..damn it! I had to add this in, to tell you, to share this confusion. This was the last line in the description of this card.

“When we experience the fear of the Moon card we need to take courage, ignore our well-wishers and tread our own path, for only we know, in our own hearts, what is right for our highest good.”

Talk to me heart, tell me what is right for my highest good...please.

“Do you speak your truth?” is the question in 12 days journal #339

Day 4 On Time- Not yet

2010-03-16T17:55:00.000-07:00

What do the number 18, the tree of life, the moon and me all have in common? No really...do you know? Can you help me connect the dots? How about one female black cat and one male, both who love to commune with me when I am at my most tender, when I am fully open. Or the number 12? People ask all the time...why 12? Why not 18 days 2 inspire or 9 days 2 inspire? I have answers, things I have decided to explain it, but the truth is I don’t really know.

I know I am 36. I know 2 18’s are 36 and 3 12’s are 36. I know that the number 18 in the tarot is the moon. I know that I follow the moon, trust in the wisdom of waxing and waning eternally. I know that the moon pulls the water, and that water is a symbol of emotionality. I know I am an emotional being, I say this with much pride.

Today felt like a new beginning. Today was easy. “Easy” is the intention I set last night on the new moon. That is one fast turn around don’t ya think? I am surprised, somewhat puzzled by this ease that showed up today. I had ideas that today would be hard, luckily I am not easily tricked by “ideas”, I trust my feeling. Today was easy...and that is all I needed to know, think and feel to stay in the easy.

This symbol is called “chai”, pronounced “hai”, it is a Jewish symbol which means “living”. It also adds up to the number 18...I don’t know how or why, I am not Jewish and just discovered this symbol today. I do know when I find one, a beautiful one, I will wear it as a piece of jewellery. I will wear it to symbolize myself in this 36th year of my life, I will wear it until it no longer serves me. Why? I don’t know...yet. I can’t explain it...yet. What I do know is it is important. It is a celebration and moniker of where I am at right now. The fact that I can’t explain it YET doesn’t make it any less important or real.

Thinking, Knowing and Feeling are all important, equally important. They are the sacred 3 which form the triangle of existence on this plane, the keys to understanding love. 3 times 12 is 36.... I will leave it at that because I can’t make it any clearer....YET.

“How do symbols show up in your life?” is the question in 12 days journal #338

Day 3 On Time- Let's Talk

2010-03-15T13:26:00.000-07:00

Fridays picture caused a stir.

Thank you, to all of you who commented, sent emails or simply thought about me. I know you are all concerned. I know the look on my face in the “before” shot one is happy and the other is not so much so. Know that these are captured moments with back story. In the first I am regarding my Rosy, my little creation, my walking, talking art exhibit born of my own body. She has a light that colours this world in a way no other could, and I am her mother...of course I look happy! In the other I am scrutinizing my iPhone, trying to make it work with the light AND coming to terms with my new body which is an active effort. I was happy in my life when the “before: shot was taken, I was sad sometimes too. I am happy now, and sometimes I am still sad. I am happy more often now than than I was when the “before” was taken, it may not look that way in these two moments, but they are not representative of my entire experience.

Here is a pic taken today. I have the same body (give or take 3 days) as the “after” shot. This picture was taken by Rosy. I asked her to be my photographer while I typed this entry. We are hanging out together this afternoon because she is on spring break. I am working to keep my daily commitment. We are working and playing together at Oso Negro. I was trying to see her behind the camera while she was taking shots, we were laughing, having fun. The picture was taken right before I accidentally put my hair in my mushroom soup. Look at my face...do I look happy?

Lets talk about my body.

I want to be really clear with everyone. I did not have an intention to lose this amount of weight. It is something that started happening 7 or 8 months ago. At first I was happy. I have struggled with body image issues my whole life, this should not be surprising given it is a cultural obsession. I was happy to loose a little weight, liked the way I was looking in my bathing suit, I am sure most of you womyn can relate to this. Then as the weight loss continued I began to get alarmed. I sought medical advice, fear of the unknown was driving a deep need for answers, I never found any, no definitive medical ones anyway.

This weight loss is a combination of many factors, one of these factors is stress. This blog has changed my life, it requires a crazy amount of dedication, this causes stress. My relationship with Michael, one I have no model for because it is completely out of the box, has been stressful. The blog and Michael have also changed my life in ways I never could have imagined, AMAZING positive way. I have a level of self love I did not have a year ago. This coupled with the reality of being this thin has forced a new relationship with my body, one that means being more mindful. My body pulls me into presence, “Feed me NOW!” it says and I listen, I have made it my priority. I ignored my body before, actually to be perfectly honest I HATED my body before. Through this experience I realized this hatred had NOTHING whatsoever to do with my body. It was merely a way of keeping alive stories that no longer served me, a way to run from self love. Loving myself, accepting the transformation both inside and out has brought such relief and ease.

I don’t have all the answers, I still have to live with the ambiguity of exactly why and what is causing this transformation. Trusting ambiguity is a huge lesson in faith, one I am thankful for.

I can not be the “before” shot so many of you seem to feel comfortable with. I am not that person any more. I am brand new, a scaled down version. I am new and this presents me with a choice of how I am going to think of myself.

This is my body RIGHT NOW, I can choose to judge it, continue the cycle of self violence by saying I need to be something other than what I am....or I can love it. I choose to love it. I accept that my body has changed and will change again, and again, and again, this is a certainty. I will take the lessons I have learned, apply this self love no matter what shape my body takes on. This is the gift.

Again, thank you all for your concern, for loving me. Oh and as I type this I am sharing a sandwich and soup with Rose. I am eating bread, cream and butter all at once, along with carrots, mushrooms, fish and peppers. I promise you I am taking care of myself, I am asking you to trust me.

“What lessons have you learned from your body?” is the question in 12 days journal #337

Day 2 On Time- Truth Time

2010-03-14T16:26:00.000-07:00

ACK!!! Well that was a miserable failure. I totally flaked on the commitment and didn’t get the entry up in time. I was exhausted after Chris’ surprise party. I could barely get undressed let alone work. But TODAY, today and EVERY other day I am going to get the entry up ON TIME! Only 22 days more...wow what a year this has been.

One more thing. It is time.

Time to tell you that Michael moved out. I strive to be transparent and truthful with this blog, but it was just too close to my heart to say so before now. He left on March 6th. I am still unclear what our relationship will look like in the future. I have grieved then let my anger rise up and am working on acceptance. I don’t have the clarity to say any more.

“What are you committed to?” is the question in 12 days journal #336

Day 1 On Time- HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHRISSY!

2010-03-13T19:08:00.001-08:00

We had to stay in a tiny town called Greenwood last night. As we left Kelowna there was a terrible blizzard. We were rounding a corner covered in slushy snow when our truck began to slide. Hurdling downhill in the middle of driving snow as a semi truck is approaching is a nerve wrecking experience. We hit the concrete embankment on my side, I could feel the momentum of the vehicle continue as I peered over the rocky cliff into a black hole. I thought to myself, ‘if we go over this glass window next to my head is not going to offer me any protection, this could get ugly!’. The momentum toward the cliffs edge abated as Chris pulled us out of the skid. Thank you Chris, thank you God.

Our truck was a heirloom. Passed down from my father-in-law to my husband. His name was Alfred, we called him Opi. Opi said to Chris on his death bed, “The truck is yours now”. This was a big deal, that man loved his truck. As we were skidding again right after the initial impact, Chris started lamenting the damage done to the truck. I was thinking to myself, ‘You have got to be kidding?! Let’s get out of this alive first and then we can worry about the truck!’. I wasn’t taking into account how much this truck means to Chris, I can forgive myself this, I was after all watching my life flash before my eyes! I wondered in that moment as I looked over the cliff who would take care of my kids if we both went on to our next lives? No easy solution came to mind. Lucky for us this is not an issue. We are alive and well and travelling back to Nelson a day late.

And what a day it is! March 13th, the day my husband was born, 38 years ago! We will be going out for dinner tonight, just he and I....or so he thinks. There will actually be a group of friends waiting at the restaurant for him.....IT’S a SURPRISE PARTY! WOOHOO! Lucky for me I am behind again so I won’t be able to actually post this until tonight after it is all over.

Happy Birthday Chrissy! I am so blessed to share my life with you...oh and thanks for being such a good driver....I do appreciate your driving...even when you increase speed around corners while I am writing. :oP

(Chris this summer with Rose and Lily at the beach in Seaside, California)

“Who do you appreciate?” is the question in 12 days journal #335

Latest Commitment! On Time

2010-03-13T19:08:00.000-08:00

Yikes, I am behind on uploading entries.....AGAIN! I promised myself I would be better about getting the entries up daily as this is the second to last commitment before I am DONE DONE DONE! So that is the commitment, to write and post each entry each day, back to the way I did it in the beginning. This is no easy feet considering I am three days behind on editing. To fulfill this commitment I need to submit 4 entries by tonight. Today is Chris’ birthday, so this is going to be extra tough. Lucky for me I AM extra tough, resourceful and can pull my butt out of a sling. So I am off to edit and write as we drive over the snowy mountain pass between Grand Forks and Castelgar.

Wish me luck!!

Day 12 Lovin Nelson- Before and After

2010-03-12T19:08:00.000-08:00

Chris left this morning to go continue his crazy battery of tests. Psychological testing is hard bloody work. I on the other hand stayed at the hotel, went down for breakfast and am now off to the pool to soak in the hot tub. I got the much better deal this trip.

I changed into my bikini and cowboy boots to get ready to head down to the pool, I have to walk through the outdoors to do this, thus the reason for the cowboy boots. As I went into the closet to grab a robe I was struck by my reflection in the mirror. I still have ideas about what I look like that are based on YEARS of living in this body. To see myself in an unusual setting, wearing an unusual get-up really allowed me to see myself as I am. Oh My God do I look different!!

So I took this photo of myself in full length mirror at the hotel. I am a little shy about posting it. I realize I have put a pic of myself in a bikini on this blog before (when I was swimming in a natural body of water each day) and this is no different, it just feels different because it is winter and I am pasty white. If my cranky blogging software will allow me I am going to post a before and after shot. The before being a pic of me doing my second commitment (climbing Pulpit Rock every day), the after pic is the last day before tackling my second to last commitment. If you see two photos you will know my plan worked. If you see one it is because MacJournal software has a glitch which won’t allow it.

Ok deep breath...here it goes.

(Before. The beginning of this project.)

(After. Near the end of the project.)

“How do you feel about your body?” is the BIG question in 12 days journal #334

Day 11 Lovin Nelson- Appreciation in Absence

2010-03-11T19:08:00.000-08:00

Way back when I was on my third ever commitment, Chris and I went to Kelowna to visit his neuro-psychologist. We had a great trip. On that trip I wrote one of my favourite entries ever. Here is link if you want to trip down memory lane with me.

We are off to make that same trek again. The thing that strikes me is just how different things are now, and at the same time that some things have not changed despite the crazy turns our life has taken. I didn’t even know Michael last time I went to Kelowna with Chris, now he is enmeshed in our lives. It is he who is taking care of the kids while we go away to see where Chris is at with his brain trauma. The thing that hasn’t changed is how much Chris and I love each other. We have been together (for the most part) since September of 1993. We have been through hell and back again(to borrow one of Chris' MANY colloquialisms) and here we are, still in love. The love has morphed, aged, deepened, expanded, the love is not the same as it was when we first met, back when we couldn’t keep our hands off each other for more than a day. Love matures, something I imagine a lot of folk who have never been in a long term committed relationship could find hard to understand. 17 years is a long time to stay consciously commitment to both a relationship and to self. We have done an amazing job.

Oh and I suppose I should acknowledge that it may seem difficult to appreciate Nelson when I am not even there. Don’t be too quick to jump to conclusions. If you have ever been to the hospital in Kelowna you will probably understand that existing in this environment for two days REALLY gives me a chance to appreciate where I live....(shiver). To be honest when I started this commitment I completely forgot I was going away. I am making the situation work anyway. Gosh it is good to be my own boss, self determination is the bomb!

“How has you life changed in the last year?” is the question in 12 days journal #333

Day 10 Lovin Nelson- When They Come Back

2010-03-10T19:08:00.000-08:00

I GOT A JOURNAL BACK!!! Not handed to me, like the first one that came back, or mailed to Jeremy in the States, this one came to me...ME! *I* got a journal in the mail...it took waiting for nearly the whole project to be done for it to happen but it finally did! (BIG SMILE)

It is 12 days journal #102. I left it with artist Ava Avione in Stockton California. She is the one that lives in her studio, giant paintings stacked over 10 deep in piles covering the walls of over 1000 square feet, and that is just her downstair studio! I have spoken with her about going to paint with her when this project is finished. I need to do SOMETHING when this is done. Life after blog looms in the not so distant future...ACK! Here is the journal entry from the day I was at her studio with my friend Linda. (HI LINDA!)

I have only had a quick chance to skim the journal. It looks as though Ava used it as a sketch book for painting ideas and to write words of wisdom. The question in her journal was “What are your habits?”. She answers this question the way a mystic would, with poetry and woven words. In the journal I found this quote from Ava

“Only reach to the heart. All is real again”

And this is what I keep doing lately. Reaching to the heart. The response often doesn’t bring comfort I hope for though.

I know I am being cryptic, and enough of you have written to me to ask what is up that I know my attempts to stay veiled are failing miserably. I just need time to let this one out.

“How do you know when you are ready to tell?” is the question in 12 days journal #332

Day 9 Lovin Nelson- More Ugh

2010-03-09T19:41:00.000-08:00

So in the beginning of the movie Avatar we find out that the main character has been asleep for 6 years, sealed up in a container, kept asleep, no need to do anything except pass time. I was thinking of getting one of those machines. Right now sleeping for a few months seems like it might be a good idea.

This has been a good commitment for me to make at this time. Keeps me out and active. After all that talk last week of being present, now I am struggling to not shoot ahead into the future, usually coming up with outcomes that do not comfort me. I visit the past now and then, get upset, but mostly it is the future I am having to work hard to stay out of, it is the future that now brings imagined sadness and loss. Stay here in the present and be released from pain I tell myself. Stay here, Stay here, stay here......stay..... ugh.

My stomach aches.

“What recent challenges have you dealt with?” is the less than inspired question in 12 days journal #331

Day 8 Lovin Nelson- Calm

2010-03-08T22:20:00.000-08:00

I was told an amazing story today. A man I love and admire, despite not knowing him super well, told me he intuited that I blogged about him. Is that cool or what? He has spent 62 long years on this earth. Has dedicated himself to a path of truth, and has followed a Buddhist path for nearly 30 years. He practices Tantric yoga and has created a company building homes in a way which does right by the world, including the Mother.

He had heard about the 12 days project a few days before we saw each other at a dance. I wrote about dancing with him, around the same time he decided to look up my blog. He intuited the web address despite not having heard the name of it, typed it in and ended up on the very day I wrote about him. Wow, I would say he is pretty connected.

I hear this story as I sat on his couch. Mostly though he didn’t talk, he listened, asked me what I needed. I told him, rest, connection, love, and ease. Why is the ease always the one which seems so elusive?

Thank you friend, for wise words, soft heart space and a gentle reminder of breath.

“Do you trust your intuition?” is the question in 12 days journal #330

Day 7 Lovin Nelson- Valuable Treasures

2010-03-07T11:41:00.000-08:00

Give a kid a break! A beautiful little boy just came up to me while I was editing and offered to sell me a magnet, his friend and he had just made them. He then came down to Oso Negro to sell them. It takes courage to do the cold call thing, to walk up to adults and ask if they want to buy something that was just created. The part I don’t get is, he is only asking asking a dollar each, the room is filled with people drinking 3 dollar coffees and not one person bought one? He steeled himself going from table to table dealing with the “no thanks you’s”. It is not easy being a child in our culture. Kids are generally not seen during the day, they are institutionalized from breakfast till just before dinner. When I am out with my children one of the first questions which is often asked is “Why are you not in school?”. For anyone who has travelled elsewhere you probably saw how in many other cultures children are much more integrated. They go to work with their parents, they take care of each other while playing out in the streets. Kids are seen and heard all the time. They are dispersed within the community.

I want to live more in community. I do live in A community, even a tightly knit, caring community. What I really want though is to no longer live in a house with a yard, next to another house with a yard. I want community gardens, community art projects, space to be alone, space to be together, easy access to everything I need in a comfortable setting with friends all around me. And I want kids, lots of kids, to help out, to experience learning outside of a classroom. I want my children and the children around me to feel honoured and valued, I want them to know that their home-made valentines magnets are worth as much to me as a cup of coffee.

(picture of my new magnet, and that there is Oso Negro in the background, this is the view from my “office”)

I got this little gem for 2 dollars and 50 cents, same price I paid for my cappuccino. I think I got a hell of a deal.

“How do children show up in your daily life?” is the question in 12 days journal #329

Day 6 Lovin Nelson- Birth Day

2010-03-06T11:41:00.000-08:00

I met Michael 9 months ago today. Meeting him changed my life in ways I could never even have dreamt of. We have had a wild amazing ride, I am grateful for every second.

If we would have made a baby that first time we were together, and we did wonder for a whole two weeks if we did, that baby would have been born right around now. We did make a baby, a non-human baby, we named it Bam. Last night we blew out a candle for Bam, as though it was a birth day. It was a beautiful ceremony.

Thank you baby.

“What do you need to feel met by your partner/s?” is the question in 12 days journal #328

Day 5 Lovin Nelson- Quote Basket

2010-03-05T11:41:00.000-08:00

“Perception is a choice and not a fact.
But on this choice depends far more
than you realize as yet.
For on the voice you choose to hear, and on the sights you choose to see,
depends entirely your whole belief in what you are.”

I may have read this 6 months ago and believed I knew what it meant, and in a way I did. Now though, after 6 months of peeling back the layers, I get it in a whole new way. I have learned to love myself a whole lot better, and the more I love myself, the more loveable I get, and the easier it gets to keep on loving myself. The more I love myself, the easier it is to love everyone around me. I still struggle some days. Today I walked through a storm created by two people who love each other so strongly, two people desperate to be heard, knowing this was imperative to cease the fading. At the end of the day I loved and loved and loved when I could have cried, could have felt pain. I choose to see what was right in front of me, to hear my own sweet voice running through my head reminding me over and over of the love that I have for so much and so many. I choose to hear and see what creates a belief in myself that brings comfort and joy. The amazing thing was when I held this mantra of self love, I could hear almost anything and not take it personally....almost anything. Imagine, this lesson finally coming at this time. If I wanted to be cynical I could say “To little too late”, but I choose faith, I know that everything is perfect, exactly as it is.

If I forget any of this will you please remind me?

Thank you.

Oh and I have one more,

“Reality cannot ‘threaten’ anything except illusions, since reality can only uphold the truth”

I am starting to understand this better, another layer was peeled on the understanding of this one today. I am getting better at seeing it. I am growing and as spring brings us these bright shiny days, my tender shoots will emerge from the ground. They will grow and grow and grow. All my hard work this winter, work which went virtually unseen, matted roots pushing against frozen ground, will give way to effortless growth; leaves unfurling soaking up the nourishing light.

Here is one last quote, it was spoken aloud to me tonight when I asked the question..

“Who are you?”

“I am light”, he says.

“Thank you...Who are you?”, I reply.

Yes you sure are.

“Who are you?” is the question in 12 days journal #327

Just to add a little humour to this string of “ugh” posts here is puppetji doing “Who am I?”...this one is my personal favourite.

Day 4 Lovin Nelson- Double Ugh

2010-03-04T11:41:00.000-08:00

Double Ugh.... I am still enjoying Nelson, grateful actually for how wonderful a place I live in, a wonderful place to experience “UGH!”.

“What gives you hope?” is the question in 12 days journal #326

Day 3 Lovin Nelson- Ugh

2010-03-03T11:31:00.000-08:00

I haven’t been this angry, frustrated or hurt for a long time now. I mean I have felt these things, but not in a way which overwhelms me like I am now. I hate feeling like this, it takes up so much energy. Time that could be spent enjoying life is wasted. I can feel the muscles in my face, how I am holding my mouth. I don’t like the way my face looks when I feel this way. YUCK!!!! Generally I feel that I can navigate situations that bring on these feelings pretty well, not let it take me over. I bounce back into appreciation fairly easily, remarkably easily actually. But throw in the cocktail of circumstances that I am experiencing this morning and I am left feeling like I am running in a vat of molasses, going nowhere, out of ideas about how to change this dynamic that exists. I feel defeated, like giving up.

I do have faith that by the time I write again that I will have found resolution on this, will be in the love soup and out of the molasses funk.

“What ongoing issue in your life do you long to find resolution for?” is the question in 12 days journal #325